Chapter 57: My Demons

I've tried telling him. I've tried to tell him for four days, but I can't... I can't tell him that Diana is going to get me. I'm going to be put under mind control.

I've tried to push those thoughts away, focus on Moonchild and what she knows about Diana. But she has been talking about the same thing that's going to happen to me. Happiness, overwhelming happiness that is almost consuming.

Although unlike Albert, she says she doesn't remember anything. Janine thinks it might be that Diana implanted a command that she would forget everything that happened while she was under the mind control if she somehow managed to break free, which seems like something the devious woman would do.

How she managed to break free from the mind control is still a bit of a mystery. We think it might be because that vial of zombie repellant that went all over her. Kefilwe is doing more research on it now. All we can really do is wait for results, while I try to get some sleep at night.

I haven't, and it shows. Sam hasn't really noticed, but my kids have, and oddly enough, so has Moonchild. She's been very watchful of me. It's almost disturbing. I mean, it might because we helped each other in the past, and she's more afraid of Louise than she is of me (not that I blame her) but there's not much we can talk about. At least, there's not much that I know we can talk about.

But she seems to like being around me... a lot. I tend to ignore her most of the time, since we have barely anything in common. But her constant following and added comments can get annoying, and she does sometimes ask me odd questions about my life-like my past or my feelings.

I roll my eyes at the thought. I barely tell the people I have a close relationship with about those things. Why on earth would I tell anything to this woman I barely know?

I hear the door to the sleeping quarters open, and with a raised brow I watch two people enter. One of them I'm happy to see, the other... not so much.

"Runner Five, there you are," Kefilwe says, and I raise a brow.

"Have you been looking for me?"

"No, but your son has. He said he wanted to spend the afternoon with Polly and Zach in the Rec room, but he needed your permission first. Moonchild and I said we'd help searching for you."

I nod, biting back a smile while feeling slightly happier knowing Milo wanted to ask for my permission instead of just going off and doing whatever with those two. While Zach and Polly have been keeping themselves out of trouble, I still feel a bit wary of them. Milo's need to come and ask me about them does make me more inclined to tell him he can spend some time with them though.

"Well," I say with a yawn, "if you see him, you can tell him he can spend some time with them, but only in the Rec room and only if he has all of his school work done."

"You're not going to go tell him?" She questions, and I shrug.

"I would, but I don't plan on leaving the dorms anytime soon."

"Are you alright? You haven't been feeling ill, have you?

I laugh lightly at her concern. "No. No. We both know I don't get... ill anymore. I'm just tired. These last few nights have been... not great."

"I can tell, man," Moonchild says, earning another raised brow from me.

"What? Has my aura changed color?" Sarcasm drips from my voice, but she doesn't catch it.

"No, you just have really bad dark circles under your eyes. Are you stressed? You should try meditating. It would really help you relax."

I hum. "I stick to reading my Bible in terms of helping me relax, but uh, thanks for the suggestion."

"Are you sure that's all that's bothering you, Runner Five?" The doctor asks, but I don't meet her eyes. She's good at reading people. She can straight through my lies if I don't hide my emotions well enough.

"I'm fine, really. I just need a nap."

"Well, then if that's true, I shall be getting back to the hospital. The colder the weather gets, the more and more people become ill. I have patients that need me. If I do see Milo on my way back, I will tell him what you said."

I offer a nod in thanks, eyes downcast when I think of the last time I got sick. It's odd knowing that I'm actually going to miss it-not being sick, but being fully human.

"I think I'll stay here, keep Runner Five company," Moonchild says, and I tense slightly in discomfort. I mean, it's not that I dislike Moonchild, but there are certain people I just don't feel comfortable around, and she is one of them.

Sadly though, I can't think of an excuse to get away before Kefilwe is already out the door, leaving me and Moonchild here alone.

I already know this is gonna be awkward by the silence that surrounds us. I keep my eyes ahead, but I can feel Moonchild staring at me. Her gaze feels like it's going to burn through my head, but I don't look at her. Something's off about her. She sees things differently. I'd hate for her to see anything in my eyes if I were to look her way.

"How have your dreams been lately?"

The sudden question is enough to get me to cast a quick glance at her. "What?"

"I'm getting a very negative energy from you, one filled with dread and... fear." She gives a half shrug. "Usually when I see that coming from someone, it's because of the apocalypse and the zombies, but I didn't get that from you the first time we met, only now."

"A lot has happened since our first encounter."

"Yes, but I had a feeling even then that something about you was special. Plus you said you haven't been sleeping very well. Are you seeing something in your dreams, man?"

