I liked you

Senna's POV

OH SHIITAKE! She knows.

I can't tell if she's hurt or angry or both. All I know is from the look on her face it's not good.

Definitely not good.

"Or should I say, Sen-na?" her words replay through my brain. Especially the way she made sure to pronounce my name as two distinct syllables.

I, of course, react like an idiot. With stunning silence. Jaw open and eyes void of expression while standing still at Ruby's drivers side door.

I just need a few moments to figure this all out.

I'm so caught up in my thoughts that it barely registers that's she has opened her door and has started running down the street.

Instinctively I run after her. My legs burn as I struggle to keep her pace. She is so tiny I don't understand how she is so fast. Seriously how is she so fast?

I scream after her, "Harri, wait! I can explain!"

I'm not sure I can but I just need her to stop.

Stride for stride we run down the gravel path across the road from a row of houses that tell a story of perfect families. Complete with white picket fences which frame their lovingly tended rose bushes, perfectly manufactured lawns and adorable porch swings. The kind of life I can only hope for.

"HARRI, please!" I beg, my voice cracking under the strain.

I'm not sure if it's because she can hear the desperation in my voice or because she wants to hear my explanation but for some reason she stops. And suddenly.

Unlike the night we first meet I manage to stop just before our bodies collide. A puff of dust plumes at my feet as I slide across the gravel before coming to a halt.

I smile for a fraction of a moment as the memory of our first collision. Thoughts of what came after run through my mind before I return to the reality before me, remembering that this moment is nothing like that moment.

That this moment is make or break and right now I'm breaking.

As I stand a foot or so behind her. My feet planted firmly on the ground. I stare at her back willing her to turn around and face me.

But she doesn't.

I will her to speak.

But she doesn't.

I will her to forgive me.

But she doesn't.

Instead she faces the roadway. Her hair which is poking out from below her beanie blows gently in the wind as cars go by slowly.

I edge closer cautiously like I am approaching a wild animal. My movements slow and considered so as not to surprise her any more than I already have.

"Harri, please talk to me." I reach my hand out placing it gently on her shoulder. She tries to shrug it off but I hold it firm.

"Harri, please," I beg.

She doesn't answer me with words. But as the sound of her heavy sobs hit my ears I find myself relieved for the first time since I meet her that I cannot see her face.

I don't think I could bare to see the hurt in her eyes. The hurt that I, Senna Jager have inflicted.

I blink away the tears welling in my own eyes. "Harri," I whisper, swallowing hard.

Without warning she spins on her heels. The action catches me off guard forcing me to take a step back in response.

"Do me a favour SJ? Whatever excuse you're going to give me — save it for your groupies!" she snaps wiping her tear stained cheeks with the end of her scarf.

"It's not like that Harri. Please believe me," I plead.

"Believe you?" she huffs indignantly as more tears stream down her face. "Everything you've told me has been a lie, SJ."

I kick a loose stone, focusing my eyes on it, unable to look at the hurt in her face for a second longer. "I have never lied to you Harri.... I...I just didn't tell you some things."

"Some things? You're the fudging lead singer for Gate Thirty Four!" She all but screams.

I look to the house across the road and see an old couple sitting on their porch swing. A crocheted blanked is placed on their knees protecting them from the chilly air. They each raise their brows at us, annoyed at our disturbance their peace. Even the ginger cat sitting at their feet stop preening himself stops to look up.

Harri throws her hands in the air. "Seriously, was all this some just some kind of joke?"

"What?" I ask surprised that she would even think that I was capable of such a thing. "Of course not!"

"Like, hey let's mess with the quiet girl, with no friends and terrible bloody regrowth?" she questions angrily.

"No, Harri. It's not like that. I just wanted to be me."

"BE YOU? BUT YOU WERN'T YOU, SEN-NA! Seriously I can't handle any more surprises. Just tell me, am I being punked?"

"Punked? Harri this isn't 2003." I counter, surprised at my use of sarcasm at such a moment.

She folds her arms across her chest and looks towards the old couple. No longer bothering to wipe the tears from her cheeks.

"And this is why I didn't tell you, because I knew you'd react like this," I yell in frustration. Unintentionally equalling her volume from earlier.

Her eyes widen. "So this is MY fault?"

Sensing the situation is escalating the old lady stands, picks up the ginger cat and shuffles her way inside the house. The man follows closely behind, making sure to give us one final disapproving look before placing the blanket neatly on the bench and closing the door behind himself.

