𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 55.

━ 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗱.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 and crisp against my bare arms as they dipped into the waves of the sea, aching and constricting with every plunge further. Clothes were clinging tightly to my torso that lay flat on the softened paddle board, plowing forward with each push, and each rebuttal against the diminished— but still ever-present— current. The sun breathed underneath dominant grey clouds overhead. With the presence of bitter wind flow coming from different directions, the mild water fell in degrees when reached my bare limbs— it wasn't cold out, it just felt so.

It wasn't just the wind against my body that made me shiver, it was the actuality of sneaking out the back door of Rose Cameron's listing house in the very brightness of day, upon having cops knocking right on the front door. We had woken up to the solid pounding coming from the floor beneath us, and the shouts from a Kildare officer. Only to be later— while on our way out the covered door on the back end— witness the sound of breaking glass, and the unlocking of the entrance. We'd made it out on the docks before the officers reached the top floor.

I'd never really envisioned myself on a paddle board— at the least, not in that very sense. Not in the sense where my life precisely depended on that piece of polished wood. It was an escape, one of the many we'd performed like the night before. It was bewildering to think back at how long I'd ran, ducked, crouched, hid, and sprinted for, all in the span of two short days, but it was becoming less bemusing with every waking hour— the more and more time we would spend running from our dangers, the more and more I was realizing that things would never return to normal. At least, not for a paralyzingly long while.

"This isn't safe," I whispered, once the two of us were really beginning to near the dock of the Chateau. We were going to get the gold we'd taken from the Crain house.

In the split second when John B turned his head around and made eye contact, I felt my stomach drop to my feet. All this— all of the running and hiding, escaping and fleeing, was leading up to the one thing I was dreading most. The final stage to the galavant, the unpredictable end to my summer, his escape. It sent a whirl of emotions to cloud my brain, and began to dig a certain spot in my heart. It was going to be the end.

But that was the scariest part of it all. The end to what.

He didn't reply, as he steered away from the dock, causing my eyebrows to narrow even more. I kept my lips sealed, but my heart racing, as we newly paddled through a patch of tall watery grass. There were no cop cars in sight at our point.

It was only a matter of time before John B was sliding off his board, into the tall grass, and climbing onto the ground. He pulled his board up at his feet, gliding it to rest hidden. With wary eyes, I looked up to meet his, as he struck out a hand. Hesitantly, I grabbed it with my own, and he pulled me to stand next to him, soon reaching down for my own stolen board. I was breathing heavily.

With his hand locked in mine, he jogged us over to a work shed. We were at the front of his house— which I rarely went in through, the frontside barely recognizable to eye. There was a Kildare County Sheriff SUV parked near the door. I caught my breath. I didn't have time to look at it though, for I was pulled to stand behind one of the rickety wooden posts, upon hearing a voice.

"Historical fact," An officer paraded down the steps that lead up to the front door, announcing to someone else. "It was four hundred-million in British government gold bars," he was saying.

I looked over John B's shoulder as we pressed up against the wooden post, letting my eyes settle on two officers trotting down the steps, the bigger one holding a cardboard box, and the other, a plastic bag. I looked closely at the bag.

My breathing hitched when I noticed a gold shimmer through it's transparency, my hand flying up to John B's shoulder, the other covering over my mouth, "Is that—"

"Yeah." John B whispered, careful of his volume.

The two officers chatted about the Royal Merchant, and placed items in the Sheriff vehicle. Just as quickly as they had come out, they were parading back into the house.

"Come," John B grabbed my hand, and took a small step away from the post, cautiously looking in both directions.

"Are you insane!" I whispered. I knew he was preparing to run for the cop car.

"Run, Charlie—" He cut himself off by jumpstarting a good sprint, pulling me with him.

It was nothing new to be running so quickly in a sea of dead branches, leaves, dirt, and grass, but something about this escapade made my heart jump quicker than the other times. I tore my hand away from his own, and ran even faster, feeling the sticks scratch at my ankles.

"Go! In the passenger seat!" John B whisper-shouted to me, when we finally neared the car.

I huffed, trying to nod, but it only came out as a vigorous movement of my head as I sprinted towards the SUV. Scrambling, my hand gripped along the handle, and the door was ripped open.

Just as I threw myself into the seat, John B was yanking open the driver's side door, throwing his backpack down. I fumbled to reach into the compartment in front of my legs, where I'd seen the officer place the gold nugget, reaching in for it.

