Chapter 4: Hesitant

Hesitant

✿

Days and days have passed. Nothing ever changed within those days and nights that continuously went on like the normal and usual days. The city was still busy and loud, the crowds of people occupying the streets both day and night, and the autumn leaves still drowning the city in orange and tranquility that came along with its tall trees and dried leaves.

Yeonjun was still as busy as ever with his modeling career, a lineup of magazines and brands waiting for his pictures to be pasted in papers and shown to the world. It was a big job that required a lot of confidence and trust for himself, his face would be found around the streets and buildings. A passerby would see his picture on the cover of a magazine. Nonetheless, he loved his career. He has fun doing it. It doesn't seem like a job at times.

Beomgyu was focused on his film directing tasks and responsibilities. Checking and correcting the scripts, leading the artists, the filming, the directing, and above all, having the patience and attitude to keep up with the stress and frustrations he frequently faces given the fact that his job required him to show forbearance in every task.

However, Beomgyu was human too. He gets fed up, he gets tired, he gets overwhelmed and stressed. The piled-up responsibilities and everyday tasks were starting to take a toll on him. Don't get him wrong, he loves his job. He could never imagine himself doing another career. But there are just circumstances in life that result in you hating something you used to be so passionate about.

The world is that cruel. It sucks out the love you have for something if you don't hold on to it tightly. But there would also be instances when holding on for too long can drain you as well. We all just need a little break too. To unwind and getaway.

But Beomgyu never had the chance to have that. He's always been busy. He's always at work. Every day, for countless times, everyone was always reminding him to take it easy and think of himself too. It was a daily reminder. Yet he repeatedly ignored that, and soon enough, that will become a part of him.

A person who keeps on forgetting about himself.

Bags were underneath his sleepy eyes, yawns escaping his lips every now and then, and his raven hair was a bit disheveled. He groggily walked into the room where a photoshoot was being held, a photoshoot of both Hyunjin and Yeonjun together with a female model for a magazine.

No one really noticed him because everyone was busy with the picture taking. Beomgyu could even hear the photographer pleasingly complimenting the models while taking pictures of them.

Yet he really just came here to look for one person. Beomgyu looked around the room, and the place was packed with a few people. It wasn't hard to find that specific person he badly needs to talk to.

"Chan Hyung," he called for the elder when he saw him by the corner talking with a few staff.

Chan turned to look at the stressed boy, "Hey," he smiled. Then soon after, he furrowed his brows, "What happened to you? You look like you just lost the lottery." Chan chuckled which caused Beomgyu to smack him on the arm albeit weakly.

"Oh, shut up," Beomgyu rolled his eyes followed by a yawn. "I need to talk to you about something, it's important," the boy squinted his eyes while resting his hands on his waist.

Chan chuckled at this and nodded, "Okay, after I talk with the staff here too, let's discuss whatever it is you have to say," the elder answered and waved his hand, "You just sit here, this will be quick."

Beomgyu was about to stop him because no, I am not going to wait here. I'm so freaking sleepy and I want to finish this task already and get a nap, but Chan already ran off towards the female staff that he said he needed to talk to about something important.

He could only sigh and roll his eyes again, stay calm, he reminded himself and just chose to sit down on an empty seat behind him with an annoyed expression on his face. Beomgyu heaves a sharp breath again before he hears the photographer shout in a blissful voice, "Okay! Let's take a break!"

Beomgyu placed a palm over his head as he leaned against the seat, he closed his eyes and silence fell around him. Sleep, that's all he needed. But his job was being a shit to him.

"Beomgyu?"

Oh god, can't people just leave him alone for now?

Beomgyu opened his eyes with a raised brow, and he quickly caught sight of a familiar brush of pink hair.

Yeonjun was standing in front of him, the elder was wearing an expensive brand all over him. A black coat that complimented his skin so much, jeans that showed how long his legs were, and a bit of makeup on his pretty face that made him look extra glowing.

Hot.

