Chapter 43: Burn

I don't slow down until I'm through the gates, and after they've closed I head inside the medical tent. I sit down on the examination table, and I wait, hands shaking from anger and hurt and other swirling emotions that I can't yet comprehend.

God, I can't believe this. I can't believe Sam. I can't believe he'd do this, although I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Everyone I seem to trust fully somehow finds a way to disappoint me. Can't see how I thought Sam would be any different.

Kefilwe enters the tent, and my eyes snap up to meet her. Her light blue eyes hold a certain pain, a certain hurt. She tries to hide it, but I know the look. I've worn it on my face enough times to know what it looks like on someone else's. I sigh.

"Kefilwe, I'm so-"

"Don't apologize," She interrupts. "What was said today was none of your fault. I know you asked Sam and Paula to be kind to me because I am your friend. You tried. There was nothing you could have done to make them be kind to me."

"I know... it still isn't right that you had to hear that."

"Well, what's done is done. There is nothing we can do to change it. Now, you know it's protocol. Take off your shirt, pants, shoes and socks. I need to check for bites."

I do as told, staying completely silent as she looks at my skin, searching for bites and drops of Paula's blood. She doesn't find any. I was careful, even in my fury and anger, I made sure to keep myself safe.

I stand up once she's finished, grabbing my sweaty clothes and slipping them back on. My eyes are heavy and my body aches. My skin is surprisingly warm from the after effects of my burning rage, but right now I don't care. I'm tired, and I feel disgusting. Meaning I want a shower and a nap. Maybe if I get a few hours of silence in before Sam calls, I won't completely blow up on him.

Because I'm not stupid enough to think that when I hear his voice, all that anger and hurt won't come rushing back to me. Because it will. I know it will, and I will most likely not hold back.

Not now, at least.

It should take a few hours, I think. That's how long Paula is in that plasmapheresis machine so it can clean her blood properly. Four hours every week or an hour every other day, I think is what she has to go through.

"Runner Five," Kefilwe sighs as I head for the exit. I stop and look back at her, face completely blank. "I know you're angry at Sam and Paula for what they said and did, but when you talk to Sam, please don't say anything you may regret."

"I can't promise anything," I reply, my voice flat.

"I just don't want you to lose friends over this."

"It was their decisions to be jerks to you. If that were to happen, it would be their fault, not mine." I pull my short hair out of its small ponytail, knowing I probably look terrible. "I'm going to go take a shower. You'll come get me when Sam calls in, right?"

She nods. "Of course."

Then I leave, dropping my backpack off to whoever is standing there, waiting for it. I don't really look at his face, because right now I don't really care, but I think I see whoever it is glare at me because I made him wait a few extra minutes before giving him my backpack to rummage through.

Again, though, I don't care. I don't exactly have anything worth digging through anyway, so I don't see why he's so agitated. I'm the one that has a reason to be, as does Kefilwe. But she's the better person here, and that doesn't surprise me. I don't remember the last time I swallowed my pride and was the bigger person in a situation.

I head towards the locker room where I keep a towel and a change of clothes. Lord knows I need that with how terrible these smell. Even in the cold I sweat like a pig. Although I haven't noticed much of the cold today. My mind has been on other things.

The streets are quiet, I notice. I guess that's to be expected, given the time. It's still early morning-a quarter 'til six. I'm not surprised not many are up and about just yet. I'll need to get showered and dressed before it gets time to make breakfast. I do have kitchen duty this morning since the mission of today was not scheduled.

Lovely. Just the thing to brighten my sour mood.

I scoff quietly. Even in my head, the sarcasm sounds awful.

I could always skip it, saying I was tired from my mission. A nap does sound delightful, but I know I'll probably get a tongue lashing from Janine for skipping shift, which is not something I think I'd enjoy. I'll have to just sleep after breakfast, I guess.

My footsteps have no rhythm as they lead me into the runners' locker room. I put in the code for my locker, silently putting my axe away and grabbing my towel and change of clothes. I close my eyes for a moment, tired, upset, frustrated, before grabbing my locker door tightly and slamming it shut. The sound echoes through the room, and I grit my teeth because for some reason it only makes me angrier. I open my eyes, frowning in confusion when I seen that there's a dent in the locker door from where I grabbed it.

I look down at my right hand, blinking. That can't be right. I couldn't have grabbed it that hard. I don't think anyone could have put a dent in a locker door from grabbing it... right? That's not possible.

...Right?

I shake my head. I'm thinking about this too much. It must've been there before, and I just haven't noticed it until now. It doesn't matter anyhow. This is just my mind wandering around because I don't want to think about Sam or Paula or Kefilwe or the situation of what was said and done.

