53 - Decisions

Can

"I'm tired of being subjected to your fears, your doubts, your choices".

This sentence said by Sanem in a heartfelt tone has touched deep chords in me, she knows me very well, she has understood that many of my behaviours are dictated by deeply rooted fears, insecurities deriving from my childhood that have always led me to run away from every problem instead of facing it.

But this time I will not, this time I am determined to fight for what is essential for my happiness, for her.

I will not sign the divorce papers, I will not let her go and I will never leave again, to be exact I am determined not to leave her again for any reason.

I see her turn to leave, I can't allow that, I chase after her and take her in my arms, it's a wonderful and exhilarating feeling. Now that I have clarified my mind and heart I seem to see her with new eyes, I found her immediately attractive when I saw her after I woke up in hospital, but now looking at her, holding her in my arms as I do at this moment I realise that I feel an overpowering attraction for her that I have never felt before for any woman.

Once she's freed herself from my embrace I follow her to her house, I can't risk letting her out of my sight or I wouldn't know how to reach her again. When we get to the porch, she asks me what I want from her, and in a sincere burst of love and desire I approach her, putting my hand on the door behind her, lean my head to one side and almost whisper on her lips that I want my wife. It is the pure truth, I know it now, I want her in every sense and forever.

She is clearly shocked by my words, opens the door and hurries to lock herself in her room but I take comfort in the fact that at least she let me in the house, I was afraid she might slam the door in my face and leave me out. Well, every small conquest is a step forward in my mission to get closer, I won't give up, there's no room for hesitation and mistakes this time.

I don't think he's going to walk out of that door anytime soon, I walk away leaving the front door pulled over to hurry to the station to retrieve my luggage and stop at the supermarket not far from Sanem's cottage, I quickly make the purchases I'm interested in and head back to prepare dinner.

It doesn't take me long, I can easily find everything I need, at a certain point I hear the water running in the shower, good I think smiling, soon she will come out of her hut just in time to find everything ready. I hear the key turn in the lock and the door opens slowly, I sigh, every time I look at her I seem to discover that she is always different and always more beautiful. Right now she is barefoot, in a long dress that leaves her shoulders bare, her hair still slightly damp, I find her terribly attractive.

Of course her expression is not the most friendly, but I'm not in a position to complain.

- Come on, Sanem, we both know that when you haven't eaten for too long you get cranky - I invite her to sit down with a gallant wave of my hand.

She looks at me puzzled - Do we both know that? -

In fact I'm surprised too, it must be a memory because I don't think this aspect of her has ever come out since we 'met again'.

We sit down and start eating in a rather tense silence, I try to lighten the atmosphere - Would you like to tell me about the promotion of your second book? I saw online that you have been to several European capitals on your tour, tell me, what did you like best?

It seems to me for a moment that a light of enthusiasm has lit up in her gaze, then as soon as it has appeared it disappears, she lowers her gaze to her plate while she plays listlessly with her food - Everything went as it should -.

Something clearly upsets her and I think I can even guess what it is, I reach a hand across the table to place it on hers - Sanem, forgive me for not being there for you. I'm so sorry, really -

She looks up at me surprised as she retracts her hand, I must have guessed the reason for her upset and her words confirm it.

- This is the second time you're not here Can, this is what I mean when I say I can't think about relying on you anymore. There's always a reason, there's always a force majeure, but apparently you're never there every time I experience an important moment in my life.

Her words know where to hit and they hit hard, I can't argue, she's right, it's the second time she's experienced the most beautiful experience a writer can have and once again she was alone, I wasn't beside her.

- I'm sorry Sanem, I made a big mistake by leaving, I realised it right away, but at that point I had made a commitment and I couldn't back out anymore -

- Listen Can, I really can't understand this attitude of yours after... never mind, you made some decisions, you thought they were the right ones for you, now let me take the ones I think are more appropriate for me.

I am about to leave Can, in a few days I will fly to California, to San Diego to be exact, I will stay there for six months for a job in collaboration with an American publishing house and in the meantime I intend to write my third book.

As you can see, there is no more room for you in my life as you decided there was no room for me in yours when you left.

I wince at her words, a shiver of terror runs down my spine, the new Sanem is determined. What I've put her through has changed her profoundly, she's strong and stubborn, it's good for her that she is, but I can't accept her closing herself off to any chance of making things work between us.

I'm making an immediate decision, this is not the time for doubts or wavering, at stake is my life, our life together.

- Tamam, all right, tell me when I have to book the plane -

- You're not staying here in England? You're going back to Istanbul -

- No I'm not staying in England, I'm coming to San Diego -

Raises his surprised gaze to me - What? -

- This is what a life partner does, he reviews his existence in function of that of his partner if necessary.

I told you that I don't intend to leave you, if it's you who leaves this time, then I'll go with you.

I'm not leaving you anymore Sanem, I've decided that you're my life, forever this time I promise you -