Things Lost and Found

Entry Thirteen

FRINGER

Uncovering the Past and Things Lost

He was just a little kid. My brother was, I mean. Sorry, sometimes I forget you guys don’t know everything. It’s hard, you know? He was going to turn Fourteen in September and there I was. I didn’t even know what day it was let alone the month. I didn’t- I don’t like to think about it. Does he hate me for it? Does he even know? Does she know? My mother was from here- My aunt. They all were but we agreed not to come back… After- After well what happened. She was captured but she managed to escape… I- I stayed longer but I came back different they said. They didn’t know. He didn’t know.

I remember my freshman year of college. I was sitting in the dining hall when I saw someone who looked kinda like him. It was the way he walked and his shaggy hair. He watched videos while he ate. Honestly, I came off really creepy. I know that any random person could have those attributes. They just seemed so similar. I started to get so teary eyed I couldn’t even finish my thrown together sandwich. I just barely choked my emotions back. I quickly threw my food and ran back to my tiny dorm. Thankfully, my roommate wasn’t home at the time.

My bed was just so warm. The blankets wrapped around me so tightly like a cocoon. My heated blanket toasted my bones adding to the weight. I hugged onto my squishmallow and balled. Every step on that campus was riddled with anxiety. I could not fucking eat. Or I over ate until I threw up. I wanted to vomit before every class. I was shitting my guts out constantly. I dissociated most of my days away. I just wanted someone. I couldn’t just reach out. I felt myself go silent every time someone asked how I was doing. I was fine. I was always fucking fine but I wasn’t fucking fine. I just wanted to watch movies with my brother. I wanted to tease him. I wanted to steal his controller and make him so annoyed he’d throw a pillow my way.

My phone buzzed. I felt my heart drop. Shakes started to travel up my limbs. I cried louder. I grabbed at my chest trying to calm down. I hoped it was a parent, a friend, honestly anyone. Maybe they’re coming to visit. Those days always made everything seem okay. I pressed the power button. I shook harder once I saw her name. I threw my phone. But she was dead. I grabbed it back. It wasn’t her… It wasn’t her… It was a different notification. I left her in the Old World. I cried harder until I gagged. I tried to pull myself together. I tried to be quick. I needed to fix the problem.

Her grip around my throat was incessant. I felt my knees buckle at every word. I scrubbed the cabin from top to bottom. She still tossed me aside. Like a scared dog, I cowered in the corner. Tears broke down my cheek. I tugged at the collar along my throat.

“I’m sorry! I was just getting comfy.”

“You’re always on your ass when I get back.”

“I just finished doing the cabinets.”

“Whatever. If you don’t wanna be with me just say it. I don’t wanna be with you. It’s not a problem for me.”

“No! I was just about to ask to hang out!”

“Sure… Whatever, I’m busy”

Before college… Before the incident, I still had my moments of sadness. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t my major’s fault. It just happened. I could have months of happiness and months where I didn’t feel comfortable being me. I loved my parents. I loved my brother. They did their best. I had friends but I just felt so out of control. So lost. There were nights where I played video games until the sun rose. I puffed on my pen until the world slipped away. After I came home, I knew I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t handle it, so I snapped. Monster of Lochburn.

It was my fault she got captured. It was my fault for getting attacked. She slashed me because I did something wrong. She forced me- No, I let it happen. It wasn’t your fault. My head remained a warzone.

“Darling.” Morgan kissed my forehead. I shuddered nearly jerking away but relaxed once I saw those blue eyes, they looked like a watercolor painting. “Are you okay?” She leaned over me.

“What if I’m not good enough?” I choked out. “I mean- No- I-” Tears welled up in my eyes. “What if- What if he hates me?!”

“Ears,” She spoke softly. The softest I had ever heard from her. Her hand stroked my wild hair slowly lighting my body ablaze. I leaned into her touch feeling my insides buzz. “You are more than good enough. You are amazing, kind, and absolutely hilarious.” She thinks I’m funny! She brought her lips against mine. My heart tugged as she pulled away all too fast. “You are also a pretty good kisser… He may not be your relative but if he is I am more than sure he is going to love you.”

“Thank you.” I blushed and scratched the back of my head. “You’re not such a bad kisser yourself. A little rough around the edges but pleasant.” She scoffed with a smirk. “You know, I’ve been thinking.”

