22

January 16th, 1805

I woke up screaming.

I had dreamt I was standing over Louis' body, Napoleon's sword in my hand. I had stabbed him again and again. Everytime he cried out, I felt good.

My door flew open and Gabriel rushed in. My eyes closed after that.

"Sophie, calm down," he said. My head was spinning. I couldn't get the image out of my mind.

"I killed him," I sobbed. I was still stuck in this dream. I felt Gabriel take my hand. He's so cold.

"No, you didn't," he said.

"Sophie?" Henri was in the doorway.

My heart was racing. It was an unstoppable wave of panic. Henri was at my other side and  I buried my face into his shirt.

"Some water please, Gabriel," Henri said.

"Of course." Gabriel's hand left mine.

It was the kindest I'd ever heard the boys speak to one another.

Gabriel's footsteps disappeared down the hallway.

Henri hugged me tighter.

"Talk to me, Sophie," he said. I shook my head. He held the back of my head, fingers tangled with my hair.

"Was it Louis?" Henri asked. I nodded. "God, he never should have made you see that."

Gabriel returned, setting something down on the table beside my bed.

"Thank you," Henri said.

Gabriel didn't respond. He left, shutting the door behind him.

Henri let go of me and poured me a glass of water, placing it in my hands.

"Drink," he ordered. I did. The water was cold. Henri took the glass back from me.

"I'm not leaving," he promised. "I won't leave."

We sat in silence for a few minutes.

"You didn't kill him," Henri told me.

"He's dead because of me," I said. I was out of tears now.

"You cannot continue to blame yourself for this," he said.

"Come on," Henri said. He stood up and helped me out from under the covers.

He wrapped a cloak around my shoulders and lead me up to the roof.

The stars were particularly bright tonight. We sat down, leaning against the chimney on the flat roof.

"Your siblings were fighting for something," Henri said. I sat beside him, leaning against him. "It wasn't a revolution. It wasn't a regime change. They just wanted to be free. I like to think that Louis is free now. He's not being chased. Your remaining siblings are somewhere out there, living in fear. You're the only one who's not, if you think about it. You're free, Sophie. Free to do as you please. Now I knew your brother and I hate to say this but I knew him better than you. He wouldn't have wanted you to dwell on the past. He knows you didn't kill him. He knows your hand was forced. So, you need to move on. You need to let the nightmares go. You need to let every terrible thing that has happened in the last couple of weeks go. Relax. Enjoy life. You're free."

I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew he was right. He knew he was right.

"Okay," I whispered. Henri grabbed my hand.

"Okay?"

I nodded. He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer.

"Sometimes we have to move forward when all we want is to go backwards," Henri said.

The stars continued to twinkle.