46 - My new present

Sanem

Second month - Present

After the first few days of presentations in Istanbul, Ankara, Izmir and Izmir my new life began, I decided to accept invitations to some of the main foreign cities in the countries where my second book will be published.

I had not been able to go abroad to promote the first book, I was too fragile at the time and deep down I still hoped to one day travel with him as you had promised me. This time it is different, the situation is different and I am a different woman, more confident and determined.

I leave Istanbul and for a whole month I don't give myself a moment to stop and think: Barcelona, Paris, Berlin, London.

I stayed for a week in each city, alternating book promotion appointments with tourist trips in search of must-see places to visit but also characteristic views of each city. From each of them I send photos to my parents, my Layla, Ayhan and Mihriban to reassure them and to let them know that I am well.

Every place I visited seemed like a dream come true, the Sagrada Familia, the Eiffel Tower, the Brandenburg Gate, Big Ben and the London Eye, everything seemed new and wonderful. The thought of him often creeps in but I try to banish it to a remote corner where it is right that it should remain. I need not to think now, I must devote myself only to my book and to the discovery of this world, which for me is all about novelty and discovery.

While I am in London I receive an email from Metin telling me that my shares have been sold, I am a very rich woman and, between the income I have earned and the sale of my books, I can now decide to live how and where I want.

The question at the moment is: what do I want now?

Now is the time to enjoy the great personal satisfaction that my work as a writer is giving me, I am interviewed by several international newspapers and I receive an offer for a job in collaboration between my publishing house and an American one that would take me to San Diego, California, for 6 months.

I surf the Internet to discover that it is a beautiful city on the Pacific coast with endless beaches, spectacular parks and a mild climate all year round. Is this what I want? Am I ready to fly to the other side of the world on my own to discover this wonderful boundless world?

I don't know yet, I'm exhilarated by the feeling of joy that this freedom of movement gives me, it seems to me somehow that all possibilities are open, I can dispose of my life as I see fit now, I feel lucky and proud of the achievements I have made with my own strength.

Keşke, if only...

- Enough Sanem, don't you dare, you have to think only about what you think will make you happiest right now -

There she was again, my inner voice had given me some respite, maybe she had realized that it was not the case to inflict and she had been quiet, quiet in silence.

- Biliyorum, I know, but you know better than anyone what, or rather who, would make my present and future happy -

- We both know but now is the time to act and react, come on Sanem, pull out all your courage and take the plunge, don't be afraid, I'm with you -

All right, she's right, it's time to think big, to take the plunge into the unknown because what is known is too painful to live with and face.

Alright, I will think about it seriously but not right away, after these busy months I need a break before making such important decisions for my life.

I'm in London since 10 days and for the moment I don't have planned any other stop of the promotional tour, we agreed with Kerem that after a month of touring the various European capitals I would take a more or less long rest before making any decision for my future.

I don't want to think about what comes next for the moment, I want to live in the present and I only have to choose where, I open the internet, I look for London on Google maps, I zoom in to see the whole British island, I don't know why but that isthmus that stretches to the south-west of the peninsula has always fascinated me so much. The decision is made, I organise my train ticket and stay to go to the sea, where I have always found comfort and relief to the pains of the soul, I begin to prepare my luggage for Cornwall.

I take the first train of the next morning, it's a long journey but I'm not worried, I've always loved the slow, rattling progress of the train that now allows me to enjoy the boundless expanses of the English countryside. I lean my head against the window and close my eyes, I am so tired, now that the frenzy of the book launch is over I feel the physical and mental tiredness of the last few months weighing on my shoulders. I would like to rest my mind and body, I would like to be able to find the right switch to turn off the memories and emotions.

I sigh as a famous sentence from the writer we loved reading together comes to mind:

Teach me to forget to think.

William Shakespeare.

If only it were possible, if only I could stop thinking about him, but how can you tell a heart to stop beating and a body not to breathe?

The train journey is interminable but somehow manages to relax me, I even manage to fall asleep at times before arriving in the early afternoon in the beautiful port city of Plymouth. I soak up the vibrancy of the main streets full of museums, art galleries and monuments as I make my way to the cottage I booked, which is located on a beach not far from the centre.

I feel good, I feel that this place is the right one for this time in my life, I will stay here for a while to rest before making decisions for my future.

As my inner voice has rightly said, I must gather all my courage and, without fear, take the great leap into the unknown, into the future, into that future without him that frightens me so much.