Nilgri

"Prayer is when you talk to God. Meditation is when you're listening. Playing the piano allows you to do both at the same time." - Kelsey Grammer

When we left the church my shoulders felt lighter and the ache in my muscles had gone. I stood in front of the mirror observing the pink cheeked girl staring back at me. She has a glow about her, subtle and beautiful, swirling like a pearl in the sun. Her eyes were moist with the sheen of glistening tears, stubbornly refusing to fall. This small and yet significant change astounded me. I never knew that it was possible to feel again. The numbness has settled in my bones, the expression of love was more than just an unfamiliarity, it was a frightening, life threatening feeling I refused to believe in.

And yet here I was, watching this gradual change in myself. I was beginning to accept change and accept myself for who I am. For the first time since my heart was broken, I could see the future beyond each hour I would reluctantly live through. There were many a time I had contemplated ending my miserable life but I had this nagging feeling each time I was faced with death, that something, or someone was holding me back. Protecting me.

Maybe fate was real, and I was meant to meet Dylan. Maybe he was my saving grace. Saving me from myself. Dylan was sitting by the window staring out, when I finally exited the bathroom. He didn't notice my presence till I gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

Quickly wiping the lone tear that escaped his eyes he turned to smile at me. "I've booked a concert tonight. I think you'd enjoy it." He smiled. This time however the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. He was trying his hardest to be strong for me, still a stranger, while being strong for himself. I took his hand and led him to the bed. Pulling he sheets back I climbed in, beckoning him to join me. Kicking off his shoes he pulled the covers over us. We sat, his arm around my shoulders, against the headboard and his cheek resting on my head. I pulled out my notebook.

Talk to me.

"I don't really have anything to say." He murmured.

You always have something to say. I can see your eyes Dylan. The pain in them, that's what I have felt my entire life. I've never been able to confide in people, never trusted them. Yet with you, I feel vulnerable because I'm showing you my bare soul. I'm trusting you. Trust me too.

"This is different. Your pain in because you lost someone. My pain, doesn't compare." He replied sadly.

Whatever it is, it's big enough to hurt you. For you to use antidepressants and to feel that pain. I know you're only trying to be strong for me, but I don't want that. I want you to be strong for YOU.

He sighed deeply but didn't speak. Moments passed and neither of us conversed. Painfully I picked up my pen and wrote. I wrote my heart down on paper, I wrote down what I couldn't face let alone face my whole life.

I was 8 when it happened. The day I saw my best friend get killed. We were playing out on the streets after school like we did everyday. She was the kindest soul I knew, so loving and giving. She was the light in my life, the one person who knew me better than I knew myself. My sister protected me from every dark thing there was out there. At night she would cuddle me when I had a nightmare, or even just because I wanted her to. She would wait for me after school so we could walk home together. If I was getting picked on at school she'd be there to wipe the tears and scold the bullies. She was my hero, the girl I wished to grow to be.

I relive the day she was killed every night like a broken tape stuck on the same song. Each night I see her getting hit by a car in a painfully slow motion. My heart clenches every time I watch her fall and hit her head on the road. I hear my screams as I run to her, hoping that I could hear her breathe. The sound of metal against bone is deafening against the sound of my own thoughts. The moment she pushed me out of the card trajectory was the day my life stopped. She died that day, and so did I. Since that day I couldn't speak, the words they just were stuck in my throat. I shut myself away, stumbling through school till I was graduating, an event that held no meaning to mean except the promise I made to her. She made me promise that no matter what I would graduate high school and then college. I never made it to college. She was gone so the promise was void and I never found the courage to carry on.

"Elise. I'm so sorry. I had no idea." Dylan squeezed me tightly.

How could you. I told no one.

"I don't know what to say." He admitted.

Nothing. You have shown me that I have the strength to face what haunts me everyday. You have shown me that I am strong and so are you. I don't expect you to say what is causing you pain today, but tomorrow, the day after, a few weeks from now? I will wait till you trust me enough to share your pain.

"I knew you were amazing before, but now you're more than I could have imagined. Thank you for being you Elise." He kissed the tears I didn't know had fallen from my cheeks, taking away the pain through his touch.

