Chapter 11 - "Is that how you noticed me?"

Courtney never wanted parties to end. She loved the feeling of camaraderie that they always brought. But with her party, as she moved about smiling, laughing, talking, all she wanted was for the night to be over and everyone gone.

She'd never been on the outside in a party before. That night it couldn't even be said that she was, but she felt it. Her crutches seemed to act as their own force field keeping her from joining in with it all. It was like she was in a bubble without being in a bubble.

The ache in her arms and ankle didn't help either. But then again pain rarely helped.

Finally, the party had ended. Some of the squad, who had roped in some football players, had spent a few minutes collecting trash before leaving. The house which had been bursting with noise lay quiet and mostly dark.

From where Courtney sat by the edge of the pool she could see that her parents and Heather had all gone to sleep. Miles's lights were still on. Artists and their strange night owl ways. Courtney didn't move from her spot, the cool water encasing her ankle and the cold pizza keeping her company.

She heard the sound of crinkling trash and saw Aiden walking out the back door with two trash bags in hand. He headed around the house to the trash cans. The action felt so normal to the couple they had been, always helping the other clean up after a party, that Courtney didn't find it at all strange.

It wasn't until he returned and approached her that she realized they weren't together anymore. Right, forgot that detail for a moment.

"Can I sit?" he asked.

"Sure."

He settled adjacent to her and Courtney slid the pizza box towards him. It had only survived because her parents had stolen it and eaten only part of it.

"Thanks," Aiden said, taking a slice.

They didn't speak as they sat there. Strange. Completely strange and completely normal.

Courtney looked over at Aiden, he was attractive, no denying that. Strong jaw, pretty eyes, great hair. Yet, Courtney didn't feel longing, regret, or sadness.

She'd seen countless breakups: The Angry breakup, The Pretend It Didn't Mean Anything breakup, The Ignore Each Other breakup, The Instantly Date Someone New breakup, The Cry At The Drop of A Hat breakup, The It Was Mutual breakup.

She'd seen and walked so many of her friends through every variation of these types of breakups. Despite how they all appeared on the outside, there was always sadness, loss.

Now she sat by her ex and the strongest thing she felt was relief that the party was over.

Was she broken? Oh my gosh! Was she a psychopath?

Wait, would a psychopath even ask themselves if they were a psychopath? Did that mean she wasn't one just because she asked herself that question? I think therefore I am type dealio.

She could still remember how giddy she'd been when Aiden first asked her out. Lynn had been thrilled that her childhood friend was getting together with her best friend. They both had screamed and jumped up and down. Those feelings had been real.

So where did they go?

She'd told Micah she didn't love Aiden. Had she ever?

Heavens above this was an annoying place to be! Why couldn't she be like her other friends who sobbed while drowning themselves in ice cream! That sounded nice and completely normal. She could drown herself in ice cream but the depth of sadness wasn't there to make it worth it.

Heavy sigh, I hate this.

"It was a good party," Aiden said.

"Yeah, no fights and no breakups."

Aiden laughed. "That does seem to be a theme with most parties."

She liked his laugh, warm and inviting. So why didn't she care that they broke up?

Aiden held her gaze and there was a look in his eyes that said so much: he missed her, he wanted to move closer to her, he wanted to say something he probably shouldn't.

Woah, expressive eyes.

His eyes said all that, what did hers say? It felt infuriating to be in a spot they'd shared so many times but feel nothing but confusion.

"Are you okay?" Aiden asked.

Her lips smiled before she could even make a conscious decision to do so. Only then did she realize she hadn't been smiling or saying anything: two things she hardly ever did.

"Of course," she said, leaving out the mention of pain, exhaustion, and weariness. "How are you feeling about the new season?"

She asked the question without thought, a natural reaction to being around him. They say old habits die hard. Being the supportive girlfriend always turning the conversation back to him seemed to fall into that category.

"It's good," Aiden said. "I think it might actually be one of best. The team is stronger than ever. It shows promise.

"Promise?"

"Yeah, we have this new running back, he's quick and slippery, a perfect combination. He's able to get out of so many tight situations."

"You sound excited."

"I am. This is it, my senior year. My one shot to prove to scouts that I'm worth taking a chance on. Playing college football is my dream and this could be it. I don't want to screw it up."

"How could you screw it up?"

The questions came easily, they always had.

