Chapter 2: It Might as Well be String Theory

It might as well be string theory Boffins, Boffins, Einstein’s theory seemed quite strong, But others try to prove him wrong, And though they’re hard to find, Experiments in mind, Gravity or roll a dice, Curve your space to make a line, Boffins, Take a proton going fast, Hit it with another blast, See what fly’s apart, New particles we see, A boson or a lepton free, The source of all the gravity, Boffins, Boffins always working harder, Boffins laboring with ardor, Boffins keep a well-stocked larder, Boffins are working for you and you and you and you, They do enjoy a cup of tea, Maybe with a nice biccy, Don’t try frangipane, It will leave you pail and wan, While living in a world 3D (Fades on last line)

Doctor George Arboretum stared at the apparatus on his desk. “Kooky is this three hundred and seventy three degrees kelvin?” His short of stature and bearded assistant stirred the liquid; then he read off the result. “Ninety eight degrees’ Celsius doctor.” Arboretum adjusted his glasses. “And have you prepared the infusion chamber?” With a snappy salute Brian Kooky informed the doctor, “three spoons full.”

Then turning to the desk Kooky was stood at, doctor Arboretum raised an accusatory finger. “So how did you warm the pot?” But his accusatory grin slid from his face, and his lankly frame sagged in his tweed suit. Kooky had side stepped his short podgy form, wrapped in a save the vole tee shirt. To reveal the metal teapot, sat atop a stand under which a Bunsen burner flickered it’s flame.

“Well you’d better get steeping” Arboretum indicated the hot water. “Then call professor Hack n’ Tack from his studies.” Kooky poured the water in to the kettle, and then he scooted off to a plusher section of the laboratory. There an elfin figure reclined in an armchair, His legs atop a poof, as he poured though a copy of the man who would be king. “Enjoying your Kipling?” asked Kooky.

Professor Terry Hack n’ Tack squealed at this intrusion in to his private thoughts, and the book fell to his union jack waistcoat as he shot up. “Can’t a fellow enjoy a good Kipling of an afternoon? What do you want?” Kooky hitched his thumb over his shoulder “Tea’s up. Get a shift or doctor Arboretum will nab all the ginger nuts again.” Thus passed another fruitful afternoon in the theoretical physics department at Oxbridge college.

George ruffled the college paper and read the headline. “I see Flanghouse won the singles crumpet hurling again.” Hack n’ Tack leaned over the side of his comfy chair. “That’s the third year in a row he’s won it isn’t it?” as Kooky poured him another cup of tea. But a small article on the back of the paper caught his eye, causing Kooky to spill the beverage.

“Watch what you’re doing Kooky you dolt.” Hack n’ Tack was up mopping the spilt beverage off his waistcoat, with some spare notes he had been working on. But Kooky ignored him, and putting down the teapot he advanced on Doctor Arboretum and his paper. “Have you read this?” Kooky pointed his stubby finger at the short article. The doctor turned over the sheet and read it out.

“Science funding in serious jeopardy. Following the loss of government funding for academic establishments, the dean of science professor Montgomery Fitshampton has had to call on the old boys network to drum up private funding from that sector. But as times are hard all round he was quoted as saying. ‘I will be having a hard look at all the science departments to see who is engaged in nonproductive studies, and jolly well get them working what what.’”

Doctor Arboretum let the paper fall, as he exchanged aghast looks with professor Hack n’ Tack. “This is serious, if we lose our funding we’ll be out on the street.” Terry lowered his shaking cup and stuttered, “But how do we sell theoretical science? Our studies are so advanced we couldn’t hope to prove them, let alone make them in to a viable product.”

Kooky rapped the pot with a teaspoon to get the eminent men’s attention. “I told you cross multidimensional communication was a daft line to follow, but no you said and I quote.” He cast a scathing look at doctor Arboretum. “It’s so far out there that no one will be able to understand it, we’ll be on easy street for years.” Professor Hack n’ Tack was nodding, but a look from Kooky cut him down. “And you went along with him, just to keep yourself supplied in tea and ginger nuts.”

Terry stood up, and with conviction in his eyes avowed, “Well we’ll just have to have a jolly good chat with Monty Fitshampton, and get his word as a gentleman that he won’t take away my tea and biscuits.” “And keep funding us to research in to cross multidimensional communication.” Arboretum reminded him. “Yes that too. Kooky arrange a meeting thingy”, finished the professor.