I put the lock back on my locker, and with my clothes and towel in hand, I leave, heading for the showers. I study  everything I see, looking at every detail as I try to distract myself from the silence around me. I don't like silence. When it's silent outside, my mind starts screaming.

It's been screaming a lot lately.

They've been screaming a lot lately.

I reach the showers, and I grab one of the many bottles of body wash from the wooden shelf. I don't bother trying to see which one smells best; They all smell too strong of dandelions or lavender or jasmine. And the men's wash is too strong of pine or 'mountain mist' or whatever the hell it says on the bottle. But strong scented is what I need right now, since I smell atrocious.

I do the same with shampoo and conditioner, and I set it all in the shower, with my clothes and towel on the little hook on the wall. I step inside the shower stall and peel off my sweaty clothes, tossing them out onto the ground without a care. I turn on the water next, flinching when the cold spray hits me.

With ninja-like speed, I jump back, nearly falling out of the shower stall to avoid the cold water. I wait a minute or so, until it's warmer, before inching closer to the spray, and finally letting it run over my pale skin. It gets hot not long after that, steam starting to rise up  from the stall. My skin quickly goes from pale to bright red from the heat, not that I care. I feel warm. I don't get to feel that very often.

I breath in deep, closing my eyes. It's nice, feeling warm, feeling comfort, especially now.

Too bad I can only stay in here about twenty minutes.

I scrub at my skin, trying to get all the dirt and grime off me. The strong perfume smell nearly makes me gag as it mixes with the smell of my sweat and body odor. The same goes for the shampoo and conditioner, but it's the best we've got. And it's better to smell like a grandma's flower garden than smell like whatever monster could smell like me after a run.

I guess Shrek would make a good comparison. Living in a swamp and all, he probably smells bad the majority of the time.

So yeah, better to smell like a flower garden than to smell like Shrek.

I sigh, leaning against the shower wall, shuddering at the contrast of the cold tiles and the hot water. My eyes stay trained upwards, at the ceiling, although I don't really see it. I just stare, my mind wandering off into the abyss, trying to get me out of reality's grasp for a few moments.

But then the shower head spurts, a blast of water suddenly hitting me in the face before going back to hitting my chest and stomach. I sputter and cough, slightly shocked, but then I rub my burning eyes and stand up normally.

I turn off the water, wishing I could be selfish and burn my skin off a little longer. But Janine wouldn't like that. She wouldn't like me being wasteful. I'm clean now, so there's no need to stay in the hot water any longer. I wring out my hair, knowing I'll need to dry it off quickly so it won't frizz up too much, and then I grab my towel.

It only takes me a few minutes to dry off, put on my clothes, and wrap my shoulder-length hair into the towel as best I can. It looks like a lopsided beehive on my head, if I'm honest with myself. I never could understand how women could do this type of thing and make it look so easy.

I step out of the shower, cringing when I see myself in the foggy mirror that's starting to go back to normal. My skin is bright red, and when I touch my left forearm, I can still feel warmth radiating from my skin.

Guess I should enjoy it while it lasts. I know within a few minutes I'll be shivering cold, like usual.

I pick up my sweaty clothes from the floor, and throw them in one of the large laundry baskets. Most people reuse their clothes three or four times before deciding it needs to be cleaned, but runners-with their running clothes-not so much. We can reuse a shirt three times maximum, and that's only if our runs are short and easy, which isn't usually the case.

Running attire is usually what fills these baskets, so me chucking this in there won't surprise anyone.

Just as I do that, the door opens, and I turn my head curiously to see who might be up and deciding to take a shower at this time.

"Runner Five," Kefilwe says, scrunching her nose up at the sudden heat, "Sam just called in over radio."

My brows draw together in concern. "Is Paula alright?"

"They made it to New Canton alright, yes. Her blood is being cleaned now. We can only hope for the best. He says he wishes to talk to you."

I cross my arms. "Did he apologize for lying to you about today's mission, and also just being an asshole to you?"

"Um, no-"

"Then he can wish on, 'cause I'm not talking to him-not right now anyway."

She sighs. "Five."

"What?"

"Don't be like this. You need to talk to him at some point."

"Yes, but that some point doesn't have to be now."

She just stares at me, and after a minute or so I groan in defeat. "Fine."

With a sigh I put on my shoes and leave the showers, immediately shivering when the cold air hits me. With teeth now chattering, I head for the coms shack, Kefilwe leading. She stops at the door, giving me one final look-one of warning. She doesn't want me destroying my friendship with Sam over her, but she doesn't realize it isn't about her, not really. It's Sam's actions that have me angry.

I just wish I could tell her that without rebuke.

I head inside, close the door and sit down in the old swivel chair. I take my towel off my head, my damp hair flopping onto my neck. I fiddle with it for a few seconds, trying to delay this for a few moments. Then, with baited breath, I press the button to connect the coms links.

