Chapter 14: I fear, yet I love

I fear, yet I love

✿

Sunday evening.

As the sun soon hid from the sky, in less than seconds, the ocean above their heads was now filled with stars. However, they won't let this night pass without having to savor its warm and comfortable atmosphere. They were all seated around a bonfire, the wind blowing through their hair as they continued to spark up different conversations. They were still in front of the sea, their shoes against the white sand with a bottle of drink in their hands.

"No, but I really needed some time away from work," Wooyoung opened up, "It's been exhausting lately, and I'll probably get drained if I won't go on a vacation sooner or later."

Yeonjun nodded and drank from his can of cola, "It's true, even I needed some space off work. You know, just a little fresh air and maybe some ramen."

The others chuckled at his statement. Nonetheless, they all could agree to what they said. Life's been tough, it can be arduous, and they all needed some time away from the difficulties. Besides, life's not all about work or studies. During the times when you chose to lock yourself away with all your responsibilities, those were the times when life happened. But of course, you can't be blamed for that. Sometimes, we just think that life's too short.

"I agree too," Taehyun suddenly joined in the conversation, "I've been inside my room studying lately, if not, I'm at the hospital for training and stuff. I'm halfway there, so I feel like I shouldn't waste any more time."

He spared Huening Kai a soft glance before leaning on his shoulder, his hand went on to hold the younger male's bigger one before continuing his long-been-held thoughts, "It's been really draining lately, but I'm glad Kai was with me through the ups and downs. Now that we're here, I can say that this was the break I needed other than being with Kai."

Huening Kai couldn't help it. He wore a bright smile and gave Taehyun's tummy a gentle rub to lighten up the boy's mood. It surely helped Taehyun. Kai's touch, words, and movements have always been soft when they were dedicated to him.

The others felt happy after hearing what Taehyun had said. They could tell how work was so hard for him just by the dullness in his eyes, but whenever those pairs would meet gazes with Kai, they'd always twinkle.

"Lia and I had tiring days due to work too," Soobin was the next one to speak, "The café has been really packed up these past few days. We needed to spin that sign to 'close' too."

Soobin chuckled and looked at Lia, the lady only smiled at him and drank from her bottle of juice too. Working together in one place was really something they planned, they both enjoyed it and they would never get rid of such a setup. However, of course, they also needed some time away to go on breaks with each other as well. This was a great opportunity for them to unwind.

"Looks like everyone's been having it rough lately," Hyunjin managed to squeeze in the quiet air, he grinned and leaned against his seat, "I guess this was a great choice. Too bad I couldn't bring Seungmin, his break is a few days from now so the timing didn't go along well."

"That's fine," Beomgyu finally said, "As long as he'll have his own break, too, then there's nothing to be sad about."

"I guess," Hyunjin nodded while smiling. He also drank from his bottle of cola.

"Oh!" Huening Kai suddenly stood up from his seat, the others looked at him as they waited for his next words.

"I know another great way to release your stress," Huening Kai beamed a smile before walking into their tent. The others tried to look at him with curiosity as he rummaged through his stuff. Soon enough, he walked out with a guitar in his hand.

"You brought a guitar!" Yeonjun excitedly watched him walk back to his seat.

"Of course, I did," Huening Kai grinned and positioned the guitar on his knee. The others couldn't hold back their happiness when they saw the wooden instrument, a guitar was definitely one of the best things to play around a bonfire.

Huening Kai looked at them, "What song should I play? Everyone can sing along too."

"Ah," Beomgyu slowly raised his hand, Yeonjun immediately looked at him, "How about Sleep Tonight?"

"Oh, by December Avenue?" Huening Kai followed with a question as he fixed the guitar, when he saw Beomgyu nod, he smiled, "I actually love that song."

Beomgyu sunk in his seat with a small smile, the fire gave his face a sweet glow that Yeonjun absolutely adored, "Me too. It's like someone's assuring you that they'll be there with you until you're fast asleep."

Huening Kai hummed with a smile, and with that — once everyone had already settled down and gave their full anticipation to him — Huening Kai started strumming the strings of his guitar. Everyone swayed from side to side, lips humming as they curved into content smiles. The stars were shining inside their eyes as they stared at Kai who was softly playing his instrument.

"So lay now, hear me all through the night. There's no teardrop, you can count on me tonight," Beomgyu started singing along with the melody, Huening Kai immediately threw him a glance along with a smile of enthusiasm.

