Chapter 8: Little do you know

Little do you know

✿

Everything loses its meaning at some point in life, especially when it keeps repeating and repeating for as long as it can — things that keep echoing like a broken record eventually lose all there is within them. The red leaves in autumn continued dancing around the streets, falling and falling repeatedly for months — until one day, they lost it all.

And now, winter has come.

It was broadly calm, cold, and violent in white. All they could see were white and blue. Frozen and snow. Shivers and numbness, yet everyone still loved it in a way a person can love a sunny day. Winter was beautiful, really beautiful.

But not for Yeonjun.

Sure, he likes winter — loves it. However, in times like this, it's when he wishes all things to go his way yet it won't. It's the time when he's frustrated, stressed, tired, or even mad at himself for not reaching what's supposed to be reached. Yeonjun didn't want it to seem as though he was catching a snowflake because one can't touch it — they're just there, only to ever be for your eyes but never to be as intimate as a fleeting touch.

"Yeonjun," the photographer sighed and looked at Yeonjun, "I know you've been stressed, but this is just not working. What's wrong?" He placed his camera on the desk.

"I can tell that you're having a hard time to be natural," Yeonjun looked at him with tired eyes, "Rest for now. Let's continue this once you're sure you can get it right." And the photographer left.

Everyone started fixing the set, a few stylists approached the pink-haired male but he only waved them off and walked past them. He heaved a sigh, a loud one — shivering and cold as he slid off his coat, "Bullshit." He couldn't help but to whisper.

Beomgyu had been watching him the whole time, clutching a few paper works against his chest. Beomgyu could sense the disappointment in Yeonjun's movements, every action held nothing but weight and frustration. And for all the times that Yeonjun's words played inside his mind, Beomgyu knew Yeonjun was going through the same thing he was.

His fingers held the papers tighter, but what can I even do for him?

Beomgyu had no idea, he wasn't good at this — all he had in pack were words and maybe a hug, could that help? Beomgyu breathed in.

With enough courage, Beomgyu finally walked his way towards Yeonjun who stayed seated on his chair — his hair messy and his face creased in annoyance. Beomgyu wanted to wince at the bitterness the elder radiated.

Was this what people meant when they said that you feel what your soulmate feels?

"Hyung..." Beomgyu started off timid, eyes focusing on no one else but Yeonjun. The elder looked at him, "What?"

That response burned. Beomgyu quickly brushed it off, "Are you...okay?"

Yeonjun forced a breath out, his gaze no longer on Beomgyu, "I don't know, Beom. I'm just tired, that's it."

Beomgyu wanted to hide in his jacket, he frowned and nodded, "You can rest if you're tired."

"I know," Yeonjun held his forehead, "but I don't have time for that. I'll rest when my shitty ass self learns to be natural."

This felt like holding a whole bouquet of roses with thorns. "Oh, I'm...I'm sorry," that was all Beomgyu could say. What else was he supposed to answer?

It fell silent, it made things awkward on Beomgyu's side — he bit his lip as he looked down, "Yeonjun Hyung..."

"What now, Beom?" Yeonjun could just break his own neck because of how fast he looked at Beomgyu with glossy eyes, it caused the little one to flinch — what now?

"I...uh," Beomgyu gulped, fuck, he doesn't even know what to say now. He felt embarrassed, sad, and scared. Yeonjun was scary when he's mad, Beomgyu wasn't so sure if he could handle Yeonjun yelling at him.

Yeonjun tried to wait patiently, he didn't want to lash out at the younger one. Beomgyu didn't do anything wrong, he could never get angry at him.

They just stayed there staring at each other. Beomgyu never knew looking at someone he used to stare at every day would be this hard now. Weren't they friends? Why did the label feel so heavy right now? That even if they were friends, Beomgyu felt like they weren't. He tried, he desperately grasped that last chance that Yeonjun gave to him in the form of being friends. But he just feels like he continues to mess everything up like he always does. Beomgyu knows that he shouldn't be blaming himself that much, but what else could he do aside from that?

And Beomgyu understood that it's just so impossible to go from lovers to friends just like that, it wasn't even that easy — Beomgyu knew that, he was aware. It's just something that people do to hold the permanence of that breakup, it allows them to let go of whatever feelings they used to have. However, if one of them took it as something more — like what Beomgyu viewed it as — if they took it like a second chance, it'll just hurt them more in an inevitable way. Although the closure and friendship were big steps, it would only seem like a whole new heartbreak. Only this time, messier.

But didn't Yeonjun say that there was a chance?

Didn't he say that the spring they had together never ended?

