Suppression

MIRANDA

~It wasn’t that Miranda didn’t know. She did.~

~On the Monday morning after Jeff started his abuse, Miranda walked into Rainey’s room. She frowned, seeing her daughter still in her pajamas.~

~Rainey was usually ahead of the game, more mature than other kids her age. She’d wake up before Miranda, take a bath, and get ready for school.~

~If their house had been closer to the school, Rainey would have walked there herself. She was that independent.~

~But that morning was different, and Miranda was upset to see her daughter falling behind.~

~She’d noticed other changes too. Rainey was playing with her food instead of eating it, and she didn’t seem to enjoy the things she used to.~

~Miranda chalked it up to puberty. Rainey was always ahead of her peers, so maybe she was just growing up a little faster.~

~“Why aren’t you dressed yet? You’re a big girl. Do I need to dress you myself?”~

~She moved towards Rainey, her face stern as she reached for the small skirt on the bed.~

~As she took hold of Rainey’s arm, she noticed something on her thin legs.~

~Red handprints.~

~Miranda stared at the pink bruises in shock, swallowing hard before looking at her daughter. “What happened to your legs?”~

~Rainey looked scared. “Uncle Jeff did it. I told him I didn’t like it, but he keeps doing it.”~

~Miranda froze as her little girl continued to talk.~

~“Are you going to be mad at me? He said if I told you, you’d hate me and bad people would come and take me away. I don’t want to leave you.”~

~Rainey was close to tears, and Miranda felt all the color drain from her face. She cleared her throat and lifted her daughter off the bed.~

~“Turn around.”~

~Rainey turned, and Miranda saw the long line of bruises on the back of her legs.~

~She covered her mouth with her hand, tears welling in her eyes. She’d seen this before and knew that Jeff was hurting her daughter in more ways than one.~

~“Are you going to hate me, Mom?”~

~Rainey looked down, trying to hold back her tears. Miranda shook her head.~

~“No, Rain. I won’t hate you. Let’s get your skirt on.”~

~Miranda took Rainey to school that day, a task usually done by Jeff. But after what Rainey had told her and the bruises she’d seen, she didn’t want him anywhere near her daughter.~

~At school, Rainey told her teacher that she wanted her mom to drop her off from now on, not Jeff.~

~The teacher looked at Miranda questioningly, but she just forced a smile and said, “Kids,” choosing not to explain.~

~When Miranda got home that day, she was furious. She slammed the door open.~

~Jeff, who was sitting on the couch watching TV, looked up in surprise as she stormed towards him.~

~“What’s your problem?” He stood up just in time for Miranda to slap him hard across the face.~

~“WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE BRUISES ON MY DAUGHTER?!”~

~He sighed, rubbing his cheek. He didn’t look sorry or concerned.~

~“Are you crazy? Do you want to get me in trouble?~

~“What if Child Services finds out? I’d get all the blame. I’m the one who brought a man into my child’s life. I have a reputation to uphold, you jerk!”~

~“Calm down, Miranda. It wasn’t me.” He tried to grab her arm, but she pulled away, closing her eyes and gritting her teeth.~

~“Don’t lie to me, Jeff. Don’t you dare lie to me.”~

~He let out a heavy sigh.~

~“Are you sick? A child, Jeff? Really? You’re a monster!”~

~“Okay, it was me. I won’t do it again, okay? Can you forgive me? I know I don’t deserve it…and what I did was wrong.” He stepped towards her, and she stepped back.~

~“No. Get out. Pack your things and get out.”~

~“Miranda.”~

~“Leave! And leave the keys to the car I bought you on the counter. I never want to see your disgusting face again.”~

~She turned to walk away, but Jeff was already wrapping his arms around her, holding her tight. He kissed her cheek as she tried to pull away.~

~But she wasn’t trying very hard.~

~“Listen, I’m sorry. I don’t have an excuse for what I did, but I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Look at everything we’ve been through, Miranda. We’ve stuck together through thick and thin. Just forgive me.~

~“The media knows about us. We’re in fashion magazines. We’re the power couple of the fashion industry.~

~“Do you want to throw all that away? People will think you can’t keep a man, Miranda. You just got divorced, and breaking up with your young lover so soon…”~

