• eisoptrophobia •

(tw: direct sh)

akito pov //

It hurts so badly that it just doesn't. My entire throat, neck and torso has gone numb. I blink and sit cross legged on the floor of his bathroom, breathing heavily.

I stand up and open my mouth, looking into the mirror. I shine my phone flashlight down into it, illuminating the yellow petals poked up at the back of my neck. I laugh a little and close my mouth.

I'm so done. I'm completely and utterly finished with life.

I open my mouth over his sink, the blood from the thorn jabbing in trickling out. I spat out the remaints, washing the sickly red away.

I walk out and gently close the door, approaching Toya.

"Nothing? You're serious? You're going to say nothing? No explanation whatsoever?" He asked slowly, frowning.

My heart cracks into two, even more than it was if that's even possible. I want to tell him but I really don't want to at the same time.

I'd only tell him so he didn't grieve that everyone else knew but him. I can't and don't want to tell him because it would ruin our friendship and his entire view of me, and I'd be dead at the end anyway because he doesn't like me back.

So it's death with Toya being confused and mad, or it's death with Toya being weirded out and mad. I'd rather the first one.

I silently sit next to him.

"You're going to say nothing?" He asked quietly, his voice breaking and wavering, tears in his wide eyes.

I shake my head. I can't talk even if I wanted to. My throat stings so badly when I even slightly shift my mouth, it's unbearable.

He hugs his knees up to his chest, sniffing.

"All those times you forced the answer out my throat because you demanded I needed your comfort? All the nights that I was upset and you tried to get me to cry because it helped with letting things go? Well I don't even need to try to cry anymore, I just do, because you helped me feel normal." He was trembling, and I watch him swallow.

"But now I can't do something as simple as get you to tell me what's wrong? Did I do something to you?" He laughed, wiping his eyes.

I get out my phone and message him.

(A) my throat is rlly rlly sore i lost my voice

(A) im so so sorry toya ur my bsf and i wouldn't trade you for the world and it breaks my heart so badly to not be able to tell you what's wrong but i really can't

(A) i know it's confusing and i know your mad and upset and im all of that at once as well but you just have to understand that i can't tell you this

He looked up from his phone. I heard a car park up outside.

(A) ur dad

He looks outside as I run upstairs into his room, Toya following quickly. I waited until his father entered the house and called for him, before I went to slide his window up.

I hesitated, turning around as I look at him.

'I love you.'

I can't do it.

I can't do it.

I won't do it.

Instead I throw my arms around him, hugging him tightly as I bury my face into his neck comfortably, his arms around my shoulders.

He rests his forehead on my shoulder, his chest jolting as he cried.

"I'm so sorry." It's extremely raspy, practically whispered words.

I part away from him and smile, before I jump down from his window and he closes it behind me, watching me as I walk away, wiping his eyes and covering his tears for his father.

Gritting my teeth, I feel extremely pissed off at myself. I arrive home, nodding when Ena asked if school was okay. I can't be bothered to tell her now, maybe later.

I have one sight in my head. I throw my bag down and take my blazer off, my school jumper too. I bite my lip, locking my bathroom door; leaving my bedroom door just closed.

I look at myself in the mirror.

Everything comes in all at once- charging at me. All the thoughts, the terrifying commands.

My eyes fade down to my stomach and I dig my fingers into the palms of my hands, drawing blood.

I look back up at my face and it looks all dismorphed. It looked like that anyway. I want to rip all my skin off, tears rolling down my cheeks as I bite the skin on the inside of my lips viciously, the metal taste tanging my mouth.

I don't even know what I can see in front of me. It's weird, and it's ugly, and I hate it. I hate it so much. Not even hate.

Loathe.

I loathe myself.

I scrunch my face and collapse to my floor, lifting my hand as I rummage through my draw, bringing out a small bag with makeup products in it. It's where I hide it.

I unzip it and retrieve my blade, flipping it over itself a few times, blinking harshly.

Closing my eyes in a desperate attempt to resist, to try not to do it, I fail, giving in.

Clearly, trying isn't enough.

Then again, it never was. Or I might just be bad at trying.

Bringing it up to my wrist already covered in ungodly lines, my shaking hand settles on a space between two.

I breathe in and shut my eyes, digging the corner into my skin before I straighten it up and slit a cut down my skin, the blood immedite.

I release my breath, my eyes still closed, the releif something that I don't even need to ask twice for.

