62 - Time

Sanem

"Welcome to California and to our new life together Sanem."

His embrace and those words whispered in a rough voice sent a shiver down my spine and broke my breath.

I lay still for a few moments unable to move or even think for the wonder of the sensations his closeness and words make me feel, but soon the reality of the situation comes back to break the spell.

I break away and bring myself to a safe distance from his warmth and bewitching touch, only to tell him exactly how I feel, how I can't stand seeing him with other women and that with the divorce he can do what he wants with whomever he sees fit. My heart breaks at every single word but that's what I have to do, I had realised this from the start, I have to let him go even if he thinks he feels somehow obliged by this marriage he knew nothing about and didn't want.

I turn back to look at the ocean leaning my hands on the balustrade and trying to breathe deeply so as not to cry, I have to make myself look strong and determined.

I suddenly feel myself being grabbed, spun around and imprisoned by his arms as he rests his hands on the balustrade at my sides, I'm trapped, I can't move and I can't do anything but look into his deep hazel eyes that are looking at me seriously right now and.... I can't give a definition to the warmth I read reflected in them, I'm afraid to.

- Sanem, you told me that malicious people and many misunderstandings had led to our estrangement for a year, if I hadn't followed you here today the same thing could have happened, maybe this time we would have been separated forever because of the maneuvers of those who wanted to divide us and our inability to communicate.

Let's start from the beginning: Ayfer.

Why did you leave the meeting room when you heard her invite me to dinner? If you had stayed, you would have heard that I politely and firmly declined her offer to have dinner with me and told her that if she wanted to talk about work, she could easily make an appointment with our assistant.

I open my eyes wide in surprise - But then, the next evening... -

-The next evening I went to dinner with Kemal, my reporter friend, and it was he who suggested that I go to Venezuela in his place, as he had already committed himself to a reportage in Africa -

I'm in trouble, I don't know what to say, I open and close my mouth several times unable to formulate an answer, he continues.

- I almost immediately regretted having taken that job Sanem, because I realised I was running away from the feelings I was beginning to discover for you and that frightened me to death, never before had I felt something similar for a woman.

And now the second point: Polen.

The engagement involved me first going to meet the editor in London to make arrangements and only then leaving for Caracas, that's why I went there, not to go looking for Polen.

Once again we allowed other people to create misunderstandings between us, my mother warned Polen that I was going to London and she asked me to meet her, I accepted because I always considered her a dear friend but, apparently, I had misinterpreted her character.

I realised that she is frighteningly similar to my mother and that she was shamefully taking advantage of my memory loss to make me believe that we were still somehow close when in fact, since I met you, there has been no room for anyone else in my mind and heart.

I have a memory of a conversation with Polen in which I told him just that, that there was nothing and could never be anything more between us, that I loved someone else, that I loved you -

I shake my head trying to clear my head, his words have completely overturned all my convictions, I had suffered enormously at the thought of knowing him with other women, at the thought that he had returned to Polen after all we had been to each other since we met.

The problem, however, continued to be another, how well do I know this Can?

How much does he know me now? How much of that exceptional and deep feeling can I hope he will remember or recover? Can I accept that he may be even a distant shadow of what he was?

Sigh - Listen Can, these revelations of yours I must say have destabilised me, I must admit that it has not been easy for me in recent months to think of you with other women after we had promised each other love and devotion for all the days to come.

The fact remains that you don't know me, you don't know who I am, you haven't lived with me so many moments, so many sensations that have strengthened and amplified our love over time.

I don't know you, I don't know who the new Can is and above all I don't know how he really feels about me -

- Sanem... -

-No please, let me finish.

I don't feel completely comfortable with you now, I don't know how to act, I don't know what you think, what you feel, I don't know how you see me and how you see us together.

I don't know what to expect from the future, you're the man I love with all my being but at the same time you're not anymore. You came all the way here with me, you tell me you want to start living our life together but how can I open my heart to you completely again with the doubt that one day you might decide that your love is not enough to keep you close to me? I don't know if I could survive a rejection from you this time.

I'm asking you for this Can, I'm asking you for time to get to know each other again, to get used to each other, to life together, to the idea of trying to make our relationship work, and maybe even that marriage that you don't remember and maybe ultimately affects you, makes you feel compelled to try.

I ask you to give me time to find the courage to believe again that there can be a future together Can -

He looks at me with shining eyes, I read a tenderness and a feeling that I seem to know but that I'm afraid to accept, he takes his hands off the banister and brings them to my face, his thumbs gently caress my cheeks continuing to look deeply at me.

Then one hand goes to his trouser pocket from which he pulls out my bandana, his bandana. The other hand from my cheek goes down in a slow caress on my neck to grab the chain that I never take off, he pulls it until he gets to reveal what's hidden under my dress, no longer just the moonstone ring, now there's also our engagement ring with the fragment of the amber stone he gave me a long time ago.

- Alright Sanem, I can only accept your terms, we will take all the time we need to get to know each other to trust each other's love again, I'm in no hurry, we have our whole lives to be together I'm sure.

I know because I am sure that the amber stone has done its duty, it has brought me to my beloved, it has brought me to the one who is the bright part of my moon, the bright part of my life -