I Can't Be Back

Entry One

CATHERINE O’CONNELL

I Can’t Be Back

Ice scraped my knees, marking the snow with a thin red. I lurched forward onto my hands. They sank beneath the cold slush. Wet powder fell around me, melting as soon as it touched my burning skin. I stumbled up to my feet and held my ringing ears for a moment. I took one step, catching myself in a drift of snow. My legs buckled. Luckily, I managed to grab onto a nearby tree. Goosebumps traveled up my arms, completely covering them. Heat radiated off my body. Slowly, the snow around my feet disappeared. Steam floated off into the white capped forest. Tall, dark, pine trees surrounded me from all angles. It completely contrasted the humid, sweaty swamp I attempted to camp in. I sucked in tightly. The cold air filled my lungs. They ached for the freezing relief. Electricity burned in them. I can’t be- No, it wouldn’t have brought me here. It wasn’t- I glanced down at my watch as a strange boom went off in the distance. The center dial spun around furiously. Just remain calm… We’re cool. All cool.

Fog spilled from my mouth, obscuring my vision through the thick pine. My glasses clouded in response, distorting the unfamiliar landscape further. Two years and I’m here. The boom occurred again, this time closer and more rapid. I clenched my fists and checked the band of my watch. Sweat ran across my forehead. I tapped the class. Please, please. The leather strap, worn but fine, remained around my wrist. Despite it, a gust of wind roared in my stomach. Something dropped me in the middle of nowhere. Once again, I checked the watch. Still, the dial spun, determined not to waver from the rapid spinning. The constancy made me sick as it refused to tell me my location. It refused to offer me an option to return home.

I called for my family. My aunt’s name left my mouth first then Ali’s. I shouted for my friends knowing they wouldn’t hear me. There were miles away back in town- No, at that point, they were worlds away. I smacked my first into the ground and cried for them. Why? What the fuck is going on? Fuck!

A rush of wind above, called my attention. A large bird soared through the sea of stars. It screeched, reminding of a rather pissed off feline. I jumped back at the noise. I squinted my eyes, adjusting my glasses, only to have my jaw drop. Even so far up in the air, it appeared later than me. The more I stared, the more I realized its true nature. A tale extended from its black, whipping along with the wind, stabbing the air with veracity. As the red moonlight washed over the creature, its feathers turned to dark jagged gray scales. Horns dotted each limb creating a spiny silhouette. Four legs extended from its torso with each having their own large foot capable of stomping out any problems or tearing them apart. Leather wings, so thin I could see the glittering lights, flapped creating booms of thunder. A dragon… It brought me here? Of all places! Why? It knows… It should have know. This is a dream! It has to be a dream! The creature soared over me. A long dark shadow cast down my face. Just as quickly, it disappeared in the night letting out another shriek.

I inhaled again. I took it in as deep as I could. If I stay cold enough, nothing will happen. I won’t let it happen again. A smile, not happy but one born of lack of danger, formed as the goosebumps hardened and prickled further across my body. The three moons sent their calming energy down upon me. I clasped my hands together, watching them at their full, bright peak. The smallest laid on the left side of his big sister, Kuu. His name, Pikkuveli, was very fitting if you knew the language. He was the little brother of the giant red orb in the center and the purple orb, Sisko, on the right. The largest moon, however, dominated and sent waves of red across the trees. The stars paled in comparison to them, except one. Blizzard was Icerion’s first son, a poor child that died so she threw him up in the stars to be beside his cousins. They provided some comfort to me. You may not be Earth’s space but you are mine. Wind whistled, picking up the bottom of my flannel. Cold flecks brushed against my cheeks in a flurry of white. I held my hands up. A lone wolf howled close enough for comfort. I choked down more air hoping his wildness wouldn’t infect me.