So at about half past two the next afternoon, when the doctor the professor and their lab assistant had dined sumptuously, and let their lunches settle, they found them selves outside the office of professor Montgomery Fitshampton. “Let’s just straiten your tie”, Kooky adjusted Hack n’ Tack’s apparel, brushing minute crumbs off his waistcoat.

Then the booming voice of Fitshampton called out, “Enter” and they filed in to his office. The plush red leather chairs gave it more the look of a gentlemen’s club, as Fitshampton waved the two academic giants down, and Kooky hovered in the background unnoticed. Beaming, the dean of science proffered Arboretum and Hack n’ Tack a brandy.

“Well gentlemen, what brings you to trouble an old man in his times of financial woe?” He beamed at the two, as if they should laugh at his humorous quip. Arboretum leaned in. “Well we heard a teensy rumor that the department was floundering a bit in the fiscal sense.” Fitshampton waved a free arm as if swatting a fly. Causing Hack n’ Tack to almost spill his drink. “Stuff and nonsense”, the dean boomed. “As long as a chap can show some results that what he’s working on is going to make us a fat wad of cash, then he’s nothing to worry about.”

Arboretum nodded as if in agreement. Fitshampton took a swig of his drink and turned to Hack n’ Tack. “So just what are you fellows on the track of?” Hack n’ Tack was squirming in his chair, but Arboretum cut in. “It’s cross multidirectional communication. A sort of way to say hello to beings from beyond our universe.” Fitshampton wheeled on him, “Not aliens I hope, I’ll not have any truck with alien hunters. We had a lot of trouble with S.E.T.I. back in the seventies.” But keen to reassure his superior Arboretum pressed on, “Oh no sir, these are definitely home grown. They probably exist in this office so to speak, just one dimension over.”

This seemed to placate Fitshampton, and he took another swig of his drink. “Well It sounds very complicated, no don’t try to explain the math’s or anything.” For Hack n’ Tack had risen from his chair with a set of notes he was unfurling. “It might as well be string theory for all I could make of it.” He turned once more to Arboretum. “So you can come up with some solid results, in say a week?” Arboretum stifled a cry as he nodded, for Hack n’ Tack had just kicked his ankle, but Fitshampton failed to notice Hack n’ Tack’s move. “Good good, well that’s settled. You get me some results by next Tuesday, and you funding will go on as normal.”

He turned to Hack n’ Tack who flinched again. “But you make sure you make good with your promise. Not like Carthairs junior, who once said he could eat twelve ostrich eggs the little oik. Mind you it didn’t do him any harm, he’s the duchess of Argyle now.” Hack n’ Tack looked up. “Don’t you mean the duke?” “I know what I mean.” And he finally refocused on the professor. Then turning to Arboretum the dean took a deep breath. “So some results in a week.” And smiling weakly Doctor Arboretum nodded back.

Back in the safety of their office, the trio looked gloomily as each other. Kooky flopped down on the best chair, and glared as the other two. “You’ve really gone and done it now,” he accused Arboretum. The doctor gave a sheepish look. “And you weren’t much better”, Kooky had turned to Hack n’ Tack. “Sitting there riling up the dean up with your ineffectual smile.” Terry rallied at this accusation, “I have a very fetching smile. In fact several people have commented on it.” “It’s not much good at getting us out of this mess though is it.”

Arboretum rounded on Kooky, having had time to collect his thoughts. “Not necessarily, for Hack n’ Tack’s distracting smile makes me think of another distraction. One to get us showered in tea and biscuits for perpetuity.” His two colleagues looked agog waiting for Arboretums big idea. “All we have to do is fake the results, Fitshampton doesn’t know anything about cross multidimensional communication. Remember he said it might as well be string theory for all he knew.” Terry gave a stifled giggle, but Brian was more skeptical.

“Do you really think we can fool the scientific world in to thinking we have accesses to the postal address of higher dimensions? They’d never fall for it.” But bringing his arm over the assistants shoulder, Arboretum pulled him in conspiratorially. “What with my doctorate at Oxford, and professors Hack n’ Tack’s Cambridge qualifications.” He squinted for a second trying to remember a fact. “And of course your lab assistant diploma from Halesowen college, we could sinch it Kooky.” And Hack n’ Tack beamed up in approval.

