Chapter Thirty

[POV: Seth]

Ellie’s reaction to my memories didn’t surprise me. What did catch me off guard were the words that tumbled from her lips, in a voice that wasn’t her own.

It could only mean one thing. Ellie’s wolf was back. And she was mad.

It made sense, considering the wolf that had killed my parents had also hurt Ellie.

I was about to find out just how deep that hurt ran when Ellie, or rather her wolf, decided she wanted to mark me.

I wasn’t going to rush it. I could sense Ellie’s reluctance. It would mean she’d have to share everything that had happened to her. Gabriel knew a lot, but not everything.

Only what she’d been willing to share.

Clayton and I knew about the cruelty she’d endured from Zagan and Dante while they held her captive. That was probably why Nix was so furious.

I tilted Ellie’s face to look into her eyes, but instead of her usual blue, I saw almost complete black. It was a clear sign that Ellie’s wolf was in control.

If her wolf planned to mark me, I needed to make sure Ellie was on board. The last thing I wanted was for her to regret it later.

Ellie, or rather Nix, grabbed the back of my head and pulled me into a fierce kiss.

As much as I wanted this, I needed Ellie to be present.

I gently pushed her away.

“Hold on,” I said, “I know you want this, but what about Ellie? Does she even know what you’re about to do?”

Ellie’s eyes narrowed but stayed black.

“We need this,” she growled.

Then her voice softened.

“I need this… I can’t do this alone anymore,” she added, her voice wavering slightly.

I frowned. What did she mean by ~alone~?

I cupped her face in my hand.

“What do you mean, Nix?”

She took a shaky breath.

“Most of the memories I keep locked away. It's the only way Ellie could survive. She only remembers bits and pieces in dreams or when something triggers a flashback.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. Now it made sense. When things got too intense, Nix would retreat. She didn’t have the strength to suppress the memories and function at the same time.

I should have figured it out. When Ellie first arrived as a rogue, Nix was absent. She only reappeared once Ellie joined the pack. Then again when Ellie killed Elijah.

The pain Nix must have felt. It was too much for her to suppress the memories and stay present.

The new mate bond had awakened her. But it wouldn’t be enough. She needed to mark me too. To share Ellie’s memories, but without Ellie having to relive them.

I knew Ellie thought Nix had abandoned her at times. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Nix’s only goal was to protect Ellie. Whether that meant physically or emotionally.

I was torn. Was this the right thing to do? Was it fair for Nix to suppress Ellie’s memories? They were her memories, as painful as they might be.

Did she even know what had happened to her? When things happened, had Nix taken over? Did Ellie even know I was having this conversation with her wolf?

“You can’t protect her forever, Nix. She needs to share the memories you share with me. I’ll be there for both of you.”

Ellie’s shoulders slumped, and a sigh of resignation slipped from her lips. Nix knew I was right. I understood why she’d done this.

Hell, it was probably necessary when she was growing up. But she was older now. Old enough to handle what had happened when she was younger.

Not all the memories had been suppressed. Only the worst ones. Or maybe they’d leaked through when Nix was at her weakest. Either way, Nix needed to live her life, and so did Ellie.

Our wolves protected us, but they were also their own beings.

I watched as Ellie’s eyes changed color. Not completely back to their vibrant blue, but enough to know she was there.

“She...She wants to mark you,” Ellie whispered, her voice laced with anxiety.

I nodded as I traced my thumb across her cheek.

“Is that what you want? Are you ready? Ready for me to share your memories?”

Ellie’s eyes filled with unshed tears.

“It’s not just about me though, is it?”

I smiled, and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

“No,” I whispered, “it's not.”

I watched as she swallowed nervously, blinking back the tears, refusing to let them fall.

I wished she would. I felt she needed to. Needed to let go.

If Nix released the block on her memories, then I suspected she might fall apart. If she did, I would be there to pick up the pieces.

“Wh...What if you don’t want me...once you know everything?”

I cupped her face in my hands, and smiled.