Alone. I was utterly alone and lost in my own mind. I was alone in my dream, or so I hoped. My eyes fluttered shut at the sound of nature. The sounds of my dream. It has to be. It would never take me here. I made sure it would never happen again… Right? The sounds- They were so much more magical and ever more detailed than the world I lived in. Every time I opened my eyes, I begged to go back. Except, the nightmares warned me off. They ran rampant after Lockburn. Some were the effect of what happened if I ever returned but most were the incident. I still felt the heat. But the dreams, the dreams of that blue eyed raven wanted me in the forest at night. She wanted me alone. Even those times, I could make the choice by forcing my eyes open and fighting off the cold sweat as it cooled my heated body. I hadn’t chosen to find myself in this winter world. I actively fought it. Relax, this forest is no different than it was years ago. You know what to do. I imagined all the creatures that made their home within the trees. Their different smells filled my nostrils. My lonely world became a city of white-furred hares, a wolf, sleeping bears, and a large moose. I twitched my ears as their hearts penetrated my mind.

An owl cried out. In the north, five feet was rather small for them while others, they towered at ten. Some were pure white to hide in the drifts and others remained jet black with white dots to hide among the sky. Some were kind and most carried off your childhood pets. As a self proclaimed animal lover, the pet part was sad, is sad, but many parents preferred them over their children. When I was young, my aunt had brought me to a small marketplace. Some hunters brought back a giant owl. It was larger than her boyfriend, Ali, by three feet. Claws like jaggers extended towards me. Black covered it completely except for his eyes. They were two different colors and still so full of life, like in an instant, he would grab my shoulders and carry me off. The hunters told us a story of how it ripped the neck out of a little girl. Her father chased it into the woods only to have his eyes scratched out. I never went into the woods alone after that until I was well over six foot myself.

The wind slowed. Heartbeats turned silent. The cry echoed but this time was further away leaving me with nothing but deafening silence. My eyes shot open. A low gaze fell upon me. I hadn’t heard him approach. How- A dream. Only a dream would do that. The large-bodied wolf stared at me. His head reached the center of my stomach. Slick, jet black fur coated him like oil. He moved around me slowly. Shadows created by the moon allowed him to disappear and reappear in seconds in the red moonlight. His large paws made quiet crunches as he stalked. His heavy breath sent a cloud of vapor into the air. His pink tongue remained hidden behind two rows of sharp yellow stained canines. Eventually, he sat down on his haunches. Finally, I looked him in the eyes. He searched my soul for something. He tried to read them the way a witch would explore someone’s insides. I picked his apart in return. He sported two mismatched purple eyes. One of them was light like the clouds with a yellow ring around his dark pupil. The other was chaotic, with his pupil acting like purple lightning among a storm.

“You do not reside here…” He pushed his ears back for a moment. No shit. He sniffed me and quickly, they turned upwards. I swore he smiled. A red stained grin. “You are from a Fringe town.” I twitched. His mouth didn’t open when he spoke. Instead, his words seemed to echo throughout my mind.

“You can talk?” I stuttered, barely able to catch my breath. It was more out of shock rather than searching for a true answer. I had yet to hear any animal speak… I hadn’t met another one before, well besides… It didn’t matter. “That’s awesome!” I gripped the sides of my face. “Oh shit- This is just another sign this is a dream! It had to be… Most of us- Well, we’re gone.”

“This is not a dream, Kalpea. Though,” he looked me up and down, “I expect someone in your shoes should be a little dazed. If not, I would be concerned for your mental wellbeing.”

“You should be.” I shrugged. “Wait- Kalpea!” I furrowed my brow. Never in my dreams had I fully transformed, no matter how realistic they were. One hand shot up to my right ear. I ran my fingertips along the edge. Instead of the normal round curve Earth demanded, it turned into a long, sharp outward point that matched my usual Old World Aesthetic. I felt the other and the outcome repeated itself. “No- I can’t be here because if I’m here then my watch betrayed me. Or- It has to work. It should’ve worked!”

“It is real. You fell through a Portal, or a Rift more likely, and ended up here. Watch or not. Did your parents teach you nothing about Tenebris?”

“Yes- but my watch-”

“Is not reliable. Your watch is just a placeholder for magic. Did she not teach you that? She chose to leave and live in a Fringe town and did not even teach you. She should have done at least that.” He growled at the air. “Though, I supposed she doubted you would ever end up here.” He shook the snow off his back.

