ten: three grooms walk into a reception...

It was another boy.

Born on a gurney in a conference room at the county courthouse. She was so outraged that it was a boy that she screamed louder than when she'd given birth.

"It was just tucked..."

"Don't EVEN, Jacob Scott, Junior!! You promised me a daughter. You SAID it was a daughter!! What kind of freaky doctor are you?! I have a dresser full of itty bitty dresses!!"

Marco looked smug but Maggie crinkled up her face as she rocked Peetie on her hip. "Oh, she's right. We need some estrogen in this family."

"I gave you a temporary boost today."

"But that's just cancelled out with Levi."

"Don't look at me," Laurie laughed, holding her hands up.

"When do you get Levi, dear?" Grandma Mary asked.

"Tomorrow morning," Jeb breathed.

"Oh, so we will get to meet him."

"Won't that be overwhelming?" Maggie bit her lip.

Shay walked up. Trip, Queenie and Jay's eldest, was asleep in his arms. "One of y'all gotta take him," he demanded. "I'm out."

Jeb stepped forward and gently moved Trip onto his shoulder. "Thanks, man. This was above and beyond. We're at LaceyBelle's tonight. I'm buying."

"See you there," Shay nodded and grabbed his briefcase.

Jeb looked so damn good in that moment, with his tie over his shoulder and Trip in his arms and his boutonniere slightly askew. I pulled out my phone and took a picture.

The EMTs rolled out Queenie with Jay closely following. "University Hospital," he said, tossing his keys to Jeb. Jeb caught them one-handed without disturbing Trip. The guy had skills.

Jeb drove my Kia again with Laurie taking the passenger seat. Maggie and her grandmother were following us in Jay's SUV with Trip in his car seat. Everyone else scattered.

"OK so you're...Jeb's younger sister?" I valiantly attempted conversation.

"Mmmm hmmm," Laurie didn't look up.

"And Maggie is the oldest?"

"Nope."

I waited for her to elaborate.

She didn't.

Awkward.

Jeb dove in. "Uh, so my dad had Jay first and my mom had Maggie first and then they got married. My dad was long gone so I became a Scott and then Laurie was born."

"Can I get a flowchart?"

"I'm sure Maggie is making you one right now," Laurie laughed at her own joke.

"So, who is Grandma Mary?"

"Oh, that would actually take some explaining," Jeb exhaled. "She's a nice lady who's kind of been a fairy godmother to us all."

"Where do you find one of those?"

"You just married into one of those," Laurie reminded me.

"Right. Moving on....so Jay stole Queenie? From his best friend?"

"Uhhhhhhh...I wouldn't say that in front of her. You will get a serious lecture about paternalistic societies and women having their own agency."

"Amen," Laurie agreed.

"And Queenie wants a daughter?"

"Ya think?"

"Laurie," Jeb sighed. "Could you try, here?"

She looked up at Jeb and then at me. "Dude. I'm stuck in a car with literal newlyweds."

"Dude, I'm a bride in the backseat with a venomous spider bite."

"Key word there is bride, I think."

I opened my mouth and then shut it again.

"Way to keep shutting it down, Laurie," Jeb groaned.

"Just keeping it real, bro."

We pulled into the parking lot by the hospital and watched as Jeb jogged to the SUV and to gather up Trip and a diaper bag. They disappeared into the sliding doors of the emergency room. We waited.

"I can't find you on Instagram or Facebook or anything," Laurie mused.

I rattled off my gmail address as I watched the exit. Just sitting here, in a wedding dress, with my new sister-in-law...a cake in the back seat...waiting for my husband...

"Approve me."

I grabbed my phone and launched my apps. I had like a zillion notifications. It suddenly occurred to me that I'd pretty much been app-free for days.

"Whoa...who is Finn Levitt?"

"What?"

"Are you on the run? Like being stalked??"

I began scrolling. I could actually feel the blood draining from my face as I read. Finn had just gone on all my social media claiming I was missing...and I was his wife. There was even a photo of our marriage license!! Posted 19 minutes ago. WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?!

I was shaking.

The car door in front of me opened and closed. I'd missed Jeb walking up. "OK, Queenie's mom has Trip. Everyone is good. Baby has no name unless he's chill with Satsana."

"Jeb, your wife is missing."

"Uh, she's right here."

Laurie passed over her phone. Long silence. Then, softly, "fuck."

"I had nothing..."

"Of course not," Jeb groaned. "This asshole, though."

"What do I do?" My phone buzzed in my hand. Katie, loving the wedding picture and asking if I'd seen SnapChat. I opened the app. Finn had posted a story. About us. Pretty intimate pictures of us too. Not nudity. But a couple of us clearly on a bed, laughing.

I didn't want Jeb to even see this.

"Hey, did you see SnapChat?"

I wished the world would open up and swallow me.

"Alice?"

