Secrets We Keep: Chapter Thirteen

Credence didn't know what she expected from dinner.

It certainly wasn't for Ajo to release her from the promise that bound her to him.

Now, as he sat before her in his flattering attire, with a rather charming smile on his lips, she felt they both had changed for the better. She was free, for the first time in her life, and he wasn't angry by that fact—he'd been the one who made it possible.

And he only asked for time, not demanded or bargained. It was an easy thing to give, for time was all she had in the world.

This even ground felt honest. Right.

When they finished eating, Ajo asked Credence to join him once more in the sitting room, but Credence shook her head.

"Fetch your book," she told him, "and let us walk outside."

She wanted to get out of the warm, romantic atmosphere of Ajo's castle, which muddled her thoughts. Some fresh air, she decided, would help her decipher the complex feelings that swirled inside. John was absent when they left the hall, and Credence led them on an idle walk through the mock towns. She knew exactly where they were going, but didn't want to give the game away just yet.

She wanted to keep things pleasant for as long as possible.

They stopped in the field of flowers and mushrooms, and when Credence indicated this would be their place to rest, Ajo waved his hand towards the grass. From the ground sprang a beautiful white jasmine tree, its thin trunk leaning over, with a canopy of leaves and blossoms that swayed under the breeze.

Credence sat against the tree and looked at Ajo expectantly.

"Read to me."

The wind swept over Ajo, making his hair move in a manner that reminded Credence of a valiant knight. He joined her and opened the book.

"I grew a home for her.

Alone, I cut and pieced the wood together.

From the sea I grew flowers of salt that would never wilt

and planted their seeds in the clouds,

so the rain would carry petals to kiss her face.

I dream that she will walk with me

to undiscovered lands or familiar places.

Lady of my heart,

to feel you near tames the savage.

To know you are happy I would climb from the darkness

with the speed of wing and claw,

to tell everyone the news:

The world has been born

For I am in love."

Credence sighed.

"I hope she walked with him," she murmured and Ajo turned the page to show a picture of a spectacular sky, its stars lighting upon a world of brilliant colors, and the outline of two figures walking.

"She did, after all," Credence whispered. "Lovely."

Ajo closed the book.

"It's more than just words," he said. "I would build a world for you—"

"And you have." Credence motioned to the view around them.

"Yes."

Feeling bold, Credence lowered her head to Ajo's shoulder. He shifted, discomforted by her sudden intimacy, but quickly settled.

"Where did you discover this book?" she asked.

"I did not discover it. I wrote it."

"You wrote it?"

"When I was a boy I loved poetry. My—the Queen saw to it that I had my fill. At first it seemed tedious, pointless even, but I came to cherish the words. I thought I should try some of my own, and once I started, I found I could not stop."

"There must be hundreds of poems in here."

"Yes."

Jealousy gnawed at Credence.

"Who did you write them for," she asked. "Galeia?"

"I wrote them for one I didn't know I longed for. I was searching for something in these poems." He traced the cover with his finger. "I was searching for you."

"That's impossible."

"All the same, it's true."

"What was Ma like when she was young?"

Ajo thought about the question. "It's difficult to remember."

Credence hadn't wanted to ask about Galeia, feeling with a punch of envy that the name would ruin their pleasant mood, but she couldn't stop herself, and the words could not be taken back.

"She was rash and wild," Ajo said. "Galeia was...like a storm."

"Was she kind?"

"When she had a mind to be."

"Do I remind you of her?"

A test, and a poorly concealed one at that.

"You have the same urge for quarreling," he said with a snort. "Always ready for a fight. It's the darkness in your blood, I think. But you are...gentler. Tempered. A gift Galeia never had."

"Your mother said you loved her very much."

Ajo sat up, pulling Credence from his shoulder so she would turn to look at him.

"It doesn't matter what I felt," he said. "It's in the past." He held the book of poetry towards her. "To read at your leisure. Please, take it."

Credence took the book from him, shivering when their fingers connected in a slight graze. She was unable to properly express her gratitude for such a gift, so she studied the tome, tracing her finger over the silver dragon.

"Marry me, Credence."

She considered the question.

"And then what?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"What happens after?"

"We...rule the woods."

"How?" Ajo raised an eyebrow, so Credence continued, "Your kingdom is terrified of you. Are you a king—or a tyrant?"

"I am the ruler."

