Chapter 59: Colors

He looks so different.

That's the first thing I realized when I saw the photos. I've looked at them a dozen more times since then, but still, that's the first thing that pops from the picture.

Simon's not wearing his mask anymore, but the places that the mask covered... it doesn't have human skin. It's hard to tell, but it looks like he has scales over half of his face now, and his missing hand is back. It's also covered in scales... I guess they found what they were looking for then.

Amelia still looks the same, although I really couldn't care less about her. My thoughts are only on Simon, and if now that he's gotten what he wanted, he'll come back.

Probably not. Most of the people in Abel still hate him for betraying us to Van Ark. Simon knows they wouldn't welcome him back with open arms, even though I know I would.

I'm not exactly proud of myself for knowing that, but there's no point in trying to deny it.

Chances are I won't ever see him again, and if I do-well, it'll have to be because of something really important. And even then there's a chance I won't see him.

"Is there a reason you wanted to go through all these pictures, again, in the coms shack and not in the dorms?" Sam asks in annoyance.

"If you don't want to be here, you can just leave," I respond, not looking up from the photos. I almost smile at seeing one of Simon playing cards with Trevor, and by the look on his face, is losing terribly.

"You know I can't leave you in here alone. Janine will have my arse if I do."

"As if she doesn't lecture you enough already," I joke, and he scoffs.

"Right? But seriously, why here? If you're hiding from your kids, you should know they'll be in here eventually."

"I'm not hiding from my kids. I'm hiding from Moonchild."

There's a pause. "Moonchild? What's she done to you?"

I shrug, finally looking up. "I mean, she hasn't really done anything really, besides make me feel uncomfortable-"

"That's something." He sits up straighter in his swivel chair, eyebrows furrowing in concern. "What's she done to make you feel uncomfortable?"

I shrug again, not meeting his eyes. "She's just... pushy. She wants to know everything about me a-and she keeps offering me her tea, and I don't want to be rude, but I don't like hot tea. I'm American. I like my tea cold."

"That's just you being weird."

"Shut up. And she... wants to know about my feelings and my past and all that, as if-as if we're friends or something."

"Maybe she thinks you are friends."

"Just because she thinks that doesn't mean we are. I've known you for two years and there are still things I haven't told you about."

He raises a brow. "Like what?"

"Nice try." I smirk, and he gives me an eye roll in reply. "But there's something about her... she just makes me feel uneasy."

"Have you had any visions about her?"

I shake my head. "Nothing I can remember."

"Well, maybe she's just one of those people. I mean, she is a little odd with her whole 'peace, love, and harmony' thing. Maybe that's just... not your thing."

Sweet Sam, always trying to find the positive in everything.

"Yeah, maybe," I say, looking down at the photos. "Uh... thank you, by the way, for not telling Maxine and Paula about me while we were on that mission."

He's taken back by this. I can tell by the blush that spreads across his cheeks. "Oh, uh, no-no problem. I mean, I guess I should really be apologizing since I nearly spilt the beans."

A small smile spreads across my face. "It's okay. It was a good save."

He laughs and rubs the back of his neck. "Thanks."

"Do you think we'll ever see him again? Simon? Do you think I'll see him before I-"

"You're not going to die," He interrupts sternly, and I huff.

"I was gonna say before I get put under mind control."

"Oh... well, we're gonna make sure that doesn't happen either. And God, I really hope not."

I glare at him, and he raises his hands up in surrender. "What? Just 'cause you care about him doesn't mean I have to. And I don't understand why you like him so much anyway, not when he literally shot you and betrayed us all."

"I care about him because I know more of the story, but I can't tell you it because it's not mine to tell. Plus I-I believe there's good in him."

"How? I mean, Janine didn't even believe that, and she was in love with him." Sam sends me a questioning look. "And I mean, you're just his friend, right? I mean, you're not-"

"Don't even finish that question," I deadpan.

"I'm just asking-"

"No, I'm not. Just no. That's-no." I shake my head. God, he's such an idiot. "I believe there's good in Simon because Amelia wanted him to shoot me and he didn't. He could've. He could've easily done it, but he didn't. He chose not to."

"And that's really enough to say he's redeemable?"

I stand up, face scrunching up in hurt. "You call me a hero because I killed one bad man. That one bad life is nothing compared to the good lives I had to take while in America. And you say you believe me redeemable."

"But... But you-you and Simon-"

"Are one and the same. We did bad things because we were scared and just wanted to make it through to tomorrow. We didn't think about the consequences until it was too late." I wrap my arms around myself. "That's why I believe he's redeemable."

Only a small croak leaves his mouth in response, and I shake my head. Of course he wouldn't understand. He's good, pure. He's everything Simon and I aren't. He doesn't know what it feels like to do the wrong thing, and know that it's wrong, but do it anyway because you feel there is no other way, that you have no choice...

