31. Change

A Little Over A Year Later...

As I looked out the car window and at the sky, the gloomy clouds seemed to have held my focus. They had covered the sky completely, not a speck of blue could be seen through, but just a blanket of white cotton.

I wish at least the weather would've been a little nicer and brighter, I felt as if it had begun to reflect my mood.

The route back from the the airport would've been a scenic one usually, but I didn't notice any of it, my eyes were only fixed towards the sky.

"Honey, are you okay?" Dad asked, I felt his hand gently on placed my head, checking up on me.

"No," I replied.

I really didn't feel okay. I felt like something was lost or missing. I didn't like this feeling at all.

"Do you want some chocolate? Or should we get some food?" He then asked.

I knew he was trying to make me feeling better, but right now, it didn't feel like anything would work.

"No, thank you," I replied.

The heavy silence in the car weighed upon us once more, before I heard my Dad's sigh break through.

"I know this hurts now, but it'll get better," he said. "You're my little solider."

"I don't feel like a soldier," I told him.

"You're allowed to have a bad day," Dad said and when I glanced at him, his eyes were on the road but a smile was on his face. "You can have many of them, but they won't stay like that. The sun always rises after the darkest of nights."

This caused me to let out an amused breath. "That was cheesy."

"It's the truth," Dad replied, standing by what he'd told me.

I've had quite a few dark days in my opinion, but my Dad was right, it didn't stay like that. I would always manage to see the light after that, maybe not the next day, but it soon enough. I would feel happy again.

However, this time it felt a little harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

"I wish he didn't leave," I sighed, with a frown on my face that just wouldn't leave.

"You'll be okay, sweetheart," Dad told me, as he held my hand in his. "Just wait for it."

Honestly, I was just tired of waiting.

It wasn't too long until we reached home and I wordlessly got out of the car and headed inside, my Dad right behind me.

He reached over and unlocked the door, waiting for me to step in first and I walked in, instantly spotting my Mum who was walking into the living room.

She paused in the steps when she saw me and gave me a smile.

"Hi, darling," she greeted me. "Are you-...do you want some food?"

I almost smiled at the way she avoided asking me if I was okay, probably assuming that could trigger some kind of water works within me.

"Can I go lie down for bit?" I asked her instead.

She looked at me with me a small smile and nodded. "Sure, honey."

As I headed up the stairs, I head Mum call out to me once more.

When I got to my room, I just closed the door behind and headed towards my bed, only to halt in my steps when I saw a box on top of the covers.

Taking off my shoes, I climbed onto my bed and looked at the box, my eyes finding the little gift tag attached onto the corner.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I hope this helps even a little bit. Liam.

This was definitely unexpected.

I took the gift tag off and kept it aside, before opening the box and the corners of my lips tugged upwards seeing what was inside.

He got me a red velvet cupcake.

The gesture caused a smile on my face and I put the box on the bedside table, before pulling my knees towards my chest and remembering how I got to this place.

***

I was rushing to meet Holden. Apparently he had something important to tell me and little did he know, I had something to tell him as well.

Over the course of the year, being with Holden had actually being the best thing I had experienced. He made me feel happy and so loved, I felt my feelings growing stronger for him the more time that we spent together.

There was still a small hidden part of me that held feelings for Liam, but they weren't as strong, they weren't prominent, they weren't what I had always felt before. Being with him made it easier to accept that Liam wasn't mine, but Holden was.

He made me happy and I...well, I'd be telling him how I felt today.

I grabbed the little pendant he'd bought me, a little golden 'S' and rushed out, muttering a quick bye to my Mum.

Holden was meeting me in the park not far from my house, since we planned to have lunch outside today, a little picnic for the two of us.

I rode my bike to the park and headed into the grassy field to find the perfect spot for us. Holden had to go somewhere with his Dad and was running late, so I already knew I'd have to wait a little.

After finding what I thought was the perfect spot, I laid down the picnic blanket and took a seat. Holden would be bringing the food, so I didn't have to worry about that.

As I scrolled through my phone, I felt someone engulf me in a bear hug from behind and instantly grinned, knowing exactly who it was.

"Hi, baby," I smiled at his greeting and began laughing when he nuzzled his face into my neck.

"Stop, that tickles," I told him between my laughed.