“Right”, continued Doctor Arboretum. “I’ll construct the test equipment, I’m sure I’ve got a nice retro seventies computer bank around here somewhere to record the results on. Then you”, he lifted professor Hack n’ Tack out of his chair. “Can get working on something to transmit the mocked up stimuli, which my test equipment will then read, and you”, Doctor Arboretum clasped Kooky by the shoulders. “Have the most important job of all.” Inspired by his superiors’ stirring speech Kooky was ready for action. “What am I going to do?” With a withering look that indicated Arboretum assumed Kooky should know what to do already. “Get the kettle on, I’m parched.”

Following the well worn path to the stores man’s bastion, the poor man had all but given up asking for paperwork for the myriad of requests for equipment in recent times; Kooky collected the various bits on the two academics parts list. Then with a sense of fevered activity, not to mention an endless procession of hot beverages and the occasional buttered teacake, the three men stood before an impressive array of scientific instrumentation. All dwarfed by the cabinet sized computer, that Arboretum had insisted including in the setup, to record their findings.

Lights flashed, sparks rose up twin wires, strange crackling emanated from boxes, and the kettle bubbled endlessly. Meanwhile behind a screen at the end of the laboratory other sets of apparatus were at work, silently churning out the desired effects Hack n’ Tack had predicted would be produced, from a cross multidimensional leak of information.

“Well gentlemen lets get recording.” Arboretum flicked the switch on his computer’s tape deck, and the spools began to whirr round to a jazz version of the classic track entitled Popcorn. After plotting many a graph and all the key formulas, plus an occasional diagram, all explained in the jargon only doctor Arboretum and professor Hack n’ Tack could spin. Kooky strapped their work together and got a porter to deliver it to the dean for assessment.

Then the two academics sank back in to comfy armchairs with a nice hot cup of tea each, and the crispest ginger nuts Kooky could provide; to await Fitshampton’s formal approval, and their extended biscuit concessions. The clock slurred around it’s face; until with a start doctor Arboretum was awoken by the distinct ring of their telephone, as it rattled in it cradle and Kooky dashed to answer it. “Very good sir, I’ll put him on.” He handed the receiver to doctor Arboretum muttering, “He seems a happy chappie.”

Meanwhile doctor Arboretum was listening to Fitshampton’s approval of their work. “Thank you very much sir, I’ll pass the news on to professor Hack n’ Tack.” He placed the receiver back down. But far from the expected jubilant look on his face, doctor Arboretum now had a rather worried look as he passed the dean’s news on. “He liked it, or at least his independent advisor did.” “Well that’s good news isn’t it?” prompted the professor. But Arboretum had more news to add. “He liked it so much, he’s recommended it to the Nobel Prize committee.” “Does that mean I’ll finally become a dame?” asked Kooky.

But now both the doctor and the professor were looking worried. “Well what’s wrong with the Nobel prize committee knowing about our research?” Kooky asked perplexed. Flapping his arms for effect, doctor arboretum explained. “Because if our results come to the attention of the Nobel Prize committee, it will be published all over the world.” Professor hack n’ Tack gave a squeak. “Which means other laboratories will try to recreate our findings.” There was another squeak for the professor. “And then when they don’t get any proof of our claims, we’ll be held up as frauds.” Hack N’ Tack having given up all pretense at dignity, was hiding his face behind a frilly cushion and moaning.

“No more fat grant, I’ll have to start working for my bikkies.” Then he promptly fell off his chair, and grabbed Kooky by the knees. “You won’t let this happen will you Kooky? You can go to Fitshampton and get our work back. Tell him there are spelling mistakes that we want to correct.” But doctor Arboretum put paid to professor Hack n’ Tack’s minor breakdown. “It’s no good old chap, Fitshampton said he’d already sent the papers off.” “Well there’s only one thing I can think of doing now”, suggested Kooky. With all the joy of a child freed from an imaginary doom Hack n’ Tack looked up for his heap on the floor. “What’s that?” “I’ll put the kettle on.” And he marched over to the cups to gather them up.

