Chapter 485: Celebrity in Training

“Let’s come up with a catchphrase!”

Jack groaned. Brock groaned. Even The Stone in Jack’s inner world groaned.

As it turned out, being famous was hard work. Starhair had been assigned as Jack and Brock’s personal assistant, but there was a different person working on their public image. Her name was Sophie, and she was so insufferably full of energy that Jack considered giving her The Stone.

Sophie was an E-Grade djinn: toddler-sized, blue-skinned, wearing silken robes which sometimes revealed what little she had to hide, and with a pink turban on her head, under which cascaded brown hair. She wasn’t bad; in fact, Jack quite liked her company. It was just that she was so damn excited to get her work done.

She had arrived to their mansion shortly after they had, and she brought with her a storm. There were a dozen members of staff ranging from photographers and videographers carrying projection stones, to make-up artists and accompanying beautiful models. Before Jack knew it, he was taking pictures and videos with the models—only one of which was a human—in various poses and attires. Sophie was running around, scheduling Brock’s photo session, maximizing their time together.

It was so disorientingly before-the-System, that Jack briefly wondered if he was still a PhD student on Earth, dreaming up everything about robots and cultivators and planet-shattering fists. Then again, this wasn’t the life of PhD students, either.

“Is this really necessary?” he asked as Sophie sat them down at their fluffy couch, eating their gum worms spread over the counter. Jack still didn’t like those.

“Not necessary, but a very good idea!” she replied, taking a bite off the worm in her palm. Due to her small size, she couldn’t slurp them up in one go. She chomped happily. “A catchphrase makes you easier to relate to,” she said. “It’s free real estate in the minds of your fans!”

“...Like what?” Brock asked.

“Something simple, yet powerful. Memorable. How about… I’ll punch you up! No, too meh. Prepare to be destroyed? We can also try something corny, like Only my punch is eternal!”

Jack and Brock glanced at each other. “No offense, but those are all terrible,” Jack said.

“That’s okay. It will definitely sound terrible to you, but your fans have a different perspective. Anyway, we’ll figure something out. Brock is easier. I remember something you said in one of the projections… Bro army, assemble!”

Brock gave her an apprehensive glance. “Why do I need a catchphrase? Bro is the celebrity.”

“Both of you are. You’re a duo. We need to prop you both up and make the fans debate who is cooler between you. That way, they will never consider following other celebrities.”

“What other celebrities?” Jack asked.

“The Arch Priestess, for example. Or Sovereign Heavenly Spoon.” A dreamy look briefly entered her eyes, then disappeared. “Your competition is hard, but you are harder! Oh, maybe that should be your catchphrase, Jack. I’m hard.”

“...You’re just messing with me, aren’t you?”

She laughed. “Anyway, try to come up with something. I’ll also prepare a few alternatives by tomorrow—we need to get this done as soon as possible to implement it in our campaign.”

“I know I will regret this,” Jack said, “but what campaign are we doing, exactly?”

“All sorts of things. There are newsletters, projections, audio broadcasts, paid storytellers and bards… We are even preparing a series of plushies and t-shirts. The audience is receptive to you, so we scale quickly.”

“You are making plushies? And t-shirts?”

“Oh yeah! The pre-orders for the Brock plushie are through the roof. The Jack one… Well, in any case, we have a lot of things to work on. The galaxy wasn’t built in a day, so if we want to scale up, we need to rush rush rush!”

Jack groaned again, pressing his eyes shut. “Can we just shush shush shush for a moment? My head is about to explode.”

“That’s fine. Just remember to— Oh, hi Starhair. Is the clonemancer here already?”

“Yes,” Starhair said, stepping through the door. He was followed by an elderly, green-skinned cultivator whose head split into two like the humps of a camel. Jack vaguely recognized this species as Bactrian, and the only reason he could tell this person’s age was the tell-tale white beard hanging from his chin. He was also a peak B-Grade.