"I got it— go," I told him, praying he would press on the gas right at that moment. I shoved the gold into his backpack.

John B eagerly pressed a finger onto the "Start Engine" button, repeatedly, but nothing happened.

"Shit," he closed his eyes in a tough blink, digging his short fingernails into the leather of the steering wheel.

At that point, I figured we were over, like i'd done many times— the officers would hear us, they'd come out, and we'd have no place to run.

But John B was reaching for the radio.

My heart skipped another beat, "What,"

The radio let out a static noise, the feedback squealed, and John B swallowed nervously.

And then he spoke into the radio. "Shoupe, you there, buddy?" He said, with such a confident tone of voice that you could say he sounded guilty, and proud of it. "I think you know who it is." He continued, sounding so sure of himself. "Come on out."

And the second the officers came around the corner inside his house, he dropped the act, his breath hitching uncontrollably.

"Oh my god," I inhaled with a sharp gasp.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" He screamed, now the fear was evident in his voice, his vocal chords breaking.

"John B," the officer warned.

"I just wanna talk," John B put both hands up. "I didn't do it, Shoupe," he claimed nervously.

"Al— just, just, calm down and keep those hands where I can see em', alright?" The officer was slowly stepping down the front steps.

John nodded.

"I'm gonna approach the vehicle, you won't run and I won't chase, okay," Shoupe ordered.

"Yeah," John B sounded close to tears.

"Stay right there," the officer told. "Who's the girl," he nodded his chin towards me.

I swallowed.

John B whimpered quietly, not answering the question, "hey, hey, hey, I didn't do it," he claimed, honestly. "get your hand off your gun!" He panicked.

Both officers has their arms out at their sides, hands free. But they were getting closer.

"We're gonna talk, alright?" The officer nodded his head.

"Yes," John B's voice cracked.

Shoupe took another step closer to the vehicle, and suddenly, through my peripheral vision, a small green light came on in the car. Without moving my head, I shifted my eyes down to the "Start Engine", it's button ready.

Without thinking twice, I pressed a strong finger onto the circle. The engine roared, causing John B to gasp, along with distinctive gasps from the officers.

"Go! Drive the fucking car!" I yelled.

He let out a loud laugh and slammed a foot onto the gas, shooting us forward.

Both officers yelled and shouted with words of anger and shock, but we were already driving, and not a shot was fired after us.

"Oh my god—" I inhaled sharply, in a pure state of shock, as we drove down his street.

John B turned his head around and looked out the back window. He laughed. "I told you."

I would've laughed too, or even smiled, but I couldn't force my lips up even if I tried. Because the sure knowledge that the Pogues were waiting at the boat ramp for us, our final stop, made my stomach ache. This was it.

"Charlie we're free— we're good!" He yelled, his voice happy for the first time in a long time.

I felt a wave of tears brim at my eyes, but he was too busy driving and gaping with shock to notice it.

The whole ride to the boat ramp, I stared out the window, as John B patted my leg. I watched the trees swirl by into different smears of green, and the road disappears below us, thinking about everything. Thinking about John B, Sarah, Ward, the Pogues, Rafe, sheriff Peterkin, my grandparents, my parents— everything simply flashing before me in a series of images, images of faces, people, and things I'd done. Everything I'd done in the last few months.

I didn't know what this escape meant for us, what it meant for me, what it meant for my life. I did not know what the outcome would be. I did not know what the aftermath would look like. I did not know what I was going to do.

But the second we pulled up, sirens blaring, onto a patch of grass hidden below tall trees, I knew it was the end of something.

Kiara, Pope, and Jj stood watching the SUV pull up.

I felt a wave of relief wash over me, just by seeing them— but that tiny second of reassurance slipped away and replaced with a certain, and omnipresent aura of sadness. A consuming sadness that was close to enveloping me completely, with whichever choice I would decide to make.

I tried to wipe my eyes as the car's engine stopped, and John B pushed open his door, the sirens ceasing. I rubbed my eyes with shaking fingers.

"Wait," I heard Jj say, "No way," he clasped a hand over his mouth, speaking with a tone of disbelief.

"No f'ing way," Pope's face was lighting up with a grin.

"I'm sorry?" Kie's face contorted into a look of joking disbelief at the sight of John B stepping up towards them.

I climbed out of the vehicle, hanging my head a little bit.

