Chapter 72: Control

A/N: This is a warning. There is the use of the f word in this chapter. If that offends you, then skip to the end of this scene into the next. If not, then carry on reading.

The van slows to a stop, and Simon opens the door. He steps out first. I shakily follow.

"Welp, this is where we part ways, Five. Abel's only about a mile out. Shouldn't be too much for you. I know it's dark, but you can see the beacon. You should get in home in less than ten minutes."

I don't answer. My tired eyes simply stay trained on the flashing red light-the place that I've called home for two and a half years. I hear Simon sigh, and a hand grabs my shoulder to make me turn around and face him.

"Okay, Five, I know you feel guilty. That's not a bad thing. I think if you didn't feel guilty-well, I would be slightly terrified. But there's not one person in Abel that's not going to forgive you."

"I killed thousands of people," I whisper, tears filling up into my eyes. "I killed Caleb. I nearly killed Sam. I would have killed Sam if you hadn't stopped me!"

"You didn't have control over your actions, Five. You have to remember that." He looks almost annoyed, as if he shouldn't have to tell me this.

"Then why did I feel like I did?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I haven't been mind controlled before. But Five, everyone in that compound knows you're arse over tits for Sam. The only person who can't see it Sam himself, and that's because he's an idiot. They know it wasn't you. They know you'd never willingly do anything to hurt Abel, especially with your kids there. And I know I saw Milo out of the children's dormitories when I snuck in after you."

"You-you really think-"

"Yes. And I don't think. I know."

"But what if... what if I don't want forgiveness?" I ask.

After all, I don't deserve it.

"We don't always get what we want, I guess."

"Will you two hurry up?" Amelia yells. "God, what are you even talking about? Last time I checked, neither of you have an undying love for each other, so I don't understand the need for such a long conversation."

"Oh, sod off," Simon barks back, rolling his eyes at her before turning back to me. "It's time for you to go home. I'm sure everyone will be pleased to see you again, even if you do look like hell right now. The whole raccoon eyes and torn clothing isn't a good look for you."

"Haha," I say sarcastically, and he smirks.

"Don't worry, Five. Everything's gonna be alright."

I stare at him for a long time, and I see him shift his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably. I lean forward and hug him, and he gasps.

"Woah. No need to get all mushy," He says, laughing nervously.

"Thank you," I murmur. "I couldn't have gotten away from her without you."

"It was nothing. Couldn't let the only friend I've got destroy her home." He has a joking tone of voice when I pull away, but I can see it in his eyes that he genuinely means it when he calls me his friend.

Simon starts to turn away, but I reach out and grab his hand, causing him to look back at me with a slightly confused look. "What are you-"

"Come back with me."

He chokes. "What?"

"You saved me. You saved Sam. You saved Abel. They need to know that. I... this will make everyone see that you aren't the bad guy. I won't... I'll make them see, get them to understand. Come back with me, please."

The shock on his face is almost amusing, as if he didn't expect me to say such a thing, to invite someone like him back to Abel. I can see red creeping up his neck, spreading over the human skin of his face. I'm a bit surprised since I honestly didn't think Simon could get flustered.

"Five, you-you know I-"

"Sorry, Five, but Abel's good and kindness lifestyle isn't something we particularly like," Amelia cuts in, having obviously listened in. I glare at her.

"I wasn't asking you."

"Don't you remember? We're a packaged deal." She giggles.

"Oh, fuck you!" I snap, and Simon flinches back, obviously shocked to see such a dirty word leave my lips. But I don't care. I've wanted to tell Amelia that for a long time. I look back at Three desperately. "Simon, please. I can't... I can't go back alone. Please come with me."

He sighs sadly, and reaches forward to brush a strand of tangled hair out of my face. He leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to my forehead, which causes me to tense up in surprise.

"Goodbye, Five," He mumbles, and he walks off and hops into the van. Amelia smiles smugly at me. She gives me a flirty little wave before driving off, leaving me alone with nothing but my thoughts.

I stand there in silence, feeling cold and alone and empty. I look down at my hands, and I can see the blood of the people I killed. In the quiet, in the darkness, it hits me. Everything I've done while under her control, everything I can remember-it hits me like a brick wall. The emotions are too much. I can't think. I can't breathe.

I let out an agonizing wail and fall to my knees, flashes of what I've done rushing across my mind.

I hear Albert's cries as I hit him with my gun. I hear Caleb, begging me to open the door, pain in his voice from his gunshot wound. I can hear the alarms of the boat. I hear the screams of the people of Abel as they run from the zombies.