“ Really ?”

“I know-” I snickered- “Shocking! Just- So, I know I was adopted. It was never really a secret or anything. My mom’s boyfriend, my dad’s, got pretty firm roots back in the New World but his great grandparents are from here. My aunt- She came here when she adopted me because of The Culling. The Upea tried to slay all of the Kalpea and then the Empire tried to slay all of the babies born on that day… What if the reason I’ve never met him is because he was one of the ones that wanted me dead? I was adopted because of it. I don’t know if you know much about it.”

“I am afraid I do not. The Culling was glorified in Sorrow.” She ducked her gaze. “I never! I just know many thought the deaths were good.”

“The Upea love the South, Morgan. It’s not because they love the Empire, it’s because the Kalpea prevented them from siding with Kapina. They murdered us and cozied up with your grandfather. If they can’t destroy you, why not wine and dine you… Then, your grandfather liked it. He deemed children like me to die in order to remind Elves not to mess with him. I blame him, many Kalpea blame the Kapina, and the Kapina blame Norkden for not protecting us. It’s all fucked really. So, what if he was an Elf who believed in The Culling.”

“That is a valid fear.” She ran her finger along my ear. “As for my grandfather, I cannot condone his actions.” Her face fell. “Sending innocents to death is not right. Your grandfather however is different. I do imagine that if he is sympathetic towards the Larken and war victims you may think otherwise…”

“Hmm…” I thought about it for a moment. “I suppose you're right. There’s a first time for everything.”

“I am right all the time!”

“Sure!” I stretched out across the bed. Though the s came out in a repeated form.

“Now, darling, if you are ever at a loss for words just look for me.”

Despite having the skill most of my life, it wasn’t practiced very often. Having a stutter wasn’t the most detrimental thing in the entire world. It didn’t even come close. It just kinda sucked. It was something I couldn’t exactly hide after the incident. No one ever made fun of me for it… Well, sometimes my friends would joke around about it but it was all in good fun. My ex used to say that stutters annoyed her, all except for mine. The words felt double edged. It was a jab with a thin cover of a compliment. Ironic because she gave it to me. Trying to talk and the words getting caught was awful. I was sent on repeat sometimes. I felt like a skipped record or some glitched character.

“Morgan?” I sang her name in a rather off-pitched attempt at a melody. I threw the blanket on her lap. She smiled at me, just inches away from my face. “What if-”

“Ears, everything’s going to be fine.” Her arms squeezed around my neck. I hugged her at the waist, wrapping her up like a burrito on top of me. “Stop thinking of implausible scenarios.”

“What if I accidentally burn down his house?”

“I do not believe that is possible.”

This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

“What if?” I wiggled my brow.

“What if I got us breakfast and coffee?”

“Ugh, fine… Please.” I groaned dramatically.

“Oh, my Gods. Despair must leave your head before I force him out.”

I shoveled forkfuls of fried potatoes into my mouth. I panic ate nearly an entire pig’s worth of bacon all while pounding three mugs of creamy, sugary coffee. Morgan, to my right, politely ate some scrambled eggs with mushrooms and red peppers. She sipped from her steaming mug of black coffee after every few bites. My stomach growled for even more. Morgan stood to fill both of our plates but I beat her to the punch. I placed a fresh plate of peppered eggs in front of her and topped off her coffee. This time a little pie sat next to my savory food. It’s a little baby. I scooped it up with my hands and showed it to the Princess.

“Look at it!”

“It looks rather delicious.”

“It is absolutely adorable!” My eyes widened then I looked up at Morgan.

“Can food be adorable?”

“Yes, Morgan!” Ashlyn shouted. “Look at it! It’s TINY!”

“I guess it is precious.” She took a long sip from her mug.

The cabin looked like something from my dream board. Dark logs stacked on top of each other. Together they formed his two story home. A dark, glossy door sat at the center of the porch just waiting to be knocked. I’ll never have the fucking balls, or boobs I should say. Black stained windows prevented me from snooping into his life and being an anti-social maniac. A wooden bird hung from the green roof. A stone pathway led up to freshly shoveled steps. A tiny porch jutted out from the second floor window. A chair sat on it allowing the owner to stare at his large expanse of land. Trees filled with dark red, crisp apples surrounded us. Bushes of blue, icy berries grew in a large field.

