• my heart is yours •

(the year after, nov 12.)

toya pov //

I silence the alarm, sniffing as I drowsily lift my head and sit up, stretching.

I look at my phone and my eyes widen when I see the date.

It's school today, so I'll definitely visit after. I blink and clench my jaw as I get up and get changed into my uniform.

I brush my teeth and wash my face gently, drying it off after I fix my hair, neatening my bedsheets that I had thrown off earlier.

I try and look at my reflection, but get bored looking at the scrubbed out face glaring back at me.

I got curtain bangs, though.

I remember when Akito clipped my hair to the sides, declared it as having curtain bangs, then told me that it looked seriously good. I got it for him.

My throat clouds up but I swallow it down. Not now.

I walk past my kitchen. I don't eat breakfast. I can't find the energy.

I sling my bag over my shoulder, silently walking out the front door.

Reluctantly going to school, I'm just waiting for the glares. Sympathetic or taunting, I don't care. I hate it.

An spots me outside the school, and waves. Kohane is next to her.

Kohane moved to Kamiyama for this year. She said that she wanted to be with me and An, and also things were getting rough for her at her last school.

An's evidently been crying. I smile at her. I don't say anything.

I don't talk alot. I wouldn't be surprised if I opened my mouth and a bunch of bullshit just came out instead of real words.

I don't sing anymore. My dad forced me into classical and I accepted, caving in. The girls have stuck as The Vivids, which I respect.

At least father doesn't hate me anymore. He got over it when I took classical music back.

I sniff, blinking, absent mindedly picking at my cuticles.

"Don't keep doing it. Oh, Toya. Look, it's already sore." Kohane stopped me, gently touching the other fingers. I shrug.

She looks up at me sympathetically.

The two people I open my mouth to are KAITO and Akito.

I don't know why, but KAITO just says everything so perfectly that it makes me want to talk to him.

I walk through the school corridors, refusing to look anybody in the eyes. The second I do, it'll only be bad. I can already hear their whispers, judgemental accusations.

It's mostly just scribbles anyway. I don't see many faces anymore.

I sit in maths and bite my nails. I keep my grades up, no matter what.

I'm so excited to leave school to go and see him. I smile at the thought but cover it up fast. I don't want anybody seeing that mess.

My head hurts. Tsukasa taps me.

"Did you get enough sleep last night?" He frowns.

I shrug, looking at him. He blinks at me sympathetically.

"Did you skip breakfast?" The question gets thrown out there. I know Tsukasa's been trying to keep track of it.

I nod and look back round at my work. I lie alot.

I do a lot without Akito.

I never moved on.

I don't give a shit if it was over a year ago. I remember it like yesterday. So vividly that whenever I think into it too hard I start uncontrollably sobbing.

Everyone else can gladly move on, 'cause it wasn't their fault.

The rest of the day just doesn't even matter to me. I don't care. I want to go.

After last period, I might as well have run out the school. I go to a shop down the road, seeing Saki inside. She took on a job just to earn some extra money.

"Toya! It's so nice to see you!" She smiled happily.

I love people who still act really happy around me, asking me questions as if I'll willingly answer. She has my respect. She always did, since small children.

"Can I just have some sunflowers?" I ask nicely. She smiled at me brightly and nodded when I handed her a really nice batch I picked out.

I payed for them and let a smile crack for her, as she gave me a large one back and waved goodbye eagerly.

She's so kind to me.

I stroll quietly to where I wanted to go, smiling when I stopped in front of the place I love most recently. I cross my legs when I sit down, gently arranging the flowers by the grave.

"Hey." I smile, immeditely in tears.

"Happy birthday, Akito. I miss you so much. Every day of my life. I'd do anything to see your face again, to hear your voice again." I breathe out shakily.

"Sweet seventeen, huh?" I laugh, murmuring under my voice. I swallow hard and look down at my thumbs, fiddling with them.

"I love you." I whisper.

The words only bring me pain.

I swore to myself that I'd never say those again to anybody. I'd never say them to anybody else, not even myself. I resent them.

"Euhhh schools shit. As usual." I roll my eyes.

"I know that you love sunflowers a lot, so I got you the best I saw. I remember on your fourteenth birthday, when I got you a bouquet of flowers, and you cried." I laugh, tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Dumbass." I smile. I see An and Kohane together, probably coming to see him too.

I give in and cover my face, crying hard. My jaw clenches as I breathe in and out hard, rubbing my eyes.

An kneels next to me and wraps her arms around me. Kohane adds a few flowers they picked out.

"Im so sorry. I'm sorry." I wipe my eyes and grab my bag, running.

