52 - Sudden returns

Sanem

It was a real shock to find him in front of me, for a moment I seriously thought I was having visions when he came forward during the reading meeting, at least until he spoke and his words seemed to make even less sense of his presence there in that place.

I can't believe he's really here, he should still be in Venezuela right now, why did he come back and why did he come looking for me all the way to Pylmouth?

- What do you want from me Can Divit?

- There are so many things I have to say and so many explanations to give Sanem, I don't even know where to start.

Let's do this, let's start with the essentials by answering your question honestly.

I want you Sanem.

I've realised that the Can I am and the Can I was have one thing in common: they both want you Sanem Aydin.

My poor heart misses a beat and then starts beating at a crazy pace, I can't believe what he's saying, not again. I don't have the strength and maybe not even the courage anymore to believe that it's possible between us.

- Is it? And until when this time? Until the next flashy woman buzzes around you? Until the next adventurous trip you're offered or until the next time I make a mistake and you decide it's over again? -

- Sanem listen...

- Can you listen, I don't know where this certainty of wanting me for you came from, did you get your memory back? -

- No, I have flashes of us together but I haven't completely recovered my memory -

-You haven't recovered your memory, but now you think you want me like three months ago you were sure you didn't, right?

I'm sorry but I can no longer live like a satellite of the great Can Divit who decides and arranges his life and that of others.

By leaving for this trip once again you have put your needs  before everything and everyone and I am tired of suffering your fears, your doubts, your choices.

It is time for me to think of me, to do what is best for me and I have realised that you are not good for me Can Divit, you annihilate me and make me a non sentient being.

You use the love I feel for you to dispose of my life and decide everything for both of us, you want me then you don't, you're here then you leave and Sanem is always here ready to settle for every crumb of what you decide to give her.

I'm sorry but I'm no longer willing to accept such a thing.

Go back to Polen or that Adile, leave for a whole year, live your life as you see fit but let me do the same with mine -

I get up from the bench and look at him seriously - Sign the papers Metin sent you and let's get this over with, I think it's better for both of us at this point -

I turn to leave but I manage to take a few steps that I feel his strong arms embrace me and hold me against him, my back against his chest, his face in the hollow of my neck, he brings his mouth close to my ear.

- Sanem, it can't end, what has always been between us is too important, too unique and we can't lose it, I can't let you go, lutfen please give me another chance, listen to me -

The emotion prevents me from breathing, his warmth, his perfume, his whispered voice all seem to prevent me from thinking clearly, the Sanem in love would like so much to turn around in that embrace and lose herself once again in that love that overwhelms everything and puts it in the background. But the Sanem who has been hurt and cast aside for the umpteenth time now has to be strong, has to protect herself from the destructive force that another abandonment can have on her life.

- If it had been so unique we would not be here now Can -

I step forward releasing myself from his embrace and head for home, my soul in turmoil and the tears threatening to start flowing never to stop.

It takes me a few moments to realise that a determined step follows behind me, I turn to look and there he is, handsome as the sun, following me as if it were the most natural thing to do, his gaze steady and his expression determined.

I freeze in my tracks and stop to face him - Ne yapıyorsun, what are you doing? Where do you think you're going? -

He shrugs his shoulders - I am going where you are going, I told you and I repeat that I cannot leave you, you are my wife and I am your husband, I will stay where you are -

I open and close my mouth in disbelief, I can't fight back, I want to scream, he's going to drive me crazier than I've gone crazy in the past because of him, I turn around and start walking again with him at my heels.

We walk in silence like this for quite a while until I get to the gate of my beach cottage, I turn around once more to face him.

- Can, I think you'd better leave, I don't think...-

- That will never happen, I'll never do it again, I'll never leave Sanem.

I'm here to stay with you, for ever -

I stare at him in silence for a long time, I don't know how to interpret his words, it's all too sudden and unbelievable and I don't know how to react to his firmness either.

I open the gate to enter and he follows me promptly, we arrive under the porch and I turn to look at him resting my back against the door - Can, what are you up to? What do you want from me? -

He rests a hand on the door beside my head and brings his face closer to mine whispering:

- I want my wife, that's all -

My heart is pounding, my breathing is short, my mind in turmoil, I don't know what to say or think anymore, I open the door and let him follow me inside and then head resolutely to the bedroom, I enter and lock the door.

I need to be alone, I need to breathe and put my thoughts in order, I don't understand his behaviour and I don't know how to react.

I lie on the bed staring at the ceiling for I don't know how long without being able to formulate any coherent thought, so much agitation I feel at having seen him again. I don't hear any noise coming from the next room, maybe he's gone, I decide to take a shower in the hope that the cool water will help me clear my mind.

I get dressed and can't wait any longer, I open the door and cautiously lean out, not knowing what to expect, certainly not him with his shirt sleeves rolled up who is finishing bringing dinner to the table as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

He looks at me smiling - Come on Sanem, dinner is ready -.

I shake my head still not entirely sure I'm not daydreaming.