He doesn't know, and I pray he never will.

"I'm gonna-I'm just gonna go now," I say quickly, and oddly enough, Sam doesn't try to stop me as I leave.

I'm really unsure how to feel about that.

It's cold outside. That's no surprise. But what does surprise me is the amount of people bustling about in this whether. Most people stay inside during the winter, only leaving the dorms when it's time to eat in the mess halls, or go do their job in the farms or the greenhouse or the hospital. But not today. Today it seems everyone is just putting up with the cold in attempts to get some fresh air, as it does get pretty stuffy in the buildings with so many other people.

But their crowding around makes it much harder for me to get to where I'm going, especially since I don't know where I'm going. I just left because I didn't want to discuss things with Sam anymore, and while he means well, he can get rather pushy and can often pry when he wants to know something.

The library is probably my best bet if I want any privacy. Plus it's quiet, so I can... look at the pictures longer.

It sounds pathetic even in my head. But sadly, I have nothing better to do. I've already read my Bible today, and sure, you can never read the Word of God too much, but what's the use of reading it if I know I won't be paying attention to the words I read?

The gray clouds clump together overhead, and the wind picks up, telling me that a heavier snowfall is soon to come. I clutch onto the pictures tighter. I don't need to be out here any longer. I can already feel the cold starting to seep it's way into my bones.

So I start to walk, but I don't get very far before I smash into someone-well, more like someone smashes into me. I never even saw them. It's like they appeared out of nowhere, although they might have been there all along and I just didn't notice. That's probably what happened, since my mind is pretty much everywhere but here in reality.

But the people I ran into are the farthest from my mind as I feel my grip on my pictures slip.

They go flying out of my hands as I stumble backwards, falling onto my rear end with a grunt. The snow softens my fall, but my pain or the cold wetness of the snow seeping through my clothes is long forgotten when I see the pictures being taken away by the wind.

"I'm so sorry." I look up just as a hand grabs my own. Milo looks at me apologetically, with Penelope right beside him as he helps me up. "I-I thought you heard me call you. I didn't mean to knock you down. It's just... we were looking for you because I really need to talk to you and-"

"It's fine," I interrupt before taking off after the photos, grabbing at the few that have fallen to the ground, stuck in the snow. I grab them and continue chasing after the ones still flying through the air.

"Wait!" Milo calls, but I don't listen to him. I can't lose these pictures. I hate to admit it, but I need them. Or at least, it feels like I do. I feel like I need something of Simon now that I can have it.

I just miss him so much.

Just like I miss Caleb.

I need these pictures. These might be all I get to see of him before I die...

I grab at more of the photos, catching them and holding onto them until only two are left in the wind. They both fall to the ground, one of them being by a person's feet. Said person picks up the photo, and she smiles at me once I stop running.

"Who's this?" Moonchild asks, staring at the picture fondly, as if she knows about the person on the image that's been captured, as if she actually cares about who it is. "A friend of yours?"

I snatch it from her, wanting to tell her it's none of her business. I don't. "You could say that."

"Mum, stop running," Penelope yells as she and Milo run towards us, and I raise a brow, since I already have. But then my eyes go wide, and I frantically start looking around.

Where's the last picture?

Where's the last picture?

My two children finally reach me, and Milo opens his mouth to say something until he noticed something at his feet.

"What's this?" He asks, reaching down to pick the exact thing I was searching for.

"No!" I yell as he studies it. I don't want him to see it. I know he sees Simon just like everyone else in Abel sees him. I know he thinks me hypocritical for denying him the option of hanging out with his friends when I still consider a traitor one of mine. He used to think that way of me, at least. I'm unsure how he regards me on that now.

"Is... is this Runner Three?" He looks up at me with furrowed brows. "Why do you have a picture... no, pictures of Runner Three?"

"I..."

"Who's Runner Three?" Moonchild asks, and I cast her a side glance.

"Someone you haven't had the pleasure of meeting."

"Fortunately," Milo grumbles.

"Milo," I chastise, and he raises his hands up.

"What? He's not a good person."

Are any of us? I want to ask him. But I can't. He's only thirteen. He wouldn't understand.

"Runner Five, if you want, you could talk to me about this Runner Three," Moonchild offers. "It might make you feel better. I'm sensing a really negative energy coming from you. It's not pretty, man. Maybe I could fix you some ginseng tea and-"

"Thanks, but no thanks," I reply, my voice having more of a bite into it than I mean it to. "I don't need to talk anything out right now, but next time I do, I'll give you call." I turn to Milo and basically snatch the picture out of his hands. "I'll take that, thank you."

And then I walk off, but unfortunately, I'm not by myself. Milo and Penelope still follow after me, eyes wide and curious, trying to get a glimpse of the photos in my hand.

