Secrets We Keep: Chapter Fourteen

She did not ask him to give her up, but the mood shifted all the same.

It seemed a mean-spirited act, to ruin a lovely dinner.

But Credence had to hear the answer from Ajo's lips.

He stood, wiping a tear that had fallen onto his cheek.

"I must take my leave," he muttered.

He doesn't want me to see him this way, she thought.

He didn't want her to know how heavy a sorrow she placed on him. He didn't understand it was that very sadness that endeared him to her.

Ajo left the hall and Credence sat alone, contemplating their conversation. She hadn't wanted him to leave. She felt the urge to call him back, to apologize for hurting him, but she wasn't sure if he would answer her.

She walked through the empty castle, made all the more lonely without John by her side. She traveled through the towns and into the field, where Ajo's jasmine tree still stood. No breeze ran through its branches, no wind carried to cool the heat of her skin. She couldn't even feel the grass tickling her ankles as she walked through it. She was numb. She had taken all the enjoyment away, and turned the whole world upside down.

I need to make this right.

It was a strange feeling, this desire to make amends with Ajo.

She sat in the grass and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath in, and her lips moved, forming a word she did not try to stop. On the exhale of her breath, Credence whispered his name.

"Ajo."

She felt his presence before she opened her eyes. He stood before her, utterly forlorn, like a man lost in a storm. She opened her mouth to greet him, but Ajo spoke first.

"Will you demand it this very moment," he asked in a stilted voice. "Are you going to make me give you up now?" He gave her a pleading look. "Please don't."

A memory came to Credence. The Collector towering over her with a smile.

'I like that. Do it again.'

'Do what?'

'Beg.'

Heat rose into her face. It felt good to have his happiness in the palm of her hand. She shook her head to clear the malicious thought. She didn't want to think she could ever find delight in someone else's suffering.

Power was a burden.

She stood and took a tentative step towards him, and he shuddered as if she were a fire threatening to burn him.

"I only wanted to see you," she said.

At her reply, a wave of tension left Ajo's body, and he gave a deep sigh that twisted into a half-sob. He looked like he might fall to his knees at the smallest gust of wind. She looked at the field around them, desperate to soothe him.

"You offered to show me the wonders of your world once. Perhaps you could do so now."

They walked the world together.

Ajo was her guide, answering her questions along the way. All of the places they visited were from his childhood, scenes of happier times. He'd put them here, he explained, as a way to remember that once, long ago, his life had been blissful.

The beautiful lake that Credence bathed in had been a particular favorite of his, where he found peace when he had a moment away from studies. The houses in the trees had belonged to a clan of goblins who, despite their love of all things filthy, demanded pristine living quarters.

" 'The whole world is for muck and mud,' " Ajo quoted one of them, " 'but home is for everything else.' "

Credence could listen to his voice speaking of happier times for as long as he would oblige her.

In turn, whenever they came across something from her past, she recounted her own memories and travels. It was a stark contrast to his locations, they both realized, because many of hers held unpleasant impressions, and Ajo's face become stern and serious as he listened to her stories.

Eventually, they made their way back to the towns, and when they paused before the iron gate that circled the school, Credence shuddered. Beyond the gate was the courtyard, and rooted in the ground were several trees. She knew they were not the same trees, and did not contain the souls of doomed children, but she could not help but feel sadness when she saw them. It felt like a lifetime had passed since she was trapped behind those walls, but the pain and fear would forever remain a part of her.

"Here's a place I would like to forget," she murmured.

Ajo raised his arm towards the school. He curled his hand into a fist and the school began to shiver. Pieces of it cracked and fell, and stone by stone the building tore itself apart until it was a pile of rubble.

"How do you do that," Credence asked. "How do you control your magic?"

"A lifetime of practice and study." He turned towards her. "Would you like to learn?"

Excitement pulsed through her.

"I would."

They returned to the jasmine tree in the field, and Credence was giddy at the thought of learning new magic. Most of her lessons had come from Lilith and were decidedly unkind in nature. She wondered if Ajo's teachings would be different.

"Ma gave me her book of spells," she explained. "I meant to practice them, but there was always something to distract me."

Embarrassment flickered in Ajo's eyes. Some of that distraction, they both knew, had come from him.

