58 - Towards a new life

Sanem

It wasn't easy to leave him in the living room and leave, I look at the door and my heart is screaming to go back to him, to tell him what I feel, because I feel hurt but...

- Maybe you should talk to him, ask him to explain -

For the first time since it appeared my voice seems to want to be a paraninfo instead of a discordant one, unbelievable! I smile sadly, what right do I have to go to him and complain about the fact that he has started seeing Polen again if he thinks they were engaged until recently? Who am I to stop him?

No, I force myself to stay there, motionless, sitting on the edge of the bed and letting go of the silent tears of regret for what we were and are no longer.

- Sanem? Please, can we talk?

I don't answer, I can hardly breathe as I try so hard to stifle the sobs that would like to come out forcefully to give vent to the despair of that moment, to the desperation for the evil fate that prevented us from being happy with that accident.

I have no idea how I found myself watching the first morning sunlight filtering through the window curtains, how could I have spent the whole night without moving from that position?

I don't hear any noise coming from the living room, I open the door slowly only to find that he is gone.

His suitcase is no longer there where I have been accustomed to seeing it for days, he is not asleep on the couch as he was early every morning when I deliberately got up at the crack of dawn just so I could watch and adore him in complete freedom.

He is so beautiful, my albatross, his decisive features, that hair he lets down during the night, his mighty chest rising and falling in the light breath of sleep.

I have fixed in my mind every detail of his beautiful face, every detail of him, even his hands are of a shocking beauty for a man, so delicate in taking a photo as they are caressing my skin or my hair.

That's all I have now, the memories.

He is gone and I can only live and relive the same images a million times in my mind, recalling the intensity of the emotions we felt and remembering the magic of our being together.

"Loving can hurt, loving can sometimes hurt

But it's the only thing I know

When it gets hard, you know it can get hard sometimes

It's the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes never close

Hearts never break

And time is forever frozen, still"

I leave the cottage shortly afterwards as if in a trance, I miss his presence terribly, it was so easy to get used to him, to spend every single hour together as in these wonderful days we have just experienced.

The day passes slowly between the library, visiting the elderly owners of the cottage to pay for the stay, packing my suitcases and calling my parents to tell them that we will talk again when I arrive in San Diego.

When all is done I go to sit on my rock to gaze long and hard at the North Sea ready to leave this place that has been such a comfort to me.

The next day's journey to Londra seems interminable, although, as always, Evan's exuberance manages to bring a few smiles to my face. I greet him with a hug and thank him for everything he has done for me. He has been a dear friend who, in addition to researching for my book, has been a great help in overcoming a moment in which I felt so alone.

I arrive at the airport perfectly on time, I take care of all the boarding formalities, and then I wait, sitting on an armchair, watching the comings and goings of vehicles and planes on the runways below. I think about the adventure that awaits me, my first intercontinental trip to a new life in a place so foreign in terms of environment and habits, I am excited and frightened at the same time, I must admit.

My flight is called shortly after, I start with a slow step and a heavy heart at the idea that I am closing with a season of my life, I am leaving behind so much, everything.

I take my seat on the plane by the window as I had expressly requested to Kerem because, I told him, I want to see the world flowing beneath me and I want to dream in the clouds.

The hustle and bustle created by the passengers getting on and moving around looking for their seats soon calms down, I say goodbye with a distracted smile to the lady who has come to sit next to me and go back to looking out of the porthole at the English sky which that day seems to threaten rain.

For a moment my traitorous mind takes me to him, who knows where he went? To London to meet Polen? Or has he already returned to Istanbul?

I shake my head forcing myself to stop, enough is enough, I have to move on and stop wearing myself out thinking about ..... a well-known voice interrupts my thoughts and makes my heart skip a beat.

- Excuse me madam, would you mind swapping our seats? You know how it is, at the time of booking I couldn't book the one next to my wife, we are newlyweds and you understand that we wouldn't want to be apart all these hours -

I turn around, I can't believe my eyes, there he is with his killer smile trying to seduce the lady sitting next to me to convince her to swap places with him.

Is that possible or am I dreaming?