And I hear Sam.

"No. No, please. This isn't you. Help! Someone help!"

"Get me that ZRD. Now."

"Get off!"

I sob loudly, the weight of the lives I've taken, the people I hurt, weighing down on me, crushing me.

I deserve to die.

I want to die.

I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry until the tears refuse to come, until I'm nothing but a shell. I stand, the weight of guilt and shame nearly bringing me back to my knees.

But I know I can't stay here. I have to get back to Abel. I have to let them know I'm... me again.

I just pray Sam isn't there waiting for me. I can't face him, not yet.

I straight my posture, take in a deep breathe of freezing air that burns and stings, and I start walking.

Back to Abel. Back home.

•

When I reach the gates, I start praying they'll just shoot me. I don't deserve to get to walk back into these gates. I don't deserve forgiveness.

I deserve death.

But they don't shoot me. Instead they shine a spotlight onto me, and I have to close my eyes to keep from being blinded. I hear Janine speak over the loudspeakers.

"Runner Five, stay right where you are. I have three snipers all in position and ready to shoot if you make a wrong move. Raise your hands in surrender and you will not be harmed."

I'd rather them just shoot me, but I do as told, face red from the cold and from crying. Guilt eats away at me like a parasite.

I deserve to die.

The gates open up, and Janine, Adam, and Summer all come out of the Township. Summer and Janine have guns on them, ready to shoot me if necessary, and Adam has a pair of handcuffs.

"Sorry, Five," He mutters while he handcuffs me.

"I deserve worse," I say groggily.

"We'll be bringing you in. Don't worry. We have no intention of harming you if you do not give us a reason to. But we will have Dr. Meyers scan your brain," Janine says curtly. "Something's obviously happened to you, seeing that you're no longer smiling like a lunatic, and if you are still under Moonchild's control, then we can use you as a way to find a cure."

"I'm not. It was Simon. He had a vial of the serum Comansys used and injected me with it. It's the only reason why I-" My voice cracks. "I-It's the only reason why I ran off and didn't... didn't k-kill-"

"Why you didn't kill Mr. Yao?"

I lower my head down in shame. "Yes."

"Well, as much as I would like to believe that story, we're going to need proof. Mr. Yao did tell me he saw Simon jump out and inject you with something while you were attacking him. I'm guessing he snuck in during the panic. Mr. Yao said you ran off out of Abel after that. Still, we can't be sure if you're just saying what Moonchild thinks we want to hear. Dr. Meyers is going to run some tests, make sure you're telling the truth, and then we shall see what to do next."

"Are you going to kill me?" I ask, and Janine's eyes go slightly wide. "I'll understand if you decide to. After what I've done..."

"Runner Five, whether or not you are free from the mind control, what you did then was something you could not stop yourself from doing."

She says nothing more of the matter as she, Summer and Adam lead me back into the Township.

Usually everyone would be asleep at this time, but after the disaster I caused, almost no one is asleep. They're all outside, trying to fix up the little bit they can at this hour.

I can feel their eyes on me, burning into my skin, my soul. I look around and I can see the fear in their eyes. They know what I can do, mind controlled or not. I've destroyed everyone's trust in me. I've destroyed everyone's faith in me.

I remember once Sam said I was like a hero, a legend in Abel. What am I now?

A monster.

A villain.

I guess I've always been those things. I'd just... never let it show here.

They lead me into the hospital, and I can't help but notice how many rooms have been filled with the injured-people who got hurt because of the ruckus I caused.

I remember how I ripped up Maxine's notes. I destroyed months and months of research. Will she even want to be around me after what I've done? She'll run the tests to make sure I'm not under the mind control anymore, because she's a doctor, but I'm positive I've destroyed our friendship by my actions.

I've destroyed a lot today, and I don't think I can fix any of it.

I'm led through the halls, and into an empty room. It's clean, which is more than I deserve. Adam takes off my handcuffs, only to then handcuff me to a bed.

"Miss Swan, go fetch Dr. Meyers. Runner Sixteen, you may leave. I'll keep watch over Five and make sure she doesn't try to escape."

The two give the dark haired woman quick nods before heading off, and then my eyes shift to the gun in Janine's hand.

"Are you going to shoot me?" I ask, and she raised a thick brow.

"Are you going to try to escape?"

"No. I don't see any reason to. I... I'm going to accept my punishment, no matter how harsh."

