Chapter 54: If Today Was Your Last Day

I'm sitting down in the play room with Milo and Penelope with puzzle piece in hand. It's quiet, but that doesn't surprise me. It's been quiet the last two days I've been home.

I mean, what can we say? After months-months-of searching we finally know where our people are, where they've been, but we're no closer to getting them back, nor do we have any idea as to how to stop Diana's oncoming attack on Abel. It's like all these months we've spent searching, researching, desperately trying to find some sort of answer, have all been for nothing. It's taken everything in me not to rip my own hair out.

I place the puzzle piece down before grabbing another one, waiting for Milo and Penelope to do the same. Their eyes stare blankly at the puzzle and the picture we're attempting to create when we lay down each piece. Their eyes are hollow, and their faces are blank. After hearing that Caleb wouldn't be coming back with us, they stopped caring as much. It's like a little bit of them died. Penelope isn't as happy, and Milo hasn't once asked about training to be a runner-not one time.

That's how I know. This has truly devastated them, and I don't know how to make things better.

"Why did they give you off today?" Milo asks suddenly, causing me to look up. There are dark circles under his eyes, the shades of lilac contrasting greatly to his light skin that's noticeably paler than it was before I went on those Comansys boats.

"Because I only got home a few days ago," I reply. "The journey back was a hard one. It left Paula and I exhausted, and we had to hurry to make sure we could get Maxine into the cryo-freezers before anything... happened... Why do you ask?"

He shrugs, his eyes glancing back down at the puzzle. "Well, don't you want to stop Diana? I thought you'd want to find a way to get her mind control stopped so we could get Caleb and everyone else back?"

My eyes go wide for a split second at the bite in his voice, and I bite my tongue, trying not to lash out. I can see the anger in his eyes, as if he thinks this is somehow my fault that Caleb had to stay with Comansys. I know deep down he doesn't think that; I know deep down he's just upset and doesn't know how to handle it, but that doesn't make me feel any less annoyed.

Doesn't he know how hard I tried to convince Caleb to come back?

If we had a way to stop Diana right now, I would be out of these gates before anyone could even realize I was leaving, but we have no leads, we have no idea how to stop her. All we know is how she put people under her mind control via CeretinPlus and that Van Ark created a way to break it with a serum that causes the surrounding skin cells to die and eventually fall off. And we only found that out six days ago.

Sadly, this doesn't help at all in finding a way to stop her. But I can't tell Milo that, or Penelope. They wouldn't understand. They wouldn't understand how hard this has been, how big of an emotional and mental blow this is. How could they? They're simply children...

But then again, I technically am one too...

"I have a run scheduled for tomorrow," I say instead. "I wasn't given much detail on it, but that usually means it's about something important. If it was a supply run, they'd have told me, since there's no need for suspense on a mission like that."

"Will it help get Caleb back?" Penelope asks, her eyes wide. I look away and sigh.

"I really, really hope so."

He's alive, at least. He's as okay as he can be on that ship. He's not having that stuff injected in him. That's what I keep telling myself, knowing that that right there should lift my spirits just a bit... but it doesn't.

It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't give me any sort of peace or contentment. It just makes me angry because he needs to be here, not hundreds of miles away. I know he'd be happy here, and I wouldn't let him leave like before.

But he wants to help, and he doesn't believe he'd be of any help here. I couldn't force him to come back, but I wish I could've found a way to convince him to come home, because if I'm honest, I have no clue when I'll get to see him again.

I might never see him again. I might die before he ever comes home.

The fact that it could be a reality frightens me. That vision showed no indication of when it might happen, and I know Caleb wasn't there, meaning he must still be on the ships. He has to be. I mean, where else could he be?

I place down another puzzle piece, but it doesn't fit in its place. I made the wrong choice, so I pick it back up and start to look for another place where this piece might go-a place where it will all add up.

All add up... That sure would be nice.

The sound of the door opening makes me look up, and it gains the kids' attention as well. Sam stands in the doorway, rocking on his heels a bit awkwardly. "Sorry. I uh, didn't mean to interrupt."

"It's fine," I reply, glancing down at the half done puzzle. The picture isn't complete, and I can't even say it's coming together really... not yet. "Everything okay?"

He nods. "Yeah. Yeah. I just uh... I just um-well, I wanted to see how you guys were doing since, um, since, you know-"

"Mom came back without Caleb?" Milo deadpans.

He's hesitant in answering. "Yeah."

"It's not fair," Penelope huffs, eyes downcast because she knows she's going to be reprimanded for her words. "Why does Dr. Meyers get to come back and not Caleb?"

I sigh and look at Sam, who's starring at the two children with sympathy. Then my eyes go back to Penelope.

"We've talked about this already," I say gently. "Caleb told you why he can't come back right now."