"Yeah?" I was mumbling into glass of my phone.

"Let's go for a walk." He got out and opened my door.  I hobbled out and he helped me limp up the sidewalk for a few yards.

"Better?"

I nodded, breathing deep.

"What do you want to do?"

"Is killing him not an option?"

"Well, I know some guys but...probably not a proportional response."

"I could close all my accounts for a while. Or write some kind of response?" My phone began buzzing in my hand. Texts from my two other suite-mates. A couple of friends from campus. One of my stepbrothers. Shit.

"Stuff like this, you fight online and it just turns into a massive drama..."

"You think I don't know that?"

"Start with the real world. What's gonna happen offline?"

"Well, my parents. Uh...Ari has someone monitoring our social media. Right. So I will tell Ari and he can chill things for my father. I can probably send a group email to my real friends and let them know I'm fine..."

"Do you want to tell them about us?"

"What would I say?"

"What do you want to say?"

I walked beside him quietly. I was getting good at remembering to step on the ball of my foot and not the heel. "The truth. That I'm graduating, that I got married to a good person, that we're bringing home a small person that will need our attention. That I'm going forward with my life this summer and I don't know what will happen after that but I'm excited."

"Will that backfire on you when we get divorced?"

"Not unless I make a big shebang out of it, you know? Jeb, I've been really happy here. Until I came to school, I always felt like I was on stage and never really myself no matter where I was."

"Until I was 12 or 13, most of my life was like that, too. Then Maggie married Marco and suddenly, Laurie and I were safe to figure our shit out and grow up. You were safe here. Figures that a lot of living got done."

"Yeah," I met his eyes. "Well, I'm not going to lose that now that I've had it. A 100-day marriage that lets you bring Levi home and me help with that? The people who really care about us will support us and the rest aren't real."

"So it sounds like we have a plan. If you want, we can put something up - just an announcement or pictures. Just put it out there without engaging in the drama."

"Yes, sounds good." My phone buzzed again. Oh my God, a text from Naomi. I showed it to Jeb.

"Is that HER? The shower girl?"

I nodded.

"DBABAI?"

"It means 'don't be a bitch about it.' Like, I shouldn't overreact over her and Finn screwing."

"She's some kind of special," Jeb shook his head and gave me back the phone. "Call Ari. We're meeting the rest of the family at the restaurant in a few hours. Put up some pictures. Maybe actually have a laugh?"

I nodded.

"Alicia," Ari sighed like I was burdening him with a big, slimy rock once I told him what was going on. "He will want to speak to you. You got married without telling him? He has feelings."

I scrunched up my face to stop myself from arguing. "Yeah, OK. Tell him I'm sorry."

"I think media will want to keep this on the down-low, unless TMZ or something gets hold of it. So lie low until I tell you different. Can you do that?"

I've been doing it for 22 years, I wanted to yell. I'm done. But I was polite and said my goodbyes cheerily.

I FaceTimed Katie and she squealed about my dress and 'do and suddenly I felt so much better. Was it too much to ask that people be happy? I mean, really.

The restaurant was gorgeous. I'd never seen it before; just outside of town. We were shown to a large table set up in the back garden. The waiter took my bouquet and put it in water as the centerpiece of our big table. They put the cake on a little side table. A bunch of high chairs were brought around for the boys.

Maggie leaned in to help me make a quick movie. Guest-starring the still-looking-amazing Jeb. I posted it on Instagram and the rest of my accounts. Nodding, Jeb did the same. Katie retweeted.

Grandma Mary was a riot with the twins. Then Shay arrived, then Rafael and his girlfriend Lucy. A few other people I didn't know. A friend of mine from the University was actually working there as a waitress and came by to visit. I posted a few group shots and then turned off my phone.

I felt amazing.

Jeb stayed close, slipping a hand on my back when I started to hobble. I was starting to love the frizzle sensation of his calloused fingers even through my dress. The kids played on the grass with toys Maggie brought. I sipped a mimosa as we waited for dinner.

Then I heard my name being called. It was like slow motion, I turned and there was Finn.

"Holy shit, what is he doing here?" I put down the glass.

"Shower guy?" Jeb cocked his head.

"Shower guy," I confirmed. I squinted and then it came to me. "Did we have the location thing turned on when we posted?"

"I usually don't..."

"ALICE!! I've been looking EVERYWHERE FOR YOU!!" He jogged towards me.

I involuntarily took a step back. Jeb's hand tightened at my waist.

"ALICIA!" We all turned to the doorway. OMFG. LONNIE?

"Your Christmas elf?" Jeb guessed.

I nodded, my eyes so wide I was practically a lemur.

"Alicia Andersen St. Georges!"

"And...that's mom," I grimaced.

"Well, this just got interesting," Shay cackled.

"You said it," Grandma Mary agreed.

I braced myself.