And besides, Beomgyu was very much aware that they weren't just friends now.

"You know what," Yeonjun stood up, which caught Beomgyu's attention, "I'm gonna go first, I need to prepare for another photo shoot."

And without any goodbye, Yeonjun left.

Funny. That felt familiar to Beomgyu.

Leaving without at least a small brush of fingers or a farewell for the last time.

Yeonjun walked past him with a heavy sigh, Beomgyu was disappointed in himself — he couldn't even do anything for the elder. He just stood there, frozen like the weather. And Yeonjun just looked at him, cold like winter.

Beomgyu watched as Yeonjun's figure slowly shrank away from his sight. He felt helpless.

But if there was something that Beomgyu wanted everyone to know, it would be that love can't be erased. To love and to part are like water and oil, they can't happen. Once you're there, you're there. Maybe not with the person but with the feelings that can never be pulled out. You can play with them, deny them, you can even ignore them — but to forget them? You just can't. You still feel it.

And now that Beomgyu could still feel his hands itching to reach for Yeonjun again in a way like running his fingers through his locks, or maybe even, in the same way when Yeonjun used to bathe him in his scent; Beomgyu knew one thing about love.

It was that love is eternal. It never leaves you nor can you leave it.

Little did Yeonjun know, Beomgyu won't even try to escape it.

✿

History repeats itself at one point in life. Like Deja Vu, every sense of familiarity will come crawling on your skin and you'd want it to disappear. But it won't, it already happened — it's written somewhere within you.

So, with his hands inside his coat's pockets, a fluffy beanie on top of his head, and a scarf wrapped warmly around his neck; Beomgyu took a deep, cold breath in. He was in front of Yeonjun's house.

He figured that after what happened yesterday during his shoot, Yeonjun must have been so frustrated and hurt. Visiting him and maybe hanging out would ease his worries and weight. At least, that's what Beomgyu thought.

White started to scatter around the place, even the once green front yard was now covered in snow. It was freezing, Beomgyu was shivering — he couldn't handle the cold well, but he'll bear with it for now.

After letting out a sigh with the ghost of winter disappearing into the thin air, Beomgyu brought his hand up and clicked on Yeonjun's doorbell.

No one answered.

Beomgyu clicked on it again. Two clicks, three clicks — still, no one came to open the door. Beomgyu sighed yet again, "Is no one home?"

His shoulders dropped, Beomgyu looked around the quiet neighborhood — no one was on the streets right now, it was just him standing in front of a house with no one answering his calls. Beomgyu took a cold breath in, he grabbed his phone and dialed Yeonjun's number.

Yeonjun's phone started ringing. Yeonjun almost screamed when he almost dropped it, he was standing in front of his closed-door — he was surprised to see Beomgyu outside, but he didn't answer though. He didn't even open the door.

He just stood there, stiff, and nervous. What was Beomgyu even doing here? Yeonjun sighed.

Beomgyu heard a ringtone going off from the other side of the door, it took him a while before realizing it. He couldn't do anything but to end the call and bite his cold lip. I guess he doesn't want me here.

That wasn't true though. Yeonjun just didn't know what to do. He just stood there, he wanted to tell Beomgyu that he should just leave — Yeonjun didn't understand himself but he figured that it would be for the best. He was stressed and tired because of work, he didn't want to burden the little one. He had better things to do anyway, Yeonjun shouldn't interfere.

Yeonjun was being insensible, a bit insensitive too, he knew that. But could he even blame himself?

These days, he's been occupied by the thoughts and memories of him and Beomgyu; the days that they used to spend together. It haunts him, crawls on him — and now that Beomgyu was out there in the cold, Yeonjun just couldn't help but to wonder: was this what Beomgyu felt when he couldn't let Yeonjun in his house during those times when they had a misunderstanding?

Beomgyu walked down from the entrance and sat down on the bench just in front of Yeonjun's home — he sighed again, and again, and again. Was this what Yeonjun felt when he didn't let him in his house during those days when he was mad and his mind was clouded with pain?

With no other choice left, Beomgyu grabbed his phone and typed something. He looked up at the milky, washed-out blue sky; he took a breath in before leaning against the bench.

Yeonjun looked through the window, he pulled the curtains so he could peek at the little one who was now seated on a bench. Yeonjun leaned his arm against the wall. Was he being too hard on Beomgyu?

His phone beeped, he looked at it, and again, he forced out a heavy breath.

Beomgyu

It's okay, I'll wait :)

Today at 10:40 a.m.

Yeonjun didn't understand.