"Runner Five, you're not going to be punished for something you were not responsible for. There is the issue of your status as Head of Runners, but I won't talk to you about that now, not until we know more about the situation at hand, and just how mentally stable you are after attempting to break free from Moonchild's control."

"I can't... remember much. I... remember being on those Comansys ships. I remember destroying them. I remember attacking Abel... and her telling me a few things about her family and Comansys, but... I was gone for two weeks, and I can't remember anything." My chest feels like it's caving in. Fear and guilt and panic flood my veins, corrupt my blood.

What did she make me do that I can't remember?

"I'm sorry. I've been helping some of the injured, but I came as quickly as I could," Maxine says, entering the room. My browns eyes snap towards her, and I feel tears well up in my eyes.

"Maxine, I-I'm sorry. I-I..."

Maxine blinks, not saying a word, so I press on.

"I-I shouldn't have tore up your notes. I-I'm so sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I know it's no excuse, but I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

I keep repeating the words while crying loudly. I'm only a few tears away from sobbing hysterically. I want to apologize to everyone-to all the people I killed, all the people I hurt.

But I can't. And saying sorry isn't even close to being enough.

"I-It's alright, Five. I know you didn't mean it. I... I'm going to need you to lie down so I can run some tests and check your brain, make sure you're no longer under Moonchild's control," She says, and I obey, still sniffling, still thinking of all the horrible, evil things I've done. I feel pathetic. I shouldn't be here, feeling sorry for myself. I should live with this. I deserve to feel guilty after what I've done.

I lay still as Maxine pokes and prods at me, and sticks the patches on my forehead to look at my brain. I lay still, and close my eyes.

But the moment I do, she's standing in front of me, smiling. Her hands are on me, pushing a lock of my hair behind my ear.

"You're special," She says. "That's why I chose you."

I jolt upright, my eyes snapping open. Janine sends me a warning look, and I pray that she'll just shoot me-put me out of my misery.

But as Simon said, death would be too easy.

"Five, are you alright?" Maxine asks calmly, and I shake my head.

"I don't think I'm going to ever be alright, not after what I've done."

She doesn't say anything. I wouldn't believe her if she told me it wasn't my fault anyway.

I was the one who did it.

I was the one who killed all those people.

I was the one who felt amazing doing it.

It's all me.

"How do her brain scans look?" Janine asks.

"She looks normal so far." Maxine responds, and she pulls out a small recorder. "I have a recording of the tones. If Five responds to it, we'll know if she's actually out of Moonchild's reach."

She nods, and Maxine presses play on the recording. The only physical response I give is a sharp jerk at the sound that pierces the air. I can't believe I used to think such a sound was beautiful. Maxine looks at the screen that shows my brain waves.

"She looks normal. I'm guessing that serum really worked on you, Five. But I'm going to need to draw some blood and see how it's effecting you, since it obviously is reacting differently than it did with the Comansys workers."

I wince, but nod. I need to see how long this serum will last before I need to take another dose, or put myself into cryo-freeze to keep from being under Moonchild's control again.

Janine hums. "Yes, well, Runner Five, while I have no intentions of punishing you for your actions, since they were not your own, I do have to tell you I am stripping you of your position as Head of Runners. During your absence, I appointed Runner Thirteen temporary Head of Runners, but you have lost the trust of those you are supposed to lead. Until you earn that trust back, you are just a runner."

I nod. It's a hard blow, but I know I deserve worse.

"Are you going to put me on trial?" I ask, and Janine blinks.

"I wouldn't see why there'd be any point. You'd wouldn't be found guilty."

"But what if I plead guilty?"

Janine's brows furrow together, and Maxine sends me a look of pity as she grabs a needle. God, I hate that look.

"Runner Five," Maxine sighs, "I know you feel guilty for what you've done, and it's okay to feel that way. But you need to know there's nothing you could have done to stop yourself. I know how it feels-"

"No, I don't think you do," I snap. "The worst thing you did under mind control was attempting to break a machine. I massacred an entire company and felt amazing while doing it... I've killed people before, while I was in America. I killed people while I was at Mullins, but I always felt guilty while doing it. I destroyed an entire flotilla and loved it. I reeked havoc on my home and loved it. I was going to kill Sam and I was going to have the time of my life doing it too."

I shake my head, tears running down my face. "Don't tell me you know how it feels."

She blinks, mouth open in shock and eyes full pity and sympathy. She sets the needle down beside the band that I'm guessing she'll be using to wrap around my arm. Then she walks over to me, and she hugs me.