"That's not enough. Your subjects should love you. You should be respected, not feared."

"A measure of fear and love is good for subjects."

"How can you hold court if everyone hides from you?" Ajo answered her with silence. "Have you really given it so little thought?"

"Have you given it so much? I know what it's like to attend court—and listen to an endless parade of complaints and gossip. I spent most of my life preparing for the throne."

"Yet you do not know what kind of king you should be."

"I suppose you have a suggestion?"

"John has mentioned having trouble keeping the peace."

"A shift of power will always provoke unrest. A new ruler must assert their dominance."

"But must it come only from violence and threats?"

"Sometimes it cannot be helped."

"I don't believe that. There's always a chance for mercy. And generosity."

Ajo considered her words, neither accepting nor denying them.

"What do you dream of?" she asked.

"You. I dream of ruling with you by my side."

"You should want more. You should want to be a king worthy of the woods, too. I will not sit willingly beside an oppressor. I will not be queen to a kingdom of blood and fear."

After a short silence, Ajo replied, "Wise words, my lady."

"More than that. Words to take to heart and see to action."

"You will make a mighty queen," he said with pride.

"But not a cruel one."

Ajo had leaned closer during their conversation, and his lips were dangerously close to her cheek.

"Marry me, Credence."

In his eyes was hope.

Credence's smile did not waver when she answered, "Let's walk a bit further."

She led them from the jasmine tree, further into the field, and stopped where the ground was black.

"This is the vault," she began carefully. "It's the only door I cannot open."

Ajo's face fell as his eyes met the charred door.

"This is not a place I meant for you to see," he whispered.

"I thought this was where you kept the Queen, but I was wrong. What's in there?"

Ajo hesitated, battling with himself.

"I am."

"I don't understand."

"Memories...what I've done. Regrets and failures. I've locked them away to forget. It's best this way, that I'm not haunted by them. I know I've done awful things, but I can't remember what. I don't want to. I still feel the shame of them, though, and that is reason enough to leave them behind. To move on."

"How did you do it?"

"Lilith did it. She kept them for me—she kept them from me. But Lilith is gone, so I am their keeper now."

"You've known Lilith...for a long time?"

"By Lilith's hand, the Collector was created."

Credence was stunned into grim silence. Lilith never thought to impart that bit of information.

"The Collector was...a version of me, devoid of any recollection of my past. It only knew one thing, and that was you. What met you in the woods was a creature without feeling and reason, driven by an obsession, without knowing why. I am sorry for what I've done in its form. To you."

"And Ma?"

Ajo lowered his gaze to the ground. "Yes."

"I thought anger made you the Collector. Yes, the Queen's fury, that's what you were called."

"Titles with little meaning, to give those who need it peace of mind. Protection against all the secrets we keep."

"But that not what you are anymore. How?"

"When I took my memories back from Lilith I saw the story of my life all over again. Everything I had done. Everything that had been done to me. I remembered." He closed his eyes. "And felt nothing but anguish for it. So I locked many of them away again, all the wicked, sad things."

"How did Lilith get them in the first place?"

There was fear in Ajo's eyes when he answered, "I can't remember."

"But...you are not really Ajo," Credence realized. "And you're not the Collector. You're—"

"Something between. Something new. I kept a few precious memories to remind myself of the cost of it."

Credence thought it a very haunting answer.

"If you wish it," Ajo said, "I could take away your pain, too. Lock it up. You could become a new, reborn Credence—"

"No," Credence interjected quickly, causing Ajo to wince. "I can't imagine not remembering who I am. To tell the truth, I wouldn't wish that on anyone."

Ajo looked at her helplessly, and she had a thought to touch him but kept herself from doing so.

"I would like to see inside," Credence said, "if you would open the door."

"There is nothing in there that would comfort you. You would not like what you saw, and you would hate me. Please, forget this place."

"But I want to know the real Ajo."

"I'm right here."

Credence scowled. "Our past makes us, you cannot deny that."

"I already have."

"But why can't I—"

"It's forbidden!" His voice rose so abruptly that Credence stepped back, but Ajo's anger was instantly replaced by weary fatigue.

"Maybe the world is right," he whispered. "I'll always be a monster."

"I don't think you are a monster," Credence said but wasn't sure she meant it.

"Thank you. You are the first in many years, I think, to see it."

"Is that not reason enough then, for you to keep no secrets from me?"