"Shoupe let us take it for a spin," John B said, slinging the backpack over his shoulders.

Kiara made a comment, and went in for a tight hug with John B.

"Are you guys okay?" Pope asked me, as he stood up. He stepped over to me.

"Yeah," I sniffled, and smiled up at him weakly. I softly wrapped my arms around his back, and he did the same, pulling me into his chest delicately.

"You won't believe the shit we went through in the last twenty four hours, man," John B let out a laugh.

It felt unusual to hug Pope, but that was the very least of my worries.

"It wasn't easy, bro, but I got the Phantom for ya," Jj announced, climbing off the boat, "And she runs like she was made yesterday!"

"Charlie," Kie smiled, upon grasping an eye contact.

A warm feeling stirred in my stomach when she engulfed me into a secure hug at her turn, my head resting on her shoulder. I tried not to sniffle.

"You ready to go?" Jj hopped onto the deck, proud.

Kiara then had her hand on my shoulder, walking us over to the boys, Pope following.

John B caught the keys to the boat in his hand. Jj was stepping over to me.

"You good, Charlie," he asked me, quietly. His voice was low, to where only him and I could hear it, as if he knew something were terribly wrong.

I tried to nod. But it only came out weak and tired, my aura of sadness spilling through.

I was pulled into another hug, this one tighter than the others. Jj held me close, and I couldn't help but let a tear slip down onto the material of his shirt.

When his hands slid out from around my shoulders, his eyes were glossy.

And that's when it hit me.

All that time, since the beginning of when Ward Cameron accused John for his own crimes, the Pogues thought I was going to be leaving with John B— and at first, I thought I was, too. That moment on the boat ramp was meant to be our goodbye, my goodbye to my best friends.

And looking up at Jj who had tears in his eyes, Jj who helped me keep my secret, and Jj who broke down outside of John B's house in that hot tub he bought, I knew that he for sure thought this was goodbye.

And the glossy layer over his eyes told me that I meant something to them, and that right there was pushing me over the edge.

"You're gonna be okay," he then whispered, only to me.

He patted my shoulders, sending me off towards John B. When I looked back at him, he was wiping his eyes, standing close beside Kiara who has blurry vision too.

After a moment to regain, Jj quickly explained the protocol, seriously now, as I hopped onto the boat. John B said goodbye. It was catching up to me.

"Okay, Charlie," John B grabbed my hand.

With a glance to the Pogues, I stopped.

There, on the front of the boat, I stopped in place.

All the sidetracked emotions slipped into my brain, every feeling from the last days, almost clouding it completely. I felt as though someone kicked me right in the stomach. Heart, was uncontrollable to calm down, beating so hard against my shirt that the Pogues could've heard it on its own. My hands were shaking, trembling in the crevice of John B's palm.

I hadn't done everything I wanted yet. I hadn't learned how to surf yet, or how to tie the HMS Pogue to the post on the dock. I hadn't sat on the edge of Caroline and Daryl's dock, dipped my feet into the water and watched the sunset. I hadn't had the chance to organize the kitchen cupboards at the Chateau like I said I would. I hadn't played enough cards with Caroline. I hadn't ran on the beach yet, sat in the sand and let the waves pile up to my feet. I hadn't stargazed in the middle of the night more than once. But most importantly, I hadn't gotten the opportunity to tell the Pogues, my best friends, how much they really meant to me, and how summer changed my life completely.

And then, like a punch to the throat, I said it.

"I can't go with you."

Suddenly, everything around us went stone cold silent, almost as if the waves stopped moving, and the birds stopped chirping. John B turned right around.

"What," he said, almost for clarification.

I swallowed, hard. "I'm not going with you, John B."

The second the words fell off my tongue, I regretted saying them. Before I even knew it, tears were shooting at my eyes. There was this sudden pain in my chest, and it was unshakeable, eating away at my body, wanting to swallow me up whole. I wanted to go with him, I wanted to be with him, but it wasn't me.

John B was more than a boyfriend, and I had realized that on the day we sat on his fallen tree and watched the sunset. He was more than my first kiss, my first anything. And I would be a fool to throw it all away just like that. But I would also be a fool to run away to Mexico at sixteen, without any notice of departure.

And so I held strong.

He blinked. "What do you mean," there was a crack in his words.

"Don't make me say it again," I stared down at our hands still intertwined.