It was the first time they ever heard Beomgyu sing, even Yeonjun, but he swore to himself to listen carefully to the younger male's soft voice. It was low, a bit husky, but it was absolutely mesmerizing. Yeonjun felt like his heartbeat sang along with the guitar and Beomgyu's beautiful sound.

Huening Kai was indeed right.

He needed this to ease his worries.

Beomgyu was his home, and a person would often need to have keys to get in, but with Beomgyu — Yeonjun never had to look under the doormat for anything to use in order to twist the lock. Beomgyu would willingly be the one to open the door for him.

And as it hit the chorus, everyone started to sing along. Yeonjun broke out of his own train of thoughts and proceeded to sing with them too, "Baby, it's alright. I'll be right by your side, no need to cry out loud, nothing to cry about."

Too much in the feels and mood of the song, Beomgyu gently closed his eyes while singing. That served as an opportunity for Yeonjun to stare at him once again: Beomgyu's eyelashes blended well with his fair skin, the red hue caressed his face like a warm blush was all over his cheeks. His lips were curved into a pretty smile as he kept singing the lyrics, his body swayed from left to right.

That was everything that Yeonjun needed.

"I'll be just by your side, I'll keep you on my sight, I'll never leave 'til you sleep tonight," The song ended with Yeonjun still staring at the person in front of him. Beomgyu hummed and opened his eyes, and with doing so, he immediately made eye contact with Yeonjun — a blush made its way to his cheeks as he stared at the elder who never wore down the endearing curve in his lips.

Beomgyu felt like he just found his new favorite song.

"Who else knows how to play the guitar?" Asked Huening Kai as he slowly lifted the instrument with his hands.

And with Yeonjun's eyes still not fully leaving Beomgyu, he saw how the younger male raised his hand with a shy smile written all over his face. Yeonjun felt his chest tighten at that, he's never seen Beomgyu play the guitar.

Come to think of it, Yeonjun was starting to realize that there were a lot of things of which he didn't quite know nor see from Beomgyu. Yet they've known each other for years, all too well, but there were layers he just unfolded tonight.

A little more push.

"Hyung? You can play the guitar?" Huening Kai queried with wide eyes. Taehyun was the one to answer, "Actually, he does. I've seen him play it quite a few times before."

Humming, Beomgyu only gave them a smile as he went on to grab the wooden instrument from Huening Kai's hands. He sat back down on his seat and positioned the guitar on his knee. God, he missed touching this. It's been a really long time since he last played it. He wasn't even sure if he still remembered all the chords. But an artist's hands never forget, right?

"What song?" Beomgyu gently asked while looking around the circle.

Yeonjun, who was still confused and curious, couldn't stop himself from raising a question, "You...you can play the guitar? I've never seen you play it."

Beomgyu stared at the elder male's face for a while, he chuckled and answered, "There was just a point when I lost interest and it was way back...when we haven't met yet."

A deafening silence then came to the picture. Beomgyu awkwardly fiddled with the guitar strings while glancing at everyone. He gulped.

"Me after you," Yeonjun suddenly said with a soft voice, yet everyone heard it loud and clear. They looked at him but the pink-haired male only kept his gaze fixed on Beomgyu, his lips shifted to a smile, "Do you know the chords to that?"

Through the sparks that flew from the fire, the stars could be seen in Beomgyu's wide eyes. He nervously nodded, he knew the song, he knew how to play it too. Beomgyu fixed the guitar on his hands before taking one more breath, then his fingers came to strum gently — like a river flow that was satiating in someone's ears.

"After I met you, I've been happy with small changes," Yeonjun carefully sang, as if he were whispering those words into Beomgyu's ears.

Beomgyu didn't bother looking away from his guitar as he continued to play, "When we understand each other about little things, I was surprised that we got used to each other, I love you."

However, Yeonjun's eyes never left him. He kept his attention on no one but Beomgyu. From the way the younger male plucked the strings, to the way he gently swayed with the melody. Yeonjun loved how Beomgyu looked with the guitar in his tender hands.

"I was able to love you so much because you embraced and understood my young and immature mind warmly," Beomgyu suddenly sang, his voice resonating in Yeonjun's ears.

The lyrics seemed to be painful at this moment. If Beomgyu weren't playing right now, he would have clenched his fists already, "I'm sorry that I couldn't do more for you, I'm selfish and nervous, but I wanted to treat you well."

And for the first time since he started playing, Beomgyu slowly looked at Yeonjun with anxious eyes, "Are you happy after meeting me too?" He gently sang into the heavy air.

But Yeonjun heard it as he was singing along as well. While Beomgyu strummed the last chords, he kept staring at Yeonjun. With that, remembering the last lyrics Beomgyu had said, Yeonjun wore a small smile and nodded once.