I reach my hand out and grab hers. "I didn't mean it that way, My Queen. I just meant that..." I struggle to find the words. I think I am so desperate to make her listen that I instead of talking to her I am yelling, and yelling loudly. My voice crackles.

I take a moment to compose myself before continuing. "I just meant that with you I am SJ. I'm not Senna Jager and I wanted to keep that as long as possible. I didn't want you to read about me in the tabloids," I manage to choke out.

I feel the tears coming back and force myself to look away. I tighten my jaw, pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth because I read once that it can stop the tears. I can't let her see me cry. Just like I couldn't let my friends see me cry when my Dad died.

She pulls her hand free of mine, re-crossing them. "And you didn't think that I deserved to know? You didn't think I was smart enough to make up my own mind? You know how I feel about the whole celebrity thing, SJ and yet you went along with your lie!"

"Of course you deserved to know and I was going to tell you... tonight," I mumble burying my hands in my pockets, focusing my attention back at my feet.

"But you didn't tell me! You let me find out through Jackson. Jax. Whatever name his stupid name is," she huffs.

"Jaxon," I clarify. She gives me a look that tells me that she wasn't really asking.

"Harri, can we please just talk about this?" I ask for what feels like the twentieth time.

She sighs deeply. "I can't deal with this right now, Senna." I feel my stomach churn as she says my name. Senna. It sounds like acid coming from her mouth.

I stand there frozen on the spot worried that if I say something it will be the wrong thing but equally worried that if I don't say anything I'll lose my only chance.

"I'd rather you just take me home," she says finally breaking the silence.

"Okay, I'll take you home. But please, Harri don't call me Senna, call me SJ."

She shrugs her shoulders, walks past me and makes her way towards Ruby who I left sitting alone, unlocked, at the bowser.

I trail behind her as she walks, all the while working out what I can say, or do, to make it all better.

Where is Jax when I need him? We didn't practice this.

As we approach the car the station attendant is standing by Ruby's bumper. He gives me a mouthful about leaving her at the bowser unattended. I resist the urge to knock him out and focus all my energy on working out what I can say to make Harri forgive me.

But nothing comes.

We sit in silence as I drive her home. Neither of us daring to speak in case we say something we'll both regret.

She stares out the window, never once looking my way.

While the sounds of her sobs are no longer audible the occasional tear falls from her cheek onto her lap. She lets them drop freely, perhaps because her scarf is too wet to continue to be of any use.

I offer her a tissue from the glovebox which she silently accepts but without so much as an attempt to make eye contact with me.

The pancakes we ate earlier threaten to make a reappearance. I push them back down and tell myself to man up. I decide at this stage the only thing I have going for me is honesty.

I suck in a deep breath. "Harri... I don't want things to end like this. I really like you. I've never felt like this about anyone before and I guess I panicked. I feel like you know the real me." I stammer as we pull into her street.

"The real you? I just found out your real name," she answers, half laughing. Her face still fixed on the window outside.

I slow down in an attempt to delay the inevitable moment in which we get to her house. "That's just my name, Harri. I'm talking about the real me. I can assure you the SJ you know is the real me. The guy who tells terrible dad jokes, the one thinks you are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. The Mad Hatter. Not the Senna Jager from the tabloids."

"I really liked you too SJ," she replies.

Her use of liked in the past tense sends a shiver through my spine. "Harri please," I beg as we pull into the drive, my voice strained.

"I'm sorry SJ. I don't think I can," she says solemnly as she gets out of the car closing the door gently behind herself.

I sit in her driveway for a few minutes trying to calm myself down. Hoping that she will change her mind and come back out but knowing ultimately that she won't.

How did this even happen? How did I get here?

My hands shaking I grab the steering wheel, put the car in gear and no longer attempt to stop the tears from flowing.

Fuck. Where is Jax when I need him?

—————

Author's note:

Hiyouuuu!!

How are you all? I had a week in Singapore! What an amazing county- but this little time for writing. So sorry I'm a little late.

I don't know about you but I am an emotional wreck after writing that. Did it hit you in the feels?

Is Harri right? Is she being too harsh? Can she forgive him?

What can SJ do to earn her forgiveness? Or should he even try?

I want to know everything you're thinking. The good, the bad, the ugly... the truth!

-Trudz

(Also sorry to everyone who didn't get the notification about my last chapter. Not sure what happened there. Hoping not to have the same issues this time.)