"You never answered my question," Milo scowls, and a sigh leaves my lips.

"I have them because someone gave them to me on my last mission two days ago," I reply.

"And you're still carrying them with you?"

"I was in the coms shack. I certainly couldn't leave them there. Sam would burn them."

"Why would he do that?" Penelope questions as she wipes at her runny nose. I stare at her for a moment. We need to get inside. I may not be able to get sick anymore, but they still can. I don't need that added stress right now.

"He uh... he just doesn't like Simon very much, or Amelia."

"But you don't like Amelia either."

"You're right, I don't. But I like Simon enough to not burn any pictures just because Amelia is in them."

She nods in understanding, but Milo just continues to frown at me. I don't care. My conflicts of interest are my own. He wouldn't understand even if I tried to explain it to him. Besides, it's not my place to tell the whole of Simon's story. The only place that is mine to tell is what goes on inside my head, and telling him that...

His biological mother abandoned him and his siblings, and he's already lost his twin. Telling him I've quite literally seen my death would just add to the trauma.

We reach the library in silence. It's warm inside. At least, I think it might be. I'm still cold. I always am, but the two children shed their coats and hang them up, so that must mean something.

I quietly go tell Penelope to find herself a book so she doesn't cause any trouble here in the library, and she obeys. Milo, on the other hand...

"I don't get it. Why do you even keep those pictures? It's not like he cares about you." He paces back and forth in front of me, frustrated and annoyed.

The words are like a harsh blow, but I brush him off.

"My reasonings are my own, thank you."

"What, do you like making yourself feel sad, or something?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "Keep your voice down. And no, I don't. I just... Simon was my friend, and the likelihood of me ever seeing him again after he ran off is very, very slim-extremely slim. I like to know he's doing well."

"Even though he betrayed Abel?" He sneers.

"Yes, and even though he shot me, if you were going to add that." I place the pictures down on a nearby table and take a seat on the cushioned chair beside it. "Now, can we talk about something else? I thought you said something about needing to talk to me?"

He straightens, as if suddenly remembering. His demeanor changes instantly, from stubborn and determined to nervous and almost fearful. "Oh... right. Uh, I've been training, you know, to be a runner-"

"Unfortunately," I mutter, causing him to scrunch up his nose at me.

"I've gotten my run time down. I can get a mile ran in nine minutes."

I nod. "And how long can you sprint without stopping?"

"Two minutes."

Again I nod. I think some of that might be due to the fact that he's thirteen and has a good metabolism or whatever. Those are pretty good times for the most part, for a beginner. But for his sprints, he needs to learn to still be able to run after sprinting for a period of time, and he needs to get his time down a bit more. A mile in eight minutes or even eight and a half minutes is much better.

But we can discuss that at a later time-a much later time. Right now, he's doing well, even though a part of me wishes he weren't.

"That's not too bad," I say, forcing the most genuine smile I can muster. He grins at my praise. "But why are you deciding to tell me this right now?"

"Well, I was thinking, uh, if I get get just a little faster, and get to where I could run for a long period of time without stopping-"

"What's your time right now?"

"Forty minutes," He says, waiting for a nod of approval, which I give him. "A-anyway, I was hoping I get better at it, maybe I could go on a short supply r-"

"No."

His face falls. "Why?"

"Milo, you know Abel doesn't allow anyone under sixteen to be a runner. And with my rules you might have to wait until you're eighteen, if I don't think you're ready. You've still got at least three years left."

"Two years and three months. I turn fourteen in February. And I'd be ready if you let me go on a few easy runs."

"There never are easy runs. The mission is never easy, especially when you think it's going to be. And right now, with the mind control and  Diana's attack on Abel, and it probably being just the beginning, it's not safe for you to go out on missions." I run a hand through my knotted brown hair. When's the last time I brushed it, yesterday? "And it's just not my choice. Janine would say no. Sam would say no-"

"But it wouldn't matter what they say because you say no."

I let out a long suffering sigh. "I say no because I care more about your safety than your feelings. We've had this conversation before. If you're ready by the time you turned sixteen, you can be a runner. If not, you'll wait. And that's what you have to do right now."

He looks like he wants to say more, but he never gets the chance.

"Hey, Mum," Penelope says, gaining my attention. "I found the book I want, but I can't reach it and I can't find a stool to get it. Can you reach it for me?"

I stand up. "I can try, but you know I'm not very tall either." I turn to Milo. "Try to find a book. It helps take your mind off things... just for awhile."

•

I'm so tired. As I sit by the fireplace in the library, photos in my lap while the children read their books, all I can think about is how I'm so tired, but I cannot sleep.

So I just sit and stare at the fire like those girls in the movies. It doesn't make me feel better, and unlike the movies, something doesn't magically happen to make things better or change course. I'm just here, watching the fire.