Beomgyu said he lost interest in playing the guitar, but he might just reconsider after tonight.

He's got a whole new reason to continue strumming the guitar.

✿

"Let's play a game."

They were all now seated closer to each other, bodies still wrapped with their jackets and coats. Wooyoung grinned, "Another game?"

Hyunjin shrugged with a smile, "Of course, we can't let this wonderful night end without playing."

The others only nodded while laughing, it's their last night here so might as well make the best of it before they leave tomorrow afternoon. Besides, the sky was still glistening, the moon was still shining, even the waves remained calm yet alive.

"Okay," Yeonjun playfully scoffed, "What game?"

"It goes like," Hyunjin stood up and pulled out a coin from his pocket, "We're in circle and the person beside you will ask you something, but you have to keep it to yourselves through whispering. And then, once you got the question, you have to answer out loud but we'd have no clue what your question was."

Soobin smiled, "That sounds fun. What's the coin for?"

Hyunjin smirked as he showed them the coin, "I'll flip it after every question is answered. If it's tails, the question won't get revealed. However, if it's heads, the one who asked must say the question out loud."

Taehyun immediately raised his hand, "I'll start off!"

And so, the game started with Taehyun asking Kai who was beside him. It went on and on with a mixture of laughter and teasing. Beomgyu couldn't describe how he was feeling, he was both happy and fidgeting. What was Soobin going to ask him? Soobin was the one beside him after all. What if it's something embarrassing and the question needed to get revealed?

The moment came when Soobin ushered him to lean closer. The younger male followed and moved closer to Soobin's place. After having Beomgyu near him, Soobin whispered into his ear. He already thought of this question since earlier, and he really wanted to know Beomgyu's answer.

After comprehending what Soobin asked, Beomgyu's ears turned into a darker shade of red as his hands tightened their grasp on the chair. He looked at Soobin with wide eyes but the elder only gave him a thumbs up. Beomgyu gnawed on his lower lip as he slowly turned to look at everyone who was waiting for his answer with no context.

Beomgyu's eyes then landed on Yeonjun who was quietly looking at him with an inquisitive spark twinkling in his eyes. He grew more flustered.

"Yes..." Beomgyu answered with an embarrassed tone in his voice. Soobin happily clapped his hands as his eyes lit up in glee.

When everyone saw how Soobin reacted, Hyunjin quickly flipped the coin as he wanted to know what the question was as well. Beomgyu nervously gulped as he watched the coin flip into the cold air.

Tails.

Heads.

Tails.

Heads.

Hyunjin caught the coin and placed it on his wrist, he slowly removed his hand to look at the coin but immediately frowned when he saw the result.

"Tails."

Beomgyu heaved a heavy sigh as he slumped back his seat. Yeonjun wouldn't even deny it, he felt disappointed. What was the question that Soobin asked? He seemed very happy when Beomgyu answered with a yes.

"Whatever," Hyunjin pouted and pointed at Beomgyu, "Go on and ask Wooyoung a question, let's continue with the game."

Yeonjun desperately wanted to know what made Beomgyu blush.

✿

It was already past 12, midnight. It grew colder and colder because of the ocean. Yeonjun breathed in; the smell of the waves fresh and salty. He buried his hands in his pockets as he kept his gaze fixed on the far distance, he was standing in front of the vast blue water, his hair continuously pushed back by the wind.

Everyone was already preparing to sleep inside their tents, including Beomgyu who was now close to slumber as he pulled the sheets closer to his skin.

Yeonjun kept silent until he felt a hand hold his shoulder, he turned to see Soobin smiling at him. Yeonjun returned the gesture, "Hi, Bin."

"Are you not sleepy yet?" Soobin asked as he looked at the waves too.

"Not really," Yeonjun merely shrugged.

"And why is that?" Soobin chuckled, eyes still not leaving the ocean.

Yeonjun sighed, "I'm just...thinking about something. That's all."

"Ah," Soobin nodded, "I've got something to ask you, by the way."

Not even sparing the younger male a glance, Yeonjun proceeded to say, "Ask away."

There was a short silence before Soobin finally opened his mouth, "What are you really waiting for? You've been keeping this relationship like this for so long already. When are you gonna end this and start something better?"

This time, Yeonjun looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "Care to elaborate?"

Yeonjun didn't know what Soobin was referring to, but there was an unsettling feeling at the back of his mind.

"Do you wanna know what I asked Beomgyu back then? The question of which he answered with a yes?" Soobin's eyes formed crescents as he smiled at his elder brother.