“Hello,” said the bactrian. “My name is Envoy Yoshi. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”

“The pleasure’s all ours. I’m Jack, and this is Brock.”

“Oh, I’m well aware,” the bactrian said. He reached into his bag and removed what seemed suspiciously similar to human body parts. “Don’t mind me,” he said. “Do your business, and I’ll just be over here setting up.”

“Are those…” Jack trailed, but the bactrian shook his big, green head.

“Artificial, obviously. Clone parts made of highly-compressed life energy. These materials alone cost an astronomical amount, so let me congratulate you in advance about your new clone.”

Jack’s heart beat faster. “And we can start now?”

“Just a second, let me finish here.”

“My fist is inevitable!” Sophie cried out. “What do you think about that, Jack?”

“It’s not bad, but let’s think about it a little more.”

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“Alright.”

“How about You deserve a good fisting?” Brock tried.

Jack gave him a glance. “Et tu, Brute?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“I like that,” Sophie said. Jack swiveled at her.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I think it can work. The obvious innuendo is a little crass, but maybe it fits with your persona. We want to make you powerful, brutal, but also approachable. A dash of humor would go a long way.”

“There’s nothing funny about that catchphrase.”

“There will be when it’s said—repeat after me—at scale.”

“Absolutely not,” Jack said, shaking his head. “I agreed to be a celebrity, not a fool. Let’s find something less idiotic.”

“Hey, I’m just trying to do my job!” Sophie replied, seeming a little hurt.

“I know, it’s just… Ugh. I’ll come up with something, okay?”

“All done,” the bactrian said. He’d drawn a red pentagram on the floor and placed the mock body parts at each of the five ends. Jack stared at it.

“Yeah… That’s not creepy at all.”

“Clonemancy is creepy business. Hop in. The sooner we start, the sooner we’ll finish.”

Jack took a good look at the bactrian, the pentagram, and the clone parts. When he found nothing suspicious, he slowly stepped into the pentagram. Envoy Yoshi did his thing. The red paint went up in smoke. A reddish aura appeared, clinging to Jack’s skin like moisture, and he even felt it seeping through his body to scan his organs. It wasn’t painful, just profoundly uncomfortable. Like receiving a gastroscopy and a colonoscopy at the same time.

The smoke and red aura finally receded, coagulating with the now-floating clone parts to form a naked copy of Jack. He could see his organs and cardiovascular system appear out of thin air, coupled with endless neurons, then slowly be covered with skin. He fought the urge to look away. The clone parts docked in like the limbs of a transformer.

“Now, Jack!” the bactrian said.

Jack gritted his teeth. He reached into his inner world and dislodged a tiny piece, barely a hundred feet across. It wouldn’t affect his strength. The pain was terrible, but he endured. He slowly pushed the piece away, into the new body, which felt extremely compatible. The piece of inner world anchored itself near the clone’s heart, disappearing, and just like that, Jack now possessed two bodies.

The clone blinked as it awakened. Both bodies tumbled to the floor as Jack struggled to deal with the doubling of his senses. “Ugh,” he cried out.

“The process is done,” the bactrian said softly. “Adjusting to your new condition can take up to an hour. When you’re done, you will have successfully created a permanent clone. Congratulations.”

“Congratulations!” Sophie echoed. “If this wasn’t a secret, we could publicize it as yet another of your achievements!”

“How do you feel, bro?” Brock asked.

Jack slowly raised his body. He sat on all fours, retched once, then shakily rose to his feet. The clone and real body stared at each other. They then looked around. Their wobbling bodies slowly steadied. “I think I got the trick,” Jack said—from the real body.

“Less than a minute,” the bactrian muttered, shaking his big head. “Impressive.”

“Can I have some clothes?” the clone asked. The bactrian waved his hand, summoning a few sets of garments from his space ring.

