48 -My future without him

Sanem

Third month - Future

I've been here in Plymouth for a long time, I've stopped counting the days that pass lazily between a walk on the beach, a visit to a museum, an art gallery or a trip to the English countryside that gives me so much peace.

I have got into the habit of always eating in different places, in the restaurants on the harbour as well as in the characteristic pubs hidden in the alleys of this ancient port city.

By chance I passed in front of the public library located in a wonderful historical building, it attracted me like a magnet and I felt the need to enter to be enchanted by the beauty of the large rooms full of old bookcases, full of books from the floor to the ceiling richly decorated with beams and stuccoes.

I was literally thunderstruck by the beauty and peace of the place. I started wandering around the shelves, picked up a few books and without realising it, I spent hours reading and consulting old volumes.

Suddenly I had an idea for a future book, I would like it to be a historical romance between a captain of a merchant ship that stops over in Pymouth and a young English noblewoman who is here on holiday.

In short, what was supposed to be my rest period after the promotion of my second book became a total immersion in research to know in detail the historical period in which I want to set the third one. Everywhere in this city you breathe history, as well as having a rich past as a seafaring city, the second largest in the Royal Navy, it has now become the largest naval base in Western Europe.

I soon made friends with Evan, a very nice young man who helps me in every way in my research. While signing the forms for the loan of some volumes he saw my name and recognised me as one of the writers of one of the most popular books to be borrowed by the users in the last year.

I enjoy his company, he is an educated and very sensitive man, he tells me he read and loved my first book and will be happy to help me find material for the third if I want.

We go out to lunch together and talk about our favourite authors which, in many cases, coincide.

I give him some suggestions about Turkish writers he absolutely must read and he suggests historical novels that can help me learn more about the historical period in which I want to set my book.

I've been away from home for almost two months now and, apart from a few phone calls with my parents and Ayhan and meetings to present my book, I've had very little interaction with my neighbour.

I let myself be persuaded to go to a reading meeting at the library the following week, Evan telling me I'll be amazed at how many admirers I discover I have in Plymouth.

I don't know how I went from being on holiday to being fully immersed in my new book, but it happened on the wave of the magic of this very special place. I'm excited to imagine this new story, of course the main character will be handsome and charming, with long hair, eyes as black as night and a smile that will make the heart of any girl you meet beat faster.

- Of course, who knows who he looks like? -

My inopportune voice wants to point out that, even if I am working, he is always at the centre of my thoughts and desires, we both know that this is how it is and how it will always be, we both have to get used to it and live with this awareness in the years to come.

As I immerse myself in the nineteenth-century atmosphere of the book I'm imagining I can't help but think of the offer to go to San Diego. According to Kerem, it would be a great opportunity for my future as a writer, I could land on the American continent and make myself known to the general public, which I am sure would love my books.

I'm thinking about it, I realise it would be a great opportunity for me but at the same time it's a big leap into the void that needs to be carefully pondered even though I'm aware that I can't continue to live on memories, I have to move on with my life and maybe this trip is the right way to do it.

I have to make a clean break with everything I have been up to now beside him, I have to transform myself into another person, I have to find the strength to turn over a new leaf and start a new life.

Nothing and no one comes into our lives by chance, everything is necessary for our growth and our change, he was a hurricane that swept over everything and left my world completely changed behind, but I can console myself thinking that with me I will always have the memories of what we were for each other, those can never take them away, they will always have that bittersweet taste of joy and regret.

The truly beautiful memories live on and shine forever, pulsating painfully along with the passing of time.

Banana Yoshimoto

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I will treasure those memories in my heart forever, but I must look forward to my future.

It is possible that I may decide to go and write this new book in San Diego, I can do it anywhere, I can even do it on the other side of the world ... while I go to meet my new future without him.