I picked at my fingers until my nerves burned. I winced out and jerked my hand away from its sister. Blood traveled against the dry, flakey imprints, staining my skin. It dribbled down my cuticles. High pitched pain came in short frequent waves like a heavy heartbeat. My other hand apparently had a mind of its own because once again it let the other one pick at its nail. I swear it wasn’t me. It was like an evil twin in the back of my mind. Morgan held both of them down and sent me a look. Kinda- Definitely hot. Her hair had grown a little longer. It made me giggle. Her neat cut at the beginning of our adventure seemed so proper. She tried to tuck the awkward length strand away.

“I need a haircut.”

“Don’t we all, Princess… But I don’t know, yours is kinda cute.” I awkwardly attempted to run my hand through my incredibly messy hair only to remember it was currently jailed. “You know I used to straighten my hair every day but then I went to college. A friend- An old friend convinced me to wear it normally.”

“I like it wild…” Her eyes turned dark. She released my hand and ran her fingers through my dark curls. “I can’t handle it like this anymore. Normally, I trim it every month.” She huffed out. “At least if it were longer, I could do something with it!”

“Have you had it longer?”

“Yes, when I was younger. I would definitely do that again and you definitely need to stop stalling, Ears.”

“I’m no-”

“Carter!” Ashlyn groaned.

“Fine…” I pulled out my red Penjamin or as I called Pennifer Coolidge and Ashlyn sent me a look.

Words constantly get caught in my throat. It’s a problem I‘ve always had. I often associate it with my anxiety. I refuse to do things because they make my heart explode and my stomach twist. Sometimes I’ll get so anxious I’ll throw up or shit my pants which is a lovely thought. I need a good ten to twenty business days to really stop being anxious about something. I literally just couldn’t knock on the door. I could feel my intestines inflamed. I swear to god an hour passed before anything actually happened. My sweaty knuckles rapped against the wood. I counted the time that passed. One. Two. Three. Fou-

The door swung open. An older looking man appeared. Salt peppered throughout his dark shaggy hair. A pair of sharp ears poked outward. Dark circles wrapped around his pine eyes. A dark scraggly beard cascaded from his chin. He looked down at me. A pair of bushy eyebrows flexed curiously. His arms crossed causing his red cloth shirt to tighten around his big arms. The father from before poked his head over. A wide smile formed.

“Eamon! This is one of the women who saved us!”

“Umm- y-y-yes,” The man stuttered out. “You look a little young to be saving lives but I guess they’re recruiting kids in Winter-Star, aren’t they?”

“Umm, yeah!” I squeaked out. “So, thanks for letting them uhh stay here!”

“Of course!” He clapped his hands. “It’s bullshit the Larken were ever tossed out anyway.” Both of us stared awkwardly down at the ground. “So… What’s your name again?”

“Carter O’Connell!”

“O’Connell!”

“Yep!”

“Oh my Gods,” Morgan muttered. “If they are not related, I have no idea what is true.”

“It’s cute in an awkward way,” Ashlyn added. “Ugh… So cringe.”

“You got this, Ears,” The Princess reassured.

Eamon invited me into his cabin. A small painting hung above his fireplace. It forced my immediate attention. I twitched. A man- he shared the dark circles that wrapped around Eamon’s. His face was sharp and pointed. Wild graying black hair curled around his ears. Green eyes stared down at me. Beside him, a woman sat with her hands folded. Purple eyes followed me around. On her other side was a woman nearly identical to the man. A goofy grin crossed her face. The older man pulled up beside me. I turned my head slightly and caught his eyes. We both turned in the opposite direction.

“Is… Is that your son?”

“And his wife and my daughter… They passed. My son was James, my daughter-in-law Margret, and my daughter Freya.” Shadow whined and rubbed against my leg. “I didn’t believe either of them. I should have. James had been wanting children for so long it seemed like a dream and then Freya… She was always sweet on that boy. Luckily, he was good at something, at least he managed to save the baby.”

“I’m sorry…” I fiddled with my fingers.

“Don’t be. It is no one’s fault but his and more importantly you came back.” He smiled down at me. “Why are you here though?” Concern crossed his face. “You’re safer in the Fringe with her.”

