19 - Realtà

Can

After saying goodbye to Metin as usual I had a really hard time falling asleep, with the thousands of thoughts that I hear whirling in my mind it was almost impossible to fall asleep.

Turning to one side at a certain point I saw Sanem's book which I had put on the bedside table promising myself to read it soon: what better time than this?

I made myself comfortable, leaning on two pillows against the back, and I started reading, it was a journey into a wonderful love story, unique as Metin said before. She is very good at writing and the similarity between the growth you experience within a love story and the journey the birds make in search of the truth by crossing the 7 valleys: jealousy, mastery, love, belief, trust... seemed perfect to me to give the idea of how many elements come into play to make a relationship work.

We, according to what is written in the book, had to deal with each of them in order to make that instinctive, unripe feeling that had involved us at the beginning grow into a love that burned powerfully. The misunderstandings that arose between us then destroyed everything, they destroyed the Phoenix that was born again with difficulty from its ashes, but it made it and was able to realize its most beautiful dream, a life with its albatross and their three children.

It's almost morning when I close the book on the last page, it has been a journey inside her, inside me and inside us as a couple, I have understood so much more of our being together, of the feeling that united us, of her feelings for me that evidently mirrored those I felt for her because, otherwise, I would not have done everything to have her back once I returned.

The only problem is that those 7 valleys that Can and Sanem crossed, that progressive growth they experienced during those two years I don't remember, I don't remember having experienced it, I'm still at the stage where I'm still realising that I have to take off to search for the truth.

I fall asleep with this thought in mind and wake up shortly afterwards, when it is already time to get ready for our 9 o'clock appointment. I look out the French window of the kitchen and there he is, my elf has worked his magic again and a tray with a hearty breakfast is waiting for me on the table under the porch. I go out and read smilingly his new note.

"Günaydın, good morning Can, get used to my dishes, I purposely didn't do the shopping for you because I don't want you to think about anything but resting and recovering soon.

Sonra görüşürüz, see you later."

Sanem

Nothing, she is determined to spoil me at all costs, it makes me feel good the idea of someone caring so much for me, it makes me feel loved.

On this thought my mood changes, everywhere I look and whoever I talk to I am told again and again that I loved her so much, that ours was a great love, that we loved each other deeply, a unique love.

Even reading the book had done nothing but confirm what Sanem, my father and Metin have told me about our story, but my being rebels against the idea that I have to love almost on command, I can't explain it even to myself, but I seem so far away from such deep feelings that I have never even imagined in my life to feel.

I eat something else but my appetite has gone, the day doesn't seem to have started off on the right foot, I finish getting ready and go out to find her already at the end of the driveway ready to go.

She tells me that she called a taxi because my car was destroyed in the accident and it comes naturally to me that if I decide to stay I will have to buy another one, I realize immediately that I made a gaffe.

She turns to go towards the entrance of the estate, I realise that my words have hurt her, I'm aware of that, but this doesn't seem the right time to air the doubts that have been eating away at me for days now.

In the car she is silent, I know I have given her something to think about but cynically I think that maybe it was a good thing that I let that unhappy sentence slip because, in this way, she can understand that for me at this moment every possibility is open.

I can't make any decision without really digging deep into my desires, without understanding what I really want for myself and for my life.

We arrive at the agency and nothing seems to have changed. It seems like only yesterday that I walked in greeting everyone after a long trip to Cambodia on the anniversary of Fikri Harika.

I recognise the faces of many of the employees, then I see Deren and Cey Cey, the one who has apparently become my minority partner, advancing in the corridor.

They greet me very warmly, evidently over time our relations have become much friendlier than I remember them at the moment, and we are joined by a curious-looking man with a feather hanging from the earring he wears on his right ear. He introduces himself as Muzo and, from the few jokes he makes, I understand what Sanem meant by saying that he was a very "picturesque" person, but I must say that I find him likeable.

We enter my father's office and nothing seems to have changed, Aziz is at his old desk, I see Emre getting up from the chair in the next office to join us, everything seems exactly the same as the last time I was there, the only thing that is different is Sanem's presence, even though, as soon as we enter, she has eclipsed, I think I saw her going into Layla's office.

I think back to the words I said that morning, I imagine she doesn't live well with them, I realise I've hurt her, something I had promised not to do.

I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I can't hide, this is the reality of my life right now.