nine: dear reader, I married him

I set my alarm for 6AM. Grooming takes time, am I right?

I fought back deja vu and the embarrassment. Being in Jeb's house helped. Everything was different.

I told myself that this was not a mistake and I wasn't crazy.

I told myself that I was beautiful.

I dug around in my boxes for my things - make up and curlers and hair products and tweezers...

Eventually, I had vintage waves and eyeliner and coral red lipstick on. I had a sprig of baby's breath in my hair. And, unfortunately, a ballet slipped on the one healthy foot. But otherwise, I pretty much smashed it.

Jeb gave me a small spit-take.

My insides had been buzzing by then about getting married but his half-smirk, half-smile made me feel a lot better.

"I like this wedding dress better than the one you were wearing Saturday," he nodded.

....And then I felt worse again.

He held up his tie. "Anything special you want me to do with this?"

"Tie it around your neck?"

"I mean for the knot."

"No, whatever you usually do."

"I don't, usually."

"You can tie a tie, though?"

"Not great," he admitted. "I'm in construction, remember?"

I took the yellow tie and looked at Jeb. He was tall, lean, broad-shouldered but narrow-waisted. His suit was modern cut and so was the shirt. I sensed Maggie had helped because it was perfect.

I slipped the tie around his neck and carefully tied a four-in-hand. As I was tightening it, the door beeped and Maggie stepped in.

"Oh, you both look so nice!" She snapped some pictures with her phone.

I quickly stepped back away from Jeb. He flipped his collar down and met his sister with a hug. "You're here early."

"The rental only holds five so I needed a ride."

"Oh, God. Who are the other two?"

"Surprise! Laurie flew down with Grandma Mary. And JJ and Queenie are meeting us there."

"Wait, no, they can't. Queenie is in labor."

"She hasn't progressed at all, so the hospital sent her away."

"But, Maggie...I called Shay. Alice has another marriage license out so I figured we needed a lawyer who knew the system."

"What? Oh fuck a duck and shit on a lid," she rolled her eyes.

I snapped back. Sweet Maggie knew how to swear? "So, longtime listener, first time caller - could someone explain who Shay is? And why is it a thing?"

"Shay and Marco and Jay all went to college together with Queenie. Shay and her were on again and off again for like...15 years?"

"How is that possible?"

"They literally grew up together. Their fathers were best friends. Then..."

"Then JJ happened," Jeb supplied.

"But surely, after all this time..."

Maggie and Jeb were both shaking their heads.

"Well, this will be one more flavor of fun, then," I was able to limp over to the fridge without crutches. I pulled out the flowers and waved for Jeb to pin his boutonniere.

Maggie slipped her corsage on her wrist and looked delighted. I pulled out my bouquet and Maggie looked even happier. Jeb grabbed the bag with the boutonniere for Marco and corsage for Laurie. I hadn't known about anyone else so we would be short.

Then I grabbed my clutch purse and crutches.

"Where's the bite?" Maggie asked, helping me juggle all the stuff.

"Back of my heel," I groaned. "There's a massive blister but the pain is much better."

"I'm glad you're OK, those are so dangerous!! Jeb, the burn mark from the shelter looks like an alien landed at the farmhouse. Thank you for killing all those spiders, otherwise it would have been the Marriott and all sleeping in one room."

"Any time," he nodded.

We took my Kia. Jeb almost looked embarrassed to drive it but Maggie was enchanted. I sat in back with my leg up to try and keep down the swelling.

We got drive thru coffee and bread at a different Starbucks. Heh. Then we swung by picked up a cake Maggie ordered.

Everyone was waiting for us. I met Laurie and Grandma Mary and the flowers were put on and finally it was time to go in.

I quickly realized that it was the infamous Shay who was waiting by the license window.

Jay, the doctor, turned a little pink as he approached.

Then Queenie passed off the little boy in her arms to her husband and grunted.

"Holy crap, you're in labor," Shay said, stepping forward.

"I know," Queenie growled. "This is the 4th day. No progress."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"Uncomfortable, not dangerous," Dr Scott promised.