Over the next few days the trio survived on copious amounts of tea and biscuits, not to mention a sense of dread of the proverbial sword of Damocles ever on the horizon, as they expected to be found out at any moment. So it was with some surprise that doctor Arboretum read the headline in the weekly scientist. “Top marks for obscure Brit department, as Nobel Prize committee receives conformation of their findings.” Professor Hack n’ Tack roused himself from his hot beverage induced stupor, and began to jump up and down like an excited child. “Tell me more tell me more.” Even Kooky breathed a sigh of relief; his low expectations for a future career as a trainee stores man could be put on hold.

Doctor Arboretum ruffled the paper and read on. “Following the amazing claim that cross dimensional communication was not only feasible, but a fact. The little know doctor Arboretum and his lab partner professor Hack n’ Tack, ably assisted by their lab assistant Brian Kooky.” “They mentioned my name, I’m famous”, cut in Kooky, to much shushing off Hack n’ Tack as Arboretum continued. “A laboratory in the peoples republic of North Korea has confirmed their findings. Although they claimed they actually found it first under the direct guidance of their glorious leader Jimjam Notwell. Also an independent study in Brisbane has had similar results. So it’s a shoe in for the Brits to win this years theoretical physics Nobel Prize, consisting of medals for each member of the team, and years supply of Swiss chocolate.”

“I just don’t get it”, doctor Arboretum finished with a dumfounded tone, as he dropped the paper. “How can all these laboratories be getting results without faking the signals?” “Perhaps they’re angling for a shot at the Nobel prize too.” Suggested Kooky. “There’d be no point, we’ve been confirmed as getting the results first”, cut in Hack n’ Tack from the chair he’d sunk back in to.

Doctor Arboretum had assumed his classical thinking pose, pacing back and forth. When he suddenly broke in to a smile. “Perhaps when we sent that message to ourselves some one.” “Or some thing”, cut in Hack n’ Tack attracting a scowl for Arboretum as he continued. “Picked up the signal, and they’ve been replying ever since.” “Well shouldn’t we try it again without the transmitter bit I did”, suggested Hack n’ Tack. “I’ll get my receiver all fired up”, suggested the doctor. “And I’ll get the kettle on”, finished Kooky.

Soon the steam was rising from the kettle spout, and the tape spools on doctor Arboretum’s seventies computer bank were spinning to the sound of the tune popcorn. Then the doctor strode over to the printer and pushed the start button. A ream of paper churned from it’s guts, and professor Hack n’ Tack dove for the message from beyond. “It’s a complex equation of some sort.” “Can you solve it?” asked Kooky as he poured the professor a cup of tea and passed another to the doctor. “Any equation has a solution given enough time”, quipped the professor. And he began to jot it down on the chalkboard, which ran across the far wall.

It looked very complicated, with terms and symbols Kooky had never seen before. But when the professor had checked that he had copied it to the board correctly, Hack n’ Tack began to add to the strange symbols with various functions which should explain the mathematical hieroglyphics, occasionally scrubbing a bit out here and adding another there. Once or twice doctor Arboretum corrected Hack n’ Tack’s work, with a nod of approval from the professor. While Kooky got busy toasting the much needed crumpets to feed the two boffins’ brains.

As the dawn broke over the campus and spread spears of light through their windows, professor Hack n’ Tack added a Q.E.D. with a flourish of his chalk and stood back to admire their work. “It’s a fine bit of theory”, commended doctor Arboretum. “Should it be doing that though?” asked Kooky pointing at a spot almost dead center in the complex equations. There was a number three point two nine that altered to point two eight before their very eyes, as if the chalked in figure was counting down. Which to the amazement of the trio it continued to do.

“Do you think we should do something?” suggested professor Hack n’ Tack. “I don’t think there’s anything we can do”, replied the stunned doctor. “I do”, shouted Kooky diving for the board with his sleeve in an attempt to rub the chalk equation off. But the script seemed to be stuck immutable, except the ever-decreasing numbers of the count down. Not even knowing if running from this strange phenomenon would do any good, the three turned to try it. But as they reached the door the counter reached zero.

