54 - Yours always

Sanem

"I'm not leaving you anymore Sanem, I've decided that you are my life, forever this time I promise."

I can't believe he's serious, the world and Sanem have always revolved around Can Divit I can't believe the opposite can happen.

An awful suspicion has been brewing in me ever since I saw him appearing in the audience in the library, yes it must be so.

- Listen Can, I don't want you to feel obliged to say or do anything because of this marriage.

It's something you didn't choose, you didn't know anything about it before I sent you that letter through Metin, I don't think it's fair for you to make decisions in the wake of a sense of responsibility to a commitment that, let's face it, the Can who woke up in that hospital bed would never have dreamed of making.

I thank you for the offer but I don't think it's the best thing for you and neither do I, I don't want a husband who stays with me out of a sense of duty -

- Sanem I'm here because I want to be, because I've missed you every single day since before you left, when you were in Sila and then when you left to disappear into thin air. I've missed you every moment of these three months, long before I knew about this wedding I knew you were essential to me Sanem.

I shake my head, once again he's trying to cast his spell on me, his words make my heart beat like crazy and at the same time terrify me, no, no I can't believe him anymore.

I get up from the table and go out through the French doors that lead to the garden and from there to the beach. It's dark but the full moon illuminates my path, I reach the rock that since I've been here has become my most trusted friend and confidant. It is flat enough to resemble the one in Istanbul that has witnessed so much of our history, and like that it is capable of helping me find peace and comfort in front of this sea so different from the Bosphorus, always agitated like my soul at this moment.

I embrace to give myself comfort and to warm myself against the cold winds blowing from the north, I feel more lost than ever. I came here to Plymouth now resigned to having lost him forever, I just had to be able to learn to live without him, now I am faced with an unexpected situation that literally terrifies me.

I'm afraid of giving in to the need I will always feel for him, I'm afraid of accepting his offer, of believing his words and then living a half-hearted love, a love that is not what we lived before that damned accident, living in doubt that he is with me out of a sense of obligation or out of guilt.

I can't accept that, I would die a little bit every day....

I'll be his forever, I can't lie to my heart, but I can't settle, it's not possible to do so after experiencing the truest and most unconditional love.

I hear his footsteps approaching, I stiffen not knowing what to expect or what to say.

I feel the warmth of a blanket that this wonderful man whom I love with all my being rests gently on my shoulders. I can't look up at him right now, I feel too fragile to do so.

I feel him sit next to me in silence, we don't speak, we just stay like that, close to each other, both needing to collect our thoughts and breathe deeply in search of answers.

After an interminable time, he speaks.

- I have missed the sea, in these three months I have seen mostly mountains and forests, but I have also had the opportunity to see the brightest stars I have ever admired, and those stars have told me so much about you, Sanem. I have seen images that I believe are memories of us, embraced in a hammock, lying close together in a sleeping bag, sitting on a jetty, in silence like tonight looking at the stars. I'm slowly catching up, frame by frame, with our history together, Sanem, and I'm falling a little more in love with you each time.

I turn to look at him with all the anguish of a heart that can't be satisfied.

- And what will happen if your falling in love at some point is not enough to make you stay? I can't Can, I don't want to settle, I had everything and now I can't settle for anything.

I don't want someone next to me who feels obliged, who feels guilty or who makes an effort to love me -

I get up in a hurry and go back home, aware that I am leaving a piece of my heart on that rock, my breath of life.

It's always been like that since that stolen kiss in the dark and it will continue to be, I can do anything to deny it but my heart knows it, I can't lie to him, it knows that even if I give him up because what he can offer me isn't enough, I'll be his forever...