"You cast a decent Circle of Protection," he complimented, wanting to steer the conversation away from heavier tones.

"Decent?"

"Kept me away, didn't it?"

"It wasn't my circle that held you back and you know it. I've long figured out that the Queen saved me that night. If it hadn't been for her..." Credence's voice trailed off. "If the Queen hadn't interfered that night, what would have happened?"

"It would have saved us a lot of time."

He laughed and Credence joined him.

"I'll fetch Ma's book," Credence said. "It'll only take a moment—"

"I have no interest in Galeia's spells or thoughts."

"Not even her thoughts about you?"

Ajo ignored the question.

"Galeia was never a good student of magic. No doubt many of her spells are poorly worded or completely wrong. Half learned at best. It's a marvel you didn't destroy the woods using her guide."

Credence frowned. The book had been her most precious belonging. To think Ma had sent her daughter into the woods with something potentially dangerous...

"What could you teach me then?"

"I will teach you to embrace your own power."

If Galeia and Lilith had been day and night in their instruction, Ajo was something altogether different. He did not instruct Credence to drink from the moon, either kindly or by force—and for good reason, as there was no moon in his world.

"What about choosing," Credence asked. "I was told that spells needed a sacrifice to work."

"That's a human grasp of magic, and a crutch. When humans began to rediscover magic, they used the art of choosing because they did not have the strength to pull from within. Magic was something they had to seek and learn, not something intuitive and in their blood."

"But Ma wrote about it in her book, and even Lilith suggested it was important."

"Humans, and many witches, rely on talismans and totems for their craft. But it's a simpler way to understand magic. They are not necessary. Magic is energy, and energy does not need a tangible object to adhere itself to."

"I'm a witch. Doesn't that limit me?"

"Your magic will not come from outside forces, but from within."

"It worked for the Circle of Protection," Credence muttered, which made Ajo chuckle.

"Perhaps it did. Or maybe it was the first time you truly discovered your power."

He told Credence to focus inward.

"Find the strength in yourself. Pull from your intention."

Credence turned to the field and stretched her arm towards the grass as she'd seen Ajo do. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on herself, with the aim to pull life from the ground.

"Do not think of things in terms of light and dark," Ajo explained. "They are not in opposition, but in tandem. They are the same thing. The strongest wielders know there is no good or evil. There is only you, and your magic, and what you create from it."

He leaned in close.

"Extinguish all other thoughts," Ajo whispered into her ear.

A difficult request with Ajo so close.

"I can't do it," Credence said after minutes of nothing. "It's not going to work."

"It will," Ajo encouraged and took her arm in his hand, guiding it to the correct position.

A shiver raced through her body at his touch, and she felt him tense behind her.

"Concentrate," he commanded. "Think of the soil under the grass. The potential for life. Gather it and pull it into something new."

She allowed herself a moment to settle the anxious fluttering in her chest, and listened to her breath fall into its natural rhythm. She concentrated on the soil, trying to find the whisper of life that was waiting to spring forth.

It was not unlike the same whisper that helped her hear animals. How many years had passed since she was a child withholding that tiny, frivolous secret?

Her hand twitched and she felt movement beneath the grass. She grasped at that movement, coaxing it and pulling it upwards, willing it to rise and greet her. She trembled, feeling like she was breaking through a barrier of stone, and felt a rush of cool wind on her face.

"Lovely."

Ajo's voice disrupted her focus. She opened her eyes to see a single flower rising from the grass. A purple lily, its stem unnaturally tall, with its bloom opened towards her. It stuck out against the grass as a singular, gorgeous monument, a testament to her power.

Pride swelled within her.

"Did I create that?"

"You did," Ajo answered and she turned to find him smiling at her. "Shall I pick it for you?"

"No. Let it stand there for as long as it will."

It was a simple bit of magic, but the sight of her lily rising above the fingers of grass gave her confidence.

"I suppose I shouldn't be too proud," she said with a sigh. "I only called to an element. I've done it many times before."

"Called to an element?"

"Yes. I called to earth. Asked it to do my bidding. Earth has always been willing to respond to me. Elemental magic was the first thing Lilith taught me, and I'm certain that if I ever master one, it will be earth."

To her surprise, Ajo shook his head.

