not

you inflicted an injury to my soul

that day, when two years of

consolation was wasted and forgotten,

because you found someone who

completed your constellation.

and if it wasn't bad enough,

you poured the ocean's worth

of salt into the synchronised wounds

you carved into my heart, skye.

shocked to see you standing at my

door at eleven at night, i

was even more horrified to discover

you weren't alone.

you stroked the silk of matthew's tapered

suit, one fine star-sparkled night after

college. your hair was entwined in

little sparkling clips, curled tightly

and make-up splattered your face,

smothering the beauty of your pale freckles.

and beyond this sickening scene,

of you, my soulmate on the arm of

some shyly smirking cunt, i notice

a girl who was so beautiful

and so perfect all at once.

but she wasn't you.

"a double date!" you exclaim.

i let my incredulous gaze drift

over the strange girl, who was looking

at me in such an incredibly understanding

way. she tucked a strand of her

straight black hair behind a small, curved

ear.

where you were every colour,

she was every shade of black.

i swallow my initial reaction

for her sake. this strange girl was already

tailoring black clouds of misery

that didn't need to be thickened and brewed

by a sour reaction.

"i don't really feel up to it."

regardless, you smile.

"nonsense. you've never had

a girlfriend since we were little!

i think this surprise double date

was well needed."

i swallow the lump in my throat,

and i look back over to the girl.

noticing my wandering eyes

you say politely, "this is april."

april showers. saturating in a visible

depression as her lost eyes look up at

matthew.

and my own looks back to you, skye.

but you and matthew were

oblivious to the want in our eyes

as you gazed into each other's sing-song souls.

the next thing i remember is

april and i walking side by side,

smiling politely at each other in the

melancholy distance between

you and matthew;

you were just inches in front of us

but it felt like

miles.

"so," april says quietly. "were

you expecting this?"

i shake my head. "skye has

a habit of springing things

up on me."

"matthew dragged me out.

he said i'm too pretty to remain

single. i stay single for a reason."

we share a look of knowledge.

out of kindness and nothing more

i take her supple hand.

"me too. it's so unfair."

"i really like him." i distinctly

remember her whispering,

but her expression was so forlorn

and riddled with saudade, i knew no

words of comfort was going to fill that

monstrous gap.

so i said nothing,

but i realised that splitting

you and matthew apart would be

more than a benefit to me.

after strolling hand in hand with april,

staring at the back of your head

in an agonising anticipation,

you finally spun on your heels

and gestured to a local resteraunt.

nothing too fancy,

but still enough to turn you into

a lustrous animal as you passionately

ravaged matthew's face with kisses

in front of april. and me. in front of me.

now in love with you after nine years.

i was growing furious, rubbing my thumb

over april's quivering hand, her

bottom lip trembling as she chewed on

it's sad plumpness.

torturous pains were shooting

up and down my arm.

how could you? how could you?

if you didn't care about me,

look at april.

why didn't you see it?

why didn't you see it?

"god, you're such a slut." i growl.

unintentionally.

slowly, you break away from

matthew's face and stare at me,

a faded inkling of anger beyond

those damp azure oceans.

"what did you just say to me declan?"

i snatch my hand out of april's

and get up, well aware of the

murmurs and eerie settling of silence

as onlookers found amusement in the

college student fall apart.

i stride out of the resteraunt

into a light drizzle that promised

to rain thick and heavy in a couple of minutes.

lights from cars blurred in the distance,

streetlights glowing yellow

like modern fireflies.

i was so angry with you skye.

this untameable fury would later cause me to do something

i regret.

something...

something i'm sharing with you today.

i hear your footsteps,

i feel your bird-like hand on my elbow,

grappling me closer to you.

"what the fuck is wrong with you?"

you ask me darkly, your eyes brimming

with tears, your up-do a mess from

sprinting after me.

i gasp sharply. "with me?"

"why did you call me that declan?"

you shake my arm wildly. "why?"

"kissing matthew like that-"

"he's my boyfriend."

"in front of april."

"april?" you frown. "what about-"

"she likes matthew, skye." i grip

your shoulders and glare at you evenly.

"and she was near tears. how could you

do that to someone so innocent? it's

clear she's a broken girl."

you let out a noise like a wounded

creature, blinking your tear-splattered

round eyes rapidly. "and what about me?"

your voice broke. "i'm near tears.

you called me a slut."

quickly, i attempt to recover. "i'm sorry

i was just-"

you held your hands out in front

of you, pushing me away. you shake

your head. "no. i see now. you care

a lot about april already. more than

me after all these years!"

hearing that...

shocked me, skye.

when i recover from that ferocious

blow,

i shout uncontrollably.

"what? and this is coming from you?

you cried on me since the divorce.

and then you forgot all those times i

helped, all those times i swept your

tears from your lashes, because of him?

matthew?"

you gawp at me, completely

taken aback. "declan..."

"no." i brush past you,

heading back inside.

"fine!" you call after me.

"be like that! i don't know why

i bother with you!"

i pretend that i didn't care.

i let the tears come that night when

we were in a hotel together.

you put april and i in a room

together, and you and matthew

were together.

i had told you not to bother,

i'd take april home,

but you said sourly,

"i booked in advance, so make

the most of it with that virgin.

think of it as a final thank you

for the nice things you've done for me,

before i blank you."

april falls asleep on my chest,

and i stroke my fingers through her hair.

but it didn't feel right. it

made my heart bleed.

i ache, i mourn for your mothers

sheep-skin rug.

and just as i allow the first tear to

creep from my tear ducts,

i heard the unmistakably loud noises

of you having sex.

with matthew.