Beomgyu shook his head at his own thoughts. Was he really just checking Yeonjun out? He wanted to sigh again because of his random actions and thoughts.

"You okay?" Yeonjun sat beside him, "You look... really ugly when you're stressed," the elder chuckled.

Beomgyu shot him a glare, an insult was the last thing he needed right now.

He rolled his eyes for the countless time, "If you're just going to diss me, well just fuck off."

"Whoa there," Yeonjun laughed while looking at the boy who was still glaring at him, "Someone's grumpy."

Beomgyu sighed and closed his eyes with a palm over his eyes, he just decided to ignore the elder for now. He was not in the mood to bicker and start petty quarrels with him. Or with anyone in particular.

"I'm sorry," Yeonjun pouted, Beomgyu just nodded while still keeping his eyes shut. Why the fuck is Chan taking so long?

There were a few seconds of silence before Chan finally arrived. Yeonjun bit his lips, he wouldn't deny, even though he just straight up called the younger ugly a while ago (but he didn't really mean it, he feels sorry), he's really worried about his situation right now. He looked really frustrated and grumpy.

"Beomgyu," Chan called and gently shook the younger who just groaned, "Let's discuss now so you can take a nap," upon hearing this, Beomgyu slowly stood up and nodded.

He just silently walked past Yeonjun because again, he really needed sleep now.

Chan smiled at Yeonjun and was about to walk away too when Yeonjun abruptly grabbed his arm causing him to stop and look at him. "What?"

Hesitant.

But Yeonjun still asked.

"What happened to him? He looks really stressed out," Yeonjun raised a brow as he asked with a small voice.

Chan sighed, "Work has been... tough and busy. He hasn't gotten enough sleep because he has a lot of tasks to finish." Pity was shown in Chan's eyes as he looked at Beomgyu who was walking away (not even noticing that Chan wasn't with him yet).

Yeonjun furrowed his brows as he looked at Beomgyu too, "Did he even eat yet?" he asked Chan again.

Chan shook his head, "No, I'm actually worried."

The pink-haired boy sighed and nodded, he let go of Chan's arm, "He's really hard-headed."

Chan stared at Beomgyu's figure, the younger looked back at him and furrowed his eyebrows when he saw Chan still standing there beside Yeonjun, "Yeah, he is."

"Chang Hyung, come on!"

The eldest flinched at this and said goodbye to Yeonjun right away. He quickly ran towards Beomgyu who was looking even grumpier and more pissed than earlier. Damn, the things that deprivation of sleep does to a person.

✿

3 o'clock in the afternoon.

There was a warm bag of food in Yeonjun's hands.

He was on his way to the office, he didn't even know why he bought all these for Beomgyu to eat but he did it anyway. What are friends for, right?

Yeonjun was already in the hallway, it was quiet, but he still wore a small smile on his face.

Not until he heard a man's voice inside the office.

Yeonjun stopped walking and slowly peeked through the door left ajar. He could hear their conversation. Yeonjun could also tell that no one else was inside the office room. The man's voice sounded so disappointed and annoyed.

"Beomgyu, what has gotten into you that you had to cuss at the artist?" It was another director. His back was facing the door, all Yeonjun could see was Beomgyu's face that was hanging low. The little one was looking at the floor, biting his lip, and fidgeting with his fingers.

"I know you're frustrated, we all are, but you could've been extra careful with your words and not lash out like that," Beomgyu only nodded, "That was very unprofessional of you."

Yeonjun didn't know if he were tripping but did a tear just slip from Beomgyu's eye?

Beomgyu bowed, "I'm so sorry. I won't do it again."

Yeonjun sighed and leaned against the wall, "This is a bad time, isn't it?" he asked himself as he quickly took another peek inside the room.

They were still talking. So, Yeonjun just breathed in and nodded to himself, "Let's come back later," he patted the bag and quietly walked away.

Beomgyu was badly disappointed with himself. He couldn't control his temper earlier and just cussed at the artist like it was nothing. She kept getting her lines wrong even though the script was just so simple and short, that's why he got so pissed and yelled at her without even thinking. He regretted it. It was so unprofessional and disrespectful of him.

