11 - Fear

Can

It's about to get dark, I resign myself to another sleepless night, I've always struggled to get to sleep and, apparently, things haven't changed, on the contrary, at the moment my mind is so crowded with unanswered questions about these two lost years, that I think I'm looking at the ceiling for long hours.

How could I have changed to the point where I proposed to that girl? Was it me who came to need stability or was it her who really managed to sweep me off my feet to this extent? Maybe both things actually happened?

I shake my head to myself at the thought of how far removed I seem to be from the Can that I have apparently become.

While I am immersed in these unedifying considerations I see the door open slowly, my father comes out smiling - Hey, how is my aslan, my lion? -

I smile happily to see him, he has always been my fixed point in life, he has been the one constant in the world full of uncertainties and loneliness that was my childhood.

- Come kaptan Aziz, come and sit down, I really needed company, how did you know?

He smiles as he comes to sit in the small armchair next to my bed.

- Dear Can, parents always know when their children need them, at the time of birth they install a special sensor you know? Come on boy tell me, what's troubling you? -

- What do you think? Do you have any idea how it feels to see a ring on the finger of a complete stranger who tells you you should have been married 20 days ago?

Babam, Dad I really don't know what to think, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I feel completely confused and out of phase.

-How much has Sanem told you about your affair?

Sigh - I think it's still early days and it already seems far-fetched to accept what she's told me so far, so I dare not think what's in store for me -

- Bak, look son, just please be very careful with Sanem, both with words and actions, that girl has suffered so much because of you.

Did you see how she reacted yesterday when she heard you say that in your last memories you know you are engaged to Polen? You can hurt her deeply without realizing it and she doesn't deserve it, she is a gem of a girl, you loved her so much Can, you would have done and have done everything to get her back, be careful not to risk losing her again because, if you were to remember one day, you would regret it bitterly -

My father's words hit me deeply, I have always trusted him and his wise advice a lot, he wouldn't speak like this if he wasn't more than convinced of what he was telling me.

-Dad I realise that I can deeply hurt that girl if I don't pay attention to what I say, but at the same time I must also come to understand how I came to have such a deep relationship with her.

I can't decide to love or marry her just because others tell me I love her, do you agree with me on that? -

-Of course Can it will take time, if you don't get your memory back it will take time to get to know her and rediscover her but please give yourself a chance to fall in love with her again.

Don't get defensive by saying that it is not possible for you to feel such a powerful feeling, stay open to every possibility or you will bitterly regret it son.

I have never seen anyone love like you loved her, believe me Can -

My father's words are something else to think about, they strike me and frighten me at the same time, it seems to me as if I have an arduous task to complete and I don't know if I have the skills to do it, love has never been part of my life, I have never received it and I have always thought I was incapable of feeling it for someone.

If possible, when I am alone, I seem to be even more confused than I was before my father's visit.

Tomorrow I will be discharged and I have no idea what my new life will be like out there, where, with whom, I don't even have a clue what I'm currently dealing with really, can my life be more messed up than that?