44 - Letting go of the past

Sanem

First month - Past

It's been a month since Can left Istanbul and it hasn't been easy, I've had to pick up the pieces of my heart and my existence in order to face what awaits me: life without him.

I've spent days completely alone, thinking, thinking and rethinking about every single moment of our past together, daydreaming about the day and night watching and sleeping under those stars that were so dear to us.

It has been a process of healing and soothing that has helped me to find the strength to start reacting and moving towards my new life on my own.

The first step was going to talk to Mihriban, a poignant and delicate meeting during which her affection and unconditional support helped me to find the courage to start looking at the next steps in my life.

I met with my publisher to fine-tune all the stages of the launch of my second book, this time it will be very different from the first because everything is different and I am now a different person.

I went to see my parents and with them Layla and Emre, I explained what the situation is and what I intend to do in the coming months.

It was not easy to convince my parents that I am making the right decisions for my future, they would have liked to keep me close to them to make sure that nothing that happened a year ago can happen again, but I managed to calm them down in the end.

What I experienced in the past after his departure was terrible but now I have changed, I have grown so much in awareness and self-confidence, I am now aware of what is right for me and I will do everything to achieve it.

I went back to the agency to meet Aziz, Emre and Metin to discuss the sale of my shares in Fikri Harika. They tried to dissuade me in every way by asking me to wait, without making it clear that they intended me to wait for Can's return, but we were all aware that this is what they actually meant.

-There is nothing to wait for, I need to close with the past if I want to start living the present and especially the future I want, I thank you for everything you have done for me but I think it is the best thing to do at this time-.

The day of my book launch soon arrived and with it the beginning of my new life, the night before I finished packing all my things ready to leave forever that place I loved so much. For the first time I turned on the thousands of lights that Can had set up in the garden, I closed the glass door for the last time and, smiling through my tears, I said goodbye to that place that for me would always be magical and full of many happy memories with him.

It was right, the time had come to go, to let go of this part of my past that had been a rebirth of life, a rebirth of a love that I thought had been lost, only to lose it truly and forever.

I couldn't live there anymore, I couldn't risk seeing him and suffering every day for his distance, which would be even more unbearable once he returned from Venezuela.

I had to leave and make a clean break with the past and with him if I wanted to survive.

I went to stay for the first few days of the book's promotion here in Istanbul in a nice hotel with windows overlooking the Bosphorus, it was more convenient to move every day between the various bookshops in the centre where the presentations were held while waiting for what I had planned for the future.

The last act was the visit to Metin, I waited until it was clear that our night of passion was of no consequence before making an appointment with him to bring the marriage certificate and ask him to start the divorce proceedings.

I handed him a letter to send to Can, explaining why I hadn't told him about it earlier, and finally, as I left, I hugged him, thanking him for all the support he had given me over the years.

It was over, I had cut off all the branches of a plant that had blossomed with love in the past, but had now lost strength and vigour and needed to let go of the bare branches if it was to survive and think of one day sprouting again.

I was doing what I had decided to do a long time ago... I was letting go of...