"Sam?"

"Five?"

I sigh. "That's me."

There's an awkward pause. "I'm really-"

"Before we begin this, I have to ask if you heard my conversation with Paula while you were coming to get her."

I have to know. I have to know if he heard what she said about... how I feel about him.

Although really, all I feel for him right now is resentment, and anger, and an overwhelming need to punch him in the nose.

"Um, no. I didn't tune in my headset until I got about halfway there." There's a nervous exhale. "Why? What did she say?"

"Nothing important," I answer calmly. "Now that that's out of the way... What the freaking hell, Sam?"

I hear the chair squeak from the other line, meaning he flinched at my sudden outburst.

"All I asked is for you to be nice to her, and what do you do? You lie! You lie to her so she'd miss a mission. A crucial mission! A mission that could have given us information on what to do to save our people! What... I can't believe you would do such a thing."

"I know."

"She's done nothing to you, or Paula. Hell, she hasn't even done anything to Maxine."

"I know that," He sasses.

"Then why do you act like it's her fault Maxine's gone? Huh? You treat Kefilwe like-like trash, like freaking garbage. I just wanted you to be civil and you... y-you..." I let out an angry growl, pissed off that I can't seem to find the right words to say.

It takes me a minute or two to calm down-well sort of calm down-and Sam stays silent the entire time. He doesn't have anything to say, really. What can he say?

"Why?" I ask, voice low and dry. "Is it that hard to be nice?"

"You..." He sighs, trying to find the right words. "You have to look at it from our side too."

"Our side? So there's sides now?" I sneer.

"No, t-that's not what I meant."

"Then what do you mean?" I stand up, my hands balled up into fists as I start pacing around the room, anger welling up in my chest once again. "What do you mean by 'our side'?"

"Well... Maxine-I've known her for a long time, almost as long as the apocalypse. Maxine is Paula's girlfriend. You know how much they love each other. And you... you just haven't known her as long and-"

"So? What does that matter? I still care about Maxine. I still care about Caleb. I care about you and I've only known you for what, a year and a half? Damn it, Sam. I've only known you for that long and-and..."

"And what?"

I shake my head, freezing where I stand. "It doesn't matter. You lied to me. You lied to Kefilwe. You promised me you'd be nicer, but it was only because of Janine's threatening that you were somewhat civil. It wasn't because you thought, 'Runner Five is my friend and I care about her, so I'll be nice to Kefilwe because she is Five's friend'. It wasn't because your close  friend, Five, asked. No, of course not."

"I did think about you. I did think about what you asked of me," He argues, but I don't listen.

"She's my friend, and she's a good person. I understand you not liking Simon. I get that. He did a bad thing and you're not ready to forgive him. I understand you being a bit miffed at me for forgiving him, but Kefilwe has done nothing to you. And she's helped me-"

"Get back your voice."

I blink. "I was going to say with some of my anxiety towards the A.M.T.B. But... yes. She-she did."

He scoffs. "Why do you like her so much, Five? Is it because she's actually a good person, or because she gave you the medicine that allowed you to speak again?"

I choke on my own breath, eyes gone big, mouth hanging open. "How dare you."

"Ya see? You've just given me my answer."

"How dare you!"

"Face it, Five. You only care about Kefilwe because you're grateful she helped you speak again!"

"That is not true!" I snap, shoulders tense, eyes wide and teeth grinding together.

"It is. You'd feel the exact same way towards Dr. Lobatse as we do if you were still mute."

"That's a lie and we both know it," I bark. "A-and even if I only was friends with Kefilwe for that reason, it still gives you no right to treat her so poorly. What has she-"

"She replaced Maxine. That's what she's done!" He shouts.

"Well, I replaced the old Runner Five-your girlfriend! Do you hate me too?"

There's a pause.

"That's-that's different."

I cook an eyebrow, even though he can't see it. "Is it? How? Because Alice is dead but Maxine isn't?"

"Stop."

"So if Maxine was dead, you'd be more accepting of Dr. Lobatse? Is that it?"

"Five, I said stop."

"If Alice was still alive, you would treat me like you treat Kefilwe?"

"Please."

"Would you hate me? Would you treat me like trash? Would you talk down to me? Would you ignore me? W-"

"Shut up!" He shouts, the sound echoing across the room. Once the sound disappears, there's nothing but dead silence.

That's when I realize how heavily I've been breathing, and how my hands are shaking, and how I've paled.

"Would you?" I ask quietly. "Would you hate me if she was still alive?"

No reply.

My shoulders and neck tense up. "Sam, answer me."

Nothing.

My face falls when it hits me. That's exactly how he would feel. If Alice was still alive, he'd treat me just like he and Paula have been treating Kefilwe.