"Calling to elements," he muttered. "That is a very naïve way to think of it, believing you can manipulate and talk to nature itself."

"Didn't I just prove it?"

"You've no more controlled nature than it can control you."

"What do you mean? Lilith taught me—"

"Lilith had strong magic, but she was certainly limited in her knowledge. She never had a teacher, so her comprehension was novice at best. It's possible she really did believe it worked that way, that she had actual control over nature. But that is not the truth. What you pull from the ground or sky is nothing but your own intention and focus. You're not manipulating nature, you're conjuring from within."

"No, the elements have their personalities, their own wants!"

"Tell me about them, these personalities of nature."

"Well...earth is timid. It's afraid to destroy because it only wants to bring life. Water has little interest in what I want because it's changeable and stubborn. Fire is quick to answer, but it's mischievous and ready to cause chaos. It only wants to burn. And wind...has no care for me at all. It's never answered me. I cannot control it."

Ajo thought about her words for a moment.

"You have given the elements personalities, Credence. You have given them desires. But nature has no desire or personality. It's simply nature. You do not speak to it, because you cannot. And everything you ask of it, every manipulation you make of it, is a conversation with yourself. It's a reflection of you. Earth is timid because you are timid. Afraid of what you might do. Afraid of great things. Water is stubborn because, as you can guess, you are stubborn. And changeable. Fire, that mischief-maker, is a reflection of the chaos you secretly dream of bringing. If you imagine it will cause a mess then it will cause one, because it's your intent to."

"And wind?"

"Wind, I suspect, is the part of yourself that you do not understand. The unknown You. The part you have no control over. It does not 'answer', because you do not want it to. You see, it's not about controlling elements, it's about controlling yourself. And these personalities you speak of are nothing more than your own judgment of yourself. I imagine the personalities you've given to them are not the same ones Lilith knew."

"She believed earth was an idiot."

"Probably because an idiot lived in her."

Credence snorted. "I should have guessed Lilith's teachings would be useless."

"Not useless. But certainly not the full truth."

"Or she purposefully taught me wrong."

"That's very possible, too."

"So I could call to the wind—"

"You can focus your intent to create a force like it."

"How?"

"First you must discover why a part of you holds back from it."

"But even with the elements I'm comfort—the parts of myself I'm comfortable with...I'm still only capable of casting simple spells."

"That's not true. We've both seen you cast far more complex ones."

He was referring to the instance when Credence had sent him through the trees with a fearsome scream.

"Yes, there have been a few times...when I've done something I can't explain. But I was angry or scared. I cannot replicate that kind of power."

"Strong emotions, strong power, strong spells. Did Lilith not teach you?"

"She started...she taught me—what was it called? A blood orb. There was an incantation that I cannot remember."

"You don't need an incantation. You don't need a book or a guide."

"That's not what I was taught at all."

"And how reliable have your teachers been?"

He was right. Ma had barely scratched the surface of magic. Lilith taught basic potions and the names of beasts and plants, but little in the way of spellcasting—unless it suited the chores she demanded of Credence.

And yet, Credence had proven she was capable of great, fearsome things all on her own. Now that she thought of it, she had created a blood orb without an incantation during her fight with the Headmaster at the school.

"Lilith would have taught me eventually," Credence said with a sigh. "She wanted me to fight her so she could take my heart. She said a traitor's heart was a potent ingredient."

"It is, for a dark witch. You are more than that."

"What about you? Are you hoping I will try to fight you? Do you want my heart, too?"

Ajo grinned. "Yes, but in a different way."

An awkward silence fell between them.

"There was...something...I unleashed only a short while ago," Credence said to break it. "Upon a tree in this world...I killed it. I don't understand how, but it looked like a painful, awful death."

"How did you feel after?"

"Powerful...but also remorseful."

"It was only a tree. There are thousands of them."

"All the same, it was cruel. And the pride I felt after...I'm afraid of it."

"You should never be afraid of strength."

Credence remained troubled. Ajo had not seen what she'd done, how the thorns had crushed and mangled the tree. How it burned from the inside. She needed to know how to control such things, so she would not repeat them on something, or someone, else.

"What would you like to learn next?" Ajo asked.

"Everything."