“When will you understand, Ellie? You’re mine. My mate. I could never not want you. You’re a part of me now. Whatever happens, I will love you. I will always love you.”

Her gaze dropped, as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

“Ok,” she agreed, her voice barely above a whisper.

I wiped the tear away with my thumb. At the same moment, Ellie’s eyes changed color. Nix was back in control, but Ellie was there.

She would feel everything. Remember everything. All the memories that flowed through the bond she would relive, even the ones that Nix had blocked.

I just hoped that this was the right thing to do.

Ellie’s hands wrapped around the back of my neck, as our lips met in a passionate kiss. I let Ellie, or Nix, push me back down onto the bed, so now she was on top of me.

Before, I had kept my weight off her, but now Ellie was straddling me. She weighed practically nothing, but I didn’t mind the feeling.

My fingers gently traced her skin as I felt my arousal growing. Hell, she hadn’t even marked me yet. I said we wouldn’t mate tonight, but at this rate…

That being said, I hadn’t planned to mark her, nor did I expect to be marked by her.

My thoughts were abruptly yanked back to the present as I felt her teeth sink into my skin. A sharp sting, then I braced myself.

I was aware that any of my own painful memories would seem trivial compared to Ellie’s. But I wasn’t quite ready for the flood of images that surged through our mate bond.

She was loved. Even if it was only for a brief time. Her parents loved her, and she was happy. But that happiness was cruelly ripped away when they handed her over to that monster of a commander.

Now I understood why Gabriel had killed him. But he wasn’t the only one who deserved to die.

She was taken to some sort of nursery. The pups were half-starved. Left in dirty cots, sitting in their own filth. Some died, but their bodies weren’t removed sometimes for days.

The smell of death invaded my mind from the memory.

A sob slipped from Ellie’s lips as she crumbled onto my chest. I wrapped my arms around her, gently tracing my fingertips along her back.

I wanted to ball my fists, but I had to keep my cool. Keep my cool for Ellie, for my mate. Was this one of the memories that Nix had blocked?

The pups only stayed in the nursery until they were big enough to work. In Ellie’s case, this wasn’t long. She was bigger than the other pups, due to her werewolf heritage.

The routine outside the nursery was no less harsh.

I gritted my teeth and swallowed down the nausea that threatened to rise when that monster of a commander whipped and abused her.

Then there were the feelings of abandonment. Not just by her parents, but her brother. He was supposed to protect her.

Her father’s last words to his son.

~“Look after your sister.”~

He didn’t. He let her suffer.

Even after she left the punishment block, her head shaved and her body broken. He couldn’t protect her from the stares and the shunning.

She was labeled as a troublemaker. No one wanted anything to do with a troublemaker, in case they met the same fate.

Then the fear resurfaced once again when she crossed the border. Only to be transformed into surprise and happiness as she once again felt loved.

It was fleeting, of course, as her memories and emotions turned dark once again when she was taken by Zagan.

The things that Zagan and his Beta did to those pups were unthinkable. Sammy was the only light in the darkness. Losing him almost shattered her again.

Another sob shook her body. Another memory blocked by Nix, I could only assume. Maybe I had been wrong to make Nix release these memories.

Then there was the pain she felt when she thought I had rejected her.

That was on me, and my own heart twisted at the memory. If I felt hurt at the realization she wasn’t my first choice mate, then it was nothing compared to the pain she felt.

Even worse when she was rejected by Elijah and took his life.

Sadness mixed with anger when she realized that Gabriel was going to face off against his father.

So many conflicting emotions. But she was strong. She had survived.

I gently rolled her onto her back, and stroked her face. Wiping away the tears that fell.

“Wh...Why? Why didn’t I remember?” She sobbed.

I softly shushed her, as I kissed her tears away.

“Your wolf...Nix. She wanted to protect you. She’s always wanted to protect you. Sometimes the effort of keeping your worst memories at bay was too much.”

Ellie opened her eyes and looked into mine.

“She never left me?”

I shook my head.

“No, she never left you, and neither will I.”