21- Alternating phases

Can

I sit down at what seems to have been my desk, I turn my gaze to the chair and the seat next to mine, we worked closely together, we practically lived together, we travelled together from the agency to home and soon we would be married and living under the same roof.

It is not an understatement to say that Sanem had been my life, it has to be said that it had been in the literal sense of the word.

I sigh and turn on the computer, it asks me to enter a password, I try to imagine what it could be and only one comes to mind: SANEM.

The computer starts up instantly, I shake my head thinking about how much I loved that girl who, I realise, I've hurt once again, apparently I've done nothing else since this morning. The desk phone ringing brings me back to reality.

Deren tells me that the Essensturkish people are asking for a meeting in the afternoon, she wants to know if Sanem and I are available to meet them, I look at the empty chair next to mine and tell her to make an appointment for 3pm hoping that Sanem doesn't have other plans. I don't know if there is a phone in the archive, so I decide to go directly to inform her of the appointment.

I go down the stairs and cautiously enter through the glass door of the archive undecided whether to knock or not, I look at the desk and a strange feeling assails me, I see her with her head down, her gaze absorbed as she writes on her laptop and it seems to me that I have seen her in the same position many times before, I see her with shorter hair, a low-cut red shirt or as she greets me with a smile and then again with a guarded, elusive look.

I shake my head in confusion, they must be images from the past, she told me she often worked there and I evidently went looking for her just as often.

It's the first time I remember anything, even a small frame can be important for me right now, it can be the signal that I can regain some memories, but at this point I think it's better to regain everything or nothing because it would be heartbreaking to remember that I only half love her, not enough to repress my constant need for freedom and the desire to travel the world without any ties.

She must have felt my presence somehow, she looks up at me and smiles cautiously, she doesn't know what to expect from me either, I decide not to tell her about the remembered frames, I don't want to deceive her.

I tell her about the meeting set for 3pm and she confirms that it's fine with her, I'm embarrassed, I don't know what to say so I decide to go back to my office, I say goodbye to her and am about to leave when I stop at the door and turn back - Sanem, I would like to thank you properly for the meals you are preparing for me, can I pay you back by buying you lunch today? -

I can see her blushing, she nods smiling - Tamam, alright I'll see you around 1pm then -

- Tamam -

I go back to my office happy to have a way to make up for the morning's indelicacy, thinking about the car I do a quick search, find a car rental nearby and ask for a car to be delivered by 1pm. We can't go back and forth with the taxi every day, for now this is the best solution then... then we will see what will become of me and my life I think with a sigh -

Immersing myself in my work makes me feel good, it calms me to take my mind off the anguish of not knowing who I am anymore, the hours pass quickly, at 13.00 on the dot my phone rings. The reception desk tells me that the car has arrived and asks me to go downstairs to sign the rental contract and collect the keys.

I turn off the computer and hurry downstairs, passing through the open space, asking Cey Cey if he can tell Sanem that I'm waiting for her on the ground floor of the building, at the reception desk.

I hurry down the stairs and meet the person sent by the car rental company, I fill out the form and am in the process of taking the keys when I hear my name called.

I turn around and find my old friend Kemal in front of me, he is a war photojournalist and our paths have often crossed in the past, more than once we have found each other in refugee camps or at the edge of the battlefields in places of conflict.

We chat for a while, then he tells me he has to go, he has an appointment with a real estate company on the floor above Fikri Harika's, he is buying a house here in Istanbul, he wants a place he can call his own between one trip and another. We exchange phone numbers with the understanding that we will talk soon for a drink together, Sanem joins me as I am saying goodbye and looks at us curiously.

-Have you met someone from your past? I don't know him, who is he? -

- He's Kemal, a photojournalist I've often met during my travels around the world, he's a great guy, I've always liked him. Are you ready? Shall we go? -

I throw the keys in the air and pick them up - Come on, Miss Sanem, this way, the carriage is waiting for you - She looks at me amused and curious, I guide her towards a midnight blue sedan and open the door gallantly, she laughs and asks me - Where did you get it? -

- I rented it, we can't go back and forth by taxi, haydi, come on let's go aren't you hungry? -

She smiles. - Can Divit, I'm always hungry! -

We laugh together, somehow it seems that the atmosphere has changed from the morning, I am happy about that, I hope I can find the right balance with her I don't want to hurt her but I also don't want her to have the illusion that everything can go back to the way it was.

One question keeps buzzing in my head: "What if I'm not able to love her like I used to?"