"Just make sure you reflect on your actions," the director pointed a finger at him, "I'll go talk to the artist and her manager." He said to which Beomgyu nodded. The director immediately left, leaving Beomgyu all alone in the office.

✿

Evening came. The same, old, and usual evening with loud chatters and still busy streets. It was nine in the dark night, the company building was having fewer and fewer people inside it as the staff and artists left by groups.

Yeonjun figured that it was okay now to see Beomgyu inside the office room (if he were still there, but he didn't see him leave yet), he walked inside the elevator with Hyunjin and the younger immediately pressed the button leading to the ground floor. Beomgyu's office was on the fifth floor.

As they waited for the elevator doors to open, Hyunjin spoke, "Do you want to eat at that new restaurant that opened last week? It's got some good reviews," the younger grinned while looking at the elder who only fixed his attention on the floor numbers flashed on top.

"Nah," Yeonjun shook his head, the elevator doors opened, "I have something to do. You go on ahead," the elder smiled while looking at Hyunjin whose face was creased with confusion. Nonetheless, he nodded and stepped out of the elevator.

"What do you mean?" Hyunjin asked as he looked at Yeonjun who was still standing inside the elevator.

"Priorities," Yeonjun simply answered and pressed the fifth-floor button.

It felt like an eternity. The elevator was slow and Yeonjun was already itching to see Beomgyu and make sure that he's okay. He knows the little one was sensitive, maybe even more than him. He gets disappointed easily when he makes a mistake and he would take it to heart.

That's why Yeonjun was worried as fuck right now but the elevator was not the least bit considerate to go faster.

And finally, the elevator doors opened along with a faint ding. Yeonjun quickly stepped out of the ride and walked towards the office. There was some staff leaving and passing by him, and with a few more steps, he arrived in front of the silver door. He took a breath in and twisted the doorknob.

A gust of cold wind came fanning his face, he stepped a bit closer inside while still holding the door. It was awfully quiet until he heard small sobbings.

He completely went in and shut the door behind him, turned on the lights, and immediately saw Beomgyu in his swivel chair: arms on his desk, head resting on top, and his soft, little sobs that echoed throughout the small room. He looked so small, so fragile and vulnerable. It's been a while since Yeonjun last saw him like this and he wished that he would never see Beomgyu in this state again, but here they were.

Yeonjun sighed and walked over to the little one. He crouched down and gently held Beomgyu's shoulder, "Gyu..."

Beomgyu's muscles tensed at that, but he stayed still in his position. Yeonjun rubbed his back, and once again, spoke in a gentle voice, "Gyu... I'm here."

And suddenly, Beomgyu looked at him with puffy and teary eyes, small sniffles still escaping his trembling lips. Yeonjun's face softened at the sight. He slowly brought his hand to brush away the strands of hair that covered Beomgyu's eyes, "It's okay, you can cry." Yeonjun wrapped an arm around Beomgyu's shoulders.

Beomgyu shook his head as he looked down and sniffled, "I should've been more careful. I let my guard down and allowed my stress to take over me."

Yeonjun stayed silent, he just listened to Beomgyu's rants. He knows the younger one had a lot in mind and he wanted to make him feel that he's listening.

"I don't know, I made a fool out of myself," Beomgyu looked down on himself. Yeonjun could feel the disappointment in his voice. This was probably the first time he ever made a mistake in work so he didn't know how to handle it. He just felt disappointed and mad at himself.

Beomgyu stood up and wiped his tears, "You should go now, it's late," he sniffled and sat on the couch.

Yeonjun heaved a sigh and sat beside him, the younger one was still hanging his head low while fidgeting with his fingers, "I know it's not okay but people fall down and make mistakes too especially when we're stressed," he tried to assure the little one and placed his arm over the back of the couch.

Beomgyu shook his head, "I still should've been careful enough. That was so unprofessional."