"But-"

"Yes, I know it's not fair, and I know you really miss him. I miss him too-"

"But you at least got to see him," Milo snaps, and I frown.

"I saw him for four days, after going on mission after mission for seven months searching for him. And on top of that, he told me he wasn't coming back after everything Paula and I did to get on those ships to save him. It wasn't a great reunion like you think it was, because I had to leave without him."

I rub my temples. It seems like every time I turn around, something is my fault, as if I could've dragged Caleb back to Abel and thrown him in a cell to keep him from going to Diana once mind control got ahold of him.

"Listen," Sam interjects, and for a moment I'd forgotten he was even here, "there was another reason I wanted to come talk to you... Um, we have a way of talking to Comansys ships. It's through a lot of code, but Janine thought it would be best so we could talk to them and keep them in the loop about anything Diana does. Caleb told me he's awake for two or three weeks at a time, then he goes back into stasis for one or two weeks. He said when he's awake, he'll try to send you guys a message. They won't be super often, but... he thought you would like them."

"Really?" Penelope gasps, and her smile grows even more when he nods.

I send the two a forced smile. They're happy for now, but I know they'll get impatient and start wanting a message instead of the news that they might get one. I stand up. "You two stay and finish your puzzle, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes."

The two nod, eyes brighter now that they received such great news. I leave the play room, going out into the cold outdoors, signaling Sam to follow.

"Thank you," I say, ignoring the cold wind and dark clouds. "You stopped what would have been a very loud and long argument."

"It's no problem. I know it's been hard knowing he decided not to come back. I can't do much, but telling them that-well, it makes things a little better." His smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, and the reason why isn't exactly hidden. Caleb and Ed weren't the only people who decided to stay. Almost everyone who left Abel's gates decided to stay on the Comansys ships. A lot of those people were runners-Sam's runners. He cares about all of us. I know he misses them a lot...

"How're you doing?" I ask, causing him to raise a brow in slight surprise. "I know you're glad Maxine's back and everything, but... she's in a freezer, and Ed stayed back there, and a lot of other runners did too... are you okay?"

He blinks. "I don't... I don't know. I didn't really think about how I felt about it since I just wanted to make you guys feel better. I mean, I wasn't close to anyone like Paula and Maxine or you and Caleb are."

"Caleb and I have a very different relationship than Paula and Maxine," I point out, and for a split second I see something flash across his eyes. "Caleb and I are best friends, just like you and Maxine are. Don't down play how you feel about this."

"You do the same thing all the time."

"And you get angry at my for it."

"You say you're 'just a Runner'!"

"And you're saying your feelings about this situation don't matter." I take a step closer to him, and his eyes get slightly bigger. "You care about our missing people just as much, if not more than everyone else. I mean, a lot of the people that stayed on those boats were your runners, and I know how much you care about them."

He purses his lips. "Do you now?"

I shrug. "Well, I know how much you care about me, and I'm guessing you feel the same way about all your other runners. You want us safe, here."

"Yeah. Well, I mean, I do want them all back here... but I don't care about them the same way I care about you. You're..." He bites his tongue, "different."

I scoff, eyes darting away for just a moment. "I'm really hoping you mean that as a compliment."

"O-of course," He sputters, eyes wide and cheeks turning pink. He sighs and runs a hand through his black hair, looking away from me for just a moment. "I just want... I just want this to be over with. I mean, we were so close to stoping the zombie apocalypse before this happened, and it's been months and all we know is that everything we thought about Comansys was wrong and the real enemy is someone we know little to nothing about and we've only seen her a few times on cameras, and you... you know her through those visions. You know more about her than any of the rest of us do."

By now we've reached the coms shack, and while we really had no intent of going in, we share a look that says everything we don't need to. Talking out here isn't very private, even though there aren't very many people around. We've learned that there are ears everywhere, and the last thing I need is people hearing that I have visions. Janine would put me back in a straightjacket.

I shudder at the thought.

So we both head inside, flipping on the lights of the small little shack. It feels like I haven't been in here forever. I know it hasn't been too long-only a few weeks, but it feels like it's been so much longer.

Sam closes the door as I take a seat on the little cot, grabbing the old blanket on it and wrapping it around my shoulders, as the routine always went when I sat here. I beckon Sam to sit beside me, and he does. His face shows everything. I can see the emotions swirling in his brown eyes. He wants to say something, but he's not sure how... or maybe he's not sure he should.

"Have you... have you had anymore of those visions, Five?" He asks quietly.

I blink. "Well, I... on that ship, the Ariadne, I had a vision of me underwater... drowning."

"What?"

"I think it was a vision that would happen like, ten minutes into the future. You know, when I got hit with that piece of furniture and went under?"

"But you... you didn't drown."

I bite my lip. "I-I was dying, Sam... I... was giving up. I was going to let myself die. I didn't-I didn't want to swim up. I didn't want to try. But then I... I heard Sarah's voice..."