Holden kissed my cheek. "Which is why I do it," he said and then moved around, to sit in front of me.

I couldn't stop smiling, something that often happened around him, but when he suddenly held this almost wistful look and took my hand, placing a kiss on my palm, I felt confused.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, feeling a little strange, but tried to brush it away, even though in the pit of my stomach I felt something was wrong.

"I have something to tell you," he said, but that only made me realise that I did too.

"Me too," I grinned and scooted closer to him, sitting with my legs tucked underneath me. "Please can I go first? I promise it's worth it," I asked him.

Holden looked conflicted, but sighed when I tried to be really cute.

"Alright fine," he said.

I took a deep breath, because what I was about to say was big, for the both of us, but more so for me. I'd never actually uttered these words for someone else before, or at least didn't have the courage to before.

"So, I know we've been together a while and you've been so patient with me, but I realised something the other day," I began to tell him.

"Okay?" He replied, probably curious as to where I was going with this.

Another deep breath and I just decided to make the leap.

"I have fallen for you, Holden," I said and watched as his face morphed into various expressions, shock, confusion, happiness and then something else. But I just continued. "Completely fallen and seriously. Or I fell. Tripped. Buckled. Flat on my face."

"Rena..."

"I think I love you," I confessed, my heart hammering within my chest, like a caged bird itching to be released, even just for a moment.

Being with Holden made me happy. I felt like I had loved before, but this was different, this was where I knew my feelings would be reciprocated.

Holden had told me a while back that he loved me, I just couldn't the words out at the time. I knew I cared for him, I definitely really liked him, but love was different.

However, the way he looked at me and the feeling that I had when I was around him, it was definitely more than just liking him.

I don't think I truly even understand what love is, but I knew that what I felt for Holden had to be close to it.

Instead of replying, Holden pulled me into an abrupt hug, causing laughter to bubble out of me.

"Are you serious?" He asked.

I pulled away from him. "Yes. I know I told you I had some feelings for someone else before you and I did, but you're so good to me and I really love spending time with you. You're really awesome and..."

Before I could finish my words, Holden kissed me. I think he felt the same way.

I had told Holden about the fact that I did have feeling for someone else before, leaving out who that was. I didn't know how our relationship would go at the time and I didn't want to be unfair towards him. If he knew that about me, then it was his choice whether to stay or not. But he did.

When he pulled away from the kiss, I was smiling, until I saw Holden looking at me with a longing expression. Just like the one he'd had before.

Before I could ask him what happened, he spoke up.

"I'm so sorry," Holden said.

It was so random, I felt that feeling of dread within me once again.

"What? Why? Holden, you're scaring me," I told him.

This was supposed to be a nice moment. I just made the leap, I said what he'd wanted to hear and I needed to tell him. Why didn't it feel right anymore?

Holden cleared his throat. "That thing I had to tell you..."

"Yeah?" I asked, my heartbeat increasing now.

"Rena, my Dad. He...he got a new job," he told me.

I knew that wasn't all of it, but tried to smile anyway.

"That's great news," I said, waiting for the bad part of this, because there just had to be one to warrant this kind of reaction from him.

"It's in Chicago," he revealed.

Immediately, my smile faltered. "What?"

"It's a really good job, with a lot of benefits. We're all moving," he told me.

"I can't-...I don't understand," I stuttered, trying to process what he'd just told me.

This wasn't happening right now. I hadn't told him something for which I used all my courage, only for him to leave? No. He was meant to stay.

"I'm so sorry, baby," Holden apologised in a choked up voice.

When I looked at him, I could see it in his eyes, the pain swirling within them. It was hurting him to tell me this, as much as I was hurt hearing the words.

There was a burdening silence between us. I just didn't know what to say to him or what he could say to me. I felt happy and then I didn't, like the rug beneath me had been tugged harshly.

I held the little pendant I between my fingers, twisting it slightly.

"When do you leave?" I asked him, looking down at my lap.

"During the holidays," Holden replied.

Involuntarily, I let out a chuckle or more of an amused breath. I didn't mean to, it was just the ridiculousness of the situation that caused it, or my fate. It's a bit of a joke and all I could do was laugh at it.

I felt Holden take my hand in his again, linking out fingers together.

"I'm going to really miss you," he said.