Yeonjun tilted his head while looking at him. He leaned in a little closer and held Beomgyu's cold hand, "You can still learn from that, Gyu. I know you didn't mean whatever it is that you did. We learn and grow from our mistakes, we shouldn't let them take the best of us because they're mistakes. Unintentional," Beomgyu looked at him after he said that. Their faces a few inches apart.

Beomgyu could feel his heartbeat increasing as soon as he met gazes with Yeonjun. When was the last time that he was this close to him? A breath away, inches apart. It felt suffocating, like a poison inside a bottle, but he'd most willingly still drink it.

Yeonjun smiled and ruffled his hair, "You're still a pro and that's a Go-pro."

This made Beomgyu chuckle as he looked down again. Yeonjun giggled as well and wrapped an arm around Beomgyu's shoulder, "You know, this wouldn't have happened if you weren't too hard on yourself."

Beomgyu sighed at that. He knows what the elder is going to say next now. It's the reminder he always forgets to remember every day because of too much work and stress. It led him to lose sight of his path and break down along the way. It was miserable, but Yeonjun always seemed to find him even on a deserted road.

"You always seem to forget about yourself and put other things on top of you to the point that it gets too heavy for you to carry. It's not healthy," he started playing with the younger male's hair which was oddly so soothing for Beomgyu, "You chose this because you're happy with the job, right?" Yeonjun asked the younger one, and Beomgyu could only nod, "But why are you letting it consume you in a negative way?"

Beomgyu looked at him again, he always knows how to leave him speechless, doesn't he?

The younger male just heaved a heavy sigh and shrugged, "It's a problem attached to my soul, I don't know what to do."

Yeonjun frowned and placed a hand on top of Beomgyu's head which caused the younger to look up, "Easy. Think of yourself. Always. No matter what. In situations when it's unhealthy for you."

Beomgyu stared at him with his lips slightly parted. He didn't know what to say honestly. But for Yeonjun? All the words just seem to flow down his lips, like he was born to say all those.

"Okay?" Yeonjun smiled. Beomgyu nodded, "Okay."

Yeonjun's smile widened even more as he gave Beomgyu's head a gentle pat, "That's great."

With that, Yeonjun stood up and was about to leave when Beomgyu suddenly grabbed the hem of his shirt, Yeonjun turned to face him with a raised brow, "Gyu?"

Fuck, Beomgyu couldn't help but quietly curse, it's because of that damn nickname.

"Can you..." Hesitant.

Beomgyu bit his lip as he looked up at Yeonjun with doe eyes.

"... stay?"

Yeonjun was surprised. He didn't expect that. However, he smiled and sat back down again. "Yeah, sure." He leaned against the couch and so did Beomgyu, they stared at each other before Beomgyu hesitantly rested his head on Yeonjun's shoulder.

"Thanks," Beomgyu whispered.

Yeonjun could only smile.

"I'll be here," Yeonjun assured him and that was all Beomgyu needed to finally close his eyes to sleep.

Minutes passed, they were still in the same position as earlier. Yeonjun ended up playing with Beomgyu's fingers now while the younger male was peacefully sleeping beside him. This felt comforting, having Beomgyu near him like this felt nice. Like the Autumn breeze that caressed his face, like the dried leaves that would fall on him as he walks by.

Beomgyu was like the four seasons. A pretty snowflake that he'd always stare at, as tranquil as the Autumn trees, bright like summer, and as beautiful as the pink petals dancing their way down on the empty streets. Beomgyu was as beautiful as the four seasons combined. Beomgyu just doesn't realize that yet.

Yeonjun leaned a little to take a glimpse of Beomgyu's sleeping face, Yeonjun always knew that Beomgyu was a pretty sleeper. That has got to be the luckiest thing to ever have; a pretty face even when you're asleep. Yeonjun chuckled at his own thoughts and brushed away the strands of hair that covered Beomgyu's eyes.