And what Yeonjun didn't understand was the reason why Beomgyu would even wait outside during a cold weather when he could just go home.

✿

One in the afternoon.

"No, I don't want that!"

"But I want it!"

Lia furrowed her brows while looking at Soobin, "I told you, I don't want that. It's too sweet, find another flavor."

Soobin pouted and looked at his phone again, "Why don't you want this flavor for the cake? It seems delicious."

"Oh, it does," Lia grinned while nodding.

Soobin raised a brow, "Then why do you not want it?"

Lia just shrugged, "Because you want it?"

"What?" Soobin had his lips parted in disbelief, he looked at the woman in front of him and blinked. "You're really weird, do you know that?" Soobin scoffed.

They were walking down the streets, they took a turn before Lia responded while chuckling, "I'm aware. You remind me that almost every day. But it's fun teasing you."

Soobin frowned and pulled Lia's scarf over her head, the girl yelled at him but Soobin only laughed out loud, "That's what you get for bullying me."

"I do not?" Lia gasped, she wrapped an arm around Soobin's waist and cooed, "You're such a baby. Always whining and yelling."

Soobin ruffled her hair and placed an arm around her shoulders, "And you're always so bored. You're always teasing me."

She couldn't help but to lean against her fiance's warmth with a giggle, "You like it anyway."

"Yeah, right." Scoffed Soobin.

While laughing at each other, they continued walking down the snowy streets towards Yeonjun's house. They always paid the boy a visit during their break days, especially during winter — they knew how stressful this time of the year was for Yeonjun. They brought a bag of pastry for Yeonjun to eat, too.

"Oh, wait," Lia suddenly stopped walking. Soobin looked at her, "What's wrong?"

Lia's face was creased with confusion and worry, she brought her hand up to point at something, "Isn't that...isn't that Beomgyu?"

"Huh?" Soobin's eyes widened and looked at the direction that the girl was pointing at. His lips parted, indeed, it was Beomgyu sitting on the bench amidst a freezing weather.

"What is he doing there?" Soobin quickly pulled Lia with him as they made their way towards the little one who was only using his phone, pretending like he wasn't shivering because of the cold.

"Beomgyu?" Just by the sound of her voice, it was obvious that she's worried, the called-boy looked up and immediately smiled upon seeing the two.

"Hey," Beomgyu breathed out, "what are you guys doing here?"

Soobin looked at Lia, "We should be asking you that. What are you doing out here? It's cold, you might get sick."

"Ah," Beomgyu nodded, he scratched the back of his ear, "I wanted to...visit Yeonjun Hyung. But I guess he doesn't want to let me in." He chuckled while looking down.

"What? He won't let you in?" Soobin's voice raised a little, "How long have you been out here?"

Beomgyu blinked, he looked at his phone to check the time before responding, "For about three hours? But it's fine. It's not that cold."

"Not that cold?" Lia raised a brow, she glanced at Yeonjun's house before looking at Beomgyu again, "Beomgyu, it's freezing. Why don't you just go home?"

Beomgyu pouted, "But I...really want to see him, it's okay. I'll wait. Pretty sure that strawberry head won't be that merciless." He tried to laugh it off.

Forcing out a burst of laughter hurt.

He felt embarrassed, but he'll go along with it. Beomgyu will wait for as long as it takes. He'll keep holding onto him — tighter and tighter with every single day that passes by.

Lia grabbed a hot pack from her pocket and gave it to Beomgyu, "We'll be visiting Yeonjun too. Keep yourself warm."

Beomgyu only nodded with a small smile before resting the pack on his cheeks, "Thanks. Say hi to him for me."

Lia bit her lip, "Will do." The woman quickly grabbed Soobin's arm and pulled him with her as they went inside Yeonjun's house. Beomgyu watched them as they left, they didn't even ring the doorbell — Lia immediately opened the door and walked in.

"Choi freaking Yeonjun!" Lia yelled, hastily removing her coat and throwing it away — Soobin immediately caught it with a small yelp.

Yeonjun scratched his head as he descended from the stairs, "Why are you screaming? And why didn't you ring the bell or knock?"

Lia had her hands on her hips, she scoffed, "Would you even let us in? You didn't even let Beomgyu inside. He says hi, by the way."

The answer made Yeonjun stop walking, he held the railing with a frown, "Is he still outside?"

"You don't know? What the heck, Yeonjun? It's freaking cold outside!" Lia walked her way towards Yeonjun, "How could you let him stay out there?"

Yeonjun sighed out loud before walking towards the kitchen counter, "It was his choice. He could've just gone home but he didn't."