When's the last time I watched a movie? I mentally ask myself. I know we have a DVD player and a television, but I don't think I've actually sat down and watched a movie since the apocalypse started.

I don't really have any desire to watch a movie, but I feel like it would be a better way to pass the time than just sitting here watching fire crackle. So I place the photos on a nearby table, then I stand. But I don't move. My eyes linger on the photos, wondering if I should leave them here or take them with me. I mean, the shelves that hold the movies are only a few feet away, but... if someone else were to come in, I know they'd toss them in the fire.

So I pick them up and carry them with me, each step draining me just a bit more. Sadly though, when I reach the shelf, I find nothing of interest. Whether that's because of my mood, the exhaustion, or just nothing interesting is here is a mystery.

"Hey, Mum," Penelope says, causing my gaze to snap down at her. She has her book in her hand, and a tired expression on her face. "I'm done."

I nod. "Okay. If you liked the book I can get a bookmark so you won't lose your place when you want to read it again."

"No, I'm already done."

I blink and look down at the book. It has to have at least 300 pages. I look at the clock, read the time, and then look back at Penelope. "You read that entire book in an hour and a half?"

She nods.

"Huh... alright. Are you ready to go?"

Another nod.

"Go get your brother then, so we can tell him we're leaving. I mean, he can stay if he wants to, but I'd like to let him know-"

"He left."

I go quiet for a moment. "What?"

"He left," She says again.

"When?"

"A little while ago. He drew some stuff then said he wanted to go do something else." Penelope shrugs. "He probably went to go to the track again. He goes there a lot now."

Yeah, so he's told me.

Penelope doesn't say anything else for a long moment, then her eyes go to the photos in my hands. "Why do you like those pictures so much? Isn't Runner Three a bad guy?"

My free hand grabs at my invisible backpack strap. "He... has done bad things, but that doesn't make him a bad person. We've all done bad things, but that doesn't mean we're necessarily bad people."

She nods, although I'm unsure if she actually gets what I'm saving. She is only seven, after all. "Do you think he'll come back to Abel?"

"Maybe someday."

"Do you want him to?"

I don't reply right away, because while I do miss him-I miss him a lot-I'm not sure I want him to come back because I know it won't be the same. Abel sees things and people in black and white-good and evil. There is no gray. There is no in between.

That scares me, because I know someday, somehow, someone will learn about the things I've done while in America. They'll see me just like they see Simon. They'll see me as a monster.

"I don't know. Maybe," Is my reply, given along with a half hearted shrug. "I think it's best just to focus on the real world, and what's going on now, not what I want to happen or what might happen in the future."

"But I thought it was good to look ahead to the future. That's how we know there is one, and we have hope."

I huff out a laugh. "Now where did you hear that?"

"Sometimes the nannies in the Rec room like to listen to the Radio Abel people. They're pretty cool, even though Phil thinks you're in love with him."

I snort. He's still playing along with this? God, he really is committed.

"Does he now?"

"Yeah, he sometimes starts talking about how you plan on getting married and stuff, and how it's too late for anyone who wanted to date with the hero of Abel because you only like him."

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing at how stressed the younger girl seems to be about this. It's hilarious that Phil would want to keep this going along. I mean, it's really not doing any harm, besides the few jealous fans that hate me now. But I've had much more dangerous people hate me and I'm still alive, so I think I'll be alright.

"He's not being for real, is he?" She asks, and I let a small laugh leave my lips as I shake my head.

"No, of course not. He's just kidding because of some rumors. None of it is real."

She lets out a sigh of relief, and I send her a raised brow.

"You seem really happy about this. Do you not like Phil?"

"No, I like him. I just like Sam better."

I purse my lips, and with a sigh I mutter a quiet, "So do I."

Penelope frowns suddenly, her eyebrows scrunching together as she thinks. After a moment of wearing such a face, she looks up at me. "Hey, Mum..."

"Yes, Penelope?"

"If Runner Three isn't a bad guy, he's just done... did bad things, does that mean Diana isn't a bad guy either?"

It takes me a second to think of good answer, and how to explain it correctly. "Simon did what he did because he didn't feel like he had any choice. He thought he'd die if he didn't betray Abel. Diana has a choice. There's nothing making her do this. She's doing this because she wants power and she wants control. She is definitely a bad guy."

Whether or not Penelope gets all that is beyond me, but still she nods. "How do you know all this?"

Because I'm like Simon and I've known people like Diana.

"Because I stop bad guys pretty often, so I know who's really bad and who's just trying to survive."

The answer satisfies her for now, and I breathe a sigh of relief. It's okay for now. My answers are enough. It's good because I know one day, to her, just like they became for her brother...

They won't be.

A/N: Here you go, guys! Yeah, not the most action packed chapter, but I felt like we needed a little break from the action and explosive arguments. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed. Please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day!