fifteen: my husband is back with his girlfriend

My heart was thudding in my chest as I waited and watched.

"Hey." He'd come up behind me and I practically jumped out of my skin.

"Hey!" He was wearing his wedding suit and the red tie. I couldn't help myself, I looked. His ring was gone. "Look, about yesterday. I'm sorry if I created a scene. It's just that..."

"No, it's me. I should have told you I was meeting Kyra. When I said I wasn't going to date, I didn't imagine that things would turn out like that with her."

"Ah," I bit my lip. It had been exactly what I thought it had been. My husband was back together with his girlfriend.

"Are we OK?"

"Yeah, of course," I am such a liar. "But if things are going to be..."

"I think they are, actually."

"Ah," I said again. "I can stay with my friend Paige on the weekends, when you're home. That's where I was last night and if that would give you the privacy..."

"Really? You'd be OK with that? I feel like I'm taking total advantage..."

"It's fine," Lies, lies, lies.

"So, let's do this?"

I nodded. We stepped into the courtroom. We stood with Jeb's lawyer in front of the judge and clerk and attested to being ourselves. A woman stepped up with us and read out a brief review of Levi's life history and had copies of all the paperwork. The final one was Levi's grandmother's surrender of her rights to Jeb.

The judge approved the legal placement of Levi into Jeb's home pending adoption.

Jeb was given a copy of the placement order and the approval to go ahead with the adoption. We stepped out of the courtroom in a daze. The whole thing had taken maybe 20 minutes.

His lawyer then led us to a conference room where a notary was waiting. He slid a stack of papers in front of me. It was a petition to divorce.

I stared at it like it would bite.

"It is completely straightforward. You keep your individual property and Jeb is the sole parent of Levi. Irreconcilable differences. There's a cooling-off period before we can go to court so I'll file it tomorrow morning and see if I can finagle an early August court date. I'd be surprised if the adoption got a date before September, when the court returns after summer adjournment."

"Maggie and Marco will be back by then so even if the construction is not completed - I can be home and you can get on with your life, Alice." Jeb signed all the highlighted areas and then pushed the package in front of me.

Get on with my life? What was that supposed to look like? I want to stand and flip the table over and... and...

I reached for the pen. Time to stop fantasizing.

The attorney put his fingers over it to stop me from signing immediately. "Alice, you are free to take this to your lawyer."

"No need." I signed my name everywhere it was highlighted. Then I slid the whole thing back.

I followed Jeb in my car back to the cabin. Gayle was feeding Levi applesauce while he banged a plastic spoon on his highchair tray.

I went straight to my room and closed the door. I was leaning against the wall, sliding down to the floor, telling myself to get up, stand up and then I was flat on my back.

Every damn thing in my life hurt.

There was no place my thoughts could rest. No corner I could relax. Every part of my life was broken.  From the moment I'd met him, I wanted Jeb as my savior and the illusion that we would be playing house with his baby...

Like it could be real.

Because, yeah, I did that again.

Because, yeah, I was that flake.

And I wanted to rip out every decision I'd made for the last 6 months or maybe years and just wind it all in a new way. In a way where I didn't end up here.

Watching the ceiling fan spin.

Around and around.

"Alice, you OK? My ride to the airport is almost here and Gayle just left. Levi's down for his nap."

"Yeah. Be right out." I sat up and slid the door open to the bathroom. I washed off all the make-up and changed into a t-shirt dress and bicycle shorts.

"Hey," Jeb smiled as I stepped out of my room. "You remember Kyra? From last night?"

I stopped cold. Jeb was officially in bitch-move position. "Really? No. Hi, I'm Alice."

She had bright red lips and braids down to her waist in every color. And definitely a size 00. "There you are!" She scrunched her nose like I was a bunny in a pet shop window.

"See you Friday, Jeb," I kept my expression flat.

"Yeah, I'll text you the time. Take care of yourself. Let me know if it gets too much, OK? Rafe and Lucy will pitch in if you need a night off. And there's Jay in an emergency."

I nodded.

I didn't bother to wave as they left.

That week, Levi finally started sleeping a little better - up only once or twice a night. Once Gayle arrived in the morning, I was able to start getting strategic with my job searching but I was discovering that it was really bad timing.

On Thursday, I made an appointment with a counselor at Paige's urging. I periodically sent Jeb pictures of Levi without commentary.

No more Memes.

On Friday, Jeb arrived in a cab and I handed him the baby monitor and drove away to the airport. I parked in long-term parking and caught a flight to Vancouver. Ari had put me in business class for the 7 hour flight, bless him.