"Runner Eight?"

I nod. "She was telling me I had to stay alive, that we both knew this... wasn't the day I was supposed to die. I know it wasn't her, I don't think, but it gave me the motivation to keep going. I would've died had I not heard her voice."

A half truth about Sarah seems alright. I mean, I'm still unsure if it's just my mind or if it's something else, so it's not technically a lie... but then I notice the Sam is looking at me. He stares at me in silence for some time, and I shift uncomfortably, eyes sliding down to the floor.

"What did she mean when she said you both knew this wasn't the day you died?" He finally questions, and when I look up, I see he's paled significantly, and his eyes are glossy with fear and possibly tears. I stare in shock, not answering right away. He grabs my arms suddenly. "Five, what did she mean?"

"I... Sam, her voice was probably just my mind trying to make me move. It wasn't r-"

"Bullshit! You have visions that literally come true in the future! I'm not going to think the voices in your head are any less real! What did she mean?" His eyes are wide, desperate and afraid. His voice shakes. "Do you... do you know when you're going to die?"

Panic surges through me; My chest feels tight. "I don't... No, I-I don't..."

"Five, you promised you'd tell me about any visions you had."

I taste bile rising in my throat. "Sam-"

"You promised!" He breathes in deeply. "Now... please, tell me. Do you know when you're going to die?"

I look at him sadly, and after a few moments, a defeated sigh leaves my lips. "Yes."

He pulls back. A strangled noise leaves his mouth, and I cringe.

"I didn't want to tell you since we've been so worried about Diana and the mind control and-"

"When is it? What day? What year? How old will you be?" He asks frantically, eyes shining with tears and fear woven in his voice.

"You know I don't know that. I know it's after we defeat Diana, because it wasn't her voice I heard."

"Then whose was it?"

"I don't know. I can't really remember. I just know whose it wasn't."

He tugs at his hair, stress and fear and pain written all over his face. "Tell me what happened. Where where you? Who was there? Tell me so I can know to never send you there, never have you do it."

I grab Sam's hand, trying to calm him down and deliver this terrible news as gently as possible. Everything feels like it's creasing down on the two of us. "We-we can't stop it from happening, Sam. What I see is always... it's unchangeable, but I know it won't be for awhile-a long while. Right now we-we need to worry about Diana."

"No! We're worrying about her tomorrow! I need to-I need to know how we can stop this!"

My heart breaks when his voice cracks. "We can't-"

"You're too valuable for Abel to lose! You're too valuable for me to lose! I-you're my fourth Runner Five. I don't want a fifth. I want you! Five, I-I l-"

He's cut off by the door of the coms shack swinging open by a confused blonde.

"What's with all the yellin'?" Jody asks, and I blink, wondering why she looks so blurry. That's when I realize that I'm crying. "I could hear ya from outside."

"I-" Sam starts, but his voice cracks again, and tears slip from his eyes. He looks back at me, completely broken, the he rushes past Jody and out of the room before she can say anything else.

She looks up at me in confusion. "What happened?"

I blink and look down, wiping away at the tears. "I-I told him the truth about something and... he didn't like it."

•

Night has fallen, and the stars have come out to play with the cold evening air. I've yet to put the children to bed, but I've already spent most of the day with them, so I doubt they really want me to come back and make sure they're going to bed on time. I mean, I'm sure Milo would rather me not make sure he gets to bed. Even though he hasn't been bugging me about training to be a runner, I know there's still shenanigans he likes to get into and doesn't want me to know about.

I've given Sam a few hours alone. What I told him was quite a painful blow. I didn't want to tell him. I never wanted to tell him. I never wanted him to know in advance, not when there is no way we can fix it. I mean, Van Ark's treatments did make Simon immune to the zombie virus, but they work differently on everyone. Plus they made him immune to death itself...

I don't want that. I don't want to stay young while my friends grow old and die. I don't want to live forever, not in this life.

And I was coughing in that nightmare/vision. I felt myself dying. I heard that woman tell Veronica she had failed, whatever that meant...

Was she trying to save me? If so, why did she sound so calm at the fact that I was dying?

I can't dwell on that, not right now. I need to talk to Sam. He can't be thinking about me when we have Diana to worry about right now. I have a mission tomorrow and I can't let my operator be worried about the future when we have to be concerned about the now.

So I search for him. He's not in the sleeping quarters, or in the cafeteria or the Rec room. He's not in the green house or around any of the farms either.

I go to look in the coms shack, when I see a figure up on the coms tower. The red light flashes for just a moment, making it clear to me who it is. I swallow thickly, hating myself for loving him so much. I mean, I have to care for him a lot if I'm going to push away my fear to comfort him...

So I start to make my ascent.