I raise a brow. The way she's asking these questions are so... odd, and so is the flicker of a gleam in her eye, as if she's hoping I'll say yes. "Why do you care? You don't even know me."

"I care about every living thing on this earth. That's how we all should be."

"Yeah, I can't say I agree with you. Also, what I dream about is none of your business."

"It is if I'm in your dreams, Five."

I scoff. "Don't flatter yourself... but since you think you can pry into my mind, I'm going to ask you a question about yours."

She blinks, patiently waiting.

"You really don't remember anything about being under Diana's mind control?"

Moonchild sighs, and I'm sure by now this is the fiftieth time she's been asked this question. But I need to know. I need to know if there's any way I can stop it from happening to me, if I can keep myself in my right mind.

I know what it feels like to be mind controlled because of Albert. I don't want to feel that way ever again. I don't want to feel good while destroying everything I love.

"No, man. I don't remember anything. It's weird, and not a good kind."

"Do you remember how it felt?"

She nods. "Yeah. I felt like, really really happy. But I don't remember anything I did. I just wanted to keep staying happy."

I hum, not feeling any better about this. That answer gets me nowhere. I'm stuck still wondering if I can stop this...

And what if I can't?

I stand up, knowing what I have to do, even though I really don't want to do it.

"Hey, where are going?" Moonchild asks as I walk towards the door.

"I have something I need to do."

"I thought you were too tired to do anything."

"Just got a sudden burst of energy. Maybe it has something to do with your energy." Again, sarcasm drips from my voice, but she doesn't catch it.

I leave the dorms, and I'm instantly hit with a blast of cold air. I tense, clenching my teeth at the sudden discomfort, but still I make my way towards the coms shack, skin prickling and eyes beginning to water. Sam isn't on rest break today, but he's most likely doing a supply run. I can talk him during those since they're usually not as dangerous.

I can talk to him. I can tell him. I can do this.

The cold wind blows my hair around, strands of dark hair sometimes getting in my mouth and eyes. I sneer in annoyance. The cold is something I'll never enjoy, and the harsh winds is one of the many reasons as to why.

I keep my pace brisk and my eyes ahead as thoughts of what I'll say swirl through my head. Every word that floats through my mind is discarded because it's not enough; It's not right.

I feel like this shouldn't be as hard to tell him since he already knows I'm going to die at one point, and that I've seen myself die, but this is different because I... could do things under mind control-things that I'd never do.

What if I hurt Milo or Penelope? What if I kill someone I love? What if I hurt or even kill innocent people?

How could I live with that?

I grimace silently. That's a stupid question for me to ask myself, as if I already haven't killed innocent people before, as if the blood of hundreds aren't already on my hands,

But even then I was under the control of someone-my actions weren't my choice. It was life or death for someone who had barely even begun to live a life...

What was I to do?

I could've said no.

I've reached the coms shack, but I don't enter. My eyes simply stare at the door, the silence threatening to consume me whole as snowflakes get caught in my hair. I still have no words for him, no way to explain what I have to tell him...

My chest is tight and my eyes are watering from the cold, tears beginning to run down my face. I'll be surprised if they don't freeze on my skin. I raise up my hand to knock on the door, but I can't bring myself to actually follow through with it. I grasp the door's handle for support as my knees suddenly feel weak, and my breathing becomes unsteady. The white puffs of air that leave my mouth with every breath become ragged and uneven.

What should I say? What can I say? To stop me? To inject me with that stuff that'll make my limbs fall off? To kill me if I'm taken under the mind control?

My eyes grow wide, my breath catching in my throat. That's exactly what I have to say. I have to be stopped from hurting anyone if I am somehow put under mind control, even if it means making my death come earlier than fate's design.

Squaring my shoulders, I open the door, not bothering to knock. Sam's gaze snaps towards me at the sudden sound, nearly dropping his curly-wurly in the process. I see a smile appear on his face at the realization of who has suddenly decided to make an appearance.

"Five, hey."

"Hi," I say, my voice soft and slightly shaking. "I'm not interrupting a big mission or anything, am I?"

He shakes his head. "Oh, no. Today's just a food supply run, and that's only because Owen's really been craving caramel candies."

"How is Owen doing? I know he's mostly recovered from Amelia shooting him, but I... haven't really visited or talked to him or anything."

He shrugs. "He's alright. He's still a bit weak on that leg, but he can run as long as it's not too long of a go. It'll be a while before he's running any missions with you."

I laugh, but it's forced. It's obvious it's forced, and Sam frowns.

"Five, are you okay?"

I can't look him in the eye. "Uh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I am right now, but I..." I let out a slow breath, not letting his eyes. "You care about me, right?"