Beomgyu's eyelashes have always been pretty, every single detail about him was pretty. There was no present flaw at all in Yeonjun's eyes. Perhaps because he's learned to see through those flaws and only see the good in Beomgyu. He learned to embrace him whole, the younger male just fits perfectly in his arms. Beomgyu has been opaque, but Yeonjun has always been able to melt him down and see through those cracks.

A smile formed on Yeonjun's lips, Beomgyu looked so pretty. But suddenly, Beomgyu's eyebrows were furrowed as he started whimpering in his slumber. Yeonjun started to panic, he rubbed Beomgyu's back but the little one just continued taking deep breaths and releasing them along with a sob.

Yeonjun brushed his fingers through Beomgyu's locks and that was when the elder thought of something. That one thing he did during the day when Beomgyu started crying in his arms.

He quickly wrapped an arm around Beomgyu's waist while shushing him, "It's okay, it's okay," Yeonjun tried to calm him down. "Sit on my lap," Yeonjun whispered to Beomgyu's ear.

The younger one immediately did as told (he was barely even awake but he was conscious enough to comply). With no amount of struggle (but with a small groan), Yeonjun pulled the younger male to his lap and enveloped him in a hug.

Beomgyu rested his cheek on the crook of Yeonjun's neck as the elder softly rubbed his back while whispering assuring words, "Don't cry, I'm here. It's all right."

After feeling his gentle rubs and sweet words, Beomgyu finally calmed down and wrapped his arms around Yeonjun's neck, the elder couldn't help but smile at this. He pulled him closer (if that was still possible) to his chest and rested his cheek on top of Beomgyu's head.

The little one felt so small in his arms but he fits so well. There were no imperfections, they were a perfect fit. Beomgyu belongs in his arms.

With one last stroke of Beomgyu's fluffy hair, Yeonjun drifted off to slumber as well. Not even complaining about Beomgyu's weight because he was as light as a feather, he never even complained, not even once. Not even when they were still in high school, baking cookies in Yeonjun's house on a rainy day.

✿

On the horizon, where the earth touches a part of the sky, the sun peeked from the mountains. The color blue was spreading across the sky with white being dusted around the heavens. The sun's rays seeped through the glass windows of the office, caressing Beomgyu's face which caused him to groan and flutter his eyes open.

First, he rubbed his eyes while slowly sitting up. Second, he yawned while stretching his muscles. Third, he felt someone squeeze his waist which made him look down and meet gazes with the barely awake Yeonjun staring at him with a sly smile. Fourth, Beomgyu may or may not have screamed with a high-pitched voice as he fell on the cold floor with a loud thud.

Yeonjun immediately helped him up while Beomgyu wrapped an arm around Yeonjun's shoulders and stood up while rubbing his butt.

The elder chuckled while looking at Beomgyu, "Why did you scream? Oh my god," Yeonjun brushed a hand through his messy locks while still laughing at the younger male. Beomgyu glared at him with red cheeks, "Shut up."

"What?" Yeonjun raised his brows with a laugh, "It's you who screamed and fell on your butt. Now, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" he winked at the younger boy who only grimaced.

"You're weird, go away," Beomgyu frowned, his ears turning redder with every second passing by. It was embarrassing waking up and realizing that you slept with your ex and worse, you slept on their lap.

Yeonjun only tilted his head with a grin and ruffled Beomgyu's hair, "No."

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, "Lemon head that mutated to a strawberry head."

"What?" Yeonjun had an unreadable look on his face which caused Beomgyu to laugh out loud while pointing at his pink hair.

✿

Days went on like hours and seasons. It was still Autumn, the orange leaves still not done with their show.

6 o'clock in the evening.

Beomgyu went to the hospital to visit a friend he made in the company. He just went out of their hospital room and began walking down the busy hallways with his hands buried in his pockets. It was a cold night in the hospital (good thing he wore his fluffy brown jacket tonight), he could hear subtle chatterings from patients and visitors too.