"There are no secrets in there. Only suffering. You must trust me in this." Before she could argue he took her hand and announced, "I will see you home."

As she feared, the mood had turned. It pained Credence to see him in such a state. They remained silent until they reached the tavern, and Ajo raised her hand to his lips but stopped short of kissing it.

"What's this?"

He was studying the empty spot on her knuckle, the missing finger taken by Hansel. Had Ajo only now seen it?

"It doesn't hurt," Credence said. "It happened so long ago that I barely notice anymore." A frightening thought entered her mind. "Does it...does it make me ugly?"

Ajo's eyes met hers.

"Never," he answered. "But I would bring justice to the fiends who did this to you."

"Josiah handled them well enough," Credence said with a pang of remorse. "I think you would have liked him."

Ajo nodded and placed a kiss on the empty knuckle.

"I could heal it," he whispered against her skin. "If you ask me, I could make you whole again."

She looked at her hand, at the four fingers that had adapted and grown stronger in the absence of one.

"No," she answered. "I don't want it back." When Ajo looked at her curiously she added, "The pain of my past is a part of me. This is who I am, because of it, not in spite of it."

"I understand. Not a hindrance, but a strength."

A thought struck Credence.

"There is someone you could heal. John. He limps as both man and wolf. I know it humiliates him. He thinks his scars are a hindrance."

"You're asking me...to heal the one who hurt you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Maybe...to prove that kindness is not always easy, but it is always possible."

"And that you are capable of it?"

"As I hope you are, too."

Ajo nodded.

"And I could do with a little less of John sulking during our walks," Credence added playfully.

Ajo laughed and the sound rang in her heart, as loud as the bells that followed his footsteps.

***

When Ajo took his leave, Credence dashed into the tavern and threw herself onto her bed, eager to dive into the book of poetry.

To read the written longing meant for her.

The first few pages were charcoal drawings of various body parts, mostly hands and a few tracings of eyes, which were the same shape and gray color that Credence had.

Ajo painstakingly copied them over and over.

Beyond the drawings were his first poems, clumsy but beautiful words of desire and hope. Credence read each one several times before moving to the next, trying to commit them to memory.

He hadn't known her, but he loved her so dearly.

It was heartbreaking to think of Ajo writing such things without knowing the one they were meant for. He'd spent so much of his life in solitude and confusion, and it was despairing to think he had found no respite from it.

She couldn't help but compare it to her own desire to leave home, to find someone to share her life with.

And he was shunned by his heart when Credence rejected him and ran away.

Hated by her, because she had been lied to.

It was unfair. Cruel.

She thought of their meeting in the woods before Isolam intervened. The memory of Ajo's fist raised in the air. Had he truly intended to strike her—or had fear driven her to believe so?

He must have felt so betrayed by her fear.

Anger rose within her. Everyone had tried to keep them apart, and had pulled her away while promising a monster.

But there was no monster in these pages.

It's their fault, she thought. They drove Ajo to terrible things.

She vowed that from this moment forward they would start anew, and she would make her own judgment of his character without any interference from others.

Credence returned to the Queen to tell her so.

"I will not push him away anymore," she explained. "I will learn the truth of him. And if moved to do so, I will accept his proposal."

Credence waited for the Queen to argue against her decision.

"He released me from the promise," Credence revealed. "He's been patient and kind—he's given me gifts—"

"You are lost in the wondrous feeling of new love. But take care. You may find it much deeper water than it looks."

"Then I'll swim or I'll drown. But either way, I will have made the choice myself."

***

She was standing near the vault door, lost in thought, when John approached her.

"Credence."

"Is it time for dinner?"

John had long noted the shift in her. There was a unquestionable physical change, but there was something else, something in her aura. The hateful, frightened child had become a woman full of joy and acceptance.

Anticipation.

He could hear the quickened rhythm of her heartbeat. It did not take a wolf's keen sense to know what caused it.

"I haven't seen you in some time," Credence noted. "How are you?"

The question would have dumbfounded him in the past, but he gave a growl and bent low, extending his previously wounded leg towards her so she could appraise the limb.

So she could see the healed bone and muscle.

"Never felt better," the wolf replied. "I know it was your influence that made my master heal it."

She blushed. "You can't be sure—"

"He told me. 'This is the gift of your lady. Remember that.' I thought I would limp for the rest of my miserable life. Thank you, Credence. If it means anything coming from me, thank you."