“Take your pick,” he said, and the clone body quickly chose a set of elegant purple robes. He put them on, then stared at the real Jack. Jack stared back. This clone was identical to the real thing, with the exception of his aura, which was less steady and significantly weaker. This clone’s cultivation was only around the late C-Grade, compared to Jack’s early B-Grade, and it could never increase. His body was also much weaker than the real Jack’s. Their Dao understandings, however, was the same. Despite the clone’s weaknesses, he could stand his ground against most late B-Grade. More than enough to protect Earth.

“I am you,” said the clone.

“And you are me,” the real body replied. They smiled at each other. “Funky.”

The two Jacks exchanged a fist-bump. “This is actually pretty cool,” said the real body. He placed both hands on the clone’s shoulders. “I am entrusting you with a very important task, Jack. Go home and take care of our family. Be there for them. And do that other thing we talked about, too.”

“I will, Jack. Don’t worry about anything.”

“You know we can tell you’re just talking to yourself, right?” Starhair asked. “You have one soul. There is literally nothing to discuss.”

The clone nudged his head towards Starhair. “He’s a difficult one, huh?”

“Yeah. I think his parents dropped him when he was a baby,” the original replied.

Sophie giggled. “Can you repeat this snick with Brock so I can record it? We can make Starhair into the humorous sidekick.”

“I am neither,” Starhair replied grumpily.

“Not yet,” Sophie corrected him.

“If you’re ready, please come with me,” Envoy Yoshi said to the clone. “There is already a ship waiting for you.”

“Sure thing,” the clone said. “By the way, is it possible for the ship to make a small detour on the way to my planet?”

“That is something you will need to discuss with the captain,” Envoy Yoshi replied.

The clone thought about it for a moment, then nodded. “Lead the way,” he said said. He exchanged a fist-bump with the real Jack and Brock, waved goodbye at Sophie, then followed the bactrian out of the room.

“Hey, Jack!” Jack shouted. “Want a stone?”

“No thanks!” the clone shouted back.

Jack sighed. Of course, he controlled both bodies. This was just an inside joke with himself. Part of the reason he was so exhausted dealing with Sophie was because The Stone remained in his inner world, and it kept spouting one-liners non-stop. It was like having two Sophies, one of which replied to the other and sometimes demanded Jack transfer its jokes.

The Stone had come up with at least a dozen catchphrases since Sophie mentioned it, the most imaginative of which was It’s Fisting Time! Which wasn’t bad, if Jack was being honest, but he’d be damned if he encouraged The Stone.

In fact, this whole catchphrase thing was a hit in his inner world.

“Make it something good, kid!” the turtle demanded, having exited the Life Drop to participate. “I have a catchphrase for you. Venerable Saint Thousand Shell is the Best!”

Even Copy Jack had entered the fray. “Fists and stones will certainly break your bones,” he offered, which wasn’t very good, but Jack liked seeing him engaged.

Jack’s inner world residents then got into a fight, because the turtle insisted on being in the catchphrase, The Stone was speaking incessantly, and Copy Jack fanned the flames.

“Guys, guys, guys,” Jack said. “If you all backseat me like this, I cannot focus. Just be quiet for a moment.”

They grumbled but complied. Jack sighed. How did my inner world turn into a bar… he asked himself.

“Okay guys, my time with you today is up!” Sophie exclaimed, looking at her wrist which had no clock. “I’ll be back tomorrow at the same time. You come up with possible catchphrases in the meantime, and remember: Rush, rush, rush!”

“And then we’ll crash, crash, crash,” Jack replied humorlessly. “See you around, Sophie.”n/o/vel/b//in dot c//om

“See you, TV Bro,” Brock said. The djinn left the mansion, dragging together her hosts of models, photographers, and videographers who’d been busy filming something in another room. Jack and Brock were finally left alone. They released a long, long sigh. Jack wanted nothing more than to sleep.

Instead, he went to his room, grabbed the space monster cores he’d been delivered earlier, and started cultivating.