I let her, but I don't hug her back. I can't, because there's a little piece of me-a sick, twisted piece of me-that wishes it was Moonchild hugging me instead of Maxine.

She may not have any control over my mind, but she's still there. The monster that she created is still inside me, and I'm never going to be rid of it.

"I'm sorry this happened to you, Five," She murmurs, before pulling away and grabbing the stretchy blue band on the side table. She ties it tightly around my upper arm, and I try to keep from squirming in discomfort as she rubs the disinfectant over my skin. She grabs the needle and pushes it into my skin, causing me to wince.

She collects two small vials of blood, before pulling the needle out of my arm and placing a cotton ball and a Band-Aid over it.

"There. I'm going to run this to the lab and see just how the serum is reacting in your body, and how quickly it's wearing off. I should have your results in an hour or so. I would say you can go back to your dorms, but... I know you. The last thing you want is to see everyone, even if a lot of them have gone to bed."

"Can I stay here?"

She nods, before turning to Janine. "You don't have to stay here though. You need rest and Five's fine. Her scans show that she's no longer under the mind control."

Janine ignores Maxine's comment on her. "Yes, but we have no idea how long the serum will last in her body, and the last thing we need is Moonchild gaining her control over Five again. We both know the damage she can cause."

"She's still handcuffed to the bed."

"It's okay," I say. "Take all the precautions you need to. And Janine, if-if the serum wears off, if M... if Moon-Moonchild gets ahold of me again, don't hesitate to kill me."

Saying her name is like stabbing myself with a knife. I remember how happy I was under her thumb, being her slave... It makes me sick to know how much I enjoyed obeying her, and how a part of me... a part of me misses it.

"I won't."

"Right," Maxine says slowly. "I'll be back as soon as I get the results. Just try to get some rest, Five. You need it."

I almost laugh. Does she really think I'm going to actually fall asleep tonight?

I don't say anything as she leaves. I just cast a glance over at Janine, who has on a neutral expression. I know she'll kill me if I give her a reason to. I don't understand why what I've done today isn't reason enough for me to die. I deserve to die.

I want to die.

But death is too kind. If I died, I wouldn't have to live with what I've done for the rest of my life. I deserve to feel like this.

I stay silent for a long time. But the silence is disrupted when I hear loud, quick footsteps from down the hall, along with frantic calls.

"Where is she? Where is she? Which room?"

I tense.

"What on earth?" Janine says, before peeking her head out into the hall. "What are you children still doing up? You're supposed to be in asleep in your dorms. I suggest you go there at once and-"

"Is she in there?" Milo screeches to a halt in front of my door, and Penelope slams into him, not prepared for the sudden stop. "Mom!"

My heart stops in my chest, and I fling out my hand-the one that isn't handcuffed to the hospital bed towards them.

"Don't. Don't come any closer."

Penelope's face falls, but I see suspicion swirling in Milo's eyes.

"You're... you're not still under..." He trails off, knowing that if I were under the mind control, I wouldn't say it. He turns to Janine. "She's not still under the mind control, is she?"

"No, but it is good that you keep your distance for now. Runner Five does have the mind control breaking serum in her bloodstream, but we have no idea how long it will last in her system. As soon as it wears off, she'll be susceptible again. If she falls under Moonchild's control again, you won't want to be around her."

"But she's okay for now?"

Janine nods curtly, and I see the two look back at me. I resist the urge to curl up and hide. I can't even look them in the eyes.

I don't know what to say. What can I say? I know Milo knows what happened-what I did. Penelope might. I don't know what they've told her.

But what can I say to them?

"Sorry I missed Christmas... and

New Year's."

Smooth, Five. Really freaking smooth.

"It's okay," Penelope says. "Sam said it wasn't your fault."

I cringe. God, I wonder if facing Sam is going to be as bad as facing the kids.

"Why are you two up? It's nearly three in the morning."

Milo shrugs awkwardly. "Well, after those zombies got in, we had to fight them off. I mean, Penelope was in the dorms, but I helped build the barricades. After we killed off the last of the zoms, we weren't going to bed anytime soon, and then Polly said-"

"Polly said someone told her she saw Summer and another runner bringing you into Abel!" Penelope interrupts, earning a small glare from her brother. "And we had to see if you were actually here, because-because you've been gone a really long time and then-then you came back, but you were mind controlled, and then you left again."

I again have to resist the urge to curl in on myself, and I give them a stern look. "Well, I'm here. I'm fine, for the most part, so you two should get back to your dorms. You need sleep. You've got school tomorrow."