"I still think she should be in a hospital."

"I AM a doctor, you know."

"Not an OB-GYN, though. Certainly not a midwife or anything!"

"But it's MY kid!"

"But SHE is the one in pain!"

"Hi, can I have a form to get married?" Jeb asked the clerk at the window. "And we kind of have a special circumstance. My fiancee has an old wedding license out there with someone else but doesn't have the actual paper. She wants it cancelled."

"Have her step up, please."

"I'm fine, now," Queenie sighed.

I handed over my identification and the clerk began tapping away. "OK, the other license is still valid and not filed."

"I did not and will not be marrying him."

"No refunds, you understand?"

I nodded.

Shay stepped up and conferred with clerk. He got his supervisor. The supervisor and Shay chuckled about something.

Jeb filled out the new application and then slid it over to me. I copied my information in. Again. The deja vu was overwhelming.

"You ok?" Jeb whispered.

"I feel stupid," I squinted and puffed out a breath. My stomach was churning.

"I once installed a window upside-down."

"What?"

"4 of them," Marco corrected. "All in a row, upside down."

"But you didn't marry the windows."

"You didn't marry shower guy."

"I would have..."

"Deal with what is. Plan for what could be. Let go of what wasn't," Maggie suggested.

"Easy to say," I leaned back over the form and began writing again.

"I know it's hard. But if you make it a mantra, it helps maintain perspective."

Jeb brought the completed form with our identification to the window. Shay and the supervisor continued their discussion.

Queenie grunted again. We all stopped and turned.

"No, no, that was just a kidney kick."

And we all relaxed.

The clerk handed over the license. Jeb smiled at me.

"OK, now what?"

"The officiant isn't here yet," Jeb glanced at his watch.

"I'm here! I'm here!" An older woman with a million wrinkles in her coffee-colored skin arrived down the hall, clicking a gold-tipped cane. There was a young man with her; he had a camera and immediately began taking pictures.

"Alice, this retired Judge Jefferson. Your honor, this is Alice."

"All right, let's go to the conference room. Good morning, Albert," she acknowledged the clerk's supervisor as we all made our way to a room around the corner. "Captain Kingsley, I do believe you're in labor."

"Yes, your honor, I am," she growled. "But they kicked me out of the hospital because this one is really slow."

"Well, just to be safe, let's move quickly," she put Jeb and I in front of her and took the license. Everyone else sort of fanned around us. The guy with the camera took pictures. The judge worked from memory, starting with "We are gathered together here in the presence of these witnesses..."

Then she asked Jeb if it was his intention to marry me and make me his wife, he said it was and then I echoed. She had Jeb repeat after her that he was taking me "as his lawful wife, to love, honor and keep as a faithful husband is bound to do, in health and in sickness, in prosperity and adversity, and forsaking all others, keep himself only unto..." me.

Wow.

Then I repeated it for him.

We didn't touch. We barely made eye contact.

I tried to remember to breathe.

We didn't have any rings or a candle or anything either so she skipped to the end; "For as much as Jebidiah Scott and Alicia St. Georges have consented to live together in wedlock, and having declared their intentions before these witnesses and no legal impediments having been shown, I do hereby join them together in wedlock and declare that they are now husband and wife."

After a moment of hesitation, Jeb leaned over and kissed my cheek. I felt the spark like static electricity and jumped.

"Oof," Queenie said softly.

We stopped and looked at her.

She shook her head.

The judge and Jeb and I signed the paper. Jeb put a hand at my back and we all crowded together and had more pictures taken. I had the photographer take a few with my phone, as well.

Then we went back to the clerk and submitted the license. It took longer to process that than it had to actually get married. The bizarreness of what we were doing was messing with my mind and I started to feel impatient to leave. Jeb began jiggling my car keys in his pocket.

To my undying relief, Albert handed over our certificate just before I literally exploded.

As we were looking it over for errors, Marco stuck his head out of the conference room and shouted to us. "Jeb, Alice! We just called 911 - Queenie's water broke and she says she's crowning!"