Chapter 73: Things I'll Never Say

She's here. I can feel her.

She's in my head, under my skin.

I claw at myself, trying to get her out, but it doesn't work. She's still there. She just laughs-it's light and airy with a tinge of mockery. Her voice echos in my head. I scream, every fiber in my being desperate to get her out.

But she remains.

"This way we'll never be separated," She says. I scream.

My nails dig into my flesh as I scratch and scratch and scratch, desperate to be free from her. I claw at my arms, my chest, my neck, my face.

"Get out! Get out!" I scream.

"You're special, my chosen one."

"No!"

I keep scratching and scratching, screaming, crying.

I've got to get her out. I've got to get away from her.

"Five!"

I just want her out. But she's still there. She still has ahold of me. She's still inside me-the monster she created is still within me. I feel it.

"Five!"

"I'll always be with you, and I mean that very sincerely."

"Five, wake up!"

I jolt up in my bed, sweating, panting, eyes wide and terrified. The lights in the dorms are on, and everyone's awake, staring at me.

Sam has ahold my hands, and that's when I notice the blood under my fingernails, on my fingers, and on his shirt. I push myself away from him, eyes wide.

"Oh, God. Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"Stop struggling," He says, grabbing my hands. "You're bleeding."

I freeze. "What?"

That's when I feel the sting and hurt in my chest and neck, and on my arms and face. I look at the scratches on my arms, pink and inflamed, and my chest feels wet and sticky. That's when I realize it's not Sam's blood on his shirt, or under my nails.

It's mine.

I pull away from him, and raise a hand to my chest, my neck, and when I pull back I find that my entire palm is coated in blood. It gleams in the light.

I've scratched myself raw.

I can feel everyone's eyes on me, and I know what most of them are thinking. Some of them feel sorry for me, like Sam. I can see it in his eyes. He feels sad that I feel this way, but he's one of very few. The rest-they know I deserve this torture after what I've done. I deserve to grieve and cry and die a little bit more on the inside when I think about the things I've done.

I was a hero to them once, but not anymore.

"It's-it's not deep, but we still need something get stop the bleeding." Sam looks around frantically, but I quickly stand up, stepping away from him.

I don't miss how a few people back away from me.

"I'm fine," I say, trying to keep my voice from trembling. "I just... I just need some air."

"Five. Five!" Sam calls as I stand and practically sprint out the door. I know why they're all looking at me like that, but I still can't bear all of their eyes boring into me, knowing what I've done, and that I enjoyed it.

I loved it.

And I hate myself because of it.

So I do what I do best, and I run. I run away.

I'm always running.

But unfortunately, Sam's not going to let me run away this time. I can hear him calling after me as I leave the dorms, still bleeding with tear filled eyes and my stomach in knots.

"Five, wait! It's freezing out here! Come back inside."

"L-leave me alone, Sam," I stammer, not looking back at him. He doesn't listen. No surprise there.

"Five, come on. I-I know it's only been two days since you've broken away from Moonchild's control, and I know it's taking a toll on you, but don't shut me out, please. Let me be there for you."

I stop, spinning on my heel to face him. He's shivering, just a bit, but that isn't enough to make me go back into the dorms with him, to go back in and see all the curious, terrified eyes watching me.

"Why do you want to be there for me? You know exactly what I've done!"

"Yes, and I know you were mind controlled while you did all those terrible things. I know that you're still a good person. And I-I care about you."

"But I don't want you to care about me!"

"Then what do you want me to do? Hate you?" He pauses, then scoffs when I look away, eyes closed. "Why? What good would that do?"

"It's what I deserve. I don't deserve forgiveness, especially from you. I-I tried to kill you, Sam!"

"Yes, I know. I was there," He sasses, one hand on his hip. "But according to that Bible you believe in so much, there's a lot of things you don't deserve but you still get, if I recall. Just-just because you hate yourself doesn't mean everyone else does. No one in Abel resents you."

"My kids do."

"They're grieving. You're the one that's been avoiding them. You're the one that's been avoiding me." He steps forward and grabs my bloodied hands, a look of desperation on his face. "Please, don't shut me out."

My face scrunches in pain and sadness and guilt. "You don't understand."

"Then talk to me! Make me understand! I want to help you."

"But you can't! You can't get her out my head! I-I still hear her. I hear her calling me!" I pull away and grab fistfuls of my hair and pull, relishing in the pain not only because I deserve it, but I keeps me grounded. It keeps me here in reality, where Moonchild's voice can't slip through. "The mind control is gone, but she's not! I still feel her. I-I..."

I miss her. I miss how it felt.

I hate her. I hate myself.