***

"It's close to dinner," Ajo said.

"Has it grown so late already?" Credence was honestly surprised. She had not noticed the passage of time, for it felt like they'd been in each other's company for only a few minutes.

At her request they did not return to the castle, but Ajo waved his hand to create food and drink, which they ate among the grass. They talked about idle things. Ajo recounted a short lesson on the history of sprites, and Credence offered her own story of an encounter with them during her childhood.

The mood between them felt good.

He brought an orange berry to her lips. Credence hummed at the taste.

"You always liked them," Ajo said.

"I've never had this before."

Ajo blinked. "I thought you had," he replied with genuine shock.

"I haven't."

"I was mistaken. My apologies."

When they had eaten their fill Ajo waved the feast away and resumed Credence's lessons.

They were in the middle of a bout of laughter, though neither could remember what prompted it, when John arrived. The wolf cleared his throat to catch their attention and dipped into a respectful bow when their eyes found him.

"Pardon the intrusion, master," John said, then flicked his eyes towards Credence, "and lady. I bring news from the kingdom."

"Ajo's teaching me magic," Credence said, her eyes full of innocent joy.

"Is he?" John asked. "Nothing too wicked, I hope."

Ajo raised an eyebrow at the impertinence but Credence giggled.

"Watch!"

She threw out her hand and sent a scattering of sparks towards John. The wolf jumped back with a yelp, though none of the sparks touched him, only danced across the grass.

"It won't hurt you," Credence said. "Try to catch one!"

She sent another wave of sparks, much bigger than the first, and John had to hop about to avoid them. One of the sparks made contact with his tail, and it gave a quick bite as it sizzled against his fur. It was a minor sting, but John whimpered at the shock of it, and instantly planted himself on the ground, turning towards his tail to examine the spot the spark had kissed.

Behind him, the pair erupted into laughter.

"Very amusing, my lady," John said dully after licking the sting into submission.

"What news of my kingdom?" Ajo asked, wholly unconcerned about what John had to say.

"Whispers of something potentially serious," John answered. "Restless subjects really, who imagine themselves heroes."

"Revolt?"

"Not yet."

"But you felt it serious enough to tell me."

"A few have...gathered support between themselves. In time, they could find enough numbers to call themselves an army."

"What of it?"

"That army could declare itself your rival."

"For my throne?"

"Not that they could ever take it, of course. But whispers can grow into a roar if enough voices join."

"And you believe these whispers will do such a thing?"

"They might have," John said with a sneer. "If your Protector hadn't stopped them."

"How did you stop them?" Credence asked.

"I ended their bravery, of course." Ajo returned John's smile but Credence scowled. "But there may be others who—"

"What do you mean," Credence interrupted. "You ended their bravery. What does that mean?"

John's ears flattened against his head and he looked to his master for guidance. Ajo shrugged, suggesting he would not aid the wolf in this matter.

"Well, my lady...I meant...I mean that I—"

"You didn't hurt them, did you?"

"I am the Protector of the Wood."

"Yes. You are meant to protect. Tell me what you did."

John let out a low whimper. "They were traitors. Threatening the king, threatening you."

"Did you hear them voice these threats? Or did you slaughter them without question?"

John puffed out his chest. "I kept the king's peace."

"How?"

"I took their leader."

"You killed their leader?"

John's eyes narrowed. "On the order of my king, I did my duty."

Credence turned to Ajo, anger painted across her face. John caught his master's glare, directed at his subject, and there was a silent threat that something unpleasant was promised for upsetting the girl.

"I told you I would not sit beside a tyrant," Credence said to Ajo. "I asked you to be kind. To be a good ruler. I thought you listened. I thought you agreed."

Ajo's stare was menacing.

"Traitors are dangerous. I cannot extend civility to those who threaten me."

"You were wrong to order John to take an innocent life."

"In the face of treason, a firm hand is necessary."

"How do you know it was necessary? You never heard the voices of the condemned. You don't know why they were stirred to revolt." Her eyes grew wide with worry. "That leader may have had a family. Someone who loved them. What if they had children?"

Neither Ajo nor John answered her.

Credence stood, all the mirth gone from her spirit.

"I wish to be alone," she spat with disdain. "I refuse to keep company with monsters."