Chapter 6: Exes Rechecked

Exes Rechecked

✿

Autumn was slowly ending — bit by bit, with every falling leaf — it was slowly losing its color. The color red seemed a little less vibrant, a little less whole. The season will always start out bright, start out so red, maybe a hint of orange too in its hidden corners. Autumn begins with the leaves making their fall just before they lose it all.

And Beomgyu wasn't so sure about what he'll do now, the words Yeonjun had said a few days ago were still stuck inside his head — echoing and repeating inside his preoccupied mind. What did Yeonjun mean?

It all felt like Yeonjun just pushed him down a free fall without giving him time to think, an endless weightless fall with so many questions but Beomgyu still went on descending.

"When you've learned to love and cherish each of your petals, let's bloom again. Together." Beomgyu tried to understand, he has always been a person who knew how heavy the weights words can really carry — people frequently told him how beautiful his words are, how different his views about the world are — Beomgyu was just so new, like a breath of fresh air. But this time, he just couldn't breathe those words in. They were immense.

Beomgyu released a sigh, he closed the convenience store's fridge after grabbing a bottle of grape juice. When he was about to walk away, Beomgyu was suddenly greeted by a pair of brown eyes.

They looked at each other. One was holding a bottle of violet while the other held chips in his hands.

"Beomgyu Hyung," the younger male called, voice a little breathy.

"Taehyun, what are you doing here?" Asked Beomgyu with a raised brow, a hand buried inside the pocket of his fluffy jacket colored with auburn.

A sigh came, a bit hefty, before Taehyun shrugged and opened the fridge too, "I was just frustrated over work, so I came here to buy something I can eat. Haven't had any convenience store food since forever."

Beomgyu hummed as he leaned against the cold glass door of the other fridge, "Where's Hyuka?"

"At home, he's asleep." Taehyun responded with a small chuckle, he grabbed a can of coke and closed the cooler.

"Oh," Beomgyu nodded, his lips unconsciously pouting out of habit. "You must really be stressed out," the elder pointed out, certainty lacing his voice. Taehyun could only sigh, "Pretty much."

They both chuckled and went over to the cashier, the store was empty anyway — just the two of them together with the one behind the cashier, that faint beep echoing throughout the aisles, and the crumpling sound of chips and plastics almost caused them to doze off.

Beomgyu glanced at Taehyun, the younger seemed troubled — bags were underneath his eyes, lips a bit chapped. Beomgyu has been with him long enough for a couple of years to know the messages within the most obscure details — be it Taehyun's change in mood, or the glow in his eyes, or perhaps the tone of his voice. Beomgyu could never forget those. They're imprinted in his mind. And choosing to erase all those would be like trying to forget someone you've been with all your life.

Just because they've moved on from what they used to be, they'll also get rid of these things, all those are basically a promise. And Beomgyu will still be here for the younger no matter what, so will Taehyun.

"You seem..." Taehyun breathed, he looked at Beomgyu with curiosity, "You seem like there's something bothering you. What's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Beomgyu twitched out a smile before grabbing his plastic bag from the cashier, "You're the one who seems to have a lot going on."

Taehyun thought for a moment, took in the silence that came along after their items got swiped — think, think, what was bothering him? What's bothering me?

Then he pulled the bag down, allowing it to dance around his hand while falling loosely in his hold — Taehyun looked at Beomgyu with confusion, the elder only stared at him, allowing him to think. Just think. Just know.

"There is," Taehyun promptly said as soon as the thought came to mind, "Can we...talk? For a while?"

Beomgyu looked at him for a moment, or two, the silence growing louder and louder with each breath being taken in. Beomgyu nodded, a smile slowly appeared on his lips, and he pointed at the glass door, "Let's go."

✿

The night will forever be young — will always look so innocent and reckless. There were stars splattered across its smooth surface, glistening and accompanying the moon that could only ever witness everything it wishes to have. The night can be so fun, so many things happening in secrecy like the dawn of love two naive souls built. Beomgyu smiled at the thought while looking at the sky, so young, they still had so many things to learn — yet here they were, so broken to know what lies beyond innocence.