“She?”

“Your mother,” He shot out. “I assume.”

“This is insane. You know that right?” It should have erased it… Not this.

“I recognize this is less than ideal. I will help as best as I can. My name is-” He stopped for a moment, lost in his thoughts. “Shadow. My name is Shadow and you, Little One?”

“Catherine O’Connell but Carter’s the preferred nickname. I think we all agreed Catherine was a bit too formal for what I bring to the table.”

“That is a lovely name.”

He guided me through the world. I made an effort to step in his prints, as large as they were, it remained rather difficult. I wasn’t exactly dressed for the occasion. My tennis shoes had already soaked through. My legs had turned red. They were practically numb, though I wasn’t necessarily upset. Cold was better than hot. If I got too hot… I shook my head. I stopped it, right?

“BURN THE WITCH!” I jerked my head to the side.

“You’re gonna need to give me a real quick rundown on when witch hunts became a thing again?”

“Little One, you have arrived at a bad time. There is a darkness we have allowed to grow and now she is sweeping up from the south.”

“Care to ela-” A scream cut me off. The blood froze in my burning veins

I slid over an ice coated log and bounded awkwardly through the snow. Shadow pounced across the small banks beside me with ease. The foliage had become so packed with snow that branches bent down just barely hovering above my head, threatening to drown me beneath the powder. A couple of feet away, a branch snapped, exploding the snow. Closer and closer the shouts became as loud as the crashing snow. We approached the mad men, the trees remained thick. I stopped my feet but continued to slide across the slick crust. Quickly, I grabbed onto a tree, narrowly avoiding falling onto the road.

I slipped behind a tree. Cautiously, I poked my head out from the thick bark. Torches moved forward, quickly descending into the darkness, lighting the narrow, dirty, slushy path. The dark forest on the other side hungrily ate up the light. A wave of heavy flakes crashed onto them, attempting to snuff out the fire.

“I will burn you!” A woman screamed. Two men dragged her along. With each step, she fought and tried to pull away. “Let me go you fucking idiots! Do you not know who I am?!”

The mob's details became so clear. I could feel the tension as I disappeared from tree to tree. Anxiety and pressure all weighed on their minds. One wrong move and someone would snap, either at each other or the woman in the middle of it all. They weren’t friends but appeared to band together out of fear. It seemed eerily similar. I sniffed the air. At the drop of a match, it would all explode. Last time I checked, witches were revered…

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

Torches lit up their faces. Drunk men and a couple of tipsy, poorly dressed women marched, or stumbled along. Pitchforks were raised up and down as they shouted along with one another. Their leader wore a white apron around his rather large waist… That indicated a nice lifelong enjoyment of booze. A red-haired woman who shared some similarities with him, waved her butcher’s knife. Behind them, four men marched in a broken pattern with a pale scraggly haired Kalpea dancing around them. The outside two were identical twins with thin wispy white hair and small ears showing some Kapinar parentage. The inside two were both muscular, one large and one short. The large one had a forked red beard with a thick mustache. The short one had been cleanly shaven with long, flowing blond hair. He had a rather handsome face. If he weren’t an arsonist, I could see some of my straight friends being interested. Honestly, knowing some of the books they read, they’d still be interested. In between those two, the woman fought hard.

I squinted trying to make her features out. I could only spot short raven hair which reminded me of the dark sky- No the ocean- No… I shook my head. It didn’t matter… It was gorgeous. The flakes fell upon her head like stars. She cast her gaze down, throwing away any chance for me to gaze upon her beauty. Behind the witch, stood a man and woman drunkenly shouting. The dark fuzzy haired man lifted the pale Kalpea woman, screaming about the revenge they were about to have.

“What the hell is going on here?” I looked over at Shadow. “There are eight of them and two of us… I mean three if you count the witch.” He cocked his head with a brow raised.