But for two weeks, I didn't have nightmares; I didn't think about the people I lost, or the people I killed. I didn't feel guilty or wonder how many more lies I can tell before I'm caught. I didn't wonder about when I'm going to die or if I can actually escape it.

For two weeks I was happy... and a part of me misses that.

But I can't tell Sam that. I can't tell anyone. What would they think of me then?

"I'm never going to be free," I murmur, and I shake my head. "I wish... I wish I'd died in that helicopter crash."

I've never seen Sam look so horrified.

"No!" He shouts. "You can't mean that. You've-you've done so much good here. You can't just wish it never happened just because you did some bad stuff too. You... you're amazing, Five. You can't just... We still need you."

God, how I want to believe that.

"I highly doubt that."

"You were close to Moonchild. You know her better than any of the rest of us do. She made you do horrible things and she's going to make others do horrible things too. We both know that. But you can help us stop her."

"I don't even remember-"

"You may not remember everything, but you remember enough. If you think you need to work your way to earn Abel's forgiveness, then do it by taking Moonchild down."

I hesitate, taking a moment to let his words sink in. I slowly nod, and Sam breathes out a sigh of relief. I can see it in his eyes. He knows this isn't going to be the last time he'll have this conversation with me, but at least I'm no longer on the verge of a breakdown.

"Good. Now, I know you probably don't want to go back to the dorms, but it's freezing out here. Let's get to the coms shack. Hopefully you can get some sleep in there."

"Am I even allowed in there? I'm not... exactly trusted anymore."

"That's not true," He deadpans. "I know Janine said the runners don't trust you, but she took away your Head of Runners title because she didn't think you can handle the responsibility right now, with the fact that you are literally traumatized and can't be a leader."

I don't say anything for a long moment. "Oh... That makes me feel a little bit better."

He grins, rocking on his heels . "I have been told I'm pretty good at that-making people feel better. Come on, before someone sees us. I think Janine will kill us both if she finds out we've been out past curfew."

I smile. It's a real smile. First one in two days. First one in over two weeks, if I'm honest.

The guilt is still there. It still claws at my insides, burns my bones, just as I can sometimes hear Moonchild whispering my name in my head. But I push them away, at least for now.

Once we reach the coms shack, Sam rushes to get the blanket. It's not the old raggedy one he usually has. No, it's the one I had been planning to give to him for Christmas.

I'd completely forgotten about it.

"Where did you find that?" I ask, pointing at the soft, green blanket in his hands. He flushes instantly.

"Oh. Um, after you left, I looked around your bed to see if maybe-since Moonchild liked to give you gifts and make you weird friendship charm things while she was here in Abel, I thought that maybe one of the items you had would tell us where she took you. I found this and there was a sticker that said 'For Sam. Merry Christmas' so I... I took it. Yeah, sorry. I should've waited, but it... I just... It..."

"It...?" I question, and he grows redder.

"It... smelt like you." His eyes go wide when he sees the odd look I give him. "I'm sorry. I know that makes me sound super creepy. I'm not, I swear. It just-because of that I-I, it gave me hope that you'd come back."

"Oh... right," I say, looking down, trying to ignore the heat creeping up my neck.

"Here. I know you need it more than I do." He awkwardly hands it to me, and I frown.

"But I got it for you."

"Y-yeah, well, I don't want you to be cold, so it's going to good use." Theres a long pause. "A-Anyway, um, I-I'll take the chair and you can take the cot."

"No, I think you should take the cot. I doubt I'm going to get any sleep tonight. You need sleep and you should at least be somewhat comfortable."

He laughs, and I suck in a deep breath because God, I forgot how amazing his laugh was.

"I don't think I've had a peaceful rest since the apocalypse." He takes a seat on the cot and beckons me over to sit beside him. I do, and I place the blanket over both of us. "And if you're worried about having nightmares, then we won't sleep."

My laughter is tinged with bitterness. "Nightmare, hallucinations-seems like I'm getting a little bit of everything these days."

Sam's eyebrows shoot up. "Hallucinations?"

"Oh. Right. Guess I forgot to tell you about that," I murmur. "Instead of feeling excruciating pain and agony when injected with that mind control stopping serum, like the... like the Co-Coman... like the others who used it, I experienced terrible pain followed by hallucinations, which is why I ran out of Abel."

"Were they... bad?" He asks, cautiously. He sounds almost afraid of the answer. I shrug.

"They came and went. Some of them were with Simon. His actual words kept getting mixed up with my made up thoughts, and I saw monsters and creatures that I didn't even know I could think up. But... those weren't the worst."

"And what was the worst?"

I can't meet his eyes. "I... I hallucinated that I was in a mental hospital-that everything that's happened, the apocalypse, the rocket launcher attack, what I've done... it was all something I made up in my mind because I couldn't handle my life in the real world.