"I honestly doubt we're going to have school tomorrow after everything that's happened today," Milo responds, and narrow my eyes at him warningly. In all reality, I just want him to leave. I can't... I can't just talk to him like I didn't just try to destroy the entire township. Why don't they get that?

Because they're children. They don't know what this kind of guilt feels like.

"I see. And have you two actually been doing your school work while I was gone?"

"Well, we've been on break for most of it. We went back like two days ago, so yeah. For the most part."

"Right," I say awkwardly. "Um... you two still should probably get some sleep. It's not good to stay up all night. It'll mess up your entire sleeping pattern, believe me."

"No," Penelope says, and my eyebrows shoot up towards my hairline. "Not until the doctor comes and says you're going to be okay."

Again, I almost laugh. I'm never going to be okay, not after what I've done. But I don't say anything. Instead I just nod, before turning my eyes ahead and lying down, letting an awkward silence fall between us. But it backfires, like usual.

The quiet threatens to consume me, even after a few minutes.

I'm not used to the quiet anymore. I'm used to the tones. I'm used to Moonchild's voice. Without them I almost feel... empty.

I'm disgusting.

"Have any of you seen Maxine?" Someone asks from down the hall, and ice spikes into my veins. "I've done my best to scrap up her research notes. It's not much, but I've got a few pages down."

Please turn around and leave. Turn around and leave. For the love of God, don't come this way, please!

"Oh, uh... alright. I'll go and ask them. Uh, thanks."

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

"Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt, but-oh, Janine. Um, I heard Maxine was last in here and I just wanted to tell her I patched together some of her notes and-" Sam's words cut off instantly when he sees me, and he almost drops the papers in his hands. I die inside when I see the faint bruising on his neck from where I...

"Five," He gapes. "I-when did you get here?"

"She's been here about forty-five minutes, Mr. Yao," Janine states, and he chokes. "I believe you said you were looking for Dr. Meyers?"

"She's been here for forty-five minutes and you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't know you were on a need to know basis on Runner Five."

"W-what do you mean you didn't know? She's my runner!" He looks at me, but I can't look him in the eye. "How did you... I saw Simon inject you with something, but you ran off. I... are you..."

"She's not mind controlled. Runner Three injected Five with the same serum Comansys workers used on themselves."

His eyes widen. "Oh, God. Does that mean her arm's going to fall off?"

"No," I murmur, still refusing to look at him. "Van Ark's treatments seemed to counteract the necrotizing effects."

"Oh. Well, that's-that's great." I can see him smiling at me from the corner of my eye, but that only makes me feel worse.

I tried to kill him, and he's still happy to see me. He's still happy to know that I'm okay.

I don't deserve him.

"You should go find Maxine. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you've restored some of her notes." I look at my children. "And I know you two want to wait to see my results, but you really need to go to bed."

"But-" Milo starts

"Now." My words are sharp and cold, and he hesitates, then his brown eyes harden.

"We're not leaving. Not until we know you're okay."

I snap.

"Why? Why do you care about my wellbeing? Why should you? Don't you-don't you know what I've done? What I've destroyed? Comansys is gone because of me! Caleb is dead because of me!"

"No, he's dead because of Moonchild," Sam says, frowning when he sees Penelope grab her brother's arm, face full of heartbreak.

"Moonchild didn't shoot him and leave him to die."

He opens his mouth to speak, but no words come out. Milo and Penelope looks at me with tears starting to form in their eyes, and I know it's now they have to face the harsh reality that Caleb is dead. They have to face the reality that I was the one who did it.

Good. Because I can't do this. I can't just let them sit around and act as if none of this is my fault, when in reality all of it is. I can't act like the things I did didn't happen. I did them. I felt happy committing mass murder and I can't just pretend I didn't. I can't.

I'm trembling, and I have to concentrate on my breathing.

"Five! Five!" Maxine gasps, rushing inside. She's breathless, and smiling. I can only guess she has good news. "You're never gonna believe this."

"The results are back, I presume?" Janine guesses, and she nods frantically.

"Yes, I was testing to see if I accelerated the serum by thinning out your blood samples, I'd get a good guess at how long it would take for the serum to be filtered out of your system. Only, even by thinning out the samples, the serum stayed the same within your blood. It didn't get any weaker."

"What does that mean?" Sam asks.

"It means the serum has left a permanent effect on her." She looks at me with excitement. "Five, you are permanently immune to the mind control."

A/N: Hey, I hope you liked this chapter! Please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day!