Despite having flirted and talked with a lot of guys before, being on her first date with Aiden had felt nerve-racking. She'd been nervous about messing up, so she'd used a technique her father taught her to help others open up.

Only later on did she discover it was a business negotiation tactic: mirroring and acknowledging emotions. But by then it's what made things easy with Aiden.

So it stuck.

But what type of relationship was it if she felt comfortable with him by using business negotiation tactics?

That was weird. That was definitely not normal.

"You always knew what to say to make me open up," Aiden said. "My mom would be jealous."

Well, all your mother has to do is be a psychopath who uses business strategy on her son. Because that's what your girlfriend did. Gosh, I really am a psycho.

"I should head out," Aiden said.

He rose and held his hands out for Courtney. She accepted the help, hopping on one foot to give herself distance from the pool. Aiden held onto her and she looked up at him to ask what was up.

Their eyes locked and Courtney could feel the hundreds of memories of being in that exact same place passing between them. After a short breath, Aiden kissed her.

It was soft, caring, and tinged with longing. It was familiar.

Courtney felt nothing. Well if that isn't telling, she didn't know what was!

She pulled back.

"You made a decision for your future, remember," she said.

"I...I miss you."

Yeah, you should have thought about that before you dumped me, buddy boy.

And of course he missed her, she always let him talk. About himself, his goals, his life, his loves. Courtney couldn't remember if she'd shared her life with him like she'd made him share his with her.

"Goodnight, Aiden," she said.

He nodded and left. Courtney grabbed her crutches and tucked them under her arms. She watched as Aiden disappeared down the hallway and a second later heard the front door close behind him.

Despite being tired and in pain, she didn't move from her spot.

He'd kissed her, she felt nothing.

He'd talked and she'd fallen back into using a business tactic to keep him talking.

She couldn't avoid this any longer.

It was time to ask herself the important question: what are the facts?

Facts: In the first years of high school she'd been too focused on getting perfect grades, life, cheer, the Council to want a boyfriend.

She'd liked Aiden.

She was thrilled when he asked her out.

She was also terrified to screw it up.

He was her first boyfriend.

She'd decided to be the perfect girlfriend.

From years of seeing how her friends acted as girlfriends, she'd made a business plan of how to be the perfect girlfriend. (Which that should have been a tip-off, you don't overthink being with someone, you just are.)

The plan had been: she would always be understanding. Never impatient when he wanted to hang out with his friends instead of her. Supportive of his football career. Eager to hear about his day, his problems. But never let him hear hers. Who wanted a whining girlfriend after all?

Fact: It had all worked.

They had fun together. Football games, parties, dates, long chats.

But Major Fact: being a perfect girlfriend was exhausting. And like a perfect couple seen on social media, pretty but not real.

There was the truth, the reason why she felt relieved when he'd broken up with her was because it had been too hard to maintain that perfection.

That was that.

Courtney picked up the pizza box, which took a great effort of balance and headed inside. Leaving the box on the kitchen counter, she headed up Everest.

She found the heart of why she felt so strange about the breakup. But that didn't mean much. She still didn't know what to feel. Her epiphany still left her with a ball of emotions where pulling one string only made it more confusing. Stupid ball of string emotions!

What she felt was that emotions sucked and she wanted them all to die a terrible and painful death! Die emotions die!

Okay, that didn't sound dramatic at all.

Courtney stopped at her bathroom to remove her makeup, which wasn't a lot. She preferred the neutral tones, minimalistic look. Still, when she'd removed it all she felt like she looked...less than. She stared at her reflection. Aiden's eyes were expressive, what did her eyes say?

Right now it was 'your narrowed eyes are judging me', as well as 'you look tired and emotionally exhausted'. But it was mainly that first one.

She glanced at the colorful notecards that ringed her mirror and all the quotes she'd heard her father say. At the center was: you dictate how the world perceives you. Yeah, but how do I control how I perceive myself? Because right now I look terrible.

Easy, avoid the mirror.

Well, it was as good a solution as any.

In her room, she changed into her pajamas and flopped onto her bed. She gazed up at the ceiling and the soft light that emanated from her twinkle lights. When she could divine nothing about her predicament from the ceiling, she grabbed her phone from the nightstand and lay back down.

One message from Micah.

Micah:

I have that report you wanted.

Ignore one's problems by diving into someone else's. Yes, please. Let's ignore away.

Courtney:

Are you still awake?

I want to hear this report.

