Lapsang Souchong

"The purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our souls." - Pablo Picasso

Spending the day at the orphanage reminded me that although my family had broken down didn't mean I couldn't build myself a new one. The world was a dangerous place to have no one to love. Dylan and I were polar opposites in every way. He wore his heart on his sleeve, wasn't afraid to share the love he had to offer, while I caged mine and threw away the key. All the while feeling like our souls were two halves of a whole. There was something within him that had awakened my stilled heart and my soul was reaching out to finally be loved.

"What were you like before you stopped speaking?" Dylan asked me at breakfast the next day.

The old Elise died a long time ago. I don't even remember what she was like.

"The old Elise maybe gone, doesn't mean you can't reinvent yourself."

It's too late. I've travelled too far into this black hole that I don't think I'll ever see the light.

"Don't ever say that. It's never too late to find yourself. We're constantly changing as our repertoire of experiences grows. Just as the leaves fall in the winter and grow again in the spring you can always grow into someone new. Change is never a bad thing."

Some changes are.

"Like what?"

Like death.

"Death is a natural process. It's the circle of life that has to be restored. Without death and birth the world cannot progress. The same way we take from the earth, we have to give back. Men are selfish. We have taken things that belong to the earth, we are destroying the very existence that brought us to life. So death is nature's way of taking what back what we have deprived it of. We cannot stop it so why not just accept it."

I don't know if I can.

"There isn't a question of if you can, you have to. You have to accept that death is an inevitability so instead of being sad about it, rejoice the life they have lived because that's what life is about. Celebrating what we have, keeping it close to remind us how rich we truly are. It's the emotions, the memories, the wind around us that creates our wealth. We are nature's children, so she will keep us safe and warm till the time is right and we return to her again." He smiled gently at me, caressing my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned further into his warmth, allowing myself to be wrapped up in his arms.

I used to paint. I confessed, looking up at him as my head rested in his arms.

"I know just the place to go," he winked at me. After a leisurely breakfast with the orphaned kids, he drove us into the town. We window shopped till Dylan declared it fit for us to make our way to his proposed venue. The local painting class was holding a group session in the town hall and Dylan was excited to take me there despite confessing he was terrible at anything mildly creative. I just rolled my eyes and followed him to the hall.

Rows and rows of canvas were standing against easels, with a long table filled with paint pots lined the walls. I nudged Dylan to the back row, mostly because I wanted as little interaction with these people as possible. Within a few minutes the hall had filled with youngsters and the elderly with everyone in between too. It was quite heartwarming to see a community come together to create something beautiful for their lives. When we snagged two canvas for ourselves we proceeded to fill our palates with paint and collect paintbrushes. Except when I sat down to paint, my mind blanked.

For what felt like hours I stared at a blank canvas, pristinely stained white, ready to be filled with colours of my imagination. I set my tools down and just sat there, completely confused and upset over something that used to fill me with such joy.

"What's wrong?" Dylan asked, looking over to my fresh canvas.

I don't know what to paint. I glanced at his canvas  upon which he had painted the beginnings of a field and a tree trunk.

"Close your eyes and feel the canvas. Allow your mind to focus on the threading, the grooves. How rough and yet soft it feels under your fingertips. Take a deep breath and open your mind. It'll come naturally."

As my hand gently caressed the canvas, my eyes opened. I picked up the paint and brush before tainting the innocent canvas with my thoughts. Colour after colour, layer after layer, I immortalised my thoughts. I breathed in the slightly toxic acrylic fumes as my hands moved of their own accord across the paper. Around me, the earth had become silent as each deafening swipe of the brush blocked out everyone else. The familiar weight of wooden brush between my hands felt natural with every slight movement of the hairs. My soul was rejoicing inside, eating what it had been deprived from for so many torturous years.

Each swipe caused my hand to move across every inch of the 24 by 30, tainting the purity of this canvas. I felt the ugliness of my heart seep onto the paper, as my soul bled on to the white. The acrylic fumes nourished my sinuses, cleansing me from within. Hours passed and my hands still hadn't stopped its work despite the increasing amounts of paint I was covering my fingertips in. Passion for painting may have been the old me, but I was beginning to like the steady familiarity with each stroke. At the same time however, I felt like I was discovering new parts of myself through the colours I applied to the canvas.

I took one last deep breath before leaning back on my stool to inspect my work. "That looks amazing Elise." Dylan breathed as he stood behind me, his hands resting on my stiff shoulders gently massaging the tight knots in my muscles. "I love how the paint combines with each other, so delicately and meticulously yet randomly but gracefully. You can get lost in another world just by looking at your piece."

I rose to stand beside him and admire the art my heart had created. The deep purple merged with the navy, black and grey. Swirling together with the splashes of sky blue and lavender, injecting life back into the dark and infinite depth of the galaxy I had just painted. Among the holes of nothingness shone bright stars, restoring the balance of the universe; between life and death. One particular star shone brighter than the others, its burning passion hotter than the rest. This little star between its brothers and sisters projected the same light that Dylan had bathed me in and I felt alive under his heat.

"This is truly something," one woman, who came to see my work, said. Soon a small crowd had gathered around my artwork to witness for themselves 'a masterpiece' I never knew I could create. I was baring my soul to the world and they loved what they saw. The canvas represented every emotion I had felt, every period in my life I endured or loved. This was truly my life and it felt exhilarating to let it free.

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Sorry for the delay in trying to get this chapter out. When trying to write a book like this one takes a lot of time, and thought. So despite my guarantee to update Shades of Tea every fortnight, I now know I can't promise anything. With uni, social life and exams in between updating this story and 15.06 I don't really have much time to actually think. Having said that we're almost half way through this book which is a milestone to say the least. I know this book has taken a long time to write as a whole but sometimes there are days, or weeks where you just don't have the motivation to write, or you don't know how to write.

I've known from the beginning where I want to take these characters but the words don't always come easily. I want each chapter to try and convey a message I believe to be important, a message I try to apply to my own life as well. It's easy to just throw a chapter out there but it's not so easy to be able to make it a great chapter. I still have a long way to go with this book, and with writing in itself, but I'm confident I can get there with your help of course.

So please comment below your thoughts because it'll really help me, and help you when it comes to your reading experience, to make this book the best as it can be. Let me know of your experiences I life- I'd like to interact with you guys more. So if you're up for talking drop me a message and I'll reply as soon as possible :)

Thank you my lovelies

Neha