“Or fiend… She is a witch. They make us, Little One. They are forced to do their bidding and their pets. Children fall to their twisted games. Others are pulled into alleys and taken with force. Sometimes, the ones we trust are the ones that infect us. What if she did that? That could be the reason she is getting burned. Who knows? She could have sacrificed someone for a blood ritual or is half down the road to turning into a Stalker. They can’t be trusted. There’s a reason rogues from Bloodstone are executed.”

“Or she could be a good person. Isn’t it better to save a bad person than let someone good get killed?” He sighed and yipped in a tone that sounded like agreement. “Look, whatever happened between you and someone like her, I’m sorry. You don’t have to help but I’m gonna try and stop this, yeah?” I took a deep breath.

“Tonight ‘ell burn ya to da Elven Gods, to Icerion and her sons, and whatever the fuck you Southerners believe in!” Norkden… Lochburn could be near.

“The Despair, Lust, and-” A slap silenced the woman. “You bastard! You dare strike me! I will crush you into oblivion!”

Wind carried their scent down to us. I gagged, picking up notes I hadn’t before. Vomit, sweat, alcohol, and blood mixed together. I couldn’t be too surprised. Running water was more of a Southerner thing. I just hoped there was a lake nearby.

“What to do, Shadow?” He bared his teeth. I stared back blankly. “You think I can kill them?” I swore never to kill again. “I am barely twenty! I seriously doubt my very sparse gym time will help us!”

“I have seen your arms… You're a bowsman without a bow.”

“Exactly… I have nothing but my backpack. No bow in sight.” Not that I can’t be deadly without it.

“I swear it on your Gods, Goddesses, and my own Lords!” The witch shouted. “I did not do anything to her. I can pay you. I have so many Fyles. You will drown in them!”

“Shut up, bitch!” A man screamed

“Wait- I think I have an idea.”

Now, the saying ‘I have an idea’ can either be a hilarious sentence or an amazing one. The results may vary and mostly depend on the context, right? A jester saying I have an idea would be hilarious with hilarious or surprising results. The hero saying I have an idea can send chills through someone as well as the result. The villain saying I have an idea can be completely and utterly terrifying. The result can be death for the good guys or it means they fail like most stories but those stories are boring. I had hoped that my saying would inspire a sense of hope that we might win and save the witch but I have a feeling it only made me look like an idiot. I was never coordinated and I needed time to think. I got through high school because I was good at memorizing random facts and decent at writing. Math was fucking rough though and don’t get me started on common sense. So, saying I had an idea was a mixed result.

I let the cold coat my lungs. Stay cool. Stay cold. My stomach squirreled around, wrestling with the poor plan. I took a slow step out. The snow reached up to my ankles. It continued to rise with each movement. Without the trees to calm its anger, the wind slapped my dark hair back. I felt the bitter pain blister across my face but forced a smile. I hoped it wouldn’t get frozen in place, at least not permanently. There were too many horror stories my mom had told me when I was young. The mob stopped at my reveal. Some spilled out swears and a few slurs. I raised my hands. Shadow skulked along the tree line.

“Wha’ do ya want, girl?” The barkeep shouted. I cocked my head. My brows furrowed at each of them.

“Hello, kind, dear individuals.” Bravado, mildly annoying of course, spilled from my mouth. “My name is Catherine.” I cringed at myself. This time I took a breath of confidence. Our eyes met. A silent exchange of words occurred. Her dark ocean orbs hid back tears. They became light, as the clouds parted within them. “My grandfather lives nearby.” It wasn’t a lie but he didn’t know me. I didn’t know him. The Culling left many babies displaced. “He can pay you for bringing me back.” My nose flared. I forced a laugh.

“She looks like a Fringe!” I shot a look at the screaming redhead. I guess the entire outfit gave it away, eh? “Just look at her! She looks just like that old Kalpea over the hill I bet that’s the man!” I mean… Yeah. Shadow smoothly stepped across the snow, hidden from the rest.

“I’m lost and you are severely correct.” I grinned. “Can you please help me get back to him? He’ll pay you when he sees me. All the Fyles you want.” The man with a forked beard stepped forward.