A second later her phone rang. She put it on speakerphone and dropped it onto her comforter.

"Hey, Wise Ole Sage," Micah answered.

"Hey, Idiot Adventurer, how'd it go?"

"She already had something to drink."

Courtney flopped one arm over her eyes, able to imagine all too clearly Micah panicking and walking away.

"What did you do?" she asked.

"I handed it to Blake and said, 'hey I'm Micah, here's something to drink'."

Unable to help it, Courtney burst out laughing. A man of surprises this one.

"That's bold. What did he do or say?"

"He said thanks and took the drink. Max seemed surprised but I think it was a good thing."

"It most likely was, every girl likes a guy who is confident. What happened after that?"

"I hung around and tried to be part of the conversation as much as I could. You weren't lying Blake does give off a bad boy vibe."

Courtney smiled and realized she was doing so even though no one could see her.

"He does. I fell for it sophomore year. But I found out real quickly that the bad boy thing doesn't go away and it's annoying after a while."

"Why do girls fall for it then?"

Courtney dropped her arm over her head and twirled a strand of hair.

"I think every girl wants to think that because she is beautiful enough, or her personality is stronger enough that she can change the 'bad boy' with who she is. Or make him fall in love with her and fix him because of her love. A girl trying to fix a guy is the oldest ploy in the book."

"Is that what's happening here, Wise Ole Sage?"

Again, Courtney found herself laughing and it released some of the weariness she felt.

"No, Micah. I'm fixing your clothes. You don't need to completely change who you are. You're pretty wonderful the way you are right now."

Silence followed this statement. Courtney smiled, imagining Micah blushing. But when the silence continued, she dropped her grin.

"You don't believe me, do you?" she asked.

A beat.

"Not really."

"I get that. Sometimes the truth is the hardest thing to accept."

"That's kinda profound."

"Wise Ole Sage here, remember?"

"Right."

Truth often took time to be absorbed. Best to move on to something easier to digest.

"Besides hanging out with Max and bad boy Blake did you enjoy the party?" Courtney asked.

"Yeah, I did. Everyone did too."

"Okay, I know Juan, Sophie. I learned Henry's name Friday. Camila is in my history class, she sits two seats behind me-"

"How do you know that?" Micah asked.

"Easy, she wears cute shirt and skirt combos."

"Is that how you know people? By their clothes."

"Usually. It's the first thing I notice. Clothes say a lot about you."

"Is that how you noticed me?"

"Yeah," Courtney said. "You wore this graphic t-shirt with a quote by Oscar Wilde, 'all of us are in the gutter but some of us are staring at the stars'."

"I haven't had that t-shirt since Sophomore year." He paused. "Wait, you've noticed me since sophomore year?"

Put like that it sounded almost stalkerish.

"Uh, yeah. Like I said I notice clothes and I liked some of yours."

Another gap of silence. Oh my gosh, was he freaking out that she noticed him as much as she did? Maybe he was rethinking letting her into his house. After all now she knew where he slept and could conveniently kill him in his sleep. Except for the fact that she wasn't a stalker and his house most likely had the highest security system there was.

"Idiot Adventurer?" Courtney asked.

"Uh...yeah...I didn't think that you would notice me. That's usually reserved for Denzel."

"True, but your brother didn't wear interesting quotes. He's more of a basic-solid-color shirt type of guy. Nothing interesting there."

When Micah didn't respond Courtney wondered what he was thinking. Silence in person was far easier to interpret than over the phone. She couldn't see him. But asking to FaceTime him now would just sound sooooo weird.

"Whose the other guy that came with you?" Courtney asked, deciding a change in the subject or reverting to an old one might be the best tactic here.

"Damon," Micah said.

"Damon. Good to know. Did he have fun?" Courtney asked.

"Yeah, they all did. It's one of the first times we've been to a party like that. Normally it's just us hanging out. Though Sophie thought it interesting you didn't have alcohol. I thought so too. Isn't that typical for popular parties?"

"Yeah, but I discovered early on that the smell of alcohol makes me nauseous. Couldn't do anything about it for other parties besides not drink but for mine, I didn't have to have it. I figured my friends could still have fun without being drunk."

It was one of the many things Courtney had learned about parties. The others: snacks that didn't leave residue on fingers, individual drinks - two-liter soda bottles spilled too easily, hide the breakables, avoid Spin The Bottle and Seven Minutes In Heaven and you'll avoid creating unwanted drama.