~Jeff knew how to manipulate people. He and Greg were both good at that. And Miranda was a weak, selfish woman who cared too much about what others thought of her.~

~So it didn’t take much for her to forgive him. His heartfelt speech, his cocky smirk, and his strong arms around her were all it took for her to give in.~

~And to abandon her daughter.~

~So it continued. Jeff kept hurting Rainey as she grew up, and Miranda kept looking the other way.~

~Every chance he got, he’d touch her in ways he shouldn’t, and her mom would notice but stay silent.~

~She’d hear the soft sobs of her daughter at night, and she’d feel the bed shift as Jeff slipped out to commit his sins.~

~But she never said a word, fearing the damage it would do to her reputation and relationship.~

~She’d cry quietly in bed some nights, but over time, her guilt and sympathy for her child were replaced by her “love” for status and this man.~

~Slowly but surely.~

~Soon, it felt normal to her, and she didn’t care as much as she used to. Her soul was long gone.~

~Rainey endured it all alone. She didn’t tell her dad, because Jeff would manipulate her with threats that made her tremble.~

~“If you tell your dad, he’ll be mad, and he’ll want to kill me, and then he’ll go to prison. Do you want that?”~

~“If you tell anyone, they’ll take you away from your mom, and you won’t see her again.”~

~“If you tell your teachers, some really bad people will come for you and take you far away from here, where you’ll never see your daddy or mommy again.~

~“They’ll give you a new daddy and mommy, and they’ll beat you, starve you, and lock you in their basement.”~

~By the time Rainey was twelve, she’d become numb to it all and no longer cried when the man touched her inappropriately.~

~She’d stare blankly at the ceiling or into space, pretending in her mind that she wasn’t the one going through this.~

~To cope, she started smoking, getting piercings, and partying, but she hated the idea of a boy touching her.~

~She was insecure about her body and disgusted by the thought of sexual intimacy.~

~She tried to tell her mother about the abuse, but Miranda would quickly change the subject, pretending she didn’t know about her daughter’s pain.~

~When Rainey turned fourteen, things took a drastic turn.~

~After school, she went to the tattoo parlor with Riley and had the artist design an eagle with shackled feet on her back.~

~She got home late that evening and walked into her living room to find Jeff on the couch with a beer.~

~“You’re late,” he said, glaring at her in obvious disapproval.~

~She’d had a long day and didn’t want to talk, so she headed for the stairs. But Jeff wasn’t having it.~

~“I’m talking to you, Rainey!”~

~“Could you please, for the love of God, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!” she yelled, burying her hands in her hair as if she wanted to rip it out.~

~“Just get the fuck off my case. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of you. Goddammit!” She stormed up to her room, slamming the door behind her in a rage.~

~She lay on her stomach and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath to calm her anger.~

~In the darkness of her mind, she saw herself stabbing Jeff over and over, his blood covering the knife and her hands as she smiled over his body.~

~She squeezed her eyes shut and jerked her feet, counting to ten slowly to banish the sinful thoughts. She couldn’t kill someone and ruin her future.~

~The door to her room was thrown open, interrupting her thoughts. She turned and propped herself up on her elbows to see a shirtless and furious Jeff standing there.~

~Her earlier confidence faltered when she saw the evil in his eyes.~

~“Who the fuck were you talking to?”~

~She swallowed.~

~“I’m the man in this house, and you should respect that. How old do you think you are? You think because you’re growing up that you can fucking talk to me however you like and get away with it?~

~“Oh, you’re a big girl now, huh? Do you know what comes with being a big girl?” He scoffed. “Then maybe it’s time I step it up a notch. Maybe you’re ready for a higher level.~

~“You’ll get what big girls get.”~

~He started to undo his belt, and Rainey’s face went pale. She jumped up and ran for the door, but he grabbed her arm and threw her onto the bed.~

~He quickly climbed on top of her small body, and Rainey beat at his chest in desperation.~

~“GET OFF ME!”~

~“I’ll teach you who runs this shit. I’m the man around here, and you will respect that!” He grabbed her arms as she squirmed and cried out.~

~“Get off me!” Tears streamed down her face.~

~She knew that no one had ever come to her rescue, that Jeff always got his way in the end. So she was terrified of what was to come, scared that she would lose the only thing she had left.~