Kooky saw it happen, while the two boffins scrabbled for the door handle, he looked over his shoulder. It was as if he was looking at a magic eye picture, as it suddenly came in to focus. The complex chalk marks took on a three dimensional look. Then Kooky realized it was not just three-dimensional, for he could discern more dimensions in the chalkboard than there should be. Turning away in confusion he took in the rest of the room and it seemed flat by comparison, as if it were a mere photograph of it former self.

Doctor Arboretum and professor Hack n’ Tack however seemed to have taken on the extra dimensions, that Kooky had just realized were always there just waiting for him to see. “Incredible”, proclaimed the doctor. “I make out eight dimensions”, added the professor. “You must have missed that one”, Arboretum pointed out one of the dimensions, and Hack n’ tack did a double take. “How remiss of me, yes of course your right.”

As they moved around the room strange objects pin wheeled about them displaying less dimensions than the trio seemed now to exist in. “Look kooky, those must be around us all the time, but they don’t share the same three dimensions we’re normally aware of.” “They make the place look awfully untidy”, kooky commented and he tried to walk over to one. He immediately tripped up, or it may have been down up left. “Hey it’s not easy trying to move with more directions to go in than you’re used to.” So they all started moving slowly about like multidimensional toddlers learning to walk. It took surprisingly little time, and within to hour all three could traverse the room with reasonable ease.

“So what happens next, I presume whoever opened this door of perception had a reason for it” Hack n’ Tack speculated. “Unless of course it was there all along, and we just had to listen to it without your signal generator”, the doctor countered. “No, for if it was there we could have detected it before, besides the other laboratories didn’t get the equation. I read their findings.” The professor almost fell up down forward as he over balanced defending his hypothesis. As if in answer to this argument the door swung open, or at least it folded up like a multidimensional origami construction, and a short balding yet multidimensional man stepped through.

“Good afternoon gentlemen, I see you got my note. I got your small advert about having plenty of sock space, and so I said to myself Geoffrey you’ve simply got to get that bottom draw of a sub dimension. To be honest I don’t think anyone knew about your diminutively dimensioned space, until you sent out your message. I know several other individuals who’ve shown an interest in letting the space, but I’m the first to get a reply, and so won the exclusive rights. I thank you for that. I suppose the others didn’t get the angles between dimensions just right to send their messages correctly before me. Anyway, when I’ve finished my washing and drying I’ll pop my socks in to you dimensions.” He paused. “Although I must say you’ll not have too much room to move in afterwards. But I suppose you’ve thought of that before you sent a legally binding advertisement.” And smiling weakly Geoffrey turned and left before any of the stunned men could muster a reply.

The door unfolded, and soon the room and black board were back to their normal three dimensions, with the trio restored also. Arboretum looked aghast at Hack n’ Tack. “You know what we’ve gone and done.” And through tears and a screwed up face, the professor answered him. “We’ve gone and brought an end to the universe as we know it.” Kooky put his hands on their shoulders. “Well we’d better have a nice cup of tea. And think of some way to get out of this mess you’ve got us in to.”

Hack n’ Tack just sat down hiccupping, but doctor Arboretum paced back and forth muttering to himself. Then he slapped his forehead and proclaimed, “The other laboratories, we must warn them. If any other multidimensional beings make a deal, then there’ll be too much matter in our three dimensions to cope with.” And he dove for the telephone, but at this Hack n’ Tack was up also wrestling the receiver from him. “Ho no you won’t. If you tell anyone, they’ll take away my tea and biccy money.” So they swung back and forth each equally matched, until Kooky found a red cloth to wave between them to attract their attention.

“You daft pair; didn’t that Geoffrey fellow say he’d got in first. So no others could nab the space.” And he shook his head in disbelief that his intellectual superiors had resorted to squabbling over effectively nothing. Doctor Arboretum straitened his collar, and held out his hand to professor Hack n’ Tack, who took it gingerly as they both muttered their apologies. Then the professor broke into fresh hysterics. “We’ve gone and done the world in and all for nothing, even my continued tea and biccy fund will be no use, if we’re all squashed between multidimensional socks.”

Moved by his colleague’s sobs, doctor Arboretum patted the professor on the back. “There there old chap, how do you know we’ll not get anything out of all this? Didn’t that fellow say he’d sent the contract in first? So doesn’t that mean it will be hidden somewhere in the equation?” Hack n’ Tack dried his eyes at this and went to stare at the black board once more. “Well there was this section I couldn’t make head nor tail of, so I just left it. But come to think of it the terms seem to be in base twenty six.” “Just like our alphabet?” Asked kooky. “I’ll get a notepad and you can read out the letters as you convert them”, suggested doctor Arboretum.