“I think we can help the young one. How old are ya, girl?” I don’t like this question. His voice was so sickly sweet it reminded me of a girl I’d rather forget. He took another step closer. I gulped, trying not to breathe him in. Heat splintered in my limbs. I took a step back. He moved forward.

“Twenty.” Fuck. I should have lied.

“What day?” I kept my mouth closed. “What. Day. Girl.”

“The 28th of Ilo.” I froze too long to lie. Fire spread across my face. Please, be bad at math. Why didn’t I lie?

“The Betrayal! It’s an omen!” The barkeep shouted. His daughter nodded furiously. “We all know the reason they killed those babes.”

“Thank my aunt-mother-person. Wonderful woman, you guys should meet sometime.”

“Not all omens are bad.” Forked Beard took another look at me. “Your name is Catherine, right?” I nodded. “I am Cobalt Winterspear.” The mead from his breath was as strong as the blood on his hands. “I can help you get home, you can come back with me. I gotta nice house, eh?” I have my keys on the belt loop of my shorts. I’m clearly a lesbian. He wrapped his arm around my waist, reaching towards my ass. I tried to take another step back only to be pulled closer to him. “I bet my bed’s better than the one you have at your grandfather’s house. They say the Fringed have to sleep on the stone when they visit.” I winced, wanting to slap him. Do not touch me.

“Eh! You gonna take a Fringe!” The barkeep roared.

“I think you better shut up, Walter!” His arms crushed me. I heard Shadow practically roar. Their heads snapped. “Is that a wolf?”

“You- You heard about that Fringe girl with different colored eyes?” The redhead muttered. “She butchered the soldiers in Lochburn… They say only a wolf could have done it.” Cobalt looked down at me. My skin lit ablaze. Water coated my eyes. My heart pounded, nearly breaking out of me. I whimpered trying to pull away. He tightened. Pain traveled around my waist. Do not cry. You can’t cry in front of someone like him. Shadow growled louder. Shouts filled the air alongside torches. The match dropped.

“Call him off, Cat.” His voice was greasy, loud, and violent. Tears began to stream down my face. “Tell the world to go!” He grabbed my shoulders and started to shake me. “Stop crying!” The mob shouted louder, surrounding me. I tried to stop the tears but I couldn’t. Stupid, just breathe. His grip burned into my skin. My breath became short. My vision blurred. My head became almost weightless. “Call him off!” A loud howl made everything go silent except for my whimpering. Focus! Focus, Carter! You can do this! My hands started to shake. The process began to spread up my arms. Sweat dripped from my arms. No, I can’t- Not again. “Cat!” That is not my name!

Shadow stepped forward. Snow drifted onto his dark fur. A true menace. He snapped his jaws, barking his sharp teeth. Steam flew from his mouth. His mismatched eyes turned several shades darker. The mohawk along his back raised. The short, handsome Kapina took a step back. He released the witch. She stumped into the snow. Shadow leaped forward and stomped his front foot. A stream of urine ran through his pants, melting the snow. He bolted away. Shadow didn’t chase but instead snapped at Cobalt who still held onto me tightly. His hand gripped my wrists. I could feel the bruises begin to form as his hot, foul breath formed droplets on my glasses. I nearly committed right there.

“Tell him to go, Cat! I’ll let you go home! I will! I promise!”

“Let her go!” His face contorted.

“She’s a demon!”

“I am a witch! There is a difference!” She climbed to her feet. Static buzzed in the air.

“She killed my wife!” A twin shouted.

“Beater. Beater. Fuck you!" She fell to the ground as his fist met her face.

“You killed her.”

“Bastard!” The witch clawed at his legs. “Lying, waste!” The others shouted at one another. Some pointed their fingers at the twin. A few fingers turned on me and some were directed at the witch. Shadow snapped again but the mob was too caught up in their accusations against one another.

“Burn ‘em both!” The redhead shouted. Spit landed on my face.