~“Don’t touch me! Stop! Daddy!!”~

~“Shut up. Has your daddy ever come to your rescue? No! He’s much too busy for that, for you.”~

~He tried to kiss her, and she turned her face away, writhing beneath him as he gripped her jaw painfully and forced her to face him.~

~“Keep still!”~

~He tried to kiss her again, but she spat in his face. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, wiping the spit away. When he opened his eyes again, they were filled with pure evil.~

~He slapped her across the face, the force of it turning her head to the side. He grabbed her arms and pinned them above her head as he fumbled with his jeans.~

~“Jeff?! Rainey?!” Her mom’s voice came from downstairs, and Jeff looked back in surprise. She wasn’t supposed to be home from work yet.~

~Rainey seized the opportunity to bite his arm. As he hissed in pain, she slid out from under him and ran for the door.~

~“Damn.” Jeff hopped off the bed in a hurry to stop her.~

~Her socks slipped on the slick floor as she dashed down to her startled mother.~

~“Rainey?”~

~She threw herself into her bewildered mom, hugging her tightly and hiding her face in her shirt.~

~She was crying, trembling. Her hair was a mess, and her clothes were disheveled.~

~Miranda tried to get a look at her daughter’s face, her eyebrows knitted together in worry. “Rainey?”~

~Jeff, who had hoped to catch her before she made it downstairs, froze at the bottom of the stairs, his jaw clenched in guilt.~

~Miranda glanced at him, then back at her daughter, suspicion in her eyes. “What’s going on, Rainey?”~

~“He… He…” She struggled to speak through her sobs. “He tried to…”~

~Miranda didn’t need to hear the rest. She knew what her daughter was trying to say. She looked at Jeff, noticing his unbuckled belt and guilty expression.~

~She went pale, her teeth gritted. “Rain…” She pulled her daughter back, who cried into her hands.~

~“Go to your room, okay?”~

~Rainey looked at her in fear. “But he’ll…”~

~“It’s okay. Go to your room. I’ll be up soon.”~

~Rainey sobbed but did as she was told, cautiously walking past Jeff, who watched her as she climbed the stairs.~

~Miranda stormed over to him as he held up his hands. “Miranda, I can explain. I was just—”~

~She slapped him across the face. “Am I not fucking good enough that you have to go after my fourteen-year-old daughter?”~

~“Miranda, come on.”~

~“You’ve crossed a line, Jeff. This is too much, and I can’t handle it anymore. Please leave.”~

~It was always like this. She would tell him to leave, but they both knew he wasn’t going anywhere.~

~“Please, Miranda. I was just teaching her a lesson, that’s all. She was rude to me, and I just wanted to scare her.”~

~“Get out, Jeffrey!”~

~“I won’t do it again. You know you can’t live without me. Come on. I was just trying to scare her, that’s all. I wasn’t going to do anything. Miranda, please.”~

~And just like that—with hardly any effort—Jeff won her forgiveness.~

~He had Miranda under his thumb, and her easy forgiveness only empowered him to hurt her daughter. Miranda was too self-absorbed to care about that, though.~

~She went up to Rainey’s room after a round of sex with her man.~

~She found her daughter sitting against her bed with red, swollen eyes, and she sat down next to her as Rainey moved closer.~

~“Mom, please make Jeff leave. I don’t want him here. He came in and was trying to—”~

~“Jeff says he’s sorry and that he was just messing with you.~

~“He only came in here to talk to you about the consequences of staying out late, but you misunderstood and ran away from him as if he were trying to touch you.”~

~Rainey stiffened. “W-what? That’s not it. He—”~

~“Rain,” Miranda sighed, turning to face her distraught daughter, “let’s just live in peace, okay? I’ve been through so much these past few years with the divorce and work, and I’m tired.~

~“I just want to be happy. Don’t you want me to be happy? I’m struggling, and Jeff keeps me grounded. I need him here, so please just cooperate.~

~“He was only trying to talk to you. He wasn’t going to hurt you, so don’t blow this out of proportion.~

~“I know you’re a little paranoid, since Jeff isn’t your real dad. But I promise you that he won’t hurt you.~

~“Rainey, I need to maintain my dignity and my status in the business world. Without it, we could lose everything. You understand that, right?”~