"I hallucinated that all of it was just in my mind, and the world was normal. Sarah was a patient; Archie was a patient; Van Ark... he was my doctor. Everything was okay, for the most part. I was confused, but... but the worst part is, after I came back to reality, I wished it was real instead of this."

"Why?" Sam asks. He looks absolutely appalled by what's just come out of my mouth. "Why would you want that to be your reality? Why would you want to know you're crazy?"

"Because the world would be whole. The only thing that wouldn't be... would be me. Almost everyone I cared about would still be alive. I was shipped off to Abel Ward, and I still met all the people I care about here. I still met you, somehow. You came and visited me in the Ward. You were okay. You were happy. We were happy."

"But you were insane."

"Better me than all of humanity. I never hurt you in that hallucination. We... you..."

You loved me in that hallucination. You loved me as much as I love you.

"I what?"

I force a smile. "You were happy. We were all okay."

"Who says I'm not happy now?" He asks. "A-and I know you're feeling guilty about what you did-what Moonchild made you do, but who's to say Moonchild wouldn't still be trying to do... whatever her actual goal is even if the apocalypse was all in your head? There'd be no one to stop her.

"A-and if you were in some place called Abel Ward, then how would we have met? How would we even be friends? I'd still be a failing engineer student, and you-you're seventeen, Five. I-I know sometimes we can forget-which is weird since you don't exactly look old or anything-but in the world before the apocalypse, us being as close as we are now would be considered majorly weird."

I blink. Yes, I guess he does kind of have a point.

"And I know you don't think so, especially now, but you are a hero. And I know it's going to take some time before you're feeling better. It's going to take a lot of time before you're even feeling okay, but I'm going to be there for you, no matter what. That's why... that's why I couldn't kill you, like you asked me to, when you'd become mind controlled.

"I can't... I don't want to lose you. I don't think I could handle losing another Runner Five, especially when that Runner Five is you."

My eyes are wide with shock. I try to speak, but no words come. What can I say to that? I feel myself smiling, just slightly. My vision gets a little blurry, but I ignore it as Sam fidgets a bit.

"And we're going to stop her. I know you're immune now, and you still sometimes think she might try to get you back, but we're going to stop her and her mind control. And if your nightmares won't stop until she's defeated, then-then I'll stay up with you every single night until we stop her. I may pass out during the day, but I'm not leaving you alone. Not now, not ever. I-why are you crying?"

I instantly bring up a hand to wipe away the tears. God, why does he have to be so amazing?

I stare him, and he stares back, his black hair falling into his eyes that are full of concern and confusion as to why I'm crying.

He's beautiful.

I reach out, my hand cupping the side of his face as I scoot closer. Sam tenses, and he laughs nervously, his face turning a bright red.

"Uh, what are you-w-what are you doing?"

I don't say anything. I just lean forward, closing my eyes as I get closer and closer and closer. I can almost feel his breath on my lips, but I can't... because he's suddenly not breathing, so I pause, my eyes cracking open just a sliver.

Then I see how terrified Sam looks.

Through my lashes, I see he's gone as still as a statue, holding his breath while his face, neck, and even his chest burn a bright red. His eyes are wide as saucer plates, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

What am I doing?

I literally tried to murder him forty-eight hours ago. I can't just try to kiss him like this!

What is wrong with me?

I pull back instantly, my own face flushing while Sam stares, finally starting to breathe again. I don't think I've ever see him so red.

That's when I notice the blood on his shirt, and the larger amount of it on my shirt since I guess I only stopped bleeding while out in the cold.

I just tried to kiss Sam, two days after trying to kill him, while my chest and and fingers are covered in my dried blood.

My stomach turns.

What is wrong with me?

"I-I'm sorry!" I stammer, my throat closing up, making it nearly impossible for me to speak. "I didn't-I mean, I know we-y-you don't... I'm sorry!"

I bolt, nearly tripping over the blanket as I do so.

"Five, w-wait!" Sam calls, but I'm already gone.

I run all the way to the other side of the township, gasping, sweating. I sneak inside the library, and go into the farthest corner to hide, to cower. I slide to ground, bringing my knees to my chest as my stomach twists itself in knots.

I feel like I'm going to be sick.

Why did I do that? Why do I always mess everything up?

I lean my head black against the bookshelf, trying not to cry. I fail at the attempt.

I cry as the weight of everything sits on me, my new stupid actions an addition to that. I gasp for air, but it feels like I can never get enough. I sob loudly, but I know no one can hear me. I'm all alone, in the dark and cold. I keep crying until I fall asleep.

But I do not escape my thoughts, for they are still there to haunt me in my dreams.

A/N: Welp, here it is, everyone. Sorry it's not as long as the others. Still I hope you enjoyed it. Please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day!