Credence wanted to reach out and run her fingers through his fur but stopped herself.

"You're welcome, John."

At the entrance to the castle, the wolf stopped her.

"I don't believe you need me to walk you any further," he said.

"You're right."

"Credence—"

At the utterance of her name, and the tinge of worry it carried, she paused.

"What is it?"

"I wanted to say—I should say that..."

"Go on," she said with slight frustration.

"I...have a good evening."

Credence shot him a confused look before stepping inside.

"I wanted to say 'Be careful'," John muttered after the doors closed behind her.

He walked from the courtyard, wondering what on earth caused him to have any concern at all for the girl.

***

Ajo was waiting at the dining hall entrance, and he boldly kissed Credence's hand when she entered the room.

"Good evening," Credence greeted him.

"Good evening."

He guided her to her chair and made sure she was settled before taking his seat. Credence felt a bite of yearning when he left her side, though she noted with no small elation that the table between them had become so short that she could reach out and touch him with her arm extended.

"I've been reading," she began and Ajo smiled.

"Have you?"

"I'm enjoying it very much." The delight left her tone when she added, "I'm sorry."

Ajo shot her a worried look. "Sorry for what?"

"When I read your poems...I imagined what a painful thing it must have been for you to write them. To have felt such love while I wasn't there. You must have been very lonely."

"The words kept me company. And gave me hope." He raised his glass towards her. "Worthy of the wait, in the end."

Credence raised her glass.

"Worthy of the wait," she echoed.

They began to eat.

"I've come to a decision," she announced midway through the meal. "I will allow your courtship."

Ajo slightly choked on the water he'd been drinking. "You mean it?"

"I don't know what this feeling is, if it's love...But I can't deny that it's there. It makes me wish for your company, and even though the bond between us has been broken, a part of me calls to you. I'm ready to find out why."

"Give me a task or a wish. How can I prove my devotion?"

"My whole life I never knew you existed. And when I did, it was only through the deceit of others. My wish is to see you through my own eyes, so I can decide for myself who you are."

"A good proposition."

"But one thing still holds me back."

"What is it?"

"Ma's death. I cannot forget it, Ajo. No matter what she did to you. Even if it was the work of a monster and not the man who sits before me now. How can I possibly forgive you for what you've done?"

Ajo's expression filled with shame. His reply was careful. Difficult.

"You don't have to. Not until you're ready, if that moment ever arrives. I will not demand you to forgive me. I cannot even demand it of myself. I cannot justify it. But...I keep hope that, in time, we can begin to heal the wound between us. It may never fully close, but stitch by stitch I will try. And I accept that I may never be truly worthy of you. Still, I dream that by some miracle you will see me as more than a murderer. I dream that you will see me as the man who will love you until the end of time."

His words did not wash away the stain of his sins.

There was no forgetting.

But there was always hope.

To forgive the one that had wronged her most.

Of all the paths we could choose to walk, love may be the most noble of them all.

"What of the darkness inside us," Credence said. "Are we not in danger of being consumed by it?"

"We may also rise above it. Together."

"I do feel it...sometimes. It urges me to seek what I desire no matter the cost. It tells me to let go, to not worry about anything or anyone else."

"What is it you desire?"

You, her mind offered, but she didn't answer him.

She studied his face, his eyes, his lips. She had the faint beginnings of a plan, but she was afraid to hear his answer.

"Let me inside the vault."

"I cannot." Credence began to argue but Ajo added, "Not yet."

It was a start.

The mirror inside of him was cracking, and she could see a light within. If only she would reach out to help and heal him.

But the work was not entirely her own.

"If I asked it of you, would you release the Queen?"

Ajo considered the request. "I would."

"Would you give up your throne and release the woods back to her?"

"Yes."

"Even if it meant your exile?"

"For you, I would."

Her next words carried a heavy risk.

"And...if I promised to return, would you let me leave this purple world?"

"You're already free to do so."

The final question was dangerous, but the most important one.

"What if I didn't promise to return? If I never came back, but went into the world and found another to love? What if I asked you this very second to let me go forever?"

His eyes left hers, and defeat shuddered through his body. Credence was convinced he would refuse.

"If you ask me, Credence..." His voice cut off with a stifled choke and he cleared his throat.

"It would break my heart. But I would do it, so you could be happy."