When I arrived, a driver was holding an iPad blinking with the name 'Al STGeorge' and I assumed it was me. We arrived at my dad's hotel at 1AM local time. Dad was hosting some kind of party in a suite overlooking the harbor - it was bigger than Jeb's entire house. He had his hand on the ass of an actress I immediately recognized. My stepmother was nowhere to be found.

He literally welcomed me with open arms. Made a big deal out of my graduation to all the people around him. I blushed at the praise and was a little surprised he'd known what degree I'd gotten, much less with honors.

My own room in the hotel was just a regular one but it was overlooking the pool. I took a sleeping pill and was out for 10 hours.

Late the next morning, I took a swim and then met dad for brunch. There was no such thing as being alone with him - Dad always had an entourage - but he actually gave me his attention.

"I want to do something for you," he nodded. "My eldest graduates. It's a big deal."

"I'll take it," that surprised him. The last time I ever asked him for anything was when I was 17 and running from Garth and Lonnie. I was the least greedy or dependent of all his kids. "I want a year."

"Uh, and how should I wrap that?" he laughed, ribbing the guy next to him.

I slid a brochure across the table. "School contracts are signed between March and May. There may be some job openings for next school year that open in August but nothing to count on. So I'm kind of at a loose end for the next 9 months until interviewing starts up again. What I would really like to do instead of working odd jobs or whatever? Is to join this group and go to Greece to help create child-safe spaces for refugees. This is where my art education and therapy classes could really make a difference, Dad."

"Uh..." he coughed and put down his smoothie or organic juice or whatever it was. His face turned serious. "You want to go to the refugee camps?"

"Yes. And I would need help from you. Tickets and a small stipend to live on."

"I don't understand. You need money? What about your trust?"

"The trust was for school. This is my graduation gift. Not money - I want tickets and support. Like, I want you to donate to the organization, so they can afford art supplies. You do stuff like that all the time."

"Ali-bear, it's dangerous over there...and didn't you just get..."

"Yes. I did. And this probably all seems crazy but..." I was speaking a hard truth and I had to struggle because I could feel my throat closing up and I didn't want to cry in public. "I'm asking you to trust me. And help me."

"This is what you want?"

I nodded.

"Then consider it done," he reached over the table and patted my hand. "I'm proud of you Alicia."

"Thanks," I met his eyes and felt like I was paying attention to him for the first time in a long time.

I spent the day taking full advantage of the swank hotel. Hit the spa, ate the gourmet meals, swam in the pool, then slept another full night. The luxury of not having a baby monitor was soooo good.  The hot and sweaty dreams about Jeb were soooooo bad. I woke up disorientated and frustrated.

There was no explaining to my body that Jeb was out of reach.

I left before breakfast on Sunday and touched down after dinner. Flying west was always a bitch. When I rode down the the escalator,  Jeb was waiting for me with Levi in a stroller. Levi waved in recognition.

"What?" I smiled in surprise, leaning down to kiss my favorite toddler.

"My flight leaves in two hours so it just made sense..."

"Oh, right," so much for hoping he wanted to see me.

"Good trip?"

I nodded. "I think I sold him on my plan."

"Tell me about it later, after I land?" I could see the curiosity in his blue eyes.

I shook my head. "Let's wait and see if it goes through."

"Yeah?" His brow furrowed for a second like he wanted to ask more but he stopped himself. He indicated the stroller. "You good with this? I can help you..."

"No, I got it. Have a good flight."

He leaned down and kissed Levi's chubby cheek. Then he turned to me and paused. "You look good."

"Thanks."

He smiled again and my heart flipped.

I watched for a moment as he headed to the escalator and then forced myself to turn away. I pushed Levi back out the sliding doors and started the process of wrangling the stroller to get on the bus to the parking lot.

When I got back to the cabin, Levi was snoring. I changed his diaper and stuck him in a thin onesie and put him down.

Then I headed to the kitchen for some water.

There was a jewelry box on the table with a note; "on or off, I bought it for you. Thank you for being my wife and Levi's stepmother this summer. There was no better choice."

I opened it gingerly, but really was just my ring.

No better choice?

What did that mean?

I pulled the ring out and looked at it from all angles. It was shiny and pretty and solid.

With a sigh, I put it back in the box and the box in a drawer.

Then I grabbed it back out and stuck in on my bedside table.

Hating how indecisive I was, I went to bed.