I keep my gaze up, trying to push down the fear that's bubbling in my chest. Each step up sends a spike of terrified agony through me. Sam notices my climbing because of the sound of the metal ladder creaking-a sound that does not make me feel any better-but he keeps looking ahead, out into the night sky and the snowflakes that turn red when the beacon flashes.

I make it to the little platform, my hands grasping so hard onto the bars my knuckles turn white as the snow that's falling. Still I keep my composure and walk over to him and sit down beside him.

"It's been awhile since you and I sat up here together," I say, sounding surprisingly calm. Sam nods.

"It has been, hasn't it?"

"The last time we were up here, I had to use my hands to talk."

"God, that seems like forever ago," He replies, forcing out a laugh.

The red lightly flashes again, and I can see his cheeks are red and his eyes are watery, but not from the cold.

God, I wish it was from the cold.

But I'm not stupid. I know.

He's been crying.

"You know... it's gonna be awhile. Chrysalis... Tony told me she had a dream about it. She said I looked a little older."

"How much older?" He asks, turning to look at me. "Five years? Ten? It's not enough! That-that will never be enough!"

"When is it ever?" Is my reply.

"Don't get smart with me." Sam glares at me, but the pain and fear still shows through the angry face he's putting on. I sigh. "It wouldn't be.. it wouldn't be fair for you to die young, not after all you've done... You deserve more time."

"Maybe so, but we both know life's not fair. And any time is good time in a world like this."

"But it's not good enough. Not for me."

I frown, unsure of how to respond, how to make things better.  "Well, I know it'll be after we beat Diana... I think. So-"

"I don't care! I don't care about Diana or whoever this new enemy might be! I care about you! Nothing you say will make this better! I'm not-I can't just listen to you talk about your death as if it's not a big deal!"

"There's nothing I can do to stop it," I say, feeling the weight of it all on my shoulders.

"How do you know?"

"Because the last time I tried to change my vision of the future, I nearly got shot. It's lose-lose either way."

"W-what if you can't do anything, but I can? What if there's someway I can change it, or-or somebody else?"

"Sam-"

"You may be willing to accept the fact that you're going to die in a few years, but I'm not. You're my runner and it's my job to keep you alive. I'm going to do everything I can to do so..." His eyes soften, and he suddenly becomes less bold. "So... so how does it happen? How will you... how are you supposed to die? Did you feel it? Like, did u see yourself die?"

"I felt myself dying, but I didn't feel like, the end or anything. I snapped out of it before I could. But I felt it." I keep quiet about telling him how I die... I can't bear to tell him that.

"But if you didn't see it, or-or feel it, then there still hope, right? I mean, there's been tons of times where it seemed there was no hope for you and suddenly something happens and you make it out alive. You make it out okay. How do you know this isn't going to be one of those times?"

"I don't, but-"

"Then there's still hope." There's desperation in his voice, in his eyes. "I can't just believe you're going to die and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I-there-there has to be a way to change it. There has to be."

"But I don't even know when this is going to happen. How can you stop something that hasn't come to pass yet? Something we don't know when it will come to pass?"

"I don't know, but... just promise me you won't accept it." He grasps my hands in his. "Promise you won't just be okay with dying... Promise me when the time comes, you'll try to change it-you'll try to make it out alive."

I stare at him, lips parted in speechlessness at the sight of his tired  face and eyes trying to cling to the small flicker of hope and light in this situation.

"I... I-"

"Promise me... please."

"I... I promise."

He nods, pulling away. "Good... That's... good."

I fiddle with my fingers. "Just because I'll try to change my fate doesn't mean I can or will. If God decides that's my time-"

"Why would God show you your own death if there wasn't a way to change it? Why? Of all the things He could show you, He gives you that. Why?"

I shrug. "I don't know. To prepare me for it? Maybe it's not my death but the people I heard-these new enemies. Maybe that's the warning." I pause. "And I thought you didn't believe in God anymore."

He seems put back at that. "Well, I-I don't know. Just with the visions and the fear and all that... it's up for debate now, I think ... But you having these visions must mean there's a way to prevent it. There has to be. We need you, Five. You have no idea how important you are to Abel-to everyone here. You can't... you can't just die. Not until you're like, ninety-seven, and even then I wouldn't be satisfied."

I cock a brow. "You'd be like 101 or 102. You'd be dead."

"So? Just cause I'd be dead doesn't mean I want you to be."

That actually causes me to smile, and I lean closer to him, the cold beginning to seep through my clothing as the snow starts falling heavier. He doesn't mind. He just lets me lean against him for warmth.

"I'll try to stay alive... I really will."

"Great," He sighs, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "That's... that's great."

A/N: Hey, guys! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! It didn't go the way I planned it, but I still think this is a good chapter. I hope you think so too. Please be sure to vote and comment! Thank you and have a blessed day.