51 - Difficult beginnings

Can

In a short space of time, I had managed to close my job and catch a flight to London a week before the three-month deadline.

I couldn't rest, I had to reach her as soon as possible or it could be too late for us this time, so many signs let me understand that Sanem had changed, the enormous sufferings she had had to suffer because of me several times during our story had changed her and this time what I had done to her could be too much to forgive.

She had opened her heart dispassionately to a man who looked at her like a stranger, she had tried to continue to love him with every gesture and every look and I had completely ignored her if not deliberately hurt her by feeling threatened by her expectations of us. No, this time it might really be too much to forgive, even for her and her infinite love for me.

I was anxious about not being able to find out exactly where she was, how could I reach her once I arrived if I had no clue where she was?

I landed at London airport, left my luggage at the hotel and decided to get my work out of the way as I had come to London, I went to the publishing house and handed over all the photographs I had taken over the last three months, we would be in touch later to finalise the details.

I made friends last time with a journalist of Turkish origin, and I ask him if he knows the Turkish author Sanem Aydin, who was recently in London for the presentation of her new book.

He tells me that he has not read her books but he heard about her presence here last month, in the publishing world everyone knows everything about everyone.

I ask him for help to find some information to reach her as she is a dear friend of mine and I would like to visit her since I am here, we do a search on the internet together and get nowhere, after all I had already tried alone and it was a failure.

At a certain point I see him resume typing resolutely on the keyboard and shortly afterwards he smiles triumphantly at me.

-I thought I would try to look on the website of the English inter-library system where the smaller events held in the small local libraries are often advertised, and there it was, she was scheduled to meet with readers in the Plymoyth library tomorrow at 5pm -.

I can't believe my luck, if I hadn't come here I would never have been able to find out, it must be a sign it can't be any other way, something is leading me to her and this time I don't need a vision to see what it is.

I think back to her engagement ring and the amber stone from which the main stone had been carved, it must be so there is no other explanation, the amber stone was probably leading me to my beloved.

I spend a restless night and at first light in the morning I am already up and ready to catch the train to that remote Cornish town of Plymoyth, who knows how she ended up there?

The journey seems endless, more than six hours sitting on a train seat makes me feel like a caged lion, I'm impatient to see her, I'm scared shitless that she doesn't want anything to do with me anymore, that she's decided that this time my behaviour doesn't deserve her forgiveness.

I arrive just in time to reach the library, which fortunately is not very far from the station, and I arrive to see her from afar climbing the steps and disappearing into the large doorway of the old building hosting the reading meeting.

There are so many people who have come to meet my Sanem, I am not surprised, she is good, she is really good, she is able to transport you with her words into her heart and mind and the reader cannot help but love her and the story she is telling.

I go into the packed library, the seats are already full so I decide to stop at the back of the room, I want to wait until the meeting is over before going to talk to her. I see her reach the table set up for her together with a man who, at a certain point, puts his arm on her shoulder while they laugh together about something.

I feel the blood boiling in my veins, who is that man? How dare he touch my Sanem, my wife! My instinct tells me to go and remove his inappropriate hand in a bad way, but I manage to dominate myself because luckily he removes it as they sit down to start the fight.

I see them laughing together and a sharp jealousy assails me, I remember that those smiles were all for me before the accident while afterwards I gave her very few opportunities to smile, and it is only my fault.

I awoke from these gloomy reflections when the meeting began, I was enchanted to hear her read some passages from her book, I missed her sweet voice enormously as I missed everything about her.

The questions from the audience begin, I hear her answer each of them with sincerity, my heart tightens as I hear her excited voice say that the ending of the book is a daydream of the happy ending that she could only dream of living and then say that the Phoenix is doomed to burn forever without its albatross.

I hear every ounce of her suffering in the tone of her voice, I realise now more than ever how much harm I have done to this poor girl whose only fault is that she loved me deeply.

At the next question about the albatross I feel called into question when she says that it will fly free forever because no one can stop it or tie it down, now I know that's not true and I can't help myself. I raise my hand to reserve the word from behind the wall of people who have hidden me from her sight until now.

I take a firm step to the side to make myself visible and ask her:

- What if the albatross had found his mate for life and decided to build his nest with her, never to leave her again? What would the Phoenix do? -

I see her remain motionless in a tense silence for an interminable time, the audience begins to whisper as it is clear that something important is happening.

Then her lapidary voice comes to me loud and clear as her serious gaze points into mine:

- Maybe the Phoenix has lost faith that its albatross will ever decide to build the nest and stop forever, maybe it would rather burn forever than be completely annihilated by another abandonment -.

She turns to the audience - Teşekkür ederim, thank you for coming and for reading my book, I am honoured, goodbye -

She gets up quickly and I see her leave the room through a side door, I struggle to counter the stream of people who are instead moving in my direction heading for the main exit of the library. I hurry to follow her, enter the room where I saw her disappear and find her with her back turned as she takes her bag resting on a chair to leave.

-Sanem, Sanem, lütfen, please wait-.

I see her freeze in place without turning around, she seems to be trying to regain composure before doing so, I reach her and place my hands on her arms. She immediately breaks away turning around to face me.

- What do you want Can, why are you here? -

- Sanem, can we talk quietly in a quiet place please? -

-Sanem, what's up? Is everything OK? - The man I saw earlier with her enters the room and brings himself to her side resting a hand on her back, once again I feel the blood rumbling in my ears from the huge effort not to punch him.

- 'Yes Evan, it's alright don't worry,' Sir was saying goodbye to me before leaving.

It was nice to see you again Can, hoşçakal, goodbye -

-Sanem, we need to clarify, please allow me to speak to you calmly -

- What do you want from Miss Aydin? Please get out of here and leave her alone, it is clear she don't want to talk to you, who do you think you are? -

I lose all semblance of civility and control, I approach Sanem resolutely and take her hand firmly - It so happens that Miss Aydin is actually Mrs Divit and I am her husband, so if you don't mind we'll go somewhere else to talk calmly now, goodbye -

I almost drag her out of the room and out of the building amidst the curious gaze of the patrons who have lingered outside the library.

We remain silent for quite a while, I don't know where I'm going either, I need to calm down before talking to her and I head towards the end of the street where I can see the sea in the distance.

We go out onto the street that runs along the harbour and I head resolutely towards a bench, sit down and invite her to do the same.

We turn to look at each other, her expression is decidedly serious.

- What do you want from me Can Divit?

Well, let's just say that it doesn't seem to be the best start, but I won't be discouraged, I'm here with a very specific purpose and I won't leave without her by my side.