Chapter 05

Anjali

I stared at the wall blankly. I don't know for how long. Tears rolled down my eyes until they didn't. Sorrows turned into a feeling of numbness at some point. And an empty feeling took place in the heart where once was joy and happiness. A sense of loneliness. A feeling—I don't know which language has the word to express it.

But it is all I know now for the past two days. It's like my heart is aching from a cancerous disease, where I am not physically sick, but the pain is almost physical.

Is this what mumma felt like when she got to know that papa cheated on her? Is this how unbearable it felt? Was it this painful to breathe under the heavy weight of the memories made in the past?

I felt the back of my eyes burn for a time I didn't have the count anymore for. I placed a hand over my belly. It's been a few hours since I have been feeling sick. But I don't want to entertain the thought of being...pregnant. Of sharing a child with a man who—I swallowed dryly. I wasn't even strong enough to form the full sentence in my mind of how he truly is. How will I raise a child alone if I am... pregnant?

I dropped my hand on my side. The bangles clacking on the floor where I have been sitting near the foot of the bed. The bed that I shared with a man who—I felt tears forming in my eyes. How can someone lie to someone for so long? How can a person fathom keeping someone in the dark for the whole of their relationship? How can someone— A knock sounded on my door. Chote. A constant from the past two days. Then Nani will come and try to soothe me into opening the door, saying that I should eat something and care for my health. And I will remain frozen where I am now. Stuck with the betrayal of my husba—"Di, I need you to open the door. I need to speak to you now. You can go back to locking yourself after we are done." I heard Chote's voice. Determined and controlled as always. How does he do that? How does he always stay in control, no matter what he is feeling? How do I never know what is in his heart, even though I'm the closest to him?

"Di, I won't ask again." He added with the same clipped voice.

I sniffed softly before slowly standing up and wincing. My feet were numb. I don't remember for how long I have been sitting here. I don't even remember getting in the room. A room that I shared with a husband who never really dreamt of being mine.

I limped to the door with a hand on the wall while balancing myself and slowly unlocked the double door before opening it. Chote stood there with a worried and relieved-looking Akash on his side.

"Why would you lock yourself away from us, Di?" Akash asked with a hint of resignation in his voice and worry in his eyes behind his spectacles.

I didn't respond. Because, like before, I still didn't know how to express the devastation I was currently feeling. The emptiness of a gaping hole inside me somewhere no one could find. A broken heart no one could mend. So, I remained silent. Like the silence itself.

"I want you to file a few cases on Shyam on attempted bigamy and deception, along with divorce and more, when I and your lawyer find something else." Chote told me, and I looked up as my heart skipped a beat. I didn't know if it was fear or...I...I don't know. I don't know what it was, but whatever it was, it felt like something. Something I did want.

Akash spoke up a moment after him. Maybe trying to butter up the words. "Di, it's alright if you need time to—"

I interrupted in barely a whisper. "No." My voice was slightly hoarse for not speaking for sometimes. I sounded raspy. Lifeless too; maybe if I saw the pity I knew Nani and mama and mami would have in their eyes if they heard me.

"I...I will." I whispered again as I started nodding slowly as I looked back at Chote. "I will." I said again, more firmly this time with the back of my eyes burning. But not with pain and ache or the unnamed things I was feeling earlier. This was something new. Something I could name. And it was rage.