With bated breath the two academics painstakingly copied the converted text. While Kooky distractedly brewed a fresh pot of tea, and laid out the crunchiest ginger nuts he could find. Then Doctor Arboretum held up the completed sheet and read it out. “This a formal and binding contract between Geoffrey and the beings who dwell in just three dimensions. Geoffrey is to be granted exclusive rights to store his nine dimensional socks in their three dimensions available (by folding them), in exchange for the formula contained in section six of this contract. The vital term needed to activate it is x = 5.24. Said socks to be delivered after the allotted time as indicated in section five of the contract. Duly signed and dated Geoffrey the third bondsman to the socks.”

Professor Hack n’ Tack scoured the board for section five. After a minute or two he found the information, and copied it down on a scrap of paper, slapping it down on the table, he swooned with nervous exhaustion. Kooky having finished making Hack n’ Tack a fresh cup of tea, placed it down next to him. Then bent over the cup pinioned sheet; doctor Arboretum started to read the text.

“It looks like we’ve got sixty sextillion jiffies.” Perplexed Kooky exclaimed, “What’s a jiffy?” With a smug look of a fact geek, Arboretum reeled off the relevant fact. “A jiffy is the time it takes light to travel one centimeter in a vacuum.” “That doesn’t sound long”, a worried kooky replied. But the doctor held his hand up. “But we must first multiply it by sixty sextillion, which is sixty times ten followed by about twenty odd noughts. Which is”, and he tapped away on a calculator. “So how long do we have?” asked an exasperated kooky. The doctor looked up “About ten minutes.” Professor Hack n’ Tack had roused from his stupor at that very moment. And he squealed at the result, swooning once more.

“So there’s not even enough time to make a soufflé“, muttered Kooky. Meanwhile the doctor had other things on his mind than food. “Just out of scientific interest, just what are we getting for ending the world.” And he scoured the black board for section six. Studying that section of the formula he began to nod and smile. “Oh yes, I like this.” And he paced out the distance between the board and the still swooning professor Hack n’ Tack, followed by a few extra measurements down and across with his hands. Next Arboretum strode purposefully back to the black board, and jotted some figures down in blank spaces on the board. Finally Arboretum wrote in next to the term x = the number 5.24, and stretched out his arm.

Across on the other side of the room, his disembodied hand grabbed the sheet of paper that held the time left information, and he yanked it from under the cup; rousing the professor, who took a swig of his beverage in surprise. “Worm hole technology”, the doctor finished his trick with a flourish of the paper he now held in his hand, back by the black board. Too caught up in the end of the world, Hack n’ Tack responded to the display despondently. “Whoopee we can go any where in the next few minutes.” And waiting for a retort from the doctor he looked up to see Arboretum staring at the piece of paper.

Arboretum turned over the sheet to reveal a round teacup stain. And straining to see, Kooky walked over to see another term, which had been obscured by the professor’s cup. “What is it?” He asked excited. Grinning doctor Arboretum explained. “This is a term to multiply the other term by. Let’s see. Two hundred and thirty squared multiplied by C, the speed of light in a vacuum.” He got his calculator out again. “Well?” exploded Kooky.

Grinning doctor Arboretum read off the new figure, “About nine billion years.” There was a pregnant pause as this stay of doom sank in. Then the telephone rang once more. Kooky dove for the device and he was soon listening intently, while an irate voice talked at him; before he thanked the dean and put the receiver down. “That was the dean, apparently all the latest test data from the laboratories around the world had turned up blank. So we’re off the Nobel Prize list, and he’s going to cut our funding.”

But with a rye grin on his face, doctor Arboretum turned to professor Hack n’ Tack. “Where would you say the dean’s office is in relation to here?” Beaming in realization the professor reeled off the figures. Then Kooky raised his finger. “What about the nine billion years from now, when the socks come?” Hack n’ Tack beamed, “We just won’t tell them.” And he popped a ginger nut in his mouth, biting down with a satisfied crunch.