I looked at him and realised right now, he must not be feeling the best either. I felt like I needed a hug, which probably meant he did too.

Taking my hand away from Holden's, I saw him frown at my actions, until I looped my arms around his neck and just hugged him, resting my head on his shoulder.

He instantly circled his arms around my waist and I felt his chin resting atop of my head.

"I'm going to miss you, too," I whispered.

I felt Holden's arms tighten around me.

"Do you regret confessing?" He asked, probably assuming that I wish I hadn't told him.

Instead of replying to his question, I gave him another one which I knew would hold the same answer.

"Do you regret me?" I asked.

He didn't have to say anything, just like I didn't either.

***

After that day, Holden and I tried to just make the most of the time we had before he had to leave. It was hard, but I just tried to focus on the now, rather than the later.

Of course when our friends find out, they were shocked. I realised then than Holden had told me about his move first, which was kind of sweet, making sure that I didn't found out from someone else.

The thing I struggled with, was to answer 'what happens to us now?' When Holden told me, we hadn't really discussed us. At the time it was just the case of him leaving, but the future of our relationship just sort of hung in balance.

But all it took was one real conversation between Holden and I to realise we couldn't do long-distance. He didn't want me to do the constant back and forth, to go through that all the time, whereas I didn't want to hold him back.

Whatever my feelings may be, I didn't want that to keep Holden back. I definitely didn't have a crystal ball and couldn't see the future, but we were only sixteen, there was so much time for the both of us.

If we were meant to be, we'd find our way back to each other, if not, then we were always friends before everything.

I wanted us to remain friends because I didn't want to lose him in my life. At a time that I didn't really feel so good about myself, Holden really helped me and would always remain grateful for that.

We ended up having more of an amicable spilt rather than a break up, but it still hurt nonetheless.

Memories with him is something I would forever cherish.

I twisted the 'S' pendant that I wore between my fingers, thinking back to this morning.

Holden wanted me to see him off at the airport and I did, despite knowing that it was going to be a really hard goodbye.

I didn't cry, surprisingly. I still haven't. I tried to just send him off with a smile, which somehow I managed to do.

A knock on my door snapped me out of my thoughts.

The door opened a bit and I saw my Mum peek through the little gap. She knocked before entering, which was change.

"Sweetheart, do you want to eat?" She asked and I nodded.

Mum walked into the room with a tray in her hands.

She placed it on the bed and then held my face in her hands gently.

"I know it hurts now, Rena. But this will all make sense in the long run," she said and I smiled, leaning into the warmth of their hands.

I didn't really understand what she meant but I believed her anyway.

"When I broke up with my first boyfriend, I thought why doesn't the ground just swallow me and end the pain," Mum told me, moving to hold my hands now. "But then, later down the line, I found your Dad. Everything just made sense after."

It's always so weird to think about your parents with anyone else, apart from each other. But then again, my Mum is a stunner so it's not that surprising too.

I know what she was trying to say, that this wasn't the end of the line, but I just felt tired. I liked Liam for so long and then when I felt myself moving past it and found new feelings with someone else, he'd left.

"I'm going to miss him," I said.

Mum squeezed my hand and I looked up at her.

"Just make sure of one thing, don't lose yourself in this," she said and I tilted my head in confusion. "This pain and hurt, it can cause a whole ordeal but I never want you to forget yourself."

If only she knew how much 'ordeal' I had already been through.

"Okay," I nodded.

"Make sure you're happy. Whoever it is you choose in the end, make sure you're happy. If need be, choose yourself," she told me and I smiled.

"Thanks, Mum," I hugged her and I felt her hug me back, gently stroking my hair.

"Did you have talk about the knob that came before me?" I heard my Dad's voice and when I pulled away from my Mum and looked towards the doorway, he stood there looking unhappy.

"Were you eavesdropping?" Mum asked.

I saw my Dad's eyes widened.

"I was casually walking by-..." he trailed off when Mum gave him a stern looked, "-and then stopped right outside the door," he smiled sheepishly.

"Mark," Mum said his name sternly.

"Zara?" Dad said her name cheekily, before walking into the room and sitting on the bed next to Mum. "How you feeling, sweetheart?"

I smiled. "A little better."

This was just a new change I had to learn accept.