Between Guilt and Desire

Orion

The memory hit me like a punch to the gut—Ava’s face, the look in her eyes when she walked in and saw me with Chloe in bed. I can still see it now, as if it happened a second ago. Her expression, that raw shock mixed with a kind of hurt I never wanted to see in her eyes, sliced through me in ways I didn’t expect.

I shouldn’t feel guilty. I didn’t do anything wrong, not really. Yeah, I was with Chloe, but nothing happened. We didn’t even sleep together. But the moment she saw us, a part of me wanted to disappear. To just vanish. And that feeling, the guilt, it twisted my heart for reasons I couldn’t explain.

The truth was, I wanted to fuck Chloe. I wanted to drown myself in her, to forget about last night. To erase everything. I thought if I just let go, if I gave in to the temptation, maybe I could forget how it felt when I had Ava in my arms.

But as soon as we were both naked, my body wouldn’t cooperate. I couldn’t do it. It was like my body was rebelling against me, and I hated myself even more for it. I should have gone through with it. It would have been easier, but instead, I lay there, frustrated and empty.

That look on Ava’s face though—it stuck with me. The look of betrayal in her face was sharp, a wound I never expected. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. How was I supposed to feel when the only woman that is meant for me—Chloe—didn’t feel right anymore?

And Ava… She made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a long time. Things I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt Disappointment, shame, or regret. It was too much. But why? Why did it matter? I shouldn’t care. Ava is the enemy. Has always been. She’s the thorn I needed to get rid of. The constant reminder of my mother’s pain.

So why did I want to choke the guy who sat next to her on the plane ride back home? I wanted to tear his throat out for no reason. He was a stranger, some guy she’d met on the flight or wherever, but the sight of him sitting next to her while I was miles away, sitting next to Chloe, filled me with rage I couldn’t control.

It was like a slow burn in my chest, like something deep inside me snapped. I should’ve been happy to see her move on, to know she hated me. To know that there’s something I could use as a leverage against her when the time comes.

But instead, my insides twisted in a way that made no sense. I was the one who’d pushed her and is still pushing her away, right? So why did it bother me so much?

I should’ve felt relieved. I should’ve wanted her gone from my life as well, so that Chloe can take her rightful place. But instead, my heart ached like I was losing something I never knew I needed.

Maybe it’s because of the company. The will. She wouldn’t leave so easily right? Maybe that’s why it hurt to hear her say those words.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be free. Chloe was the woman who saved me. She was the one who pulled me out of the dark places, the one who understood me. She was everything. But the more I thought about Ava, the more her absence gnawed at me.

Why had I stayed in the room last night? Why didn’t I go after Chloe? Why the hell did I drag Ava into bed with me after everything? I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, especially not with Chloe right there. She had been by my side for so long, and I owed her everything.

But something inside me twisted in an unfamiliar way. Ava, with her sharp words and her gaze that seemed to pierce right through me, left a mark I couldn’t get rid of.

I paced the living room, my hand shaking as I glanced at my phone again, beating myself up for things that shouldn’t even be a problem to me. Maybe she'd call. Maybe she'd come back with Holly and it was just a minor issue. But there was nothing. She wasn’t calling.

Chloe’s voice broke my reverie, a tone that was too calm, too cold. “Sit down, Orion. Holly will be fine anyway. But what do you care?”

I felt my hands ball into fists at my sides. I’d never felt like hitting a woman before. Never. But something in Chloe’s voice, the way she said it, made me want to lash out at her.

I hated myself for even thinking that way. I hated myself even more for the way I felt about everything. I should have gone to the hospital with Ava. I should’ve been there for Holly. But instead, I was pacing around in this damn mansion, going over things I couldn’t control. What could’ve happened to Holly? Was her illness getting worse?

A second thought popped in, uninvited, and I dismissed it just as quickly. Don’t think about it. Don’t go there.

“Sit down, Orion,” Chloe repeated, her tone becoming sharper, more insistent. “What’s done is done. Let it go.”

But I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t. Not when everything inside me was burning, torn between guilt and anger, regret and shame.

“I’m not holding anything, what do you want me to let go?” I muttered under my breath.

Chloe’s eyes narrowed, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop thinking about Ava. I couldn’t stop wanting to fix whatever was going on, even though I knew it was too late. It was always too late with her. That was the reality.

But it didn’t stop the ache.

What was I supposed to do now? I wasn’t supposed to care. I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, but I did. Every inch of me screamed to fix it. To get back on track and get her out of my life for good.

I stopped pacing and glanced over at Chloe. Her eyes were filled with that strange mix of anger and irritation. I wanted to punch the wall. Why wasn’t she the one I wanted? Why couldn’t I be satisfied with her? I’d built a life with Chloe, but all I could think about was Ava.

“What the hell am I doing?” I whispered to myself.

And then, just like that, a loud bang echoed throughout the living room.

I froze, my heart thudding in my chest. Who the hell could that be? I didn’t move, couldn’t move. My eyes darted to Chloe and she quickly moved to stand behind me.

“Could it…could it be him?” She stuttered.

A frustrated sigh escaped my lips as the doorbell rang, louder than the banging on the door. Almost urgent.

It can’t be.