"Charlie, I— I'm confused," John B took a small step towards me. "What are you sayin—"

"What does it sound like," I wanted to wipe a tear from the side of my face, but my arms wouldn't move. John B looked to the Pogues who held his same expression.

Time stood still.

He gripped my hand tighter, "We have to go, the cops'll be here any minute," he tried to turn away.

I placed both hand son his forearms, stopping him. "I have a family, John," My voice was breaking. "For the first time in my life, I have a family,"

"Charlie," I heard Jj say, quietly.

"I can't leave— I can't leave my grandparents," my heart dropped when an image of them slid into my mind, "And my parents— John B, my parents, I know I shouldn't care, but they're out there— they're out there thinking I'm okay,"

"So you wanna stay here?" John B asked, but not as a question.

"I can't go to Mexico," I said, staring down.

"Charlotte you can't stay here—" John B grabbed my hands this time, "Ward— he'll, he'll kill you, and, and, your grandparents— they'll know about all this, he's gonna kill you like he did to my father!"

"Then I'll go." I mumbled.

"What?" Kiara stepped forward on the docks.

"I'll leave— I'll, I'll get a plane ticket, and I can- I can go back to New York," I said, frantic, "At least until everything dies down. Or go live with my parents, I don't know, live with them in Europe!"

"What about Sarah," John B's cheeks were wet with tears. "What about the Pogues,"

"This was the best summer of my life. And I love you guys, okay," I said, "And I've never said that to anyone before, okay,"

He clenched his jaw, his eyes glistening with a watery surface. I should've said the words just to him, but my mouth wouldn't utter them again.

"My grandparents, John B." I paused, swallowing, "They love me, okay, and you damn well know that they're the only people who have ever said those three words and mean it. Okay— I can't leave them, John B, not like this."

My words caused everyone to silence.

"I'm sorry," I cried.

"Then this is a goodbye," John B looked up at me, from looking down at his feet.

I stared at him.

"Only for now," I tried to smile, but it didn't work. "And then look— look at me,"

Feeling my heart shatter, I placed both hands on the sides of his face, and lifted him up to look at me.

"When you get back, okay, we can celebrate my birthday," I rubbed a hand on his cheek, "Even if it's delayed, I don't care. And then you'll teach me to drive, remember,"

He nodded, slowly.

"I don't care if you can't buy me a car, I don't care about the gold," I shook my head.

I placed my lips on his. The moment he kissed back— I saw myself, standing there on my front porch, in the rain, between his arms. It made me cry even harder through the kiss, at the image of him and I standing outside my grandparents' home, after our day at ChapelHill. And then when we sat on the fallen tree outside of the Chateau, watching the sunset together.

That night, outside his house, something clicked inside of me. And I was feeling it now more and ever.

He pulled away and placed his chin on the top of my head.

"Be safe, okay," I mumbled into his chest. "We'll see each other soon."

He hugged me tighter than he'd ever hugged me before, and I didn't want to pull away. I wanted to stand there forever, in his arms, and not let go.

"One hell of a summer, hey," I rubbed his back. Although it was weighing on me, I wanted nothing more than to see him smile just one more time.

And he pulled away, smiling as I thought he'd be.

I took in his features one last time, the freckles on his nose, his light eyes, his jaw, and the curls beside his ears.

"Take care of her," John B looked to Jj.

Jj nodded, meaning it.

"I should've fuckin' listened when Daryl told me to stay away from you guys, huh," I joked, pushing a hand on his chest.

He laughed, slowly, and the Pogues did too. Just a little bit.

And just when I savored his smile, like a stab in my chest, his hands were slipping away.

"Get across the border." I looked up at him, now serious.

Before separating, he placed one last kiss on my forehead.

And then just like that, we slipped away from one another. I couldn't help but place a hand over my mouth, my cries were quiet, as I hopped down onto the dock. I didn't even have to say anything for Jj and Kira to wrap their arms around my shoulders, Pope following.

Pope and Kie pushed the boat.

I turned to watch him leave.

For some reason, deep down, I knew that I would never see him again.

And then before my mind could process any further, we were watching the boat turn away and cruise through the water, away from us and everything else. I didn't tear my eyes away from the back of his head even when sirens neared and flashing lights showed up behind us. I wanted to stare at him for every final second, and that's exactly what I did.

༄

don't even ask me if i cried

while writing this

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