"My parents," Micah said, "have taken the viewpoint of letting us have a little bit at dinner with them. It's made alcohol not a big deal and took away the desire to rebel and drink it."

"Smart parents."

"They are." A short break. "Did you enjoy the party?"

Courtney didn't answer because she didn't want to lie to him. She stopped twisting a strand of her hair and laid there, motionless. That night had been...not what she'd expected.

"I saw Aiden was there," Micah said, quietly.

She felt her lips curl at the softness in his tone.

"Yeah...he was and it...was...

Now, who was speaking in broken sentences? Which hadn't been Micah this whole time. Huh.

"Do you miss him?" Micah asked.

"No. That's weird, right?"

The question slipped out before Courtney could think about it. What the heck, Micah had already seen her at her lowest, couldn't get any lower, right? Maybe he'd be the wise wizard she'd meant to come across on the quest she planned to take.

"Kinda," Micah said. "All my sister Destiny can talk about is how much she misses her boyfriend and they were dating for only a few months. How long were you two together?"

"Six months."

"Woah."

"Yeah."

Neither of them spoke. But really what was there to say, it didn't make sense from the outside. How did you explain that trying to be perfect took the romance out of everything?

"He was the first boyfriend I ever had, did you know that?" she asked.

"Seriously? I thought that with you being...you know...that you'd have...umm...yeah."

Courtney curled onto her side, laughing softly.

"I know. But I was awkward in Freshman year and I saw how the eventual outcome of heartbreak seemed to outweigh the positives. From that observation, I decided it didn't seem worth it."

"That sounds very analytical."

"I blame my dad, 'analyse every facet before making a decision'.

"What changed your mind about Aiden then?"

Courtney sighed. "He's the captain of the football team, hot, wanted by almost every other girl."

She thought of her first date with Aiden and feeling like she was going to throw up because she was so nervous. But if she was that nervous was that actually a good sign or a bad one?

She'd gotten more comfortable with him but had it ever felt really comfortable? Like talking with Micah right then, comfortable?

"So you fell for him like every girl falls for Blake the bad boy?" Micah asked, pulling her from her internal dilemma.

"Yeah, I think so."

"What changed then?"

"I don't know. But I think it was me, I guess. Little by little." Until it was gone. Jeez, why can't this situation make more sense and be easier to deal with? "Do you think that's just what happens in relationships?"

"It's almost two in the morning, I think it's a little late to get into a discussion about love and how when the spark leaves if there isn't an underlining base of respect and commitment it won't last."

Okay then!

"Sounds like you could get into a discussion about this."

Micah chuckled. "Yeah, my family has Dinner Table Debates."

"Another time then."

"Another time. 'Night, Wise Ole Sage."

"'Night, Idiot Adventurer."

The line went dead and Courtney smiled to herself. At least the night ended on a good note.

**********************************************************************

Banana biscuits! What a chapter!

Spill the tea, soup, coffee, and cream! I want to know your take on the whole Aiden situation! 💬🗯💭☕️🫖

Also he kissed her!?! What *runs around waving my arms* This is so utterly shocking! What are we going to do! Should we kill him? Or have we softened to him? Or are we Loki and stuck in a limbo where we're just falling for thirty minutes!

*flops to the floor* Oh boy! So many emotions, I feel like Cory, I don't even know what to think!

*Sits up and crosses my legs trying to portray a sense of zen* Now on to less dramatic discussions: Micah.

A phone conversation where he barely talked in broken sentences! Is this a sign of something? Is Joy simply messing with you to break your heart later on? Do you wish for something? Do you wish I wouldn't be so mean? 😏

*Takes a breath* Letting all the emotions out and breathing in peace.

Now question of the chapter! Ooohhh I'm so excited to get back to this tradition! Even though it was asked to me, answer as well!

Question from AbbieKing86 Wildlife Safari or Beach Holiday?

Answer: Beach! 100% I'm a California girl born and raised (until I moved) but I love the beach! It's relaxing (but if you're Carter and Donovan boring to the point of needing to find a fight to make it less boring.) Still I love it!

(My characters from A Secret Service and a chapter referenced in their Open Case File book, for those of you who have no idea who they are. Which if you don't! Oh my gosh how did you find me?!)

Pannunga, pannunga, pannunga! Vaanga! Ungalaale mudiyum! (Tamil)

What book made yo relate to this? ☝️