13 : Friday

Step Thirteen: Don't be afraid! Unlucky Step Thirteen won't hurt you! It's good to make jokes and be funny! If you're a person who cracks jokes a lot, go for it! If joking isn't your strong suit, go check out one of our other books, How to Be a Jokester 101!

If I thought How to Get a Boyfriend 101 was a dumb name for a book, How to Be a Jokester 101 is worse. Anyone who buys that has got to be first-level desperate. Second-level is How to Read Facial Expressions 101, and, of course, I am the living embodiment of someone who is third-level desperate.

I don't know if today counts as Friday the thirteenth, because of the step, but I don't care. It's whatever, you know? No bad omens or anything. Nope. Not at all. Not a sign, not an omen, and certainly not a glitch. Nope.

The morning is boring without Jason. I feel empty, like there's someone who should be in my room with me. And no, that person is not Blake. I kick him out within three seconds of his arrival, which is coupled with a desperate request to be fed.

I put on a boring blue shirt and black joggers. I don't feel like wearing jeans, especially since I'm going to have to change for gym. Also, today we have FROG, and I don't feel like sitting cross-legged in super tight jeans. That hurts, man. Like, a lot.

Blake pouts when I meet him downstairs. "You know, you've been kind of mean to me lately."

I grin back. "I can't make you breakfast every day, if that's what you want."

He gives me a look.

"Also, I literally took care of you for a whole day. That was, uh, the day before yesterday. So..."

He yells, "Let me just create drama, okay?" I burst out laughing. We talk about random stuff for about three minutes, then I suddenly take my backpack off. Blake looks at me in confusion.

"What—?"

He jumps back, startled, as I toss my emergency granola bar at him. He catches it right before it hits the ground, kind of like Spider-man would.

Blake has devoured the small ration by the time I'm standing up again.

"Blake, that was supposed to be for both of us!"

"You sgibbed beckfist?" he mumbles through a mouth full of granola. "Soh-ee."

I sigh. Gosh darn it; I'm addicted to sighing. Why am I like this? Why can't I sigh as often as a normal person, for crying out loud?

Ah, but I know the drill: I cry in my head, not out loud. My life is messed up, and there isn't a single thing I can do to save it. Knowing that only makes me want to sigh more.

Blake and I are thirty minutes late to school.

It's not really either of our faults. I fell asleep first, so technically I could blame Blake, but I also hugged him in my sleep. At least, according to him I did, but both of us know that Blake falls asleep if he's hugged for more than one minute at a time. It's this weird thing he does that only his family and I know about.

My science teacher throws a handful of sunflower seeds at me. Little does he know; sunflower seeds taste like green tea if you suck on them for five minutes then bite down really hard. I catch about half of them, and suddenly I'm not angry at Blake for eating the granola bar anymore.

"What are you doing?" Russell whispers once I'm munching on the seeds next to him.

I raise an eyebrow and gesture at what's left in my hand. "Eating. Why?"

"We were going to plant those! That was your pouch!"

"Pouch?"

Russell groans and smacks his forehead. "Before you got here, the teacher explained that we're going to be planting sunflowers. Then he gave each of us a handful of seeds, which he called a pouch." He gives me a purposeful look. "But you ate yours."

By now, my jaw has gone slack.

"I—"

"Is there a problem?" the teacher asks, approaching our table. "Felix, what have you done? Are you eating the seeds?"

Russell smirks.

"M-maybe? Sorry, t-teacher," I stutter. The teacher smiles and shakes his head.

"Detention, but I ran out of sunflower seeds to give out. You'll have to share with Russell, I suppose. Just don't eat his seeds."

Russell snorts, unable to control himself anymore. The teacher glares, realizing what he said, and turns back to the rest of the class.

"You won't eat my seeds," Russell whispers, sure of himself, "because you'll be too busy devouring Jason's."

~~~~~~~~

I'm going to strangle Blake.

Like, kill him, then kill Russell, then destroy both of their bloodlines.

And delete Blake's Minecraft account.

Just in general, I hate Blake.

I get that it's hard to believe that, considering how earlier I said that I actually love him and would give him the world if he asked for it.

But now... I hate him.

This is the point where you ask me why, I whisper to my imaginary audience that totally doesn't exist.

To answer the burning question, I only need five words: Somehow Russell knows my crush. And the only person who knows about my slight obsession with Jason is Blake, who recently became buddy-buddy with Russell, although there was that one more-than-awkward spot in the cafeteria a few days ago, where Blake and Russell had an unpleasant exchange—well, it was more than unpleasant. It felt as though the inner asteroid belt suddenly gave into the Sun's gravity, and since it's pretty close to Earth, we got the brunt of the attack, causing humankind and dogkind and catkind and all kinds of kinds to be wiped out within instants. Anyway, they made up—Russell and Blake, not the Sun and asteroids—so I'm definitely missing something there. Perhaps the gravity between them was too strong, and some kind of random eclipse happened, or maybe people decided that Pluto's a planet again, and Blake and Russell commemorated the occasion by making up. And probably making out, too, but I'm still waiting on those details from Blake. But I'm not going to push him on this sensitive topic. I already know he feels guilty enough.

Well, anyway, according to scientifically proven facts, the only conclusion that can be drawn from this is not hard to see. Blake let it slip that I like Jason, and now Russell's going to tell him. Then, our Sun will burn out and all will be well, because I can't deal with that kind of humiliating rejection. My style of love is the protagonist-in-a-teen-movie kind, where I like a person for years on end, but they don't know that I exist until I am an idiot and walk up to them and their friend. Well, it's not like I've done that more than once, but I can't really imagine myself with anyone who isn't Jason.

Jason and I are in a complicated relationship. Well, at least to me it's complicated.

Okay. Let us analyze my digital scrapbook.

First, we have The Background. It's super interesting and green.

Now, Blake and I, as you well know, used to be friends. That ended when I deleted his Minecraft account. Russell and I aren't friends anymore, either. That's Blake's fault. (Okay, so I just want to say that of course I'm still friends with Russell and Blake, it's just... I have anger that I am unwisely taking out on two of my only three friends).

Jason and I... well... wasn't that the purpose of the love web? I used to think Jason was really popular and had a lot of friends, but now that I've gotten to know him better it's a little more complicated. He is friendly with a lot of people, but not friends with them. And I probably idolized him a little too much, because he's also a person.

I don't exactly know why, but if someone really likes someone else, it's like they forget that the person they like is a human. If Jason marries someone who isn't me in the future, then that's fine. Putting all the dramatics aside, if he's happy, then I'm happy. I'll move on, hard as it may be, and find someone else for myself.

Also, I just, like, randomly noticed that I didn't write anything for Russell and Jason's relationship. Whoops... or something. I guess.

As with all diagrams, conclusions must be drawn. No, not artistically, because I have no art skills. Instead, I'll be coming up with a summary of the data.

Here it is.

The moment we've all been waiting for.

The moment when all is revealed.

The moment of clarification regarding my relationship with Jason, or lack thereof.

The moment in which we premeditate Blake's murder.

The moment in which Russell adopts a 100th cat.

The moment in which I reveal all my plans for the future.

It is...

Here:

...

...

...

There are no plans.

I am going to cross every bridge when I get to it, procrastinate, and deal with the consequences eventually.