“Purely by accident!” I threw my hands up. “It’s been a kinda cool accident though!” A smile quickly took any concern I had away. “I’m kinda invested in the fate of the Empire now!” I glanced over at Morgan. “We got the future Empress, right Princess.”

“So it seems.” Morgan smirked and crossed her arms. “I could not have picked a better travel companion than Ears. She has saved my life on more than one occasion.”

“You guys are also fucking but whatever,” Zahyn said with a shrug.

“A Virtanen!” Eamon nearly shouted. “Morgan Virtanen at that.”

“Ope.”

“If you-” He stormed straight up to Morgan. He pointed his finger right center at her face and gritted his teeth- “If you harm one hair on my granddaughter’s head, I will personally drag you to your father! No- I will drag you to the Kapinar!” Her face turned a dark shade of red. A gulp, a rare noise, came from her. “I will make sure you get Exiled. That is a fucking promise, Empress .”

“Crystal clear… Crystal fucking clear, Mr. O’Connell!” She walked away.

“She’s fine!” I groaned. “She’s like five foot nothing!”

“I am five nine-

“Seven,” I corrected.

“You are just six foot million!”

He squeezed me tight. The smell of pine and fire wrapped around me. Physical contact made me physically ill but I wanted to stay in that cabin forever. I found someone. A family member in this dream. My heart soared from him but others made it rise much higher. Once we released one another. I slipped my arm around Morgan’s waist. I smiled at her. I turned to Ashlyn with the same look. Shadow’s fur crushed beneath my fingers. The bard and the bodyguard stood side by side. Zahyn told a far too loud soldier and Vincent tapped his foot impatiently. My new friend, the Prince, watched my exchange with my grandfather. He shifted uncomfortably. I gave him a nod and he returned it with a smile.

“If you ever need anything, my door is open. This is your home for Icerion’s sake!” He let out a strained laugh. “Your mother- She would have thought you were beautiful… I hope your father- wherever- whoever he is knows you are going to do great things.”

“He knows, I am sure.”

Clumps of heavy snow fell on us as we rode down the quickly disappearing trail. Morgan rode Vala behind me. She and Vincent were holding a hushed conversation. Zahyn, alongside me, hugged Freddy’s waist complaining about why we had not gotten him a horse yet. Shadow led the group, keeping his nose to the ground to keep us on track. Ashlyn hugged her horse while trying to stay interested in me rambling on about some video game.

“Are they fun?” Freddy asked. “Video games, that is.”

“Extremely.”

“May I perhaps play one with you?” His flopped hair flew in front of his eyes. They were green like the trees. “My older brother once visited the New World. He described them to me. I was not allowed to go but if I was, I feel like I would have been amazing!”

“Of course! I have some on my laptop you can check out!”

We stayed up until the sun. Resident Evil: Biohazard was probably the most chaotic game I had ever played. It was simply because all of us were absolutely terrified of doing anything and screamed the entire time. Morgan passed out in my sleeping bag sometime before we entered the basement. Zahyn tried to show Vincent how to play but he just grunted in response. More than every now and then we would scream. It always earned a shocked curse from the bard. He seemed rather jumpy. By the grace of Icerion or in her case the Sorrow Gods, Morgan slept through it all. She even slept through me munching on some walnuts. I could be dying and she would sleep through it.

Cold pressed against my throat. I refrained from jolting forward. My eyes shot open and I was met with a masked knight. Gray cloth covered their face. A helmet made of black steel hid any features. The rest of their body was hidden by the same material. Their only defining feature was a long furred tail. It extended from their back and twitched. I glanced over at Morgan. A second blade pressed against her throat. Her eyes narrowed at our captor.

“She has nothing to do with this.” Her brow furrowed. Anger roared in her chest. The masked knight cocked their head. Their knife twisted against my skin. Morgan’s hand gripped their wrist. The second blade pressed harder against her in response.

“Don’t,” I growled

“Ears, be quiet.” It was not a request. It was a command. Her grip remained tight on the dagger. “You want me. Not her. She is just some Fringer.”

I remember their voice. Their face would not be revealed for years. But their voice remained. It haunted me. Us. It was like cold gravel. I could practically see the mist float from their mouth with each word.

“Exilement comes for you.”