It's all my fault. Absoloutely everything. I shouldn't have let myself fall for Toya and disturb his happiness and our friendship. I'm so fucked up it's funny.

I don't know what's wrong with me but it makes me want to die more and more everyday, every urge and thought pointing toward it.

My tongue flicks over my lips as I hesitantly open my eyes, looking at what I've created.

What? Since when had- since when had I done so much?

Did I disconnect completely? I don't even rememeber cutting up to my elbow, that deep too..?

I throw my blade against the wall frustratedly, hating it for what it does to me, but loving it so dearly.

My attachment makes me grab it again, bringing it back close as I tuck it away where I always put it, before covering my arms in thick bandage.

I cleaned the cuts with tissues and a small dash of water around skin where small spots had dried.

I cover my eyes and grab my hair tightly, the urge to rip chunks of it out at a time overwhelming.

toya pov // (have some cutesie)

I sniff in, wiping my eyes as KAITO watches me from my phone screen.

"What did I do? Did I do something to him?" I blink, slightly angry about the entire situation.

"No, I'm sure there's something behind it. He wouldn't keep it out of spite, and you know that just as well as you know that there's a reason he can't tell you and it's probably the fact that it would hurt you." He explained.

"Why are you so wise?!" I look up at him.

"Pisses me off." I look away, laughing. I'm honest with KAITO because he is honest with me, and it's how it is. I don't really care about how I act or he acts when we are around each other.

I know what he's trying to do. I know he's trying to give me a father figure.

I'm taking it.

"Hana situation?" He asked.

"I fixed things but then directly after had another Akito spasm." I rub my eyes, sinking down the wall as I groan.

"Dude you definitely like him." KAITO smirked.

"Shut up! No I don't. I have a girlfriend." I look away.

"You don't want one, Toya. Accept it." He blinked at me, stopping the jokes.

"But Hana- she- she's the sweetest thing. She only ever means good. She's such an ideal girl and I-" I look down, sighing.

"I can like her, but I cant love her." I look down.

"Like like, like like?" KAITO frowned, putting emphasis on the different words.

"I'm sorry what?" I laughed, him too.

"Like.. like, like?" He questioned.

"KAITO, just word it differently..." I smiled.

"I don't know how! Erm.. As in.. Like, relationship like? Or, friend like. I hate the word like now. It sounds weird." He muttered the end to himself.

"Oh well you could've said." I rolled my eyes.

"I did!" He said dissapprovingly.

"Anyway. As in friend way." I sigh, looking at the floor.

"Toya you literally just answered your own questions. You said you can like Hana as a friend but can't love her. That's your answer." He blinked.

"Well how do I tell her that?" I mutter.

"If she's so sweet and caring she'll understand. Say it how you would, not me, or anybody else." He advised.

"And, how would you class Akito?" KAITO asked expectantly, smiling at me deviously.

"I could love h-" My eyes widen.

"I like him, But I can't love him. Same case scenario, really." I correct myself.

Stop tripping up. It's not happening. It's not going to work.

"Toya, let yourself feel, regardless of if you think he doesn't back." he said calmly.

"I cant." I rub my forehead stressfully.

(H) toya i havw smth to tell you im so sorry

I swear to god if she's breaking up with me, I'll kiss Akito on the lips tommorow. Jesus most definitely just send me my prophecy.

(T) you okay?

(H) my parents are moving away to the top of tokyo and well i don't really do long distance we are moving like legit tommorow i didn't know how to tell you and that's why i think i rushed shit because i didn't know what to do

(T) omg, your moving? that's so cool

(T) im ngl i wouldn't be able to do long distance either, i don't like the idea of it it's not my thing and hana if im beinf honest i was going to try and split tommorow with you in school because im having an entire shift in my life and im having an existential crisis

(H) ohh fair fair

(H) friends?

(T) absoloutely

Wait, I'm not- I'm not like actually kissing Akito. Uhmm... I never uh, said I would...

My brain loads for a moment, catching up.

"I'm gonna need the cookies I refused." I look up at KAITO.

/////////

1797 words

it might seem like it's makinf things better it is NOT this is to make the angst angstier 🙏🙏

it's downhill from here icl

LAST DAY IF SCHOOL TIDAY WOOP WOOP im gonna upload often as possible over the half term now and looks like i might have more chapters left than i thought or maybe not

thank you sm for all the votes, follows and comments i swear to fuck y'all got me giggling and kicking my feet 😭💗

side note // the title is the phobia of mirrors