YOU

my heart cracked open,

a giant irreparable crevasse

down it's core,

that bled out sour

truths.

heartbroken. my heart

had finally given up.

all these years...

harry. kieran.

matthew.

for this?

this being you-

who had stepped further

and further away from me?!

AFTER EVERYTHING I

FUCKING DID FOR YOU,

SKYE. AFTER EVERY FUCKING

THING, YOU WERE DISGUSTED?!

you were swaying to and fro,

the foreground to a dispairing

background of black sky;

your expression wrinkled

by confusion and hot tears.

you were clutching your baby

bump protectively beneath

your white cotton dress.

like i was going to hurt

your child.

was i really

that much of a monster...

the sleeves of your dress were short

exposing the littering of scars.

my eyes burned with a fire

so inextinguishable the tears

couldn't put it out.

matthew was worth something-

mutilization on your body.

kieran was worth something-

something that affected your

mind.

harry was worth something-

that poisoned your soul with the

selfish realisation

everyone wants you;

and me?

i was worth nothing. NOTHING.

"declan." you gasped, your voice

venomously steady, tightening

your hands around your stomach.

"matthew killed himself only-"

"i know." i spat.

"i'm pregnant with his baby.

i'm covered in scars because of him.

my heart is beating for him.

i am still in love with him."

"skye-"

"and you kissed me?!" you

suddenly screamed, your

body shaking violently.

"after he

killed himself!

what?! i bet you love this don't

you, thinking suddenly

you have a chance-

using me?! USING HIM?

USING HIS DEATH SO YOU

CAN SNEAK UP ON ME AND

SNOG ME OUT OF THE BLUE

FOR YOUR OWN SELFISH

DESIRES-

you heartless, heartless selfish-"

"i'm heartless?" i questioned

softly.

you stared at me, shaking

your head, realising

what was about to happen,

not wanting

to hear my shrill truth.

"no, no

declan, i'm sorry, i didn't mean like that-"

"you were bullied when you were

eight. i stuck up for you, even if

that meant i went home with playground

war scars, and got shouted at by

my mum.

you were getting used by a sixteen-

year-old when you were, what? eleven?

twelve? and who was there to rescue you?

me. i told my brother, who sorted him

out, but i still helped you!"

my fists clenched at my sides,

and now i was shouting,

yelling into the night air,

loving the look of vulnerability,

of pain on your face.

i hurt you like you hurt me, skye.

and you hurt a lot.

tears of frustration slid

down the contours of my face,

as i shrieked, "your parents

got divorced! you came to my

house to cry constantly! you even

slept over, despite it annoying

my dad! i helped you for years,

skye. and you're not even thankful?!

am i that worthless to you?

because some guy you knew for

much less time than me is more

important? because suddenly

you woke up with great

waves of amnesia? YOU FORGET

WHO I AM TO YOU BECAUSE

OF SOME SICK SUICIDAL BASTARD

WHO CLEARLY DIDN'T WANT YOU

ENOUGH TO EVEN STAY ALIVE FOR YOU?!

DID YOU NOT THINK MAYBE HE

KILLED HIMSELF, BECAUSE

HE COULDN'T BARE TO THINK

HE WAS THE DESTINED FATHER TO

YOUR SICKENING CHILD?!

OR MAYBE HE KILLED HIMSELF

BECAUSE OF YOU, SKYE. I WOULDN'T

BLAME HIM. DID YOU HURT HIM

LIKE YOU HURT ME? DID YOU

MAKE HIM THINK THAT YEARS

OF HELP MEANT NOTHING

TO YOU, TOO?

SHOULD I JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY

AND JOIN HIM? YOU'D ONLY START TO REALISE

HOW MUCH I DID FOR YOU

THEN WOULDN'T YOU,

YOU SELFISH, HEARTLESS SLUT."

my words sliced deeper

than the silver tongues

you allowed to score your

skin to see red ink.

i know that now.

you collapsed to the dirty floor,

to your knees, tearing holes

into your white dress. you were sobbing

hysterically, with your meek arms

wrapped around yourself, shaking

your head, bawling incomprehensible

sounds into nothingness.

i softened, as i watched you

fade away before my eyes.

your heart was obviously matthew's.

"after everything i did for you,

skye..." i mumur. "i gave you all

i have."

i was shocked no one inside

could hear our feud,

and to this day

i yearn that somebody

had heard and ran out

to stop me batter

my best friend with a malicious

monologue intended for enemies.

"and you couldn't even pretend

to love me back?" i whisper

to your sobbing form. "you couldn't

even endure a brief kiss? do you

hate me that much? where i was

obsessive, you were always

ready to let me go."

"no, no, no it's not true!" you

cried, reaching out and grabbing

my legs, the material

of my jeans.

i let you cry at my feet,

at my mercy. i was sobbing

myself, my heart pounding,

my chest heaving.

"you promised to marry me

if we are unmarried by twenty-eight."

i tell you, pressing my hands

to my eyes. "but you can't

even kiss me. how could it be?

more empty promises."

"declan..." the world burned

in your eyes.

i knelt in front of you,

and whispered, "can i kiss you one more

time?

it doesn't have to mean anything.

quieten my heart."

you nodded, you nodded hard,

sniffling. you were a mess.

gently, i took your hands,

pulling you to your quivering knees

and you collapsed onto my

shoulder, drenching my shirt

in your delicious misery.

i pull you over to the edge

of the balcony, and press your

back softly against the ivory railings.

we looked at each other,

and i wonder if deep down

you knew what would happen,

and you were accepting it

as

our

lips

met.

i craved the ocean

on your tongue, your unspoken

words.

i melted into your arms

as you entwined them around

the back of my neck,

pushing your wet face harder

into mine. kissing me hard.

kissing me passionately,

with need, with understanding.

finally, i was the one to pull

away because my heart was breaking

too much. i forced a smile on my

lips, my tears choking my throat

as life continued around us.

cars sped by below, a rush of

sound and a racing of head-lights

that blurred into a trail like that

of a shooting star.

my tears kept falling,

blurring my vision of you.

anger still pounded my blood,

but i felt so sorry. i felt-

i felt like i lost you.

and knowing that after

we left the party,

you'd depart from me,

you'd avoid me-

the pain was too great.

you reached up to cup

my cheek.

"declan..." your voice

was that of an angel.

"i'm sorry i can't love you

like that. i was always greatful

for you. i'm so sorry. maybe,

if you give me time, i could

learn to love you-"

why did you lie to me

even then, skye?

"shh. look at the stars." i demand

quietly, putting my hand atop

yours.

you do, the constellations glittering

in your irises. "wow." you resonated.

"make a wish." i said, my voice

trembling dangerously. i was crying

harder than i ever had in my life.

i was losing you.

i couldn't live with it.

you closed your gorgeous eyes.

i pressed my forehead against

yours, and wept. "i'm sorry."

and i did it. i did it before

i could change my mind.

without thinking a second longer,

and the sadness and anger too much

for a heartbroken boy to bear,

i pushed you into the loving embrace of gravity.

but you didn't scream.

not like matthew did.

you fluttered to the cold, hard ground like

an angel, your tattered dress billowing,

your eyes forever sealed, saving you

from witnessing the blur or buildings

rushing past you.

you looked like a sleeping daydream,

belonging to a heartsick boy.

plummeting to your beautiful finale

like you did it every day.

i killed the person i loved most.

i learnt to let you go.