With the waves crashing in front of them, Yeonjun pushed through his words, "What...?"

That was actually the thing that was keeping him from sleeping. He really wanted to know what Soobin had asked him a while ago. And now that Soobin was going to tell him, he couldn't hide the fact that he's looking forward to it. Just what did cause Beomgyu to blush?

"I just asked him if..." Soobin looked down on their feet, then at the ocean, Yeonjun was growing impatient though but he decided to wait.

The sound of the waves turned muffled when Soobin continued.

"If Yeonjun asked you to marry him, what would you answer?"

Just like that, along with the stars that seemed to shine brighter, Yeonjun's eyes widened as the tips of his ears turned red. He felt a knot around his throat as he failed to speak his mind, even his thoughts were scattered and panicking, he didn't know what to say. His hands twitched and his heart was daring to jump out of his chest.

Beomgyu said yes?

Yeonjun loved the sound of that.

"He...he really answered yes to that?" Yeonjun just couldn't sink it in. Lots and lots of realizations came crashing on him like the loud waves that never stopped on crawling for land.

There was a pause before Soobin nodded, "Is that the push you were waiting for?"

"Stop waiting for more," Soobin faced him, "What? Are you waiting for a crow to have the same hair color as you?" Soobin chuckled, Yeonjun did the same, "You've got all the time in the world, but don't use it for this. Might as well just spend the rest of it with Beomgyu having a ring around his finger."

And Soobin was right. He's always been right. Yeonjun felt like Soobin was the elder brother here, he couldn't help but hug him — tightly like a little one craving for his loved one's embrace. He whispered a small "Thank you" to Soobin's ear, the younger male only hummed while patting his back.

"Beomgyu already said yes before you could ask," Soobin said, hands still patting the elder male's back, "That alone says a lot."

The ice melted and Yeonjun could feel the warmth blooming in his chest, he was nervous, scared even. Dreadful of the thought that he might just be too weak to resist now.

No, he was petrified that he might have already given in.

But right now, he wasn't so afraid.

✿

The darkness stretched further into the horizon, the ocean waves continued to glisten along with the dancing lights above it. Yeonjun slowly walked into Beomgyu's tent with hushed movements. It was warmer inside, the little orange glow on the corner gave the place a sunset color. Yeonjun's eyes then met a sleeping boy.

His tread of steps made its way to Beomgyu who was in deep slumber on the bed. Yeonjun slowly sat on the side while staring at the younger male. He swore to himself that he was about to cry just by the mere sight of him, how long have they been broken and apart?

Years.

Yet all those didn't matter anymore at this moment. Yeonjun would still do everything for Beomgyu, and although it scared him, he still wouldn't run away. He told himself that he'll put himself first from now on, the same goes for Beomgyu, but right now...if he really loved himself, wouldn't he choose to pull Beomgyu back again because he made him happy?

Stop delaying and get on with it. Yeonjun felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders and chest. He breathed out before holding Beomgyu's warm hand.

I wanted to do everything for you, Yeonjun bit his lip, and I still feel the same way until now.

Beomgyu stirred in his sleep and turned to his side, completely facing Yeonjun who stared at him in a loving way. He pulled Beomgyu's hand up and placed a small and gentle kiss on his knuckles. Beomgyu's hand always belonged to Yeonjun's bigger one, he'll never feel the same warmth if it weren't Beomgyu's hand he's holding — he wouldn't feel safe, he wouldn't feel at home.

With the fluorescent light shining in the corner, Yeonjun pulled something from his pocket and stared at it. He smiled and held Beomgyu's hand tighter.

Yeonjun took another breath in before leaning closer to Beomgyu's face, "I love you," he whispered into Beomgyu's ear.

Yeonjun then moved to Beomgyu's forehead and placed a soft kiss there. The tent was silent, the waves kept crashing, and Yeonjun was sure the night would end well this time.

"I love you with no more buts..." Yeonjun continued to whisper, "I love you."

To say "I love you but..." would be meaningless. It would be like saying you never really loved the person. If you love them, you love them. No more buts, no more pretending, no more denying. "I love you" and nothing less after those words. No more end, no more nothing. There might be fear, but never doubts. There might be a start, but never an end. And Yeonjun was certain that were was no escape to this now.

"I love you," was what he said, and those words never had an ending.

✿ Bloom Again ✿

[a/n]: and the next update will be the epilogue :)

"I say run!

Laugh like you've gone mad

Time to say goodbye to tears."

- TOMORROW X TOGETHER, LO$ER=LO♡ER.