~“Get out.”~

~Miranda sighed. “Rain…”~

~“GET THE FUCK OUT! Now! Get out! Get out, now!” She threw her pillow at her, and Miranda held up her hand, taking a sharp breath before standing up and leaving the room.~

~Each sob came from deep within as Rainey cried out, clutching her duvet in anger.~

~She was hurt, angry, furious.~

~Her mother knew what she was going through, yet blatantly ignored it and tried to make her daughter look foolish.~

~Like she was the one overreacting. Like what Jeff was doing was all in her head.~

~Rainey called her dad that night, asking if she could stay with him. Unfortunately, he was out of the country.~

~He asked her what was wrong, but Rain decided not to tell him. She didn’t want to disrupt his business trip, and getting him involved might not have ended well for him.~

~She decided that she would just have to stand up for herself until she was old enough to move out and live on her own.~

~Rainey hated to admit it, but deep down she was scared of the world outside. It was a frightening thought to grow up sheltered and then suddenly be thrust into a world full of unknowns.~

~She was afraid of the injustice that might be waiting for her and that these two men would somehow find her and easily take advantage of her.~

~Even though her mom did nothing to protect her, Rainey felt safe knowing that she was under the same roof as her. Being alone would give the men the opportunity to hurt her without anyone to interrupt.~

~Then there was the sad thought that maybe if she stayed, her mom would start to love her again, start treating her the way she used to when she was married to her dad.~

Rainey decided to take control. She had a locksmith install Bowley locks on her door. These locks have a unique design that shields the pins inside, making them impossible to pick without a specially designed key.

She was careful to always lock her door at night, the time when the monster usually came to visit.

She did her best to avoid Jeff and Greg, but she couldn’t help the chill that ran down her spine whenever she had to pass them to get to her room.

Despite her best efforts to protect herself, Jeff wasn’t done with her yet.

One day, Rainey came home early from school to an empty house. She quickly headed to the kitchen to make herself some dinner.

Jeff came home to find her alone and immediately tried to put his hand under her blouse. But this time, things didn’t go as he planned.

Rainey grabbed a knife from the counter and stabbed him in the hand he had pressed against it. She pushed him away from her as he clutched his bleeding hand and grunted in pain.

It was the first time she’d ever fought back like that, and Jeff was taken aback by her violent reaction.

Rainey’s eyes were fearless as she pointed the knife at him. Jeff could hear the genuine threat in her voice as she warned him.

“Touch me again and I’ll kill you. I’m not ten anymore, and I’m not that weak girl I once was. So fucking try me, if you want me to cut your throat, you disgusting son of a bitch.”

Jeff realized then that she was growing up and he wouldn’t be able to manipulate her as he had before. His abuse became much more difficult.

He couldn’t find a way around her, and since she started staying out late or locking herself in her room, it became even more challenging for him.

So the fact that he hadn’t assaulted her in four years wasn’t because he’d suddenly developed a conscience.

It was simply because he couldn’t find a way to carry out his disgusting mission.

She knew that no one was there to protect her, so she had to protect herself.

***

Rainey managed to tell Ansel about her painful past. Her voice was shaky, still uneven from crying so hard.

She was facing away from him, his arms wrapped around her. Not being able to see his face gave her the courage to speak.

She hated sympathy. She hated feeling like a sad case or the weird girl being abused by her mother’s boyfriend.

Maybe that’s why she kept it a secret. Pretending it wasn’t happening made her feel normal, and it saved her from the pitying looks.

Her eyes were red and swollen. Each sob came from a deep place inside her where she’d buried the pain that only seemed to get worse with each passing day.

She hadn’t cried like that in a long time, especially not in front of anyone.

And it made her feel weak, like she’d given Ansel a piece of herself that she’d never trusted anyone else with.

It made her feel vulnerable, pitiful… and ~weak.~

She hated feeling weak.

“I’m sorry, Rain. God, I’m so sorry.”

She closed her eyes, a single tear slipping down her cheek as she swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” His voice was filled with regret, and Rainey clenched the sheet in her hand as she exhaled. “Why, Rain?”

She shrugged slightly as she licked her lips.

“It already happened,” she said so quietly that Ansel almost didn’t hear her. “It’s already a deep wound in my mind that won’t go away.”