"Are you out of your doltish mind?" Lia slammed her hands against the counter, Soobin panicked and held her shoulders, "Be careful, your hands might get hurt."

Lia scoffed, "Yeonjun, look at me."

Letting out another sigh, Yeonjun removed his attention from the fridge and looked at Lia, "What?"

"Beomgyu did not do anything wrong," Lia pushed her words, putting emphasis because she wanted Yeonjun to get himself together, "Why are you pushing him away? For heaven's sake, did you even tell him to go home or did you just leave him out there?"

"I'm not pushing him away," Yeonjun closed the fridge door, "And stop screaming."

"Oh shut up," Lia walked around the counter and stood face to face with Yeonjun with squinted eyes, "You are pushing him away. You won't even let him in. It's cold!"

Yeonjun opened his mouth to respond but Soobin beat him to it, "Lia's right, Hyung. Why are you even pushing him away? What's wrong?"

Now, that was something Yeonjun couldn't answer properly. His thoughts were all over the place, mixed feelings, mixed decisions. He couldn't understand himself either. One moment he's sure about it, then the second after, he's backing out.

"I'm just..." Yeonjun sat on the stool, he placed his arms on the counter before sighing, "I'm just...I don't know. Hesitating? Scared? You know what happened, Soobin."

Soobin stared at him, Lia didn't know what to say now — there's nothing that can convince him, that's what Lia thought. However, Soobin only sighed and sat beside his brother, "I know the past did a lot but it's the present now. I know you won't be able to stomach this, but Hyung."

Yeonjun glanced at him, Soobin had an apologetic look on his face, "The Gyu from before is different from who he is now, I'm sure."

"You guys were young, I know it's not an excuse for what happened but you just have to move forward sometimes," Soobin placed a hand on Yeonjun's shoulder, squeezing and patting it while trying to give the elder a smile, "You can't open a new door if you keep holding yourself back."

It fell silent. They could all feel the cold getting into the comfort and warmth of Yeonjun's home. It was freezing. Yeonjun only realized that now.

"Look," Lia was calm now, she leaned against the counter and Yeonjun held eye contact with her, "I may not have been there when you two were making up, but seeing him outside right now made me certain that everything is different now."

Lia smiled, "Not everyone will be willing enough to stay out in the cold for you. And you, of all people, should know that."

Yeonjun stayed silent. His eyes slowly searched for the window, then his gaze was now fixed outside — he could see white violently coloring the neighborhood, by the looks of it, Yeonjun knew how freezing it might be for Beomgyu.

He sighed.

During a winter night, one craves for warmth and a hot chocolate drink. But Yeonjun, he only ever longed for a small frame to hug under the snow on a snowy night.

✿

After a few more minutes, Soobin and Lia left Yeonjun's house — of course, not forgetting to bid Beomgyu farewell. The little one stayed seated on the bench, he's not even going to deny it, he was shivering. The weather was too cold for him, he sighed — his ears and cheeks red because of the season.

Yeonjun stayed seated on the couch, he kept fidgeting with his fingers while trying to come up with a decision.

Why was he even pushing Beomgyu away?

He sighed, "This is so childish." Yeonjun rubbed his face, even his hands were cold. He looked at the door.

Then there goes Yeonjun grabbing a coat and running towards the door. He opened it and was immediately greeted by a gust of cold wind, he breathed in. Yeonjun looked around with a raised brow and walked out of his house.

When he reached the bench that Beomgyu had been sitting on earlier, he was confused to see no one. The bench was empty, the neighborhood had no one walking around it, the sky almost morphed from blue to grey, and everything seemed to be even colder than it already was.

"Fuck," Yeonjun cursed as he ran a hand through his messy locks, Beomgyu was gone — did he leave? Did it become too unbearable? Was it too cold?

God, Yeonjun. What have you done?

Beomgyu screams when he even dips his hand into cold water, what made him think that Beomgyu could bear standing out during winter for hours?

Due to panic, Yeonjun quickly grabbed his phone and dialed Beomgyu's phone number. He brought it to his ear and placed a hand on his hip. "Stupid Yeonjun, stupid weather," he breathed in when the other wasn't answering his call.

Then he heard ringing from behind him, Yeonjun promptly turned around, and with no warnings, he met gazes with the prettiest eyes he's ever stared at.

"Beomgyu..."  Yeonjun breathed out, white smoke came forming in the air and slowly became one with winter.

The little one held plastic bags with his hands, his scarf almost covering half of his face. Beomgyu shortly raised the bags that were full of ramen, "For you...?"