On his way to the exit, he walked past the hospital's cafeteria. But when the cafeteria doors opened in time when Beomgyu was in front of them, Beomgyu met gazes with a doctor (or more like an intern).

Beomgyu's eyes widened.

"Taehyun?"

The aforementioned boy smiles, "Beomgyu Hyung, what's up?"

The two of them went back inside the almost empty cafeteria and sat down facing each other at a table. Beomgyu quickly bought a can of cola because Taehyun had already finished eating his lunch.

"It's been a while, how are you?" Taehyun asked with a bright smile.

Beomgyu shrugged with a small smile, "Life's been okay. Nothing exciting is happening." Well, except for that strawberry head.

Taehyun chuckled while nodding, "Yeah, I get that."

"How about you?" asked Beomgyu while tilting his head, "You're a doctor now?"

"Intern," Taehyun corrected while raising his hand, then he pointed his finger at Beomgyu, "but I'm getting there." He grinned along with Beomgyu who cooed while nodding.

"Good luck," Beomgyu smiled, Taehyun nodded, "Yeah, thanks."

Suddenly, Taehyun's phone beeped. He grabbed it from his pocket and unlocked it. He quickly typed something while Beomgyu just watched him while drinking from his can of cola.

After a few more moments, Taehyun placed his phone on the table and looked at Beomgyu again with a small smile. "Was that Hyuka?" Beomgyu couldn't help but ask, that's what curiosity does to a person.

"Yeah," Taehyun confirmed with an endearing smile, "he's always texting me to make sure I'm still eating well even when I'm busy."

"Oh, right," Beomgyu nodded, "He waits... for you? Outside the hospital?"

Taehyun stared at him for a few seconds before sighing, "Yeah, Hyuka always waits for me even though I always try to convince him not to. And because I can't get him to just stay in our home, I always come back to him when I can so he won't get tired or sick from waiting out there," the boy chuckled while looking down on the table, "I'll give him time when I make time."

Beomgyu stared at him before breaking out a smile, "That's nice..."

There was silence. The cafeteria slowly gets emptier and emptier, the noises toning down and down as the number of people decreases.

"How's work?" Taehyun asked again, the elder looked at him before sighing and placing his can on the table.

"Stressful. I got scolded." Beomgyu breathed in before sighing once again.

"Oh?" Taehyun blinked, "that's tough." The boy slumped his shoulders.

"Yeah..." Beomgyu slid his finger around the top of his can, "but I'll do better. Yeonjun Hyung told me to think of myself too so I'm unwinding."

Taehyun perks up, "Really?"

Beomgyu looks at him with a smile, "Yeah, really."

This made the younger one smile, "Tell me, if it's okay, what are you two now?"

The question zippered Beomgyu's lips. What are they now? What are we now? He didn't actually know. Friends? They do act like friends. They've been there for each other. Teasing each other like friends. Even Yeonjun said that they're friends.

Hesitant.

But Beomgyu answers.

"Ah, friends...?" There was uncertainty. But it was the truth. They were friends. That's what Yeonjun said.

But why doesn't it feel right?

Beomgyu shrugged off the thought, he's just overthinking this.

"Hesitant?"

Beomgyu looks at him with slightly wide eyes and parted lips. "Well, no. It's... just what we are," he tries to be convincing enough. But a person filled with doubts will also fill his lie with doubts too. It would never go obscure when you're not even sure what to say.

And Taehyun wasn't buying it either.

He's been there before.

"Think about it more, Hyung," Taehyun says with stern eyes. Beomgyu could only stare at him, his words clogged up in his throat.

Taehyun stood up with a small smile, he looked at his wristwatch before speaking, "Before it's too late. Again."

And Beomgyu watched him as he left the cafeteria while waving.

Beomgyu took a deep breath and sighed.

Think about it more?

Beomgyu wasn't so sure. What was there to even think about? Would he even want to think about it more? He wasn't so sure.

And if Beomgyu were to describe the only thing he feels right now, he'd answer you one thing.

Hesitant.

✿ Bloom Again ✿