"Let's just talk here," Taehyun pointed at the empty swings inside the lonely playground sitting underneath the night sky.

Beomgyu only hummed, they walked towards the swings, placed their bags on the ground, and sat. Beomgyu quietly pushed himself back and let loose — swinging with that loud creaking sound.

"These days, I've had less and less time to actually think about things," Taehyun started out a little breathy, he looked down on the ground with his hands around the cold metallic chain.

"And today was actually my day off, mind you, it's 11." Taehyun laughed, Beomgyu did the same while leaning his head against the chains.

Then it quietened down, Taehyun heaved a sigh, "Spent the day with Kai, and earlier, before going to the store — I just realized something."

Beomgyu looked at him, head still resting against the rough chains, "Yeah? What was it?"

"It was actually really random," Taehyun snickered, "but I'm still glad I thought of it."

Beomgyu didn't say anything, he likes random things anyway. Instead, he just sat there and looked at Taehyun with calm eyes.

Then Taehyun looked at him, "I've never really given you a proper apology."

Now, that was seriously random. But again, Beomgyu likes random things. Perhaps this kind of random was unexpected, but he figured it's just...there. Like it was meant to be brought up again sooner or later. Although he already let go, already accepted it — already understood everything, he still listened. It was a conversation going on underneath the moon, being watched by the stars — it was worth it.

"Okay, yeah. It is random, even I was shocked when it came to mind but..." Taehyun breathed in quite heavily before breaking eye contact with the elder, he looked at the sky, "I was like...oh yeah, I'm such a fool. I'm horrible and things like that." He chuckled.

"I've been saying shits like I'm so matured and all that but I never even chose to be honest with you completely and apologize," Taehyun shook his head with a small smile and looked at Beomgyu, the elder seemed quiet, but he went on.

"And I know. I know it seems really...useless now? But actually thinking of it yet not doing anything about it makes me more of an asshole. It's silly," Taehyun released a breath, hands holding the chains tighter while staring at Beomgyu.

This felt weird, yet at the same time, it didn't. Beomgyu never really liked confrontations, that's why he mostly just shuts people out when he's hurt. He doesn't like talking about it, but when he's there, when he's already here, he goes along with it. Beomgyu may think that this was no longer needed, but he understood where this was coming from.

So, Beomgyu just nodded, "Go on."

Assurances.

Beomgyu frequently gave those before when they were them. He still does, and Taehyun likes that. Not in that way though, no longer in that way — but there's nothing wrong with still loving your ex's unchanged personality, right?

It's just like recalling all those familiar lyrics from an old song you used to sing and listen to every day.

"The thing is..." Taehyun avoided eye contact again, "it's been so long and I'm only bringing it up now. You've been through a lot, and I've long known that you never deserved it — but I was too...slow? To stupid to even say a single sorry."

A pause.

"I'm sorry."

Apologies.

They were everywhere. Multiple sorrys came out of Beomgyu's mouth, from Huening Kai's, even from Yeonjun — now, like it felt so refreshing to hear that, Taehyun said the exact same words as well.

"I'm sorry for being so selfish and for not having any valid reason to do those. I get that not only did I break what he had, but I also broke your trust, maybe your health too. I'm such a goddamned human being because of that." Taehyun took his plastic bag and grabbed a pack of chips. He looked at Beomgyu.

"Then all those stuff happened, I never got the time to squeeze even one sorry out — and for that, I apologize too." A breath, "You don't deserve those and I'm sorry for making you feel like you did."

Life is a bit messed up, especially timing. We just randomly say the most unexpected things anywhere: during a breezy afternoon, just before going home. Or mayhaps we blurt out our unsettled thoughts when we're drunk. Or maybe during times like this, underneath the night sky — in a playground, where two exes were trying to maintain eye contact after avoiding such action for years ever since they broke up.

"And thank you," Taehyun smiled, "I know that most people would just...push their exes away, or completely act like they never happened — which is fine, it's understandable and sometimes we just need to get ourselves away from toxic people."

