★☆☆☆☆ - needs more gays

{Sort of a crackfic?? Idk but it's definitely on the sillier side lol}

"We're here!"

OJ led his boyfriend right in front of the restaurant he'd reserved for the two, an excited gleam in his eyes. The place certainly looked... pretty fancy, blinding neon lights making it stand out amongst the other buildings in the street. It was painted entirely in a clean coat of mauve; a shade of it that made the establishment seem daunting, inviting, and exclusive all at once.

Once they'd entered the building, a seashell greeted them, gliding confidently across the room and stopping right in front of the couple. She was a wonderfully polite girl, the smile never slipping off her face as she showed them to their seats, before bowing and walking away.

Once she was out of earshot, OJ's eyes flickered back to Paper, a small, slightly nervous smile on his face.

"Nice place, huh?"

Paper looked up from the menu he was holding, an equally nervous smile on his own face, but he still appreciated the overall novelty of it all.

"Yeah, I guess it is... I- I might be a bit paranoid or something, but doesn't it feel.. I dunno, off?"

OJ glanced around the restaurant again, at all the other objects chatting away at their respective tables, his eyes landing back on Paper as he nodded.

"Yeah, now that you mentioned it... it sorta does. But it's probably just a feeling..."

A few more minutes of slightly awkward silence passed between them, with OJ burying his face in his menu, until someone finally came over to take their order.

"What can I get you two today, hm?"

"Ah, well can I get a-"

OJ then realised just who he was looking at, freezing mid-sentence as his jaw dropped to the floor.

"...SILVER SPOON?!"

Silver chuckled a little at how surprised OJ seemed to see him there, gesturing to himself like he was the most divine object to exist.

"Why yes, it is I! Silver Spoon, at your service! My surprise appearance has elevated your enjoyment on this date of yours to a whole new level, hasn't it?"

OJ wanted to punch him so damn badly. What was Silver DOING here? SILVER of all people?!-

"Uhh... who are you again?"

Paper seemed... genuinely confused, earning an offended scoff as the arrogant spoon pointed to himself.

"You don't recognise me? My my, what a shame! I'm only the man who dethroned the KING of Inanimate Insanity!-"

Oh, OJ would've given anything and everything to disappear right there and then, gripping his head in his hands as Paper tried to wrap his head around it all.

"Oh... you're the... the season three guy, right? What are you doing here?"

Silver rolled his eyes at the nickname, but gladly answered his question.

"Well, I wanted a bit of a change of pace. Cabby's Library is... fine, but nothing interesting happens there. Hotel OJ is the exact opposite, there's chaos at every corner! But this restaurant seemed like a good place to take my talents. Sure, I may be but a humble waiter now, but mark my words - I WILL make my way to the top!"

Was he being extra annoying today on purpose? OJ wouldn't be surprised if he was.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever... look, can we please just get a spinach soufflé and... what was it you wanted, love?"

"Uhh... just tomato soup..."

"Yeah, and tomato soup."

Silver Spoon made a note of the order, waving them goodbye as he walked away with a prideful smile.

"Ta-ta now! Enjoy your meal!"

OJ glanced back at Paper, a slightly worried expression on his face. What was that all about? When did Silver start working here?-

"This is... all so weird... wasn't he at the hotel when we left?"

"Was he? I haven't seen him around in a while."

"I'm fairly sure he was there-"

"Here you go!~"

Wait, what. It hadn't even been one minute, HOW was their food already done- and was that Lightbulb?!-

It looked... delicious. The soup was perfectly stirred, thick and well-blended... OJ was just as surprised when he laid eyes on his own meal, shaking his head in confusion.

"Uhm... well... bon appetit?"

Paper picked up a spoon, dipping it in his soup and raising it to his lips-

Before immediately spitting it out, coughing and gagging, trying to force the rest of its taste out of his mouth as OJ's eyes widened in alarm.

"Oh my god, Paper, what's going on?!-"

Once he was sure the soup had been cleansed from his mouth, he took a sip of the water bottle he was now extremely glad he thought to bring and slammed it on the table.

"OJ, THERE'S DETERGENT IN MY DAMN SOUP!-"

His face shifted from concerned confusion to absolute fury in just a few seconds.

"...I'm sorry there's what?-"

"I'M SERIOUS! Try yours!-"

OJ was a little scared of taking a bite into his soufflé now, but he did so nonetheless, and was shocked to find himself desperately trying to force it out of his system as well- what the fuck was going on here?

"...I could probably sue this place for that...  that's a health hazard..."

He reached over to grab the water bottle, chugging as much of it as his mouth would allow before setting it down on the table again.

"...I'm just glad we haven't paid yet."

Paper nodded along, taking a deep breath. At least it couldn't get any worse, right?

Right?

No, of course it could get worse, because one look behind OJ told him that Salt herself was sitting behind the two, a menu spread across her face in a poor attempt to hide it. Her cap was still sticking out.

"Salt. I know you're there..."

The colour drained from OJ's face faster than he could blink.

He whipped around in an instant, seeing her cap just above the menu... he was completely, unmistakably horrified.

"Uhm! No I'm not!"

"Salt, we can see your cap-"

"Uhhh... that's Pepper...?"

Paper just facepalmed, getting up from his seat and taking OJ by the wrist, dragging him out of the restaurant.

"NO! WAIT! WAAAIITTTT!"

The voice was... Fan's? Oh great, was he here too?-

Wait- no... no, there was no way-

"Fan? What are you..."

"CUT! CUT, EVERYONE CUT!"

A couple objects in the restaurant groaned, getting up from their seats and heading for the door. This only confused the couple even more.

"...Fan, what were you-"

"Listen, I can explain! When Salt heard about your date, she said she was gonna ruin it! And that was not happening on my watch, so we all got jobs at the restaurant you two planned to go to so we could make sure nothing goes wrong! Except Silver, he already worked here."

Paper was absolutely speechless, jaw wide open as he gazed at Fan, the fury in his eyes speaking volumes.

"Well... your little plan sorta backfired, don't you think?"

Fan looked a little sheepish, nodding along as he rubbed the back of his head.

"Ah... well..."

Paper groaned at the absurdity of what had just happened, shaking his head, whilst OJ did his best to reassure him.

"Uhm... well... at least your heart was in the right place, I guess...? We know you meant well..."

Fan perked up a little as he was forgiven, heading out with Test Tube and Lightbulb once he spotted them.

"Well... that was certainly a disaster."

"Yep. Couldn't agree more."

"Still gonna leave 'em a one star review, though. I don't care if that ruined date was just 'cause of the residents being idiots."

The two chuckled as OJ pulled out his phone, exchanging giggles and happy smiles as they started on the journey back home.

"Hey... maybe we should just make dinner ourselves when we get back, yeah?"

"You mean you'll make dinner... if you let me near the kitchen, I'd burn the hotel down."

"Fair enough..."

Paper seemed just a tad upset about everything... which OJ noticed, as he always did, slipping a hand into his as he spoke.

"Hey. It'll be way better than whatever those morons who call themselves chefs could make, anyway. I know it. Plus, we can have Netflix cuddles right after."

And just like that, Paper was right back to feeling cheerful again... funny how just a few words from his boyfriend could make or break his whole mood.

"Alright... sounds good. I get to pick the movie though, since your restaurant idea was a bust."

"Understood... I can't wait."