Beomgyu wore a bashful smile. Yeonjun approached him, "I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's fine, Hyung. I'm not dead or anything," Beomgyu chuckled, his eyes forming crescents that made Yeonjun's heart skip a melody.

Without a word, Yeonjun grabbed the plastic bags from Beomgyu's hands and said, "Let's go inside. You must be freezing."

"No shit, Sherlock." Beomgyu laughed.

✿

Beomgyu sneezed.

"Oh my god," Yeonjun felt the guilt rising to his heart, he quickly wrapped Beomgyu with three blankets and made him sit down on the couch. Beomgyu kept sneezing and sneezing.

"I am so sorry," Yeonjun frowned, he grabbed a hot pack and patted it on Beomgyu's cheek, "This is all my fault." He caressed the little one's hair.

Beomgyu giggled, he shook his head while looking at Yeonjun, "It's fine. Even if you're a whole monster for doing this to me, I understand you. Don't apologize."

The answer made Yeonjun sigh, he grabbed another blanket and wrapped it around Beomgyu who widened his eyes, "Hey, it's okay. I don't feel cold anymore."

"No, it's my fault." Yeonjun looked down on the floor, "I'm so childish for this. Now you're sneezing."

"Hyung," Beomgyu looked at Yeonjun, "it's fine. It was my choice anyway."

Yeonjun stared at him, his fingers still stroking Beomgyu's fluffy hair, "Why'd you do that? You could've just left. I told you to—"

"Choose myself?" Beomgyu spoke before the elder could finish his sentence, eyes glistening while staring at the person he adores so much. Fireworks could never compete with this.

"Yeah, I know." Beomgyu chuckled and leaned against Yeonjun's touch.

"But you are the reason why I started choosing myself, Hyung. Little by little, I'm realizing everything," Beomgyu slowly looked at Yeonjun, locked gazes, and held the contact. Yeonjun's fingers stopped playing with the little one's hair, his hand stayed there — Beomgyu loved the feeling of being touched by him.

Yeonjun felt like he was finally touching a snowflake.

"And choosing myself means choosing you, too."

They stared at each other, it's been the usual thing they do after every talk they have. Eye contacts which held the untold words they wanted to convey. Yeonjun and Beomgyu held their guards up for quite a long time, the image of everything still burning in the back of their minds.

Yeonjun wanted to lean in closer, his eyes glanced at Beomgyu's thin lips — he wanted to feel them again, he wanted to capture them like they were his again. When you were mine, Yeonjun gulped, did I ever lose you?

For the past years, Yeonjun never thought of loving and kissing someone else. All he ever had in mind was Beomgyu, it never changed. He slowly put every bit of pride down and faced the risks and devotion he has for Beomgyu.

And little did Yeonjun know, Beomgyu felt the same.

Beomgyu stared at him, he could almost feel Yeonjun's nose brushing against his. It was a gentle touch, a quick movement — but Beomgyu found himself craving for more. Then he saw how Yeonjun's eyes glanced at his lips, it caused something from inside of him to explode and have his whole mind in chaos and fire. Beomgyu held his breath.

Yeonjun cleared his throat, "I'll just..." he stood up, "I'll just cook the ramen. I'll be back. Keep yourself warm."

And Beomgyu watched as he walked away. The elder's mere presence gave him comfort and safety, it was all that Beomgyu needed.

✿

A few moments passed by and Yeonjun finally returned. The ramen was on the kitchen counter, when he reached the couch, he saw Beomgyu already sleeping. He was lying down on the couch, all curled up into a ball while pulling the blankets closer to his skin. Yeonjun smiled.

He missed everything about Beomgyu. His eyes, his lips, his warm skin, his small frame. How Beomgyu seemed so small yet comforting in his hold, how Beomgyu felt so perfect in his touch — it felt like galaxies were colliding into one, and Yeonjun missed that feeling.

Yeonjun missed the feeling of Beomgyu's hand on his own.

He sat on the floor just in front of Beomgyu who was sound asleep, Yeonjun stroked his hair. He smiled and leaned closer to Beomgyu's face.

And slowly, slowly, and slowly, Yeonjun kissed Beomgyu on the forehead.

So sweet, so gentle — the kind of kiss that will make you long and look for it in every corner of the world. That if you'd ever lose the person who gave you that kind of kiss, you just know that you'll be looking for it in every person that you meet.

And little did Yeonjun know,

Beomgyu wasn't that deep into slumber to miss such a sweet feeling against his head during a cold winter day.

✿ Bloom Again ✿

[a/n]: would you believe me if i told you that this is almost ending? :O