Matcha

"There is a sound that comes from gospel music that doesn't come from anything else. It is a sound of peace. It is a sound of, 'I'm going to make it through all of this.' " - Yolanda Adams

Since the incident I vowed never to step foot into a place of worship. I had lost my faith in God and humanity that day, so when Dylan told me our next adventure was to the church I vehemently disagreed.

I can't go. I scribbled furiously.

"Come on it's not that bad." He tried to reason with me.

There is no way you're going to get me to that church. I can't.

"Do you trust me?" He asked, taking my cold hands in his. I nodded slowly. "Then let me show you." It took a few more hours of convincing before I allowed him to take me to this church he praised so much. I lay in bed, reliving those terrible moment that changed my life in the worst possible way.

I had never felt more alone and more conflicted about my beliefs. Everything I had loved and enjoyed seemed foreign to me, whilst the sadness and anger was a familiar presence in my heart; spending many a night in the same fetal position as I was today staring at the past I could never change. It was a stain on my conscience, one that not even the deepest of loves could remove. When something so tragic as that day occurs, your faith is being tested; I failed. I failed the test because I couldn't see beyond the anger that blurred my vision of Him.

I was furious at him; he didn't deserve my love, my loyalty when he ruined me. There was no going back and it was all his fault.

"You don't believe in God do you?" Dylan asked, sitting on the bed beside me. I shook my head in response. "Why?"

A long time ago I lost someone. They meant the world to me and I was devastated when they were gone. I knew God was wrong to take someone so beautiful from this world so I couldn't bring myself to trust His judgement. So I stopped talking to Him and to the world. He is ugly just like everyone else in the world who turned a blind eye to what happened and to my grief.

"Then talk to me. Tell me about your grief, about your pain. Let me translate God's love for you." Dylan took my hands, facing me with an earnest expression on his face.

I don't know if I can. It's too painful.

"You have to open up to someone."

Have you?

"What do you mean?" He frowned.

I saw the antidepressants in your car. I admitted. His face showed a momentary flash of surprise before relaxing his muscles.

"It was a long time ago."

You're a bad liar. The prescription was recent.

"I don't want to talk about it." He sighed, turning away from me. I touched his shoulder, typing a few words on my phone before showing it to him.

Then you're a hypocrite.

"I know." He hung his hand shamefully.

Let's just get this day over and done with okay?

"Yeah let's do this." He clutched my hand tightly as if it gave him the courage to face his own demons. Even the brightest of stars have their dark side, a core burning so bright it turns black. We have a persona we wish to show the world, the same persona that we question behind closed closed and within the comfort of ours homes. Dylan was that star. He shine bigger and brighter than anyone I had ever laid eyes on, a real person who projected light despite the anguish tearing through his own heart. If he was so determined to fix me, then I could only do the same. Perhaps going to the church was something we both needed. A comfort we both needed to feel to be whole again. The day we were born was the last time our souls were complete, age and time have cut and scarred our souls, strengthening and yet weakening it. It was time to restore what fragments we had left to feel alive again.

We arrived at the church a little while later, standing in one of the last few pews waiting for the sermons to be finished. Suddenly a group of women entered the stage. They were wearing brightly colours robes, accompanied by big grins and a projection of dynamic energy across the room. They stood proud on the stage, solid in the faith and strong in their beliefs. These were women who knew themselves, who had given their everything and in return got to shine. In front of me was a constellation brighter than Crux, emitting such a force nobody could deny.

Without any announcement the women burst into song. Their melodies were backed up by the saxophone and piano, lighting up the room with music that made each one of my cell want to dance along. Soon enough both Dylan and I were bobbing to the beat and clapping in time to the words.

The verses of praise and pray loosened my muscles, as I began to feel his energy within me. I could feel him all around my body, bouncing of everyone beside me. The music was too catchy not dance along, and the energy was infectious. I noticed Dylan grinned widely at me as he attempted to sing along, his eyes widening before settling back to his happy self.

I closed my eyes, taking in His great presence. It was the first time I had ever felt Him in me, beating my heart, pumping my blood, breaking the brick wall around my scared soul coaxing it into the light. I could feel His power, so overwhelmingly brilliant that tears leaked from my eyes. When I opened my eyes again, everything seemed clearer. It was as if I was living my whole life with thick glasses; blurring my vision and causing me pain.

For the first time I cried happy tears. I cried because I could feel the beat of my heart again, the feeling in my fingertips was restored and I could see. Really truly see.

-------------------------------------------------------

A new chapter! Surprised right? Yeah me too. It's a short but sweet chapter, one that has had more meaning to me than any I have written. Side note, were half way through this story!! Woop, woop we've reached the half way milestone. Treat yo'self, on me ;)

Today I was reminded that life is too short. That it can be snatched from you in an instance, which is why we have to treasure all that we have and truly believe we're happy. Love your family, your friends, anyone close to you. Let them know you care. Let them know who you really are. Be thankful, grateful. Do the things you want to do, because life is too short for regrets.

Death is tragic, but in the face of such adversity we should be able to do as much as we can to make us happy. In the end, money, clothes, electronics, are just materialistic things we're privileged to have. Happiness is not materialistic and everyone can have it.

So love your life, love yourself. Be brave and be strong. Have faith that the bad periods will pass and you'll be able to see the light again. I promise you the darkness will only make you stronger when you're finally in the light.

Lots of love

Neha xx

(Comment below what you do that makes you happy. I want to know)