"Hey Toya! Stop-" Kohane grabbed my wrist.

"Me and An want to be here for you. I feel like you're beginning to isolate yourself away from everybody, and I do not want to be thinking about why." She had tears welling her eyes.

"You don't talk. The most I'll ever get out of you is a shrug or a nod." She stressed.

"What are you planning?"

The question echoed around my head.

I uncomfortably tucked my blazer sleeves down over my hands and blinked at her.

"I'm not going to kill myself, if that's what you're referencing." I say flatly.

"Why do you blame yourself?" Kohane cried.

"Why do you think? If i hadn't hesitated, or I'd just said it earlier, he'd be fine. It's so obviously my fault." I snap.

"Your fault so bad that it cost you your cleanliness?" She frowned.

"Huh?" I blink.

"Don't think I haven't noticed your arms." She said between gritted teeth.

I shrunk away, looking at the floor, shaking my head.

"It's too much. It's so much." I break down.

"You haven't even talked to me this much in a year." Kohane said sadly.

"Because I'm fucking scared! Of everyone. Everything. Anything. I'm so scared that I can't even function properly or look after myself right, or talk to the people that I really want to talk to, picking up shit I never wanted to start." I rub my eyes.

Kohane threw her arms around me. An was talking to Akito.

"Toya. We love you so much and we are shitting ourselves at the thought that we might loose you too." She said gently.

"Please. Come back to us. Do you want to pay sekai a visit?" She asked.

"I cant." I tremble, crying.

"Listen to me when I tell you this. If you overcome your extreme fear of remembering Akito, it'll turn into something you enjoy doing instead of cowering away from. You'll smile and laugh at the memories. But you have to trust us." She held my hands.

I bit my lip and nodded.

"Okay. I do. I do." I breathe out. She held my hand tightly and played untitled.

We all appeared at Sekai.

I don't want to open my eyes.

"Toya, Open your eyes." Kohane whispered. I shook my head vigorously and started breaking down.

"I cant I don't want to. Kohane, I'm so scared." I'm shaking.

"Toya, calm down. It's beautiful here. It's really, really stunning." She smiled.

"Hey guys." KAITO smiled.

I squinted gently, before opening my eyes and letting myself see.

It's breathtaking.

The sunset displays hundereds of shades ranging from bright yellows to dusky reds. The burning bright sun lights everywhere up a dim shade of orange.

There's graffiti on the walls as usual, but a few more at the bottom, to resemble Akito. I sit down and stroke my hand across it, closing my eyes.

Everything rushes to me. The memories, the cheerful experiences we had, the shows and performing, the crying and anger. Excitement, rage, defeat, eagerness, love, all of it comes into my mind.

I open my eyes and smile.

Kohane was right.

I think about last year, when our lips brushed, but Ena barged in. That was a close call. Akito would've kicked my ass.

I blink tears away, still smiling.

All the times he fell asleep on my chest and me on his. Everything.

It's not something to be sad about at all.

It's something I should like to remember.

I breathe out.

"How do you feel?" Kohane asked.

"Painfully okay." I look at her, smiling warmly.

"That's all we need." An sat on the other side of me, putting her arm around my shoulders as I linked my hand with Kohanes.

I love you, Akito.

I smile. I smile fully, for the first time in a year.

It's okay. I'm okay. I breathe out my nose, closing my eyes as I take in this moment. I see it all now, I see it all how I should.

I love you, and I'm not scared to.

"I love you, Akito." I whisper.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I look into the sunset, the oranges and yellows representing his fluffy hair, green trees and bushes spotted in the distance his majestic eyes.

My heart belongs to nobody but you, Akito.

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1694 words

long writers note rant <3

ITS DONE!!! i finished my fic!! I FINISHED IT.

i thought i'd give you a 'there is hope' type of ending, like the realisation that happiness was with him the whole time he had just closed it off

it was so fun to write this, and i cried so hard writing this chapter (stop i cry at my own writing don't judge) and watching multiple people frequently comment and vote on my chapters really made my day and gave me so much motivation

i have a few names hang on

BatteryRoach

reitokunn_

yuqarin

That1KidStalkingYou

luna4youna

EnaShinonomeskin

SCHmoremorejump1

thank you all sk much for sticking with this fic and your either goofy or supportive comments i absoloutely loved them and nearly cried at some of the comments i got 😭😭😭💗💗

i will definitely do more fics in the future once i get ideas for maybe au's or not im not sure

thank you to everyone who stayed with me and read it all, i love you so much, and you basically rooted my motivation <333