"You're just a replacement until Maxine gets back."

That's what he says to her. If Alice Dempsey were still alive, he'd think the exact same thing about me. He might think that now, even though she's dead.  I'm nothing but a fill-in, a substitute.

I'm just a replacement.

"Oh, my God," I whisper.

"No," He says a breath later, as if finally able to force it out of his mouth. "I wouldn't-"

"You're lying," I say lowly.

"What? No, I-I-"

"You're lying," I say again. "I-If Alice was still alive... you'd dislike me just as much as you dislike Kefilwe."

My chest hurts. It feels like a thousand knives are stabbing me in the heart over and over again. A small noise passes my lips, even though I try hard to keep it from doing so, and my eyes are stinging with unshed tears.

"Five, no. I don't... i-it's not like that. I care about you. I... I-"

"Call when you get the results on Paula. I've got work to do."

My voice is stone cold. Everything is stone cold. The warmth I felt not even ten minutes ago is gone-dead. I breathe in deeply, my lungs feeling like they're being stabbed with ice. It hurts almost as bad as my heart does.

"W-wait. Five, if you could just let me-"

"Goodbye, Sam."

"Wait! Five, please!"

Click.

I stand there for a few moments, lips parted in shock over the realization. My fists are clenched so hard, my nails are digging into my skin. Tears slip past my lashes, but not from the pain of my nails slicing into my skin, drawing blood.

I'm just a runner. I'm replaceable, just as I am a replacement for someone else.

That's all I am.

I never should have let myself believe otherwise.

There's a knock on the door, and I spin around, hand out, ready to yell at whoever outside to not come in. I don't want anyone to see me like this. But I'm too late. The door's already open, and Kefilwe is standing there. Summer stands beside her, murmuring how she knew something was off about those plants and she hopes Paula will be alright.

But then they both notice me, and Summer's words die in her throat.

"Runner Five," Kefilwe starts, eyes scanning over me, "are you-"

"I don't want to talk about it," I interrupt, my voice low and gravely. "Excuse me."

With that I bolt, passing between them and heading for the dorms rooms. Most  of the people should be gone from there by now, given the time. I have work to do. I know that, but I need to allow myself to calm down. If not I may say or do something I'll later regret.

"Wait!" Summer calls, but I ignore her. Kefilwe must've sent her. I don't care though. I don't want to talk about this-not now, and not with her. "Five, wait up!"

"Stop following me," I growl warningly, but she obviously doesn't listen, because I can hear footsteps of her still racing after me.

"No," She replies, quickly catching up with me. "Dr. Lobatse is worried. Said she would've come if she could keep up."

"I'm fine."

"Well, you're crying, so obviously that's a lie."

I bring a hand up to wipe away the tears.

"What happened in there?"

"What do you think happened?" I spat, swinging the door to the sleeping quarters open and stomping inside. I was right. There is no one in here.

"Well, something was said that hurt you. But seeing that Abel's made you soft, it could be a number of things."

I sigh, stopping in front of my bed, eyes downcast. "We don't mean anything."

She looks at me curiously. "What?"

"I said we don't mean anything!" I ball up my fist and punch the bed frame of the top bunk of the bunk bed. Pain shoots up my hand, but I ignore it as I punch it again. "We're worthless!"

I hit the bed frame again.

"We don't mean anything!"

And again.

"We don't matter! I don't matter! Because if anything happens to us, to me, it won't matter!"

And again.

"Because we're all replaceable!"

I scream as I slam my fist into the bed frame, and then I hear a loud clang. Summer gasps. My eyes go wide. All the air has suddenly disappeared from my lungs, and I immediately pull my hand back.

I made a dent into bed frame... which would be impressive if the bed frame was made of wood.

But this is astonishing, because it's made of metal.

I punched a dent into a metal bed frame.

I look down at my hand with wide eyes. My knuckles are red, bruised, and swollen, and it hurts like hell. But there are no bones broken as far as I can tell.

"How..." I start, then I remember my locker...

"I wish I could tell ya what he did to ya, but I don't think even he knew. But still, time will tell; Time always tells."

Simon's words echo in my head, and I feel the blood drain from my face.

"What the hell?" Summer murmurs, and I quickly turn to face her.

"Don't you tell anyone about this. Clear?"

She doesn't answer, so I grab her arm, squeezing hard. "Are we clear?"

She just stares at me. "What are you?"

I swing her around, slamming her into the bunk bed. She winces, eyes squeezing shut for a short moment before opening to look at me in fear.

"Believe me when I say you don't want to know," I answer. Honestly, I don't think I want to know, either. "Now, are we clear?"

She nods vigorously. "Clear."

A/N: That took an unexpected turn, didn't it? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please be sure to vote and comment. Thank you and have a blessed day!