“Fuck. You.” I spat back. “Leace us be and fuck yourself you cunt-”

Cobalt wrapped his hand around my throat. My mind flashed. I gasped for air, as he lifted me off my feet. No, not again! I jerked around and tried to kick my captor. Shadow lunged at him. Blood splattered onto the snow. A beautiful painting . I fell backwards, knocking my head on a chunk of ice. I yelped. My vision twisted. My glasses flew off somewhere to the side. I tried to raise my head only to fall back down in defeat. It was too heavy to move. It ached with every second. Screams filled the air and by then I had managed to roll over. I witnessed Shadow ripping into Cobalt’s face. His arms twitched lifelessly. The wolf finished and lifted his head. He turned towards the others. Their pitchforks raised at him. I let my head fall down once more. Cries of pain and the smell of burning flesh flooded into my nose. My heart pounded inside. I tried to use my feet. I dug into the snow with the tips of my shoes and failed. The only thing I managed to do was vomit to the side.

Pure carnage and screaming raged around, I pushed myself up. Using all my strength, I managed to make it. A groan left my mouth. A force struck my stomach, toppling me over. A twin towered over me. His boot pressed into my chest. I scratched at it. He just laughed as I burned from the inside out. Compared to him, I was a tiny flea. My bites, not even making a mark on the leather. I coughed out when the pressure on top of me disappeared. It was replaced with a different kind of weight soon enough. He fell onto me. He formed fists. I stared. He struck my face. I screamed. I choked up the iron liquid. Hot. Slow. It burned down my mouth. I spat at him. He screamed, punching me again. I lifted my leg upward and struck his balls. He cried out, rolling over.

With my new found freedom, I jumped to my feet. Well, it was more of a stumble. I committed again. My entire dinner ended up across the snow. I slipped back onto my knees. A can slipped out of my backpack as I slumped forward. I gripped the white aluminum. It was heavy in my hand.

“I’m going to kill you!”

I looked back just enough to see him. He crawled like a spider towards me. Just as he was about to pounce, I smacked his temple. The Monster dented, then exploded. I quickly dropped it. The drink landed beside him. His eyes stared at it. They were unmoving, empty. Blood spilled from his forehead. Motionless, he laid. Oh, God. Oh- Oh no. Not again… No… No.

“We are safe… For now,” The witch stated. She walked over. My vision remained shaky, unfocused, along with the rest of my body. It ached all over. I hugged myself. I started to rock. “It is okay.” How the fuck is it okay? I lurched forward and threw up even more. I butchered him like I butchered the others. I’m a monster! “Catherine? I know this is not an ideal situation but they would have killed us both.” Her hands scooped up the contents of my hair and held it back. Her cold skin sent a pleasant shiver down my spine. “This is not the time to panic.” She choked down her own words. “What can I do?”

My back snapped. Heat. Pure heat. I became a living furnace. I tore away from her and stripped my top. Sweat pooled down my face and soaked my black sports bra. The wind couldn’t even cool me off. I forced my shorts down leaving my matching boxers exposed. The heat turned into a violent storm of boiling blood and angry cells.

“It-” I coughed up red liquid- “It hurts!”

“Oh- Oh Gods! You- You are a Shifter!” She grabbed my shoulders.

“No shit, Princess!” Canines pushed out of my gums. Blood poured from the sockets in my mouth. My former teeth fell before my feet. A deafening silence filled my ears. My broken hands gripped the sides of my face. All of my bones shifted and reshaped me. I could feel my skin stretch so far it split. Blood spilled out form the openings. My heart sped up. I couldn’t catch my breath. It was worse than any panic attack I had ever had. I fell to my hands and knees. My legs cracked. Burning heat, worse than any blistering fever, attacked my senses.

“Just let it happen.”

“Believe me- I- I- I know…”

“Let it wash over you.” The woman gripped my face. I stared into her dark blue eyes. A calming sensation washed over me. I felt like I had just been wrapped up in a cool weighted blanket. “It will be okay. I will make sure of it, darling.” Her voice sounded magical, like it was laced with something beautiful. She continued to speak. My eyes became heavy and my entire body became numb. It became cold for the first time in forever.