"But I'm glad you gave me another chance to be your friend, you're an amazing person and I'm sorry for all the things I did," Taehyun slowly extended his arm to hand Beomgyu the bag of chips, "And thank you for listening to me."

Beomgyu stared at him, he didn't know what to feel if he were being honest. But one thing was for sure: Beomgyu was happy. Happy to know that Taehyun felt that way. Happy to know that Taehyun thought about it. Happy to know that he wasn't invalidated at all. Happy. That's it. Such simplicity in a word that perfectly described how he felt.

"Yeah," Beomgyu smiled and accepted the bag of chips, "Just like what I told you, you're already forgiven."

"Why'd you even...forgive me? That soon, too?" Taehyun asked the question he's been meaning to ask since he first heard them from the elder who said them with so much sincerity.

Beomgyu thought for a moment, he shrugged, "Sometimes you just...realize things earlier than the ones who did it. You understand them first before anyone else even if you were the one at cause. Broken people realize first that they were broken before the one who broke them. People who got their bags stolen are the first to realize that their hard work got taken away from them before the one who stole."

"It's complicated," Beomgyu frowned, "but that's how...I can explain it."

Taehyun still nodded, Beomgyu has always been so sure about the words he says when it's about things like this, "I understand. Thank you for that, too."

Beomgyu hummed, "Thank you for the...apology? For realizing? I don't know. But I guess, thanks for the free chips."

They both laughed, felt like they were still in high school — so naive and innocent. Now, they're all grown up, but their old habits and personalities remain the same.

Silence came after that. Taehyun felt like a whole weight was brushed off of his shoulders, he could breathe — maybe that really was the thing that has been bothering him for a while now. While Beomgyu, he just stayed in his seat, head once again resting against the cold chains — he sighed, now he can't stop thinking about one thing, too.

"What's wrong? Now you're troubled," Taehyun chuckled while looking at Beomgyu.

Beomgyu glanced at him before laughing, "I just remembered something, that's all."

"Would you like to talk about it? It might help," Taehyun smiled, voice so soft that it made Beomgyu think.

"Yeah, I think it will." Beomgyu pushed himself back again, then slowly, he let loose and allowed the swing to carry his weight.

"What was it like to love someone while being broken?"

Taehyun didn't know that. Exactly. But he could try. "I...I actually don't know that, Hyung. But if I were to put myself in that kind of situation..." he tilted his head, "I think it won't work out."

"Why?" Beomgyu asked, immediately burying his feet against the ground to stop the swinging.

"Well, when I was with Hyuka, he couldn't let me love him because he just felt like...I wasn't being completely honest and genuine with myself. Like there was still a part of me that was broken," Taehyun remembered that night when Kai asked him to go talk to Beomgyu, that night still looked so vivid — so heavy that it made Taehyun sigh.

"And if you're in pieces, how can you promise that person a whole love?" Taehyun looked at Beomgyu who remained unmoving in his seat. "It just...won't work."

"I changed not just for Hyuka, but I also changed for myself. I knew there was something...broken in me and I just..." Taehyun looked at the ground, "I just felt like I have to fix that."

"You see, Hyung." Taehyun fixed his gaze on Beomgyu again who also looked at him with doe eyes, "I don't understand why you're asking that, but I just want to tell you one thing."

Underneath the sky with the moon and stars that witnessed the exchange of words they held, Beomgyu realized something too. Something he never really understood about love.

It's that love really isn't going to work out when there are always missing pieces around it. And there are certain factors that contribute to the whole thing about love. There's trust, there's appreciation, there's forgiveness, there's patience. There are a lot. And one factor Beomgyu has never paid attention to was self-love.

Taehyun smiled, "Love is better when it's whole. That's definitely what I have learned, Hyung."

✿ Bloom Again ✿

[a/n]: wrote this while that one song was on repeat. our song before. lol, good old times. did i mention that this story is also the fruit of pent-up emotions from the same source used for the first book? XD yep, this is basically still based on the things i've learned and experience. minor or small descriptions hold a lot :) this is also a very important chapter too. reminds me of something.