“It’ll go away. I’ll help you forget about it all, okay? All the pain, all the hurt… They’ll go away soon.”

~Will they? She wasn’t so sure.~

“I wanna go home,” she whispered.

“Now?” Ansel was confused by her sudden decision to leave. He propped himself up on his elbow, trying to see her face.

“Yes.” Rainey sat up and reached for her blouse while Ansel got up beside her, holding her hand.

“You’re not okay yet. I don’t think you should.”

“Well, I think I should,” she said, pulling her hand away to put on her shirt. He couldn’t help but notice the pain and anger in her voice. She was still hurting. It was painfully obvious.

He sighed. “You should stay. With me.”

“I don’t want to.”

Ansel tilted his head to the side. “You don’t want to?”

“I just need time, that’s all.”

“Understood. I’ll take you home.”

“No. You don’t have to.”

She stood up and grabbed her bag, then turned to leave his room.

“Rain, wait.”

She turned around to face him, immediately noticing her black bra hanging from his finger. “I think you left this.”

Her cheeks turned red as she quickly walked over to take it, but Ansel pulled it back, looking into her eyes.

“You don’t have to hide it. It’s okay to feel hurt, you know? I won’t think you’re weak.”

His eyes seemed to see right through her, making her feel horribly exposed. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could stand being around him.

“I’m fine, actually.”

Ansel looked at her for a moment longer before sighing and handing her the bra. She took it and stuffed it into her bag.

“Bye,” she mumbled as she turned and left his room.

When she closed the door behind her, Ansel let out a heavy sigh and reached for his phone on the nightstand. He dialed his brother’s number as he leaned back against the headboard.

“Alex, can you take Rain and Riley home for me?”

••

RAINEY

Maybe it’s my own insecurities whispering in my ear, telling me I’m nothing but a burden to Ansel and his family.

When I look at my life and then at his, the differences are glaring. I can’t help but feel like I’m just going to bring him down.

After all, my life seems to be a magnet for chaos and bad luck.

As I stand here, looking at my reflection in the mirror, my mind races back to everything that’s happened since I met Ansel.

He’s always rescuing me from some mess, and I can’t help but wonder how much stress that’s put on him.

~The overweight cop at Tate’s party.~

~The ketchup incident in the gym.~

~Jeff’s embarrassing antics.~

~My mom’s hurtful words.~

~Jace’s bullying.~

And the list goes on, half of which I’d rather forget. But today was the last straw.

As if my past problems weren’t enough for him to deal with, I’ve now shown him how messed up I am, how I panic at the slightest touch from a guy.

Honestly, if he decided to avoid me after this, I wouldn’t blame him. I’d avoid me too.

Ansel has managed to break down my walls, and now I’m exposed and vulnerable, open to getting hurt.

My shell had given me a sense of safety and control, and now without it, I feel defenseless.

I’ve shown him a big part of me—my secrets and scars—and if he decides to leave one day, he’ll be taking a piece of my soul with him. That scares me.

“Are you okay?” Riley asks, looking up from her magazine. I’ve noticed her odd glances and questioning looks since I abruptly said I wanted to go home.

I sigh. “Yeah…” I reach for the scissors on my dresser. “Can you cut my hair for me?”

I’ve always wanted to cut my hair, and now seems like the perfect time. It’ll be a symbol, a sign that the old me from my dark past is gone.

Riley gets off the bed, looking at me skeptically. “You want to cut your hair? Why?”

I sigh. “Just for a change.” I hand her the scissors. “Right below my earlobe.”

“That short?”

“Yeah. It’ll grow back soon anyway.”

She shrugs, accepting my decision. “Okay, if that’s what you want.”

She gathers a few strands and starts to cut. I imagine each clump of brown hair falling to the floor as a piece of my old self being shed, making room for the new me.

I don’t want to live in the past, and reliving those painful moments earlier reminded me how dark and lonely that place is.

I want to move forward, and maybe changing my appearance is the first step.

“Wow, it actually looks really good.” Riley grins, setting the scissors down and running her hand through my hair. “You look badass!”

I laugh. I do look better with short hair.

Instead of cutting it to my earlobe, Riley stopped at mid-neck, but I decide not to scold her for not following my instructions. It doesn’t look half bad, after all.