I didn't know when we had fallen asleep, but I woke up to see the sun had gone to sleep and the moon took its place. Lying there in Dylan's arms was the safest place I could be. I snuggled closed to his warmth, under his caring aura. Since my sister passed the way I looked at the world was more than just the physical mechanisms of life. I began to think, really think about people and their ways. In so many ways I wanted to reach out for help, to show that I was drowning but no one came. My own family deserted me in a sense, while the tea of humanity turned a blind eye.

To them I was just a mute girl, with a weird outlook on life. With Dylan, I felt like I was a person, someone who meant something in this vast place and for that I'd be forever indebted to him. Since I was awake I slid out from the bed and decided to get ready for the concert. I decided to actually make an effort to dress up so I scribbled a note, leaving it on the bed and ventured out to find an appropriate outfit.

I wandered the bustling streets of the town before settling on a reasonably priced shop. I returned with a simple, short black dress with a  criss crossed back. My overly long brunette hair fell down my back, curling gently at the ends. I hadn't let my hair loose in a long time because I was frustrated with the maintenance required to keep it down. I would have cut it a long time ago but another promise my sister made me keep was to never cut my locks. She was always jealous of my thick curly hair while she maintained her pin straight black hair.

"Oh Elise. You look wonderful!" Dylan grinned as I exited the bathroom. I nervously played with my fingers as he gave my outfit the once over. He strode over to me, his taller frame towering over me. Grabbing a lock of curls he ran his fingers down the soft hair. "Beautiful." He murmured.

"I should probably get ready." He smiled, picking his shirt from behind the chair behind me. I just nodded and took a seat at the desk to write in my notebook. Throughout the whirlwind of a road-trip, I had almost forgotten the falling apart, leather bound book that had manage to bury itself at the bottom of my bag. I flicked through the older entries, seeing how in just a few days I had changed so much of myself.

I had become more open, more trusting, more caring. I was evolving, growing and rebuilding. It was going to be a slow, long process, but I was confident that I could eventually find a place where I was happy with who I was. I glanced over to Dylan who was putting the pristine white shirt on. Along his spine were beautifully inked symbols, each placed purposefully on his back. I wanted to ask him about the tattoos, but I felt it was still too personal.

Quickly I turned away, pretending to be focused on writing, when he turned to me. "Shall we go?" He asked. I nodded, but noticed his tie was still undone. I rolled my eyes and got up to help him out. He laughed awkwardly as I looped the two ends to produce the perfect knot. "I never really knew how to tie one." He looked cute as he smiled, embarrassed. We reached the theatre where all the guests were heading into, looking smartly dressed and put together. "Ma'am." Dylan offered me his arm we walked up the stairs. I hugged his arm close to me, for fear of losing him in the crowd.

Once our tickets were checked, we took our seats facing the stage. Dylan had bought the most sought after seats, the ones closest to the stage and it's private viewing platform. I raised an eyebrow at him. "What? This had to be the best experience I could possibly show you." This boy seemed to have an endless stream of money, which made me question that the café couldn't possibly be his only source of income.

I didn't give it much thought however, since the performance was about to start. On the stage was a lone grand piano, shiny and proud sitting in the middle all attention on the man sitting on the stool in front of it. As soon as he started playing, the hall was filled with such melodious music I couldn't believe it. I was lost in the emotion of the changing tempo and notes. I was filled with a sense of calm as the music chased  away the bad thoughts from my mind. I felt as though someone was trying to communicate with me, telling me to let go. To let myself be free of everything. To cut of the shackles that restrained me from flying.

The monsters in my head stood still as he tapped the keys. I was at peace.

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It's a beautiful day today, so I thought I'd upload another chapter! I'm in such a good mood when the sun is shining and the weather is hot. Oh how I love the sun!

Piano has been a part of my life for so long now, whether I've been playing it or listening to it whilst studying for exams. It's such a nice therapeutic way to ease the tension and the jumbled thoughts in my head. I feel like I can think clearer because it smooths out all the wrinkles in my thoughts. I don't know, I just love the piano. Being away from home means that I can't play, but I always have that itching desire to listen to it some way or another.

Comment below what calms you down. Or what helps you feel at ease.