61 - San Diego

Can

How nice it is to hold her tight in my arms while I pretend to watch a movie when all I want to do is breathe in her scent and enjoy her closeness.

We both fall asleep like that, although the position isn't very comfortable I manage to sleep like I haven't since .... well let's just say I can't remember when I've slept so well, certainly not since I came to in that hospital bed.

This is the first thought that comes to mind when, hours later, I wake up slightly sore but finally rested and happy to have her still close in my arms.

It's an exhilarating feeling to have her so close, curled up against me with her cheek resting on my chest, it makes me feel good, I feel complete, I have my whole world enclosed in an embrace.

In a flash another place, another time, the same feeling of bliss, I see myself waking up in a bed embraced by her and her cute black and white pyjamas.

Instinctively I reach out a hand to stroke her hair, I have the feeling I've done this a million times and, although I don't remember each time, I know it's the most relaxing thing in the world, I smile happily.

She moves slightly, perhaps disturbed by my touch, and I find myself looking into the most beautiful gaze I've ever seen, her eyes shining with a deep love, her sweet smile welcoming me and saying so much, saying everything there is to say.

I smile back at her, continuing to stroke her hair and then her cheek, she's so beautiful my Sanem I think with a squeeze of tenderness in my heart.

We stay like that for a few moments, eyes in eyes, smiles mirroring each other's blissful smile then she seems to shake herself, her eyes open wide as if surprised and she pulls herself up and sits back down in her seat.

-I'm sorry I've been invading your space all night.

- It wasn't a problem at all, in fact, I have to say it was a real pleasure.

I smile at her as I see her look away trying to compose herself, the stewardess with the breakfast takes her away from her embarrassment and soon we have to prepare for landing while, outside the porthole, the California sky begins to appear, coloured by the thousand shades of the dawn of a new day.

I am as excited as I always am at the start of a new adventure, but this time it is different, it is not the place that makes the difference, but her. The idea of starting a new life adventure for the first time with someone else, with the woman I know is my future, is an indescribable emotion.

As the plane begins to descend I see her stiffen once again, I am about to extend my hand when she surprises me, she instinctively reaches out and takes mine to shake it tightly. I smile tenderly, reach out to her as far as I can with my seatbelt fastened, pass my arm over her shoulders while I hold her hand, she looks at me and nods gratefully as the plane touches down on American soil.

Before long we are out of the airport and in the taxi to our new home.

OUR home, what a strange effect the idea of having someone to share existence with has on me, I didn't think it could be so intoxicating just thinking about it. I see her looking around curiously, I reach out a hand through the taxi seat to take hers, she looks at me smiling happily as we walk along a stretch of road that runs along the long stretch of sand of Pacific Beach with its typical palm trees.

We arrive at the cottage, we get out and unload our luggage, Sanem seems to notice my huge suitcases for the first time, she looks at me questioningly - But... - I smile at her - Come on Sanem, let's go and discover our new home - She gives me an intent look but the excitement of the moment soon distracts her from her thoughts, she moves excited to go and discover that place that until now she could only imagine.

The flat is just as she had described it to me, small, tastefully decorated and with a spectacular view of the beach and the ocean. She wanders around the rooms as excited as a child and then comes out onto the terrace and spreads her arms as if she wants to take in all the beauty that surrounds her in one tight squeeze.

That's exactly what I do, I walk up behind her, place my arms on hers to intertwine our hands and then wrap them around her waist whispering softly in her ear - Welcome to California and our new life together Sanem -.

I hide my face in her neck as I hear her hold her breath, after an interminable moment she breaks apart and pulls away.

-Can what are you doing? Why did you come here with me, I told you that you don't have any obligation towards me, you don't have to feel guilty or responsible for anything I...-

-Sanem... Will you let me speak this time? I'm here because I simply wish to be, because I want to be with you, because I can't be without you.

It took me some time, I had to make mistakes and repent bitterly for the things I said and did, repent for leaving you, for running away, because that's exactly what I did, I ran away from you and from a feeling that I didn't know and that I thought was impossible for me to feel....

She looks at me seriously - Did you run away from me or did you simply go in search of someone else? -

I am surprised by her words, I look at her questioningly - What do you mean? I don't understand -

- Can listen, I understand that when you woke up without any memory you felt like the Can you were before you met me, I understand that and I have to accept that, as I told you I can't force you to love me and if you want to date that Ayfer or Polen I have no right to stop you.

I have already told you that, with the divorce, I leave you free to live where and with whom you want as long as it's away from my eyes Can, I can't stand knowing you with others, I prefer to cut all ties with you and each live his own life -

As she speaks many pieces of the mosaic begin to fall into place and make me understand what happened, Sanem left for Sila the night I went out to dinner with Kemal while she must have thought I was with Ayfer, since she had heard her proposing to me in the meeting room at the agency the day before.

-Polen? What do you know about Polen? -

- What should I know about Polen? I know that you flew to her in London before going to Venezuela and I heard you talking to her on the phone the other night.

I understand that I have to come to terms with it and accept that she is still important to you, you practically don't even remember that you ever broke up, so I can't accuse you of anything other than begging you to let me live my life, just as I have let you live yours freely with whomever you choose to -

I shake my head in disbelief, my mother's manoeuvres have succeeded, all she had to do was inform Polen of my movements to interfere in my relationship with Sanem.

So many misunderstandings, so much useless suffering ...