He flushes instantly. "W-well, yeah. Of course. I-What kind of a question is that?"

"And do you trust me?"

He nods, looking confused as ever. "Five, what's with all these questions?"

I don't answer right away. Instead I walk around the coms desk and open one of the drawers.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

I ignore him until I find what I'm looking for. Then I look at Sam, a heavy weight on my chest, on my shoulders, on my mind.

"Stand up, please."

Sam does so, and he eyes the item in my hand nervously. "Why did you get out that gun? How did you even know there was one in here?"

"Because there's no way you'd be left defenseless if zoms somehow found their way into Abel." I grab his hand and give him the gun, then a hold his arm and raise it until he has the gun aimed right at my head. "You said you cared about me, so would you shoot me if I asked?"

"Wha-no!" He sputters, jerking away and aiming the gun away from me. "I wouldn't-I could never hurt you."

"Even if I became a threat to Abel?"

"A threat?" His eyebrows furrow together and he shakes his head. "Five, you are anything but a threat to Abel Township. You've saved the township multiple times. Why would you ever think you'd be a threat?"

"Because I wouldn't have control of my actions."

He tenses. "What?"

I wrap my arms around myself, dread pulling at my heart. "When I was at Little Sten St. Crispen, I had a vision... I heard a voice in my head. I didn't tell you because of what happened after and then I-I just didn't know how I could tell you-"

"Five, what are you trying to say?" His dark eyes are wide, fearful. It physically hurts to see him look at me like this.

"I heard a voice. It was distorted. I couldn't tell who exactly it, but it was probably Diana. She was saying how I thought it would never happen to me, how I thought I would be alright. Then she asked me if I ever wondered what it felt like to be mind controlled... and this is what it feels like." I go quiet for a minute, and when I look up at Sam my throat goes dry. "Sam, I'm-I'm gonna-"

"No, you're not," He interrupts quickly. "I won't-I'll make sure that doesn't happen."

"How?"

"You become susceptible when you drink that CeretinPlus stuff, or if Diana put mind control drugs in your drink. You never drank that stuff before the apocalypse, right?"

I shake my head.

"Okay, and you only drink the water from Abel, so you're okay for now. We'll just have to be... extra careful to make sure you don't become susceptible."

"But we can't stop-"

"We can and we will, just like we'll make sure you don't get into that situation where you die." He places the gun down onto the coms desk and grabs my arms, pulling me closer. "It's my job to keep you safe, and that's exactly what I'm going to do."

I nod, only partially believing his words. "Okay... but if I somehow-"

"Don't talk like that."

"I know. I know, but just in case... if I am put under mind control, I need you to promise me that you'll do whatever it takes to stop me... even if it means killing me."

He chokes on his own breath. "W... F-Five, I-I-"

"Promise me, Sam."

"I can't... I couldn't kill you." He looks into my eyes, and in his own I can see swirling emotions, as if he's fighting with himself. I give him a look of desperation.

"Please."

Don't let me become more of a monster than I already am.

"I'll... try to stop you if that happens-if-but I won't kill you. I can't."

It's not the answer I want, not by a long shot, but it's the answer I'll have to take for now. I nod.

"Okay."

Sam bites the inside of his cheek, looking away at the monitor for a short moment to make sure everything is alright on the cameras. Then his eyes go back to me.

"Have you... did you see yourself doing anything under the mind control?"

I shake my head. "That's what scares me so much."

"Well, maybe you... maybe-maybe we get you back before you can do anything. I mean, maybe we'll have found a cure for the mind control by then, one that won't make you lose an arm or-or something. Maybe we'll save you."

I want to laugh at his optimism. For someone who's seen so much, he's still so pure, so good. I love him for that.

But if I get put under mind control, my love won't be enough to stop me from hurting him, killing him. Which is exactly what I'll do if Diana tells me while I'm under her control.

I've already killed Wesley. I'll die before I hurt Sam.

"Maybe," I sigh, even as the echo of those words flitter through my brain. I force a smile at Sam, who sits back down in his chair, satisfied. He says a few words to the runners in the field, but I don't listen. My mind is elsewhere, trying to think if I can somehow change my fate, my 'destiny' as some would call it.

God, please let Maxine find a cure for the mind control before it's too late for me.

I look down at my hands, and I can practically see the blood of the people I've killed-the innocent people who are dead because of me. I can hear it dripping into the floor because there's too much to just be on my hands.

God, please let me find a way to save myself. Let me find a way to save them from me...

And the monster that I am.

A/N: Hey, everyone! Hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know it's been a few weeks, and I'm